I've been having moments of panic, and terror and loneliness and worry like what have I done to him? To me? Can I really take care of myself as well as I always thought.
I'm crying as I write this because I'm scared.
I'm also terrified that I will give in to him and let things go back to the way they were. I'm weak.
I still haven't seen him yet, but I know that when he comes here to get his stuff I will want to take it all back because he will guilt me.
He will cry and say he still loves me but I don't want to give in.
I need this. I need this.
I don't know how to tell my therapist about this on Friday. I feel she will think it was a bad idea. But she would be wrong.

The sun is setting.
Barely any cars are going by this Sunday evening.
I'm sitting at the dining room table feeling drunk and high and who knows.
Maybe I'll take a walk, or go lay down.
Right now I'm singing in an empty apartment.
For the first time I noticed the echo.
I need food, I need to sleep, maybe see someone.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and regret calling off and I'll remember what happened, still in belief.

And that's it.
It's over.
I did it and didn't even mean to.
We're over.
I left and went to my brother's.
I needed one of my siblings.
We went back to my house later and he was gone.
It's quiet.

Much quieter.
I left and went on a drive.
I ended up at Hueston Woods and sat by the dam.
I listened to the water and felt the breeze and just stared.
It doesn't feel real. Not yet.
Even though now I'm home and it's still quiet.
I'm getting drunk and smoking **** and letting my dog run all over the house that my brother and his boyfriend just so kindly cleaned.
I haven't eaten all day and I called off work.
I'm not ready to sit in this so I'm playing music very loud as I write this.
Funny enough Dan hasn't texted me back all day.
****. Maybe all guys are the same lol

Whatever. I want to be alone anyway.

I'm trying to decide what to do while sitting at the dining room table with wet hair, and no sound except passing cars, and the birds chirping outside.
I need to go to the store but I have no idea what I need because my mind is empty.
The only thing I can think about is whether or not I want to change my life today.
Not just my life.
I might sit here until my hair dries going back and forth, probably writing a thousand poems about the same thing.
It just feels like it's time, but, it won't for him.

I think I might do it tomorrow.
Not tonight because it's too late and I want to get some sleep.
I might tell him I developed a crush on someone else and that it's left me confused, and I don't know what I want.
But I want to be alone this week.
I want him to go stay somewhere else so I can have the house to myself to figure it out, figure myself out a bit.
But I'm scared.
Of how it will make him feel, and of how he might react.
But I have not cheated. I haven't.
I just feel something for someone else that I should only feel for him.
And I can't go on pretending anymore.
It makes me sick to my stomach and depressed and so utterly confused.
Maybe I'll chicken out by the time I wake up, but I hope not.
I don't want this to go on any longer.
I can't take it anymore, I want to be honest, I want to put myself first.

We did such normal mundane couple things together.
We walked through Habitat for Humanity looking for a coffee table, and I commented on things that would or wouldn't fit the room, and all the cute little things I liked.
We drove to Greenville to get an air conditioner and got caught in a downpour, both of us highly uncomfortable with how little we could see.
We chatted about our families and the wild things we did as teenagers.
He went and picked up **** from his friend and on the way back to his house it began raining again.
He let the windshield get completely covered with water and we laughed at how risky it was.
I covered my eyes with my hands, laughing, saying oh my god, I can't look.
When we got back we smoked 2 joints and continued talking about our younger selves, and how I was sad to move.
When I asked him a question about what made him slow down and become more reserved he paused for a long time, I could tell he was debating on how to answer until he said,
"I don't know if I want to tell you yet."
I said, that's totally fine. There are things about me I don't want you to know yet either.
It was getting late and I knew I should go so we walked outside together and he hugged me.
I drove home feeling like I was leaving one life and going back to another.
And I really didn't want to.