Chameleon

Chameleon Jun 2021

Well

it’s been a long time since I’ve said
I hate you
to myself.

That **** hurts

Chameleon Jun 2021

Maybe I’m comfortable in the hole,
it’s familiar so it’s safe.
I prefer things that don’t change.
Like I enjoy knowing what the roads
will be like in the winter,
and having the same best friend since high school.
I keep the same bad habits because
it helped me feel better once.
I like chaos because it reminds me
of home.

Chameleon Jun 2021

A wish

I wished for you in the mountains.

In the fog that settled on top of the trees
and the sun that peaked through the rocks.
I wished for you when I watched the sunset
our last night in Virginia.
A broken porcelain doll,
a lost diamond off a ring,
I wished for a blue eyed boy who would
remind me of the mountains
whenever he looked at me.

Chameleon Jun 2021

Forever

I’m going to get to see him again.
It’s not for certain.. but I’m certain.
I have been dreaming about the moment he
is standing in front of me for
over a year.
How will I react?
I wonder if I’ll cry, or feel nervous
or will it be like going home.
The moment I get to touch him,
and prove that he is still real
is a moment I would wait for forever.

Chameleon Jun 2021

It hurts

I hate this feeling.
It’s the same one I would get when I was
coming down from a ******* binge.
A desperate, painful need for something.
For more.
Eyes wide open, heart racing,
my thoughts flying by too fast to
even remember any of them.
I can’t sleep.
And I’m not high.
I’m just empty.

Chameleon Jun 2021

I shouldn’t have quit therapy

I don’t know why I don’t feel anything.
I did for about two days and then that
ooey gooey butterfly flew away.
I tried listening to that country song,
the one about the blue eyed problem,
the one that had me holding back tears
as he sang along in the car.
How can I be so hot and cold.
There’s something wrong with me.
Am I really that damaged
or will I just love the person that damaged me
forever?

Chameleon Jun 2021

Sleep with me

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
feeling more.
But I only have a full size mattress.