You text me after dinner telling me you feel terrible, and I think it's food poisoning but it's something you don't identify as anxiety yet.
It worries me because all you want to do is watch a movie and be left alone. You tell me nothing of your troubles and leave.
One hour later I ask how you're doing and you say you're going to bed before formation.
I haven't talked to you since last night, and now I'm worried sick. You don't need me when you're upset and since you left I don't know how to talk to you.
I don't think we will make it if you keep doing this. I can't see your face, I can't hear your voice, and I can't read your mind.

I forget my capsules of bliss, and a tablet of calm while caught up in the happy I take for granted. For this I lose two days to the sadness. And then it seems like the sadness always wins.

The pills make my life flow, they make me function like rolling wheels on a smooth *****, climbing to reach something better always. Will I ever be satisfied?

I am numb, I am numb. Blood yearns to be set free, mind begs to sleep. Dependency has made me happier, but am I better off?

I don't want to feel a thing anymore.

i killed myself.
my old self.
sometimes she likes to sneak back into the cracks in my bones,
but she's never there for long.
she knows she is not welcome there.

i killed myself.
my old self.
then i bloomed like a dandelion,
fierce and ready to conquer all.
sometimes people like to pluck me
because i'm a ****.
but weeds can be flowers too if you get to know them.

m.a.l.

white man says
make america great again
white man says it
like he ever knew America bad
like he ever knew anything but privilege

white man says
take us back
to better times and
I wonder which he means

maybe genocide
or slavery
or Jim Crow
or woman only knows kitchen
or woman doesn't get vote
or back of the bus
or don't ask don't tell
or all that war and all that death

white man says
make America great again
like it ever was to begin with

other white man says
make America Christian again
like this country wasn't founded
on freedom of religion
like you’re only free to have it
if you love Jesus

white man says
conservative with fear between his own teeth
says the word
like it's a dying breed
like it'd be a bad thing if it did
says it like he knows a **** thing
about what it means to be a minority

white man says
**** political correctness
as if kindness requires too much effort
as if it's a mistake to be considerate
as if words don’t have significance
white man says
Mexican
Mexican
Muslim
says go back
says you're not wanted here
sounds a lot like 1941 Germany
sounds a lot like ******
Mexican
Muslim
brown person
doesn't know how much survival it takes to be one in this country

white man
says legal
like it only means good
like these men who look just like him don't walk into movie theatres and shoot
into schools and shoot
into churches and shoot
into mosques and shoot
into human and shoot
tell me again what it means to be legal
to belong here
to have the right to be alive without chains
say we'd rather have guns walk free than citizens
say we'd rather save money than lives
say this country's got too many problems
say you know how to fix it

white man says
make America great again but
doesn’t know that progress
doesn’t work in reverse
tell me again
how going backward
will make the future any brighter
when our past is a reflection
of all the light
we never really had

People dissapoint, they scrub your skin with words
I don't want to turn to stone, too many things hurt
I want to be like the soft curve of a pillow
But I must join the earth, to be as standing and un-upset as rock
Rock does not hurt, it doesn't injure, but I do.
I feel the constant chilling burn of depression, and the prodding of a razor, and if that isn't enough then the occasional punch in the stomach from a few words now and then.

Can crushing turn to love so quickly?
Can a hilarious first kiss turn to intimacy?
In the beginning, I felt like ohmygoshwhstisthisfeeling. I was scared to love and to get hurt.

I thought I'd have to settle for love, I thought it would be inperfect in ways I hated.
You are more than I ever thought you would be to me.
You are superb, and amazing.
You are the sunshine in my life, the clouds I love to float on.
A life jacket, the stitches that hold me together.
I guess I'm mushy in a different way than Dani.

Remember that time in Books a Million?
Man, I love hugging you from behind.
And you have the nicest ****, I have always thought that.
But I would of never thought that someone would run their fingers over my scars and it would feel good.
You make me feel wonderful.
When we kiss I feel like melting chocolate, and when I fall into your arms its like walking into a warm building.
I just wanna lay with you all day long and wrap my legs around you.

Together, I love how we laugh, I love how we argue.(its funny),I love that we are so alike, we are the best couple.
I love us, together.

You turned my sadness into positivity.
You helped me become something new.
You turned me into someone so much better.

You're my one and only.
The one who makes me smile like no one else.
The one who helps me fall asleep.
The one who told me not today.
I love you for all this and more.
I love you, Jan.