I smoke alone tonight
Just the snow geese and me

I should turn out the light
And finally go to sleep

But you're not here
And it's cold inside my bed

You get up early
I come home late
I shouldn't worry
everything seems great

And this feeling I can't describe
An Emptiness  
And so I hide inside this dream
My new life
I made you up
You're not alive

It scares me more than you know
When you're not around
I just want to let it all go

So I get drunk
I get trashed
I drudge things up from my own past
Inside my head
I can't win
If I go out
If I stay in
Disappear to hide my sins


Who am I if no one knows
Things I have done
Lengths I will go to

There are two of her now

The one who smiles
The one who laughs

She's so cute if you don't know about her past.

But she's a fraud

She lives a lie
She hides another version inside herself

The truth never comes out
If you don't speak up

Dear god it's terrifying.

I will love you for years like you said
I will grab on and never let go
I will be yours completely
Always
All you have to do is accept me

Just don't judge me
Don't put your **** on my shoulders and call it mine
Don't ask me to lose myself and call it supporting you
Don't cuss me out and tell me I'm worthless

Ever


It's not a lot to ask
And it should go without saying

But sometimes things start out on uneven ground
And just get worse with time and worry
Until there's nothing left of you or me
But these twisted conversations, if you can call them that

I didn't want to talk about it now
I know where these words will lead
It's already late and I have to get up early
And the last thing I wanted was to be so sick about it that I couldn't even stay in the same house with him tonight

But he insisted
And I can't ever change his mind

And that's how I found myself at a coffee shop at 3am tonight
Wishing I was somewhere else
Wishing you could hold me in front of this fire
And rock me to sleep

Maybe it's nothing
Maybe you're just toying with the invisible girl
She doesn't quite exist until you touch her
Until you face down her demons eye to eye and tell her you love her then
When she's alone and broken and disappearing from this world
Will you grab at her ghost like it was your last breath
To keep her from whisping away

Feels strange. To read words I wrote as a child. To look at the pictures I drew.
Affirming in a way. That this person I am now isn't a recent construct. That even when I was young there were things, grown up things, that plagued me. Traversed my thoughts. My schoolwork. I can watch as the report cards and test scores decline from the highest place. Down, down. As this well of feeling begins to swallow me up. Isolate me. Comfort me. Always alone with my thoughts. And my thoughts always move towards this wholly dark entropy. My singularity. I can never escape. Until there is only one thought. One desire. One need. To see red trickle from my skin. Emptying. To confirm that I'm still here and to toy with the idea of disappearing altogether.

Your anger cuts me deeper each time you explode and I meet your ordnance with my Nothing.  Maybe I'm the shell that contains your spark. Falling silently to the ground each time your weapon fires. A small shining reminder of the violence of space and sounds.

I was all but snuffed out
Barely smoldering when you fanned my ashes
Blowing gently across the face of me
Conjuring smoke
Letting the flames lick at you and dance
Calling me from beneath the fire
And showing me your beautiful spark