You judge me but then ask me why i have low selfesteem
You tell me i dont look good then wonder why second guess everything
You make me cry then ask me why
You make jokes about private stuff then act like its all fine
Im leaving and i wont come back i hate how you make me feel
Like im not good enough for you

I hate my life

I took a shot before school
No one knew

I took a shot when i got home
God im so alone

I smoked before bed
Lord help me before i bleed red

I took swig of *****
And my mom has no idea

Breathe in and out
Their words dont count

Im not addicted to cigarettes
But i crave them more and more each day
Im not addicted to you
But i cry everynight from missing you
Im not addicted to helping
But i help more and more every day

I go from being insanely hungry to forcing myself to eat
I go from being insanely happy to trying not to cry

you will never understand why it hurts
you will never feel my pain
you think you know just because you did ******
you don't understand because you aren't me

I cant have a good day because my best friend has to ruin it for me.

Go after her she is skinny
Shes not like me skinny fat
Love her she is prettier than me
Dont love me with my messed up knees
Want her she is short and all
Dont want me im tall
I fall all the time
Im not right
I will hurt you and there will be no return
It will hurt me to but it will be better with out me
I will leave and you can have her i dont want to hurt anyone anymore

He gives me space
For me to breathe
I need him close
But i want him to leave
I love you dear
Dont you see
My games are just a defense baby
Ill push you away
That much is true
But baby i will always want you
Crying tears
No one knows
Ill hide them till i dont know
Why do you smile when all else is bad
Why cant i be real
Why cant i be glad

No one understands
Being fine in an elevator but being pinned down is the scariest thing in the world

That day will always be my last
My last smile
My last pieice of innosence
My last day with my old name
My last everything
Now i am Alie because that is all i would say when i was 3
The day i was adopted all i said was 'a lie'
So my new parents called me that
i know i have a twin out there my mom told me so
Only i was put up for adopting not her
She probably wasnt abused by her parents
Mine was physical from my dad
Emotional from both
She probably doesnt have a rediculous fear
She is probably perfect unlike me

I am a person who has survived abuse from her dad
I am a person who has daddy issues
I am a person who can never please her mom
I am a person who is alone
I am a person who cries alot
I am a person who used to cut
I am a person who tried to **** herself
I am a person who has mood swings
I am me

I wonder about my sister
Is she fat?
Does she have a cat?
Is her family cool?
Does she make all the boys drool?
Is she smart?
Does she have brothers who arent?
How about friends?
Will these questions ever end
Will they just bounce around my head till im dead

Is her favorite color green?
What about Aquamarine?
Is her name Stephanie?
What is her middle name?

I wish she was here
She will probaly take after our father with depression
She might have a couple more years to worry about that
I hope she doesnt wind up dead
I wish i could be with her
Maybe her family moved to ohio too
Maybe i could meet her one day

Here i am
5:30 am
I had a flashback
Im waiting for the time to pass
No one is here to comfort me
Im crying but im slowly dying
So here i will remain at 5:30 am

i buried a kitten
I tried to save her but i was to late
She ran away
Its my fault why she is dead
If only i tried harder

Will i ever stop crying
Will i ever be normal
Does everyone cry in the shower
Does everyone cry them selfs to sleep
Does everyone fake a smile
Does everyone fake a laugh
Is everyone as embarassed as me

I cant cope
Ive lost all hope
I feel like a dope
You will say nope
But all i can see is the rope

Step 1: pretend to be fine
Step 2: tell no one how you truely free
Step 3: cut where on one will see
Step 4: wear long sleaves with short

Here i am 16 and smoking a cigarette
Here i am not addicted but reliant
Here i am smoking because there is nothing else to do
I cut bit that doesnt last
Smoking seems to last longer but still it hurts
The pain is real
But so is this cigarette
Newport platinums or l&m menthol 100s
My mom doesnt know but doesnt she
How else do you explain whole cigarettes dissapearing
Does she think she think she smokes that much
How about lighters dissapearing just misplacing them

Geodon you effect me a way no one else can
You take away the voices
You make me smile when im sad
Geodon i dont know what i would do without you
You change my mood swings
Now they only come once a month
You fix everything
Until i skip a dose then everything goes wrong
And stays wrong for a week

Is it possible to love those who hurt you
I do everyday but i still dont love me

EID OT TNAW I

I dont date jocks
They are *****
They think they are above everyone else
And right now im sitting with 3 football players

I called my dad
He picked up on the 3rd ring
We talked for a while
He laughed alot
It felt like he was laughing at me

You left me in 2015
You were found in your apartment
you funeral was sunny
From then i hated sunny days
I was 13
You left me to cry
You left us all with out a brother, a father, a grandfather
You left me to comfort mom and grandma
You left jamal in his on greif to comfort his mom and sister
You left us with no hand to hold
No smile to hold on to
I sense you around me but you arent truely there
Grampy we all miss you im going to be 17 soon and i need you but your gone

I am the hurricane
And your getting caught in the eye of the storm
And you dont even realize it

4 humans
11 cats
4 bunnies
1 beared dragon

Sorry dad you have been gone from age 9 to now im almost 17
2 months dad
2 months till the last time i saw you was 8 years
How does it feel you missed half of my life
We talk now
Havent i been through enough

What do you do when there is nowhere to hide
My pain is real but its hidden deep inside
When i show what we feel
They tell me its not real
What do they do when they see me cry
They yell and scream
They ask me why
I just smile and i dont have any idea why

She walks in beauty
She smiles like the sun
She everything i want to be
But i have none

A billion shared moments
A million shared hugs
A thousand shared fruits
A hundred shared popcorns
And there is just you and me
I love you my best friend

Dont talk anymore
All i need is slience
Wont you smile at me
No one can be my friend like you can

Leave it alone
Everyone says things like that
All i need is to get through it
Voyage this long journey with me
It will all be over soon
To say good bye is all i want
To bad im already gone

Kenney its the name i get from him
Kenney could be a first name but its from him
Kenney no one knows how much it hurts when they say Ms.Kenney
Kenney its a never ending remind of the man who hurt me
Its a neverending reminder of him

Im moving out of my house
Going from 5 of us to 2
Me and my mom
And our cats and bearded dragon

You used to hit me
Now you see
The perfect woman im trying to be
I take pills cut and burn but nobody knows
I wish i could tell everyone so
But dad dont you see i still try to make you proud
After all the abuse i still want you to love me
Dad i cant say this to aloud
I love you but i cant let go

Ive never had a long term bf
Ive never been in love
My longest realtionship is 3 months
We were long distance for 1 on those months
Than i moved back and we never had time to see each other
Then we broke up
But i have never been in love
I liked him
But i have never been in love
Ive always dated people who play with my feelings
Flirts, cheaters, clingy boys, heartbreakers
But they always hurt me and i guess thats why i hurt you

Everytime you leave me alone
It feels like your taking part of my soul

Shadows
All around us.
Pain
Without any gain.
Slit wrists
Will i be missed?
Tears
And no one is here.
Pills
Took so many i lost count.
Lord am i worth a sound
**** happiness
My life is over
Will i always be dependent
Dependent on hurting myself

I have mood swings
People say you can see it in my poems and stories
I just go from crazy highs
To extreme lows
I go from posting alot
To not even picking up my diary
I go from being as hype as a cheerleader
To sleeping for 16 hours at a time

Everyone cares but when it matters most
They become ghosts
They act loke they care
But they are so unaware

I want to die
I dont even feel alive
There is no one here to dry my tears
Im an emotional mess
I cant rest
I sleep
My i always have bad dreams
Im so far gone
I just done

Is anyone questioning why they breathe
Or speak
Or react
Is anyone else wondering why they try when they could just die

Here we are
Bound and intangled

You say you care
But are you the one drying my tears

Am i not enough
Am i to broken
Am i to ugly
Am i to me

I miss you when your next to me
But i want you to say goodbye

Mirror mirror on the wall
Am I too short? Am I too tall?  
Mirror mirror do you care?
About my clothes, About my hair?
Mirror mirror can you see?
The perfect woman I'm obsessing to be

Too skinny, too fat,
Too frumpy when I'm sat,
Untamed messy hair
Too pale when I'm bare
Circles beneath my eyes
Out of proportion for my size
Forever appearing rough
Will I ever be good enough?

Mirror mirror are you there?
Mirror mirror you are so unaware

They try to tear me down
They try to make me hate you
They say you a sociopath
They dont know what ive been through
They dont understand my fears
They dont understand if you lock me up i will panic
They dont understand i dont stay in relationships because im scared if being trapped
And they also dont understand how I feel safe with you