No formula but instinct,
No instinct 'till inspired
The words which were a waste
I'd dedicate them to the fire
I asked for no commission,
My mission self-acquired,
To document my ambling,
Through this life 'till I retire,
And in typing up my days,
I found new ways were required,
To describe the very details,
Of the details I desired,
To paint a perfect picture,
Needs time to restyle,
But my words are rough,
And that's enough to sketch a meaning higher,
Than any pure or filtered words,
I leave them unrefined,
Waste is left behind, indeed,
But the product's graced with spines,
I question all, leave none untouched,
When I dive into your minds,
I see past the deception,
I speak out and shout your lies,
Sure, I write of all things beautiful,
Of love, of all things nice,
But make no mistake, this girl will make,
Her words stand for light.

It's strange,
How even when you know,
What you need to say,
And that saying it,
Will change your life,
Still you can't quite do it,
For so long,
Until you're so sure,
It will be okay,
Even though you knew it would be fine,
The whole time.

I ran, I fled,
Fled from the light,
Lost? Yes lost,
To smoke and to night,
My lungs filled quick
With soot and black tide,
No sense, no senses,
No fear, just pride.

I choke, I cough,
On Judas' prize,
Gone? Yes gone,
The life in these eyes,
But here, I find,
Mortality denied,
No need for air,
Rebirth, not demise.

My chains, my rope,
Severed, frayed ends,
From family, from hearts,
No more I depend,
Alone, all mine,
For me to defend,
Black ribbons raise me,
Mercy descends.

I'm sorry I'm a coward,
Forgetful and awkward,
But when you speak to me I'm braver,
And I can't forget your smile.

I'm sorry I worry too much,
And ramble on about nothing,
But when I hear you I know you're safe,
And I'd sit with you in silence forever.

I'm sorry I live so far away,
And I'm sometimes asleep when you call,
But when I see you we could be right there together,
And I stay up for you if I can.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
But when you're around it's like the whole world was made,
Just so that we could be in love.

I've got these itchy feet and they don't want
to stay on the ground
I want to fly, I want to free myself and
burn the house down
And when I'm done I will stand in the wreck
And I'll scream all the words that come into my head

I'm screaming:
Had enough of "Please stop staying up so late"
If I went to bed I couldn't sleep anyway
with all the pain, all the tears
all the blood I've bled
I can't wait for the first hit to reach my head.

Inject the celebration
In our veins: the elevation
Stop bringing me down

I created a world with my hand,
I built cities,
I grew people,
I gave hope,
I spread happiness,
I cultured love,
Then,
I got bored,
I killed,
I crushed dreams,
I severed bonds,
I inflicted pain,
I ruined lives,
But I loved every second.

Catching currents in the dark,
My vision focused only on that eye,
Within, I see she knows.

Her wings barely move,
Yet constantly I turn,
Which way?
The direction seems so meaningless,
Yet I see she knows.

So why?
Where does she take me?
How far and for what purpose?
So many questions:
As constant as the air rushing past my face,
But still no answers,
None but the pull of that eye,
Through which, she knows.

The dreariness of the morning,
On days like this stretches its legs,
And wanders out past the noon,
Leaning on my shoulders with its aching muscles,
Mumbling in my ears,
Temptations, suggestions,
Take a rest, perhaps,
Let the fantasised release of sleep
Overtake your fuzzy head,
In the bleakness of the afternoon.

Were my fingers feathers,
They would let me flee from here,
From feathers into wings,
And wings to lift to flight,
To freedom,
To dreams,
To life.

I need a hand to touch me
To shatter all my bones
And show me I’m still living
Fragile, frigid, locked in stone
All I was or what I was meant to be
Was petrified into irrelevancy.

I need a chisel to strike
And change my fate
And open up my soul
To let out the mistakes
I need someone stronger to open my eyes
Only then can I start to rewind

I need the cracks to form
Around my body’s edges
Then I’ll be free
To tackle my own ledges
Make choice for myself and me alone
I wanna be more than a standing stone.

And I’m ready now to break myself in
And I’m steady now to stretch my new skin
Still I’m blacking out, the air’s growing thin
But I’m just ready to be broken.

It would have been easier,
If I had never met him,
It would have been easier,
If I'd known what he wanted,
It would have been easier,
To turn away before it was too late,
It would have been easier,
If I'd realised sooner,
It would have been easier,
If I'd given up then,
It would have been easier,
If I'd thrown it all away,
It would have been easier,
If I'd hated myself a little more,
It would have been easier,
If my life wasn't worth living,
It would have been easier,
To choose to end it then,
It would have been easier,
To seal my heart away,
It would have been easier,
To hide away my soul,
It would have been easier,
To lose everything,
It would have been easier,
To ignore the voice in my head,
It would have been easier,
To accept that I am who they say I am,
It would have been easier,
To refuse to believe I'm different,
It would have been easier,
But I'm glad I didn't,
I'm glad I kept going,
Because it's been harder,
But it's been worth it,
To know that I am now,
Who I want to be,
And to know now,
That I am loved,
And that I am still able to love now,
Despite it all,
It's been worth it.

A blank page
To fill with emptiness
To sing silence and streams
Of consciousness unending.

To take reality aside
And replace with infinity
In all its hellish
Endlessness

The words don't flow
They shouldn't
How can they with no goal?
Not even a shadow to aim for

But they drip onto
The blank page
And the white paper
Fades away.

Did you hear they took him?
They took him yesterday,
They ripped him from his family
And they made him run away.

Did you hear her calling?
Calling for God's love,
She screamed and wore her throat out
For something from above.

Did you hear the gunshot?
Ringing in the night,
It struck them both and killed them
For searching for the light.

Did you hear it coming?
Or did you just pretend
That their lives didn't matter
Not even at the end?

Did you hear it's over?
I'm sorry, that's not true
The suffering keeps on going
Because it isn't you.

Did you hear a nation?
Falling to their knees,
They crumbled from the inside,
So stop this madness - please.

What could be a jewel, rolling on the water,
Gliding on the surface,
Unobstructed, no rock nor branch interferes,
No ripple adjusts its path.

The jewel is an orb,
At one with the silk of a soft stream.
It glistens, drifting in no hurry,
Calmly downstream, round a bend, behind the bank.
Gone.

Shaky steps in brand-new heels I've barely owned a day,
A soft dress around my shoulders, clinging tight to my waist,
No noise as I sit, the stool scraping on the floor,
An echo as I move the microphone to pick my voice up more,
"I'm not actually on stage," I say, more to myself all in all,
I rest my foot upon the pedals, let the first note ring through the hall,
And suddenly I'm playing, I'm saying what I think,
And they all hear, draw near as each finger sinks,
The words I wrote mean far more than faking 'Christmas cheer'
They are mine, my hopes, my plan, my next and next new year,
Take a hand: Dance.

Am I falling or flying?
The rushing by my ears,
Holds no answers,
Beneath the screaming,
No whisper,
No code,
Just broken cries,
Or cheers?
Maybe I'm scared,
Or surprised,
By myself,
Or something,
More fundamental.
But in my uncertainty,
I catch a glimmer,
And feel the breeze catch,
My battle-worn wings.
Can I ever hope,
To keep my heart aloft?
Or are the holes in my defence,
Enough to render,
Me dead in the air?

In this house,
We all scream,
No future,
The world is over,
But nobody noticed.

On this floor,
We all dream,
But no truth,
The end is here,
But nobody cared.

In this room,
We all cry,
No solace,
The present is frozen,
But nobody was looking.

In this life,
We all die
No escape,
The date is set,
But nobody will know.

The broken days I left behind
Are paving my steps
And gently crunch beneath my new boots
Becoming as brief as the wind on my face
And as colder days come near
They will be hidden by mud and snow
And washed away with floods
But it won't stop them sticking in my mind
Or slowing my walk to a halt.

When lips touch,
Two breaths meet,
Three words shared between,
The two connected souls,
Taste each others' voices,
And hear each others' pulse,
For a moment,
That lasts so long,
Yet passes so quickly.

Letters, numbers, a list on a page
Absolutes that will not change,
These lines and dots are my future days,
Defined by database.

My stress, my fear, my falling apart,
My dedication to love and art,
My panicked tears, my shaky start,
My transcripted heart.

How could lives be no more than words?
How could a soul's journey be of no worth?
Can truth so complex have simple birth?
Build a binary world.

The applause still echoes in my head,
Close my eyes and their smiles, their tears, their laughter returns.
The 'thank you' sticks in my throat,
I did no more than have fun, but they used that moment,
And made it mean everything,
Made celebration into a statement,
A clarification,
Acceptance, pride.
And as the elation fades, the sun-hazed evening remains,
The shining words whisper in my ear,
The spotlight still warms me and fills my head with freedom.
This is success.
Worked for, bought with effort and
time and stress and plans.
We did it. We did it. We did it.

Contract, control, constrict the air is freezing
Deter, dement, deny my lungs from breathing
Fragile, freaking,
Phantom feeling, stealing
Souls from carcasses.

Shadows stalk a pilgrim
Through the dark I can't see
Their screams are invisible
My ears still bleed
Claws in my spine
Nails in my eyes
Dark is liberty

I run away
so many        times and
reach out to           be who I am
to get a little         closer to the truth
closer to                         genuine smiles
that once shone                   from my lips
and for once be happy         but I always
end up having to       hide away and
so many times    I find myself
back         where I
started

So here's to new beginnings,
Acceptance and truth!

Here's to understanding,
Compassion and love!

Here's to the light at the end of the tunnel,
And the journey getting there!

Here's to escaping fear,
Confidence and freedom!

And here's to 2016,
And all it may bring.

Air devoid of feeling,
Stale discontent,
Flashes on the back of my eyelids,
Echoes in my head.

A song with no meaning,
Or none to be heard,
A fire in my belly,
But no passion, only burns.

Fear contained by anger,
Stress obscured by grief,
My heart and tongue are drying,
My tears are no relief.

They cannot dampen the pain,
Only add salt into the wound.

I think you are beautiful
Your smile is radiant
And your eyes are beyond
My own descriptive ability

Your mind is exquisite
Like a finely crafted language
I lack the experience to
Understand but admire anyway

I rushed in and shot myself
Down into the depths of regret
Where now I hunt for some form
Of rewind, restart or retry

I'm far too jealous to express
In any meaningful way how I feel
And what was meant to be a joke
Has cut off all chance of honesty

And in the end I expect your eyes
Will pass over these words but
They will not reach your heart
And I will be left wondering
How to balance friendship,
Care and selfish longing without lying
To my heart.

Would you help me?
Would you hold me?
Would you lift me up and be a saviour to me?

Would you listen?
Would you look away?
Would you help a stranger get up off the floor?

Would you hear me?
Would you love me?
Would you pray for me and restore my faith in hope?

I'm hungry and afraid
I'm thirsty and ashamed
Would you give me a reason to
Keep
On
Living?

Drift over skies of falling hearts,
Let your hand trace the ripples in their reflection,
Dreams beneath your feet,
Lives behind your eyes,
Curses on your breath,
Watch the tears sail by on broken clouds,
And hear their cries,
But do not fear their lies,
For on their lips grows deceit,
But in your soul,
A burning joy,
That keeps you sane,
Let it.

A streetlight struggles,
Weakly jabbing at the dark
Making little impression
But the reflection upon that
Solitary flagpole
To a rebellion against
The unphased
Turning of the cosmos.
Its feeble glare
Little more than a haze
Of pale yellow
A smudge upon nothing.

In wishful moments,
I would sing,
And on my breath,
I'd hear the echoes of wings,
And feathers floating away,
Up,
Beyond eye-line,
Past focus,
And I'd follow my voice,
Through storm and snow and silence,
Into the sky I know I need.

I'm not afraid to admit the truth,
Though am scared of what you'll say.

I won't avoid being honest.
Just because people have told me I should lie.

I refuse to live in secret, no matter the cost,
My soul is open to both change and attack.

I will not hate you for hating me,
But I live in hope that you might one day understand.

In her eyes,
I see molten desire,
A dream held,
To fly,
Further,
And weave,
Stories beyond compare,
Held in that,
Perfectly intricate mind.

Beauty disturbed by foolish youth,
Who think themselves greater than their world,
Who disregard nature's ambiance,
For music made cheaply and sold high,
Now they leave, and life returns,
The thrill, excitement of stillness,
When so little contents to silence,
Simple quiet holds the beauty.

I'm slipping away,
Beyond sleep,
Past slumber,
Further,
To reach,
Her voice,
Which gleams,
Like golden thread.

How to describe the way the sun filters through leaves?
How it ripples like waves,
Like a dance of shades of green,
The patches of dark and light seep onto the
Cream-coloured page of this notebook,
And a perfect negative of sprawling branches,
Rests upon these words.

I’m sorry that I look so down
I’m sorry that I wear this frown
I’m sorry but the pain’s too strong
I’m sorry I can’t wait that long
I’m sorry about the scars I’ve made
I’m sorry I can’t make them fade
I’m sorry I did this to you
I’m sorry I can’t make it through

Release; valve
Let purest rage fill the air
Breathe; fall
In death and pain all’s fair

Screaming skin,
Shaking hands,
Is this the last time the tears land?
Burning up,
Muscles weak,
Is this the last time till next week?
It hasn’t helped me once before,
At least this time I know what I’m in for.

I am an author, except
My plotlines are mostly inept,
I have lots of sparks,
But no story arcs,
So poetry's where they are kept.

I must miss the chaos,
Or the promise of surprise,
Or the perfect excuse to relax.
Why else would I feel so lost now I know where I'm going?
I wanted to be missing,
Searching,
Wandering with no goal,
But now all those mysteries I craved have been solved.
I know how to get there now,
I recognise each step,
Like a path I've walked before,
Not at home,
But maybe an early morning in Ireland,
Where we stayed for a while,
Where I used to wander,
Like remembering a picture,
But not quite sure when it was,
Each step feels like that.
Like a memory,
Not a journey.

An industrial fan drags my hair across my face
As I lean a little down to the slightly-too-short microphone
And with an audience of a few hundred
I begin my protest
Disguised as entertainment
They don't realise what I'm saying,
Not yet,
Not while they're learning the tune,
And my message is still building,
But now -
Now they hear the words
As my backing cuts off
And I am left naked in my beliefs
And I sing, with power
With certainty and hope
For a future I can't change yet
So I can make someone's now
Better.

I am complete,
For once,
For the first time,
The person I see,
And the person other people see,
Are the same,
At least for a while,
And I'm so happy.

The line grows nearer,
I'm reaching, straining to cross,
To take one more step.

Victory draws close,
Half a breath is all it takes,
To win this, or lose.

Watch again the frames I know,
That take me back an age,
And still every word strikes a familiar bell,
And through its tone I recall
A time when i was different;
When i meant You over me.
A time when i would keep hidden
my thoughts and my fears and my words.
Back then i was not worthy
Of the thoughts in my own head,
Back then i wished i could stop me,
But i was stronger than the me i knew.
So as I sit here watching the same old movie,
Imagining how i would have felt,
I realise that that nostalgic feeling,
Is not just 'remember'
But how i became Me.

I've tried to write these words
Four times too many
But here: I tried my worst
Can't think of anything
To put in the postscript
And bury beneath its hollow notes.

I've racked through my brains
Until they were broken
I can't trust my own name
Or the things I've spoken
To send you the right way
Won't let another stray like me.

I can't keep my throat open,
It's closing up,
And I can't stop thinking,
It's not enough
To sing when I'm screaming
At nightmares I'm dreaming might go.

I can't offer you much
But angry souls,
And I know that won't mean much
When I'm gone
But you will keep living
The path you believe in
And that's okay.

So here's my take: empty words
Let you be my epilogue.

This feud should never have been
Yet now it has taken over everything
And stands between us and stability
Like a wall we couldn't afford to build
But did anyway.

This hatred has no base but in his
Jealousy and frustrated lashing-outs
Against whoever it was that ruined
His chances (Apart from him,
Who is not to blame)

In between the presents and the
shallow hopes for snow
and remembering the "more than presents"
nature of it all
a sense of relief, that we needed this,
that we can all stop, finally, worrying,
at least for a few days, it becomes natural
to ignore all the difficulties, all the stress,
and just smile, as if nothing is wrong.

I've lost hope again,
As so many times before,
But eyes opened now.

There was a boy
Who used to play with boy's toys
Cars, trains, planes and making noise -
Just like the other boys.

He had a twin sister
Who used to play with dolls
He'd watch and sometimes
He'd try to join her.

But when he started school
There were so many new rules
And he had to stop playing with her.
So he played his part
And ignored his heart
So it would easy - could it be easy?

No, he was falling apart on the inside
On the inside he couldn't breathe
He tried not to show it on the outside
On the outside he was just he
It should be easy.

He hid it away, tried not to think
But he still made friends with girls
So much easier
But he didn't like pink.

And anyway, he wanted a girlfriend
So he had to stay a boy, he thought.
And so that was that
He had to stay a man, no choice.

But he heard this word
That changed his world
And made a future for him.
Girls could love girls
In that single word
It would be easy - could it be easy?

He didn't have to fall apart on the inside
On the inside he could be free
He started letting it out on the outside
On the outside he became she,
It should be easy.

We are broken, we are weary,
We are burdened by our fear,
We are searching for support,
But our allies disappear.

There is no use in pretending,
That the road we walk is short,
We can't let one setback stop us,
We must keep our goal in thought.
Don't give in,
We can win,
We must keep on believing.