I so badly want to be one of those people who can say,
"I'm happier then I've ever been."
And really mean it, and kind of look at others with pity who haven't figured it out.
And talk about my sad *** past with wisdom but also such relief that it's over.
Not sure if that means a new man that sparks something good inside me.
It's happened once before and I actually was the happiest I've ever been.
I can remember waking up early all the time even after going to bed very late, having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, opening the kitchen door and letting in the morning air and just feeling so happy to be alive and in that moment.
Or maybe it's a different job, or apartment, or some actual friends.
But I'm tired of being sad, confused, jealous and bored.
Oddly enough this life is actually pretty close to what I used to think I wanted.
Modest, an apartment, a decent job, living with a boyfriend.
But, there's something missing.
This isn't how it was supposed to feel.