Do you ever just feel when you’re
about to make a mistake?
I’m staring at my food beside the beer
the cute bartender served me
and I’d rather just hit my vape.
Beer #1 went down way too easy.
It’s a summer time Friday night
and none of my friends responded to
my text.
That’s cool.
So I hit up my ex.
We hangout and **** every once in awhile.
He said he’d be here in 45 minutes
So who knows what number I’ll be on then.
I feel like the people I want to like me most
hate me and I don’t know why.
Maybe that’s just how I feel though.
Or maybe it’s true and I’m a *******.
I am 28 & single in an area where that’s
really abnormal for someone my age.
I should have 2 kids & 2 marriages by now
but no one’s ever liked me enough to
get there.
Oh well.

I’m so tired of taking care of myself.
I was never meant to be alone
in this world.
As a twin I was literally born
with someone else so even before I
was here I wasn’t alone.
And now I’m 28 and single
back living with my parents
and I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want to crumple, fold, quit.
I want to cry on the couch while
someone that loves me makes dinner
and tells me it’ll be okay.
I want someone else to find the answer
and tell me I’m good, smart and beautiful.
The loneliness is so deep inside of me,
a pit that I’ve fallen into and can’t climb out.
When the one you love more than anything
leaves you on a random Saturday night
I don’t think you ever recover.
That feeling of abandonment sticks
like glue.
Permanently.

The worst part about being lonely
isn’t the pit in my stomach,
or the way I can disassociate for hours.
It’s the fact that I know he is the only
cure.
And I could probably pick
up my phone right now
and call him,
ask him to save me from this feeling
and he probably would.
But just for tonight.
Tomorrow I will be lonely again.

I wonder if you’ve been thinking
about me too lately,
or if it’s just one sided.
The other morning I lay next to my
new boyfriend and
remembered what it was like to
be next to you.
He’s taller, and he has more body
to wrap my arm around.
He doesn’t have the muscle tone
just naturally built into his arms
the way you do.
His face is softer, no stress lines
and a less full beard.
I thought about the night we broke up
and how I cuddled your back because
you hated me.
I knew it would be the last time we laid
in that apartment together
and it hurt like hell.
It doesn’t hurt anymore though,
except for a small ache in my chest
when I think about you.

I looked at the Polaroid of us together
for the first time in weeks this morning.
And then I flipped it back over.