There was a boy
Who used to play with boy's toys
Cars, trains, planes and making noise -
Just like the other boys.

He had a twin sister
Who used to play with dolls
He'd watch and sometimes
He'd try to join her.

But when he started school
There were so many new rules
And he had to stop playing with her.
So he played his part
And ignored his heart
So it would easy - could it be easy?

No, he was falling apart on the inside
On the inside he couldn't breathe
He tried not to show it on the outside
On the outside he was just he
It should be easy.

He hid it away, tried not to think
But he still made friends with girls
So much easier
But he didn't like pink.

And anyway, he wanted a girlfriend
So he had to stay a boy, he thought.
And so that was that
He had to stay a man, no choice.

But he heard this word
That changed his world
And made a future for him.
Girls could love girls
In that single word
It would be easy - could it be easy?

He didn't have to fall apart on the inside
On the inside he could be free
He started letting it out on the outside
On the outside he became she,
It should be easy.

A CD is as good a bat as any
But nothing beats the kayak paddle
Or the one-hit-wonder bicycle helmet
That decimated the feather duster.

My mind won't.
Hold.
A thought for.
Than a second.

I can't keep.
Eyes focused on.
I need to.
To work it out.

How can I.
Try to think.
Nothing seems to.
Sense it just.
Fit together anymore.

Rhythm pouring into my bones,
It won't let me go,
I must dance,
But I can't dance,
So I dance in my head,
And with my voice I scream,
In the hope that stronger emotion,
Will find a new dimension,
And inspire my bones to move,
Without fear.

Blood rushing quickly, tickling the walls of my heart
A breath, a whisper, a shudder through my nerves,
A feeling, like a breeze through my chest.
Certainty, terrifying certainty
Here. Here is my home.
A place I've barely known for more than a snapshot of time.
Yet this place fell upon me like a roof above my head
And sheltered me like a blessing,
Here. Here I must stay

Freedom is only as good as the people you share it with

We put our teenage lives on hold
And played like we were twenty
We went through phases
With every change of clothes
We sat outside, talked and felt alive,
And wasted our nights
Just to get back at life.

Between the branches of a tree,
A single scrap of sky,
The pale blue is waning,
Lost to the night's tide.
And buried far beneath,
An eternity of existence
Stretching out the colours,
And fading into distance.
So far now,
Yet held close,
By mind, not matter.

There's no going back,
The time is gone,
Now,
The time is lost,
And the eyes,
Are closed,
Now,
But I am here,
I will never go,
So be strong,
Now.

Moving forward, smoother,
Slicker than expected,
No forces push against me,
All are leading me on,
And guiding me true with
Smiles upon their faces
And love streaming from their
Hearts that seem to beat
Far too often on my behalf
Onwards they take me,
How far will this go?
The path has no end,
Only a promise,
A promise already delivered
In part at least,
That I will be
Content

Take me with you
Beautiful sound
Let me fly as you do
Let me grace others with smiles
Show me a deeper truth
And let me show it to others too
Wash me in waves
Let me drift slowly away
As softly as leaves off trees
As gently as hands touch silk
As lightly as eyes gaze
On the face of beauty

Music take me as your own

If only I could spend
Every last day
Sat out on benches
Playing tears away
Smiling at the evenings
Singing to the stars
Dreaming a forever
Of music, life and hearts
And hearing on the breeze
Words of the trees
Words I don't know.

Could a more lonely sight,
Be found,
Than a lost and broken,
Girl crying,
Under a clouded sky?

Could a more bitter tear,
Be shed,
Than that of a child whose own,
Parents cannot,
Accept who she is?

Could more insincere words,
Be spoken,
Than that of a daughter,
Telling them,
"I'm fine" yet again?

Sky blue is
A gradient from pale to
Deeper tones
That save us from
Staring at eternity
All day.

Humming along to tranquility,
Its rhythms sending me to sleep,
Memories of a slower time,
A darker time tinged with love,
A softer time tinged with loss,
Seen now through misty glass,
Not quite as it was,
As it appeared or...
How it might have been

A tremble, a murmur,
A shaking in the ground,
A waiting, a crying,
A pleading to be found,
The broken, cold-hearted,
Knew before the fall,
But stood by and watched
As we lost it all.

A shudder, a grinding,
A twisting of metal,
A crunching, a falling,
Clouds of dust settle,
Devastate, destroyed,
Hope all but gone,
No pieces left to pick up,
No base to build on

What is there for us?
The dreams of the hopeless
Are tearing at the sky
What's left of independent thought
Can't find a reason why…

Shouldn't we try to rebuild?
Shouldn't we have prepared?
Why didn't we see this coming?
Why didn't we all start running?
Hasn't this all happened before?
Haven't we said we'd learned from the last war?
We felt the cracks running through our backs
But still we let it all fall down.

Did I do enough?
Am I ready?
Or will I just crumble,
Crack,
And fall,
Collapse,
Lose it,
And walk out,
Knowing it's over,
My goal,
Too far away.

I never thought it would work out
I never expected any return
But given a sniff at success
I chased without end
Kept clutching at
Half-broken twigs
That could never have kept me
From falling too far.

Could I?
Could I do it?
It's only everyone that I know,
And they don't look that hard at me,
Do they?
Would they even notice?
Almost certainly.
And it definitely wouldn't be forgotten.
But isn't that what I want?
Yes, but not like this.
But this way would be quicker,
This would get it out of the way,
And I'm tough, right?
And I have friends who'd keep me safe,
But still...
So many eyes, always.
Besides, I won't have time to prepare,
Nor the energy,
So for another day,
I won't.

The wrong way?
Or just new?
No one ever agrees.
We can't see the difference,
Between steps forward,
And towards the fire.
Each of us knows,
Which we think it is,
But together we can't decide,
Where to place our feet,
And of course,
If our step is shaky,
We're bound to fall.

A reassurance that I was wrong,
A confirmation of my idiocy
I knew all along but refused to believe,
And again my mind brushes through
The out of reach strands of hair that frame
The silken skin of her face.
And once more my blood is running
On imagined heartbeats that rush
Upon the lips I know
Will blur and fade from mind
With the knowledge I have been believing
In faith I held not in myself,
But in another's ability to surprise.
But I am wrong, I am foolish,
I know her too well to expect her to change,
So I will not,
And I will wipe the watercolour from my mind
With black ink.

Lonely in a sea of faces,
Lost when my path is clear,
Afraid of empty shadows,
Alive when no-one's here.

Broken by that which made me,
Brave when I've no belief,
Open when all doors are closed,
Obsessed with my relief.

Defeat knows only victory,
Life is all for death,
Battles are made to be lost,
But still I fight for every breath

He will never let me down
Never lose the fight
The glory of his word
Stands up against the night
At the centre of it all
An everlasting light
Hope to the hopeless.

Our fear set free
But still human beings,
So hesitate, worry, panic and doubt
That everything will be OK
That our problems can be sorted out
So easily
So simply
Beautiful, merciful,
Graceful Grace
Beyond comprehension
Broken tension
And proclamation:
We are his.

Through         
                 the door, a new house,
                      A new world to explore,    
              An invite into her life,
                        A glimpse at how she lives,
                I feel the floor and see
the walls,      
  Like I've been
   Trapped          
Outside          
And up        
the stairs,      
Another        
glance at        
      her existence,      
      These outfits        
     She never            
wore or          
hasn't yet,      
              The artwork                
             Never shown,            
The stupidly
precise efforts,
Just hidden away,
Then more stairs,
And rarer treasures,
Ink with so much meaning,
Those precious few kept tidy,
The unimportant left at random,
And already my mind calculates,
Deduces her habits and style,
But little matters more,
Than the words.

Sometimes it feels impossible,
But smiling is just a few muscles,
And takes just a few seconds,
If you know who to talk to.

Am I here or there?
Asleep or aware?
Living or dead?
Heart or head?

Am I lost or found?
Swimming or drowned?
Broken or fixed?
Certain or mixed?

Who am I?
And why do I need to know?

The words came to me
Far too fast
Like I'd seen them before
In some book I'd grown up with
As if I wasn't writing
I was copying it down
And I wasn't composing
I was practicing a song
I already knew so well
I could rewrite it from
The echoes in my head

Unrelenting joy radiates,
That smile never leaves,
He takes no notice of pain,
Just laughing again,
No fear of future,
In present, bright,
Any past mistakes
Disintegrate at will,
And in this cynical world,
He seems...naïve,
But our dismissal,
Makes no dent in his
Elated existence.

I am not afraid to own up to the fact,
That I have made enough mistakes,
For a thousand lifetimes.

And I am not afraid to accept the fact,
That the things I've done,
Have hurt enough people,
And shed enough blood,
To send me straight to hell.

And I am not afraid to admit to the fact,
That no matter how many times I try to make up for it,
My soul is lost,
My mind is lost,
And my heart is lost.

But if a messed up idiot like me,
Is still able to accept that some people are different,
And is still able to love them for who they are,
And doesn't judge people for where they came from or who they love,
Then why can't you?

Staring at the ceiling
As I always did,
My sleep disturbed by childish excitement
And anticipation
Curiosity blurring all other thoughts,
I won't sleep yet, I know,
But I must
So that my eyes open
To the brightest day of winter.

I can hear my breaths,
Panic and sweat,
I'm trembling,
Avoiding eye contact,
But knowing I have to eventually,
Take that step,
That leap,
To be honest,
With me.

Perhaps now,
We are closer,
But still no chance to meet,
Speeding past English fields,
But still far from 'the land of the free'.

I wonder,
What's our distance now?
How many thousands of miles between?
And does it matter, in all truth,
If we're still separated by the seas?

Soon our new world
Will be revealed to us
The reality we will build
Within the emptiness
Will bleed out beyond the walls
And feed our lungs
With stories that never
Saw light until they met
Our minds.

Sickness takes us strong,
Binding us to our limits,
But time and sleep heals.

Two half-slices of toast
Jagged edges cannot match
Crumbling at but a touch
Leaving tiny brown specks on a little plate
How pointlessly I examine the detail
Of two half-eaten slices
For no reason, no purpose
But that perhaps there was...
Something more important to be seen.

Cut it out
Crying won't help at all
That feeling in your stomach won't go
Calm down
Don't let it take control
Breathe, you fool
Why are you so weak when the sun sets?
The shadows don't have to
Rule your heart
With tears

And here's the end,
Now to work,
Learn again,
Write again,
Keep it there,
In your head,
Don't understand,
Just learn it,
Keep going,
Don't tire,
Focus.

*Focus!

Run, flee, from the horrors inside,
The secrets, the words, so desperate to hide,
The fear is held, it never fades,
It's growing and boiling, and churning away,
That face, those teeth, rotting to dust,
The eyes, crawling, swimming with lust,
But pain and torture are too much to stay,
So lose yourself, Dorian, before it's too late.

I hadn't expected
This to take so long,
So many glitches,
Corruptions,
Distractions,
Delayed these,
Randomnesses,
And as the light faded,
My frustration grew
Until finally,
Every wrinkle was
Ironed out.

A growl against the window,
Rising pitch, becomes a roar,
Shaking, shuddering, a howl,
A rush of sharp air, joins the siege,
But held back,
Confined to beyond these walls,
No storm within, only peace,
Only calm, only safety.

Flames lick at my eyes
Leaving their vicious residue
Biting at the vessels
Bleeding out into view
Screaming! Screaming!
Water runs in futile attempt
To subdue the air as it scratches
With poison on its claws
And pain on its tongue
Burning! Burning!
The world is a haze
Corrupted before even meeting
My melting pupils
I'm shaking in purest agony
Crumbling, collapsing,
My only escape - darkness
Eyelids tight, hiding
The fragile white of my eyes
A short relief, but slowly
Burning through the door,
The fire does not end.

The coke fizzes just over the rim of the glass,
a sliver trickles, reluctantly down the side,
To a cacophony of a rising hiss,
It pools on the surface,
shining,
The rise cuts itself off,
Done.

Something in my head,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not tell them?"
Something else says,
"Well, because..."

One of my friends,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not live a little?"
My voice replying,
"Well, because..."

All of my heart,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not be yourself for once?"
And all of my fear reminds me,
"Well, because..."

But then my heart says,
"Forget reason, follow me."
So I do.

For we should not forget their sacrifice for country,
For patriotic desire for liberty,
For freedom, above all, but not for them,
For their children,
For future generations,
For those yet to come, they gave everything,
For the right to be individual,
For safety from oppression,
For an end to fear,
For all this, yet...
For all this we forgot,
For every lost life, another lives afraid,
For every drop of blood spilled, a hungry child cries,
For every word towards acceptance, another cast out,
For every bullet fired, hatred built higher,
For every time we said 'we shall remember', we ignored their cause,
For though we may not forget their names,
We forget why they fought.

Don’t look at me
Can’t you see my eyes are hollow
Cracked glass
Boarded up window to a broken soul
Open hole where my heart should be
An angel stole all that’s left of me

Black blood
Flows smoother than red
Ink on my wrists
And it goes to my head tonight
I can’t fight my own fingers
Who needs light it only lingers

I don’t want help
Is what I said to myself
Heart cast
In iron only beating for one
Life gone in the night
Swan song; devil’s bite

Will the light of the morning,
Warm my soul,
Or the chill of night remain?

Will the rain that falls,
Bring new life,
Or fail to ease the drought?

Will the hands of fate,
Lead me home,
Or further from my path?

Will the eyes of man,
See my soul,
Or who I don't want to be?

Have I fallen again from deeper to deepest?
That moment reshaping my awoken heart,
Cannot stop searching, and found to be found
Confusing, unsettling, and pulling apart
in self-inflicted scraps that never solved
Anything.

Inspiration found,
In words once told,
To farmers and beggars,
Long long ago,
Whose lives were much different,
To the one that I've grown,
But they still needed telling,
What we need to know,
So in the words of a teacher,
In days of old,
We're still reaping fruit,
From the seeds that he sowed.

Falling foul to playing the part,
Two intense, no longer,
Now three-to-one,
And losing sight of the quarters that were mine,
Yet perfectly rising, harmony bold,
Still half-baked, at least in my head,
Not ready for heaven, and many more to go,
Before redivided, yet still the same
Purr against my heart, a nudge back,
And I stretch those old-new fingers once more.