Chameleon

Chameleon Jul 2018

I just got home from work and driving through the sun rise after stopping at the gas station for cigarettes.
The pink lightbulb guides me up the steps to my apartment and I'm greeted by Sophie the pitbull,
she wiggles and runs happy to see me.
She's the first one into the bedroom when I open the door and as I change out of my work clothes I pet her and kiss her head, complimenting on how cute she is the whole time.
Then I light a candle, pack a bowl and go to Netflix in search of Bob Ross, The Joys of Painting.
On this episode he is painting a night scene in the forest.

Chameleon Jul 2018

Love me

I want you to save me
even though I know you can't.

In my mind you are the solution.
If I could just find a way to get to you then all of my problems would be solved.
You would make me happy, and put my needs first, and love me like nobody's ever loved me.

But, that probably wouldn't happen.
You wouldn't be able to make me happy for very long,
you wouldn't put me first, because no man ever has.
You'd be just as selfish as every other.
I'd just go from one guy who wouldn't love me like I deserve, to another.
No one will ever love me like I love them.

Chameleon Jul 2018

Stuck

I know why I'm unhappy.
Because I'm stuck.
Because of choices I made and it's too late to go back now.
I can't leave my job because I need the money and benefits.
I can't leave my apartment because I can't afford anything else.
I can't get out of my relationship because it's been almost 5 years and I take care of him.
I can't enjoy the money I have now because I need it to buy oil this winter to heat my house.
So I can't be happy because of choices I've made.
I don't see a way out.
I wish I could just accept that this is my life, but, I don't want it.

Chameleon Jul 2018

The one

I just want to be the one you love.
The one you think of when you wake up.
I want to be the girl you compare the others to,
and miss when they are nothing like me.
I want to be the girl you wrap your arms around, and kiss in the dark when no one is watching.
I just want to be the girl you are thinking of.

Chameleon Jul 2018

4th

The sun is beginning to rise outside and I'm thinking of you.

Chameleon Jul 2018

Hair

Each hair I pluck from my head feels good; well satisfying at the time.
Until I look at it in my fingers.
I can see where my natural hair color ends and where the blonde begins.
I run it over my fingertips and then drop it off to my side.
Time to find another.
And another.
Until I realize in a panic that I have just pulled out even more of what was left of my bangs.
Perfect.
Let's see if I can figure out how to cover this up, or maybe this time I can't.
What then?

#trichotillomania

Chameleon Jun 2018

Camels

The only thing I have from you is the empty pack of Camel cigarettes that you gave me that had one left for me to have just in case.
Is it weird that I don't want to throw it away?