I do miss the quiet smile you wore
when you looked at me.
I know you see me in a way that I can’t.

I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.

I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
Safety.

I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.