Even though it was noon
I tiptoed back to the bed
we made a mess of last night
and laid in my spot,
pressing my body against his.
He put his arm around me
and his hand under my leg.
As he snored into my back
I thought about how I
want to tell him
I love him.
I’m really in love with him.

It started with a party bathroom.
You push a button and
music and disco lights
explode from the ceiling.
Drinks come in glass boots,
and bubbles spray
out of wooden boats.
Then it’s drinking in a
renovated church
run by lesbians.
A flight of delicious
craft beers.
The bathrooms have
free tampons and pads.
Now you’re stretched out
across the backseat
of his new truck
singing along to
classic country hits
on the way to the last stop.
This place only carries
6% or higher so
now you’re drunk.
You smoke a cigarette
and talk about your old job.
You blast more country
and take the long way home.
It’s a perfect Saturday night.

Everyone has some one
to come home to.
The house is warm
and full of the sounds
of life when they
walk through the door.
Some one to kiss
and ask how was your day.
Some one to listen
whether it was good or bad.
Some one to discuss
dinner plans and then eat with,
snuggle up on the couch
and watch tv.
Maybe they have a cute baby
that gives purpose to
working 40+ hours a week,
a family to support,
and be supported by.

Tonight I drove home
in freezing rain,
and unlocked the door
to a quiet, cold house.
I forgot to grab salt for
the water softener again
because I don’t have
anyone to remind me.
Even the cat who lives here
doesn’t care about my
existence.
I sat in silence
on my bed for almost
an hour,
paralyzed in thought,
not knowing what to do
because nothing sounds good.
I turned on the ps5
and played Skyrim
for a total of 5 minutes
before turning it back off.
And I gave up on
listening to a podcast
soon after.
I thought about calling
a friend but there’s no one
to call.
I’m dying here I think.
Painfully slow,
but dying all the same.

I wonder if loneliness
could actually **** a person.

Each of my siblings
and myself got
a super powered
life long demon
that follows
from our
childhood.
Mine is deep,
dark loneliness.
The kind that never
goes away.
It lives in my stomach,
and causes me to
have outbursts of rage
and tears.
I have tried every drug,
alcohol and therapy to
make it leave.
It’s an ugly faced
monster that *****
all the joy out of life
and repeats,
“you’re gonna die alone”
in my ear.
And to be honest,
it isn’t wrong.
Men have been proving
him right since 2013.