I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.

I looked at his phone.
I know that’s wrong and an invasion
of privacy.
And you never find anything good
when you look at his phone.
He googled
“How to break up with someone who loves you.”
I already knew he was thinking it
before I looked.
I asked him if that’s what he wanted,
leaving out the part about how I really knew.
Just said, “I had a feeling.”
He never answered the question,
he just listed everything he hates about me.
How I need to change and for some reason
I agreed.
I don’t know why I can’t let him go,
because I know that the guy I’m supposed to be with someday, is out there. Somewhere.
He said I need to be okay with being alone because he will never marry me,
and he’s right.
I don’t want to be alone so I guess I take this **** instead of not speaking to anyone for days and going on bad dates.
But I think I’m getting closer to…
something.

My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.

It feels like I don’t know you anymore.
You’ve become a different person,
but I am still the same.
We went out into the wilderness together
but then you left me to fiend for myself.

After a week of us being broken up
today was the first day that
we didn’t speak at all.
I want to text him,
say I miss him.
I want him to say it back.
But I haven’t forgotten
that he gave up on me.
We could have been together,
He just doesn’t want me.
It will never not sting
like I’ve been bitten by a wasp
when I think of him next
to someone else.
It will never not ****
a part of me that he didn’t choose me.
I know that someone who really
loves me would never give up,
would never leave me.
I know this but I wanted him to
be that someone.

I have a nice boy in my inbox
asking when can he see me again,
but I have one on my mind that
I feel bad about letting go.
When is it too soon
to start over?
Why is there a pit in my stomach
like I’m doing something wrong
but when he kissed me it felt right.

I’m supposed to be going through the drag of orientation.
Sat in front of a computer, watch these videos.
Come get me when you’re done.
But I can’t stop thinking about him.
Time has been my worst enemy,
moving so fast taking me farther and farther away from those days we were together.
Too far away to touch anymore.
But the memories are still there.
Dimmer, foggy and like a lemon.

I want to trust him but my brain is telling me not to.
I’m scared because he could easily lie to me
or hide stuff from me and I’d never know.
He’s thousands of miles away and sometimes
He’s sweet and sometimes I don’t know what’s going on.
It’s making me feel crazy.
Suddenly I’m not even sure I’m his girlfriend.
He said the word best friend the other night but then he’s also said we’re together.
I don’t know. I need to ask him but he’s at work for the next 2 hours.
I Can’t wait that long.
And what if he says no. What does that mean. That suddenly he’s changed his mind because of someone else?
****

You make me sick.
The way you treat me like trash
unless you want money or *****
or for me to stroke your ego.
You are not the prize, you have nothing to offer me.
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow,
I am the reason the sun shines.
I have friends everywhere and people who give a **** about me.
What about you?
Who other than me even wants to see your face.
You so easily forget who’s there for you.
*******

I don’t know what I need from you
for me to feel secure but I know I like when you smile at me.

I’m busting out laughing
as I stand in my kitchen drinking a sodie pop
wearing a t shirt and sweatpants like an old retired man when in reality I’m a 26 yr old girl that
has to be an adult tomorrow.
Lol who put me in charge???

I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.

You were born one year and seven days before me.
And it took me 23 to find you.
All together I may have gotten 3 beside you.
It wasn’t enough,
but it also felt like a lifetime.
I felt destined to be with you,
like we were created in the stars.
How can a connection that felt cosmic
just be handled so poorly.
It’s like we got caught in a painting that
never got finished,
half of the canvas left empty.

The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.

I took off the necklace that carried your
initial that I bought myself to let
others know I was yours,
and then took a shot of the liquor I had
in my passenger seat.
I flipped down the mirror and looked at
my fresh highlights that I got to try
to erase you from my head.
But I still feel lost on an island,
abandoned at a truck stop.
I’ve been fighting off the urge to call you,
and the urge to drink
and the urge to go off the rails.
I can’t stop thinking about how nice it must be
to be you today,
so happy and so certain with never seeing me again.
I’m still waiting on a morning where I wake up
and the first thing I want isn’t you.

The monsters from my nightmares
come out during the day.
When I’m wide awake and suddenly
I’m reliving the day I realized
what was going on.
Then the monsters are
attacking me and I’m crying
in pain just like the first time.

I finally have him,
the job,
first shift, and
college.
But it’s still not enough to
keep me smiling.
My brain is already trying to ruin it.
Getting upset over stupid things
like money, and time together.
Comments about other girls and
jokes about me.
Already stressing and moving too fast
in my classes and work.
I just need to slow down.

He still needs me in the
small ways I need him.

Freshly picked strawberries
still wet from the rain,
and
peach scented soap
on a Sunday afternoon.

I could feel the
volcano bubbling,
waiting to erupt.
I tried to throw
cold water on it,
even a fire extinguisher
but it did nothing.
The lava came exploding out
covering every thing
in its path.
But mostly, him.

Waking up without him,
in an apartment that still doesn’t
feel like mine has only gotten
harder.
Many of my days begin
with tears or a slight panic attack
just remembering I won’t
get to see him.

I never fell out of love.

I wanna go driving
through the country side
as the sun goes down,
blasting 90s country hits
on Spotify
singing along to every song.
Then wind up at my favorite
bar and order a miller lite draft
and two shots of fireball.
Have a good conversation
with a bar fly and then
see where the liquor takes me.

The other day I was asked
why I don’t want kids
and I replied,
Freedom.
The scenario I want to happen,
absolutely could if I really wanted
because, I have freedom.
I turn 30 in about two weeks
and I have grown to like
my lifestyle
and I don’t want anything
to interrupt that.

I would rather get drunk
in my kitchen on a Thursday
then chase after a baby
and do bath time.

No matter what
That boy
from Minnesota says
about me,
I showed him the song
Waves ft Kacey Musgraves.

I got home from an afternoon spent by the water
and found him asleep on the floor in front of the fan.
I got down beside him and hugged him and he woke up.
I kissed him three times on the forehead and
said,
“I missed you. I wished you were there to have fun with.”
He said, “I know, I’m sorry.” and laid his head on my arm.
I ran my fingers through his hair and told him about my day.

As I lay there on a towel in the sun, surrounded by my friends; I couldn’t help but wish he were there.

I spent the rest of my evening with him getting food and wishing I could stay cuddled up on the couch, but I had to go to work.

It's Friday.
And I'm at work because I'm on second shift.
Spring is almost here, yet the air in Ohio is chilly like it's autumn.
I'm sitting in my Ford explorer smoking cigarettes on my lunch break.
The music on the radio *****,
and for some reason I just felt very sad.
I feel a bit empty.
And I don't know why.
I want to go for a drive as the sun sets,
but I can't.
I want to smoke a lot of **** or drink too much.
It's been a very lonely week.
This poem? ***** but I felt like I needed to write. Sorry.

it’s been a long time since I’ve said
I hate you
to myself.


That **** hurts

What if I just pretend none of this is happening.
I'll pretend that Dylan is just out in the living room playing video games.
That Sophie is staying in my bed.
And my bed doesn't have to move.
I never met Dan and he never lied to me so I can't be hurt.
Everything is normal.
The way it used to be.
It's easy and simple and nice and safe.
I'm not alone.
What if no one can hurt me.

I haven't thought about him in a long time.
And it's not even that I miss him or still love him, at all.
It's that, I was supposed to outshine him.
I was supposed to be successful, making my own money, with a lot of friends.
I was supposed to find the love of my life and get married first and post it all over facebook and make him feel like I do now.
How did everything get so backwards?
How is he already getting married?
Why not me?
I want all of that. Happiness. A proposal. A wedding. Traveling. A nice house. A kid?
I pretend every day, that I think all of that is so over rated and that I'm too young, I have my whole life.
But, I really don't. I'm getting older every day and my life is going nowhere.
I'm running out of time and missing out on huge life moments.
Will I ever have a baby? Someone else that actually brings purpose to my life.
I'm beginning to think the answer is no.
And I have no purpose. I am here for no reason.

I so badly want to be one of those people who can say,
"I'm happier then I've ever been."
And really mean it, and kind of look at others with pity who haven't figured it out.
And talk about my sad *** past with wisdom but also such relief that it's over.
Not sure if that means a new man that sparks something good inside me.
It's happened once before and I actually was the happiest I've ever been.
I can remember waking up early all the time even after going to bed very late, having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, opening the kitchen door and letting in the morning air and just feeling so happy to be alive and in that moment.
Or maybe it's a different job, or apartment, or some actual friends.
But I'm tired of being sad, confused, jealous and bored.
Oddly enough this life is actually pretty close to what I used to think I wanted.
Modest, an apartment, a decent job, living with a boyfriend.
But, there's something missing.
This isn't how it was supposed to feel.

I can try to convince myself that I'm just angry but really I just miss you.

I hate this sick to my stomach
feeling that I carry with me everywhere now.
I was just saying,
what scares me most is not knowing where to go if I lose this job.
I've been really regretting
failing out of school,
because my future is completely
unpredictable.
I know it's not official,
but I feel it's inevitable.
I have never worked so hard,
wanted so hard,
to keep a job.
And to think that all of this was for nothing,
is almost too depressing to breathe.
Why is it never me?
Why do I fail at everything I attempt?
When will it be me?

I'm becoming okay with not knowing what to do or how I feel.
I'm single at 23 with no kids so what else have I got to do except see what happens.
That's exciting but also frustrating for someone like me who likes to have a plan.
My life now is nothing like I thought it would be a year ago, so how can I think I have any control over the future.
I think this will be one of the toughest years of my life because it's one big transition after another.
I'm trying to learn as much as I can while not letting my heart make too many of the decisions.
I truly have no idea what my life will be even in a few months but I'm getting used to the unpredictable.

It’s like Christmas morning every time
he smiles at me.
Opening presents when he holds my hand.
Festive music plays when he laughs
at my jokes.
Mistletoe hangs wherever he kisses me.
And Santa is real when he calls me
his girlfriend.

Christmas comes just once a year,
but for me it’s every day I’m with him.

Sometimes I hear
the call of the wild
floating across
a warm day.
Or a foggy Friday
evening that would
be just perfect for
getting into trouble.
Pay day meant party time.
But even if I wanted
to go snooping around
there is nowhere left to go.
No one left to call to the bars.
No snow in August.

Dan Auerbach makes me want
to stand outside your house,
with a boom box.
80's movie style.
Just to see if it hits you
like it does me.
The first few strings played on that guitar,
feel like falling in love with you.

It's actually tragically beautiful.
I am a girl who will forever be stuck,
head over heels.

And you?
Who knows. Probably forgot about me a long time ago.
But I always wonder.
Maybe in ten years we'll meet again.
Single.
And my life will stop feeling like looking through a window at someone I don't know.

What a long,
painful day.
I was in the operating chair
before 9 a.m.,
getting those useless wisdom teeth
plucked from my head.
So much annoying pain,
terrible pain meds.
So much blood,
not enough gauze.
No smoking, no straws,
scared to eat, scared to drink.
Tired; with even more noticeable bags
hanging under my eyes.
Praying, hoping, wishing,
this is all over soon.