when i was younger,
i was taught
that **** was
always
a man in an alleyway
or a drunken night out
gone desperately wrong.

i was taught
to always carry
pepper spray
and to always cover up
incase a boy took it the wrong way.

i was taught
that i am safe with a girl,
even if some higher being condemns it,
because they are not capable
of being monsters.

i was never taught this could happen to me.

i was never taught
that maybe
just maybe
**** is
a sober sunday afternoon
with your girlfriend
that just went desperately wrong.

i was never taught
that "no"
was still an acceptable answer
to the one
you were supposed to love.

i was never taught
that getting out was a good idea,
even with her threats of suicide
and the razorblades on her windowsill.

i was never taught
that i am more
than just my abuser.

the other day
i drunk too much
and i thought of you.
i thought about you and
i thought about
how we used to talk all night
every night
and how i used to pretend
you were there when i was scared,
like a big brother
holding his sister's hand
on the first day of school
and how
you could calm me down whenever i needed it
and i smiled.

and then
i remembered
how you left
and how you forgot about us
and never came back,
how you knew everything
and never even ******* checked
if we were okay
and i felt as crushed
as i did the first day
that you left

writing
to take my mind off of you
but you're all i can write about
when i'm over you
but not over it.

sometimes
when i look in a mirror,
i'm almost surprised when
a blackened eye or a split lip
are not parts of my reflection.

and sometimes
when i'm in bed
with someone that's not you,
i'm surprised when
when i just want to sleep
i'm not talked into anything else.

sometimes
i find myself arguing without reason.
just because it's what i expect.

maybe soon,
you'll be gone
and i'll be able to sigh
without fear of being choked.

i guess
everything that happened
happened for a reason
like rain
but you are the thunderstorm
in my head
i regret nothing
except maybe letting you in
striking my heart
and mind
with your electric fingertips

i only realised what "love" was
as we sat in my room smoking
breathing in eachothers scent
and i knew
that neither of us
would rather be anywhere else

it's been
572 days
since 'you' and 'I'
were 'we'
and it's been
571 days
since you decided to hate me
for breaking your heart
whilst trying to save my own
and it's been 640 days
since i fell in love with you
and the way you talk
and your voice at 3a.m.
i've been with 6 people since then
and had about 14 crushes
and you're still at the back of my mind
pushing forward
it's been 4 hours
since you last broke my heart
just a little bit more than before
but still enough to feel it
and finally
it's been 0 seconds
since you made your last appearance in my head
and i thought about how you used to hold my hand
with our little fingers
i/n/t/e/r/l/o/c/k/e/d
so you could break us apart
when anyone you knew came round the corner

(it's been two years and you're still breaking my heart)

i have a problem
i have a problem in that
i am again questioning
if i am allowed
a glass of juice
or if i should have had
three grapes instead of four
or if i am ever going to be
enough

i understand struggle
and i understand recovery is hard
but what i didn't understand
is why
you didn't recover
until you had to
until you were f o r c e d
and she is such
a beautiful reason
for you to be alive
but ****
did you not see what you did
your tainted lies
clouding my view on everything
and now i am changed
as a result of poverty
second hand addiction
and narcotics

you came over me like the waves
small ones, then bigger ones
until i was entirely consumed.

i don't believe anymore
that "it gets better"
because i have been living
yet not alive
and i still believe
that if i wasn't so tired
all
the
time
i'd **** myself
and finally feel ******* relieved.

would you believe me
if i spoke to you
in a sleepless haze
about the demons
that were coming for me?
because i cannot speak to anyone,
no professional or familiar.
they do not believe
in the way that i do,
and they don't feel the night
like you do.

what is going on in my head?
i can't breathe this morning
but i am full of life tomorrow.
i feel my brain collapse into itself
as i collapse into the floor
and into my own blood and tears.

you tell everyone
that we all need help sometimes
and that even the strongest man
cannot fight off the loneliness of the world
sometimes.

you tell everyone
that power is not talent
nor money or strength
but the power to help others
even when you can't help yourself.

and if that is true,
you must be the weakest man
in all the world.

I would give up all of my days
just to spent the last one with you
falling in love with me
like I fell for you

but then again
once you loved me
I wouldn't want to go

maybe it's better as it is

maybe tonight
when we fall asleep
I will dream of you and I
but maybe tonight
you'll dream of me too

I had none of these scars
when I was a kid
they're just fragile reminders
of things that I did
places I'd been
places I'll go
cute little coffee shops
and parks in the snow
but also the nightmares
and the fights
and the heartbreak
and sitting alone most nights

I guess you'll never know
if someone is fine
or just trying to
get by

it still makes me sick to my stomach
the thought of you with her tonight
the moonlight touching your pale skin
and your fragile fingers tracing hers
it's only chemicals but no spark or scream or sight
has made me feel like you made me feel
I want to inhale your every breath
and watch every word drop from your tongue
I want to kiss your neck as you sleep
and hold you close as you dream

but instead
all I have
is my heart
not yours
and mine is
s
  i
   n
     k
       i
        n
          g
to the bottom of the sea

i'm glad you're sad
you don't deserve to smile
you don't deserve new life or
the sight of the sun splitting the trees
you don't deserve hugs or kisses
or the gentle touch of a lover
but you deserve hell
you deserve the hell you put me through
i'm glad you're sad