There is almost no compliment that feeds my soul more then hearing that someone thinks I'm funny.
It makes me feel brighter then being told I'm beautiful because you never forget someone who could make you laugh.

I've been turning the heat on in the car on smoke breaks.
69 degrees now feels cold.
I always get so exhausted after my brain spirals and washes down stream.
It's like it catches on fire or spins really fast,
and then when it cools off I can barely keep my eyes open.
I almost texted Dan and told him some stupid **** like I loved him and hated myself.
And I almost texted Sam and told him I understand why he tried to **** himself.
But luckily, thank god or whatever it is, I didn't.
But now my break is over and I have one hour left until I can go home and smoke a bowl and dream of being someone else.

I want to delete every picture from my Instagram because I hate myself.

I've still got that nervous pit in my stomach.
He invited me over to see his new place.
I went about an hour before I had to go to work.
My stomach was ******* in knots the whole way there.
I actually parked in the Walgreens parking lot just to give myself a minute.
Repeatedly out loud saying,
Oh my god, oh my God!
Finally I mustered the courage and drove to his house.
I waited a second to see if he would come outside but he didn't.
So I knocked.
He opened the door and said,
"Oh hi! Come in."
He began saying it was still a mess and hasn't fully unpacked.
Of course he looked so good.
Really tan from being outside all day, he was wearing a white cut off and basketball shorts.
I glanced around and said,
"How exciting! I like it."
Then I blurted out that I was nervous.
He said, "yeah it has been a long time since we've seen each other."
I first noticed the built in book shelf in the living room, newly painted white.
He didn't have a lamp so the only light was from a candle and the curtains being drawn a bit.
I sat across from him in a chair, he was on the couch.
He asked if I wanted to smoke even though I had to go to work,
and then he laughed a little and mentioned that he could finally teach me how to roll a joint.
We sat across from each other on the floor and he laid out the **** and some papers and began talking through it.
I was sort of successful, but I insisted we use his paper to smoke.
I was beginning to feel relaxed but time was running out.
We talked a bit about music and he showed me the rest of his house.
Then he asked me,
"Are you really gonna go to work?" And smiled.
I laughed and said, "yes."
He said alright and asked me to come back sometime and help him decorate his place.
I noticed the time and told him I had to go.
As he opened the front door he said,
"I wish you didn't have to leave."
I smiled and said, me either.
Outside he excitedly showed me the marijuana plants some one before him had planted and left behind.
He offered one to me if I wanted.
I just said, I'll think about it.
I began to walk away but turned around and said good bye.
He did too.
I got into my car feeling ******, and jittery.
I can't believe I was in his house.
I can't believe he wanted me to stay.
Then I drove to work as the sun was setting.