Chameleon

Chameleon Apr 2023

I drove to an empty church parking lot
and cried in my car.
It was a moment of weakness,
of missing someone I loved not
too long ago.
It’s weird how beautiful days
make me sad,
I hate being alone when the sun
is shining.
I caved and I texted him that I
acknowledge he turns 29 in about 24 hrs.
I asked him if he had any plans,
He said the same old ****.
I replied, sounds about right.
And then my golden retriever boy
texted me saying he can’t wait to watch
hockey with me tomorrow.
So sweet and pure.
It made me stop missing that rain cloud
I loved so much.
Just because things are so different
doesn’t mean they’re so bad.
I have never been patient
but I am trying to be.
Good things come with time
at least that’s what they say.

Chameleon Apr 2023

Spring

The past few nights I have
laid down to bed wiggling my feet
and squealing with excitement.
How is it possible he exists,
right here in this small town
where I thought I had met everyone
worth meeting.
He was hidden behind the old
K-mart in a suburb I had never been to.
That is only after he came here from
Minnesota.
He has soft brown hair
and blue eyes and gap in his front teeth.
His hometown accent is still
prevalent mixed with that Ohio slur.
His dad must’ve been there,
his mother must be kind,
to have raised such a good boy.
He smiles when he sees me
and after we kiss.
He reminds me of a perfect sunset in
the spring.
Orange, pink, blue and purple.
That mix of sweet warm and cool air.
No wonder it’s always been my favorite
season.
I was just getting ready to meet him.

Chameleon Apr 2023

Out there

Thinking about him is like looking over a gate
through the opening of the trees that leads
out to a field.
I’m in here.
He’s out there.
He waves and turns to walk away.
And with him goes all the years and
all the time we spent together.
But it’s a nice day.
The sun is shining and there’s a slight breeze.
I don’t know how something so
beautiful could feel so sad.

Chameleon Apr 2023

Gone

It’s almost funny how I feel embarrassed
more than anything else.
I put myself out there
and opened up the possibility of
feeling love towards a new person.
And as exciting as it was,
it was painful too.
I kept getting glimpses of his face,
random memories of us at the Kroger
late at night.
How just 2 short months ago I never
would have believed I would be kissing
another man and feel excited about it.
And now the smallest boundary,
I see as rejection.
Of course he will leave me too,
of course I’m not good enough for
someone like him.
There must be something wrong with me,
since every man I’ve ever cared about is gone.

Chameleon Mar 2023

Untitled

I have a nice boy in my inbox
asking when can he see me again,
but I have one on my mind that
I feel bad about letting go.
When is it too soon
to start over?
Why is there a pit in my stomach
like I’m doing something wrong
but when he kissed me it felt right.

Chameleon Mar 2023

Just barely

I’ll barely eat,
and cry in my car before work.
Meanwhile I’ll trick everyone into
thinking I’m no longer
sifting through the wreckage
of us.

Chameleon Mar 2023

Miss me

I guess I knew I’d be lucky to
see forever with you.
That the odds were not in my favor.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be enough
to keep you happy
even if sometimes it meant sacrificing my own.
I’d still walk 1,000 miles for you.
But now I’m sitting in my car
with a biscuit in my lap
and Noah strumming through
my radio.
Last night I had a dream you were there,
And you said you missed me.
I still need to know if you miss me.