I took a shot before school
No one knew

I took a shot when i got home
God im so alone

I smoked before bed
Lord help me before i bleed red

I took swig of *****
And my mom has no idea

Will i ever stop crying
Will i ever be normal
Does everyone cry in the shower
Does everyone cry them selfs to sleep
Does everyone fake a smile
Does everyone fake a laugh
Is everyone as embarassed as me

No one understands
Being fine in an elevator but being pinned down is the scariest thing in the world

Is it possible to love those who hurt you
I do everyday but i still dont love me

I walk in darkness
I crawl through spring

Green is nature its naive
Its hides they the dullness of the world
It cries sometimes too
It yells in good company
With hurtles down from the sky
Nature is a person
And she is very expressive

I cant go on
Im sorry to leave
Im to weak to cut
So pills it will be
My pain is real
The reminders will never leave
My dad hit me
A car accident too
Its all to much
Im just to low
I get told im lying about the truth
But no one will ever love me like i love you
Here it goes im sorry for the truth
I love you but it wasnt enough
Tell my mom i love her
Tell her to take care of Howie, Angel, and Topaz too
Ill be watching with no hope to move on
If i wake up ill will hope im gone
But i wont tell anyone
Wont be the first time
Leave me here to die
Dont say i didnt try
My heart is broken
My eyes are open
Ive seen enough to want it to end
Goodbye the end

Im not addicted to cigarettes
But i crave them more and more each day
Im not addicted to you
But i cry everynight from missing you
Im not addicted to helping
But i help more and more every day

Kenney its the name i get from him
Kenney could be a first name but its from him
Kenney no one knows how much it hurts when they say Ms.Kenney
Kenney its a never ending remind of the man who hurt me
Its a neverending reminder of him

They try to tear me down
They try to make me hate you
They say you a sociopath
They dont know what ive been through
They dont understand my fears
They dont understand if you lock me up i will panic
They dont understand i dont stay in relationships because im scared if being trapped
And they also dont understand how I feel safe with you

They dont understand how it feels to have good grades but one f and hate your self because of it
They dont understand how i can forget something you told me 5 seconds ago
They dont understand how much it hurts when they say im not a ******
They dont understand how it feels to be called a **** when im still a ******
They dont understand how much i cry everynight
They dont understand why i feel this way
And i dont understand why i havent killed myself yet

Step 1: pretend to be fine
Step 2: tell no one how you truely free
Step 3: cut where on one will see
Step 4: wear long sleaves with short

I hate my body
I hate my skin
Oh lord why cant i be thin
Maybe then i could be happy
Just ten more pounds
Then it will be the end

Sorry dad you have been gone from age 9 to now im almost 17
2 months dad
2 months till the last time i saw you was 8 years
How does it feel you missed half of my life
We talk now
Havent i been through enough

I cant have a good day because my best friend has to ruin it for me.

Shadows
All around us.
Pain
Without any gain.
Slit wrists
Will i be missed?
Tears
And no one is here.
Pills
Took so many i lost count.
Lord am i worth a sound
**** happiness
My life is over
Will i always be dependent
Dependent on hurting myself

That day will always be my last
My last smile
My last pieice of innosence
My last day with my old name
My last everything
Now i am Alie because that is all i would say when i was 3
The day i was adopted all i said was 'a lie'
So my new parents called me that
i know i have a twin out there my mom told me so
Only i was put up for adopting not her
She probably wasnt abused by her parents
Mine was physical from my dad
Emotional from both
She probably doesnt have a rediculous fear
She is probably perfect unlike me

I hate my life

I dont date jocks
They are *****
They think they are above everyone else
And right now im sitting with 3 football players

Breathe in and out
Their words dont count

He gives me space
For me to breathe
I need him close
But i want him to leave
I love you dear
Dont you see
My games are just a defense baby
Ill push you away
That much is true
But baby i will always want you
Crying tears
No one knows
Ill hide them till i dont know
Why do you smile when all else is bad
Why cant i be real
Why cant i be glad

you will never understand why it hurts
you will never feel my pain
you think you know just because you did ******
you don't understand because you aren't me

Is anyone questioning why they breathe
Or speak
Or react
Is anyone else wondering why they try when they could just die

You left me in 2015
You were found in your apartment
you funeral was sunny
From then i hated sunny days
I was 13
You left me to cry
You left us all with out a brother, a father, a grandfather
You left me to comfort mom and grandma
You left jamal in his on greif to comfort his mom and sister
You left us with no hand to hold
No smile to hold on to
I sense you around me but you arent truely there
Grampy we all miss you im going to be 17 soon and i need you but your gone

Here i am 16 and smoking a cigarette
Here i am not addicted but reliant
Here i am smoking because there is nothing else to do
I cut bit that doesnt last
Smoking seems to last longer but still it hurts
The pain is real
But so is this cigarette
Newport platinums or l&m menthol 100s
My mom doesnt know but doesnt she
How else do you explain whole cigarettes dissapearing
Does she think she think she smokes that much
How about lighters dissapearing just misplacing them

I cant cope
Ive lost all hope
I feel like a dope
You will say nope
But all i can see is the rope

If we are all shining stars im fading away
If we are all tears im drying up
If we are all dresses im the one in the back of the closet never worn

You hit me i cry
But you never give me a reason why

I used to be the girl who lost her self in her surroundings
Who felt safe walking through a drug infested city
Who had no fear
Who threw ice coffees at her friends when she got upset
Who cried when there was no one there to hold her
I used to love being surrounded by people

That was me two years ago

I am the girl who has no self esteem
Who feels safe with no one and no where
Who doesnt love herself
Who is mega emotional
Who has been in a hospital
Who cries all the time
I am the girl who tries to isolate her self from everyone and everthing

the pain is worse when your words come out
the words hurt my soul with untold amount

I am the hurricane
And your getting caught in the eye of the storm
And you dont even realize it

I called my dad
He picked up on the 3rd ring
We talked for a while
He laughed alot
It felt like he was laughing at me

Here i am
5:30 am
I had a flashback
Im waiting for the time to pass
No one is here to comfort me
Im crying but im slowly dying
So here i will remain at 5:30 am

Everytime you leave me alone
It feels like your taking part of my soul

I have mood swings
People say you can see it in my poems and stories
I just go from crazy highs
To extreme lows
I go from posting alot
To not even picking up my diary
I go from being as hype as a cheerleader
To sleeping for 16 hours at a time

You judge me but then ask me why i have low selfesteem
You tell me i dont look good then wonder why second guess everything
You make me cry then ask me why
You make jokes about private stuff then act like its all fine
Im leaving and i wont come back i hate how you make me feel
Like im not good enough for you

Im crying
*** I'm dying
Anyone can save me
But I'm drowning in the self-hate
And no one want to pick me up out of these waters
These waters of pain

Lord im such a mess
God im so depressed

You say you care
But are you the one drying my tears

Im moving out of my house
Going from 5 of us to 2
Me and my mom
And our cats and bearded dragon

I want to die
I dont even feel alive
There is no one here to dry my tears
Im an emotional mess
I cant rest
I sleep
My i always have bad dreams
Im so far gone
I just done

EID OT TNAW I

You used to hit me
Now you see
The perfect woman im trying to be
I take pills cut and burn but nobody knows
I wish i could tell everyone so
But dad dont you see i still try to make you proud
After all the abuse i still want you to love me
Dad i cant say this to aloud
I love you but i cant let go

I miss you when your next to me
But i want you to say goodbye

i buried a kitten
I tried to save her but i was to late
She ran away
Its my fault why she is dead
If only i tried harder

I wonder about my sister
Is she fat?
Does she have a cat?
Is her family cool?
Does she make all the boys drool?
Is she smart?
Does she have brothers who arent?
How about friends?
Will these questions ever end
Will they just bounce around my head till im dead

Is her favorite color green?
What about Aquamarine?
Is her name Stephanie?
What is her middle name?

I wish she was here
She will probaly take after our father with depression
She might have a couple more years to worry about that
I hope she doesnt wind up dead
I wish i could be with her
Maybe her family moved to ohio too
Maybe i could meet her one day

A billion shared moments
A million shared hugs
A thousand shared fruits
A hundred shared popcorns
And there is just you and me
I love you my best friend

Dont talk anymore
All i need is slience
Wont you smile at me
No one can be my friend like you can

Leave it alone
Everyone says things like that
All i need is to get through it
Voyage this long journey with me
It will all be over soon
To say good bye is all i want
To bad im already gone

I am a person who has survived abuse from her dad
I am a person who has daddy issues
I am a person who can never please her mom
I am a person who is alone
I am a person who cries alot
I am a person who used to cut
I am a person who tried to **** herself
I am a person who has mood swings
I am me