I wish that someone
had loved me more as a kid
or given me that one
thing that could’ve
saved me from pulling
out my hair
and plotting my own
demise.
The uncontrollable rage
I feel towards myself
is something I can’t
describe.
In my head it makes
sense but when he asks
me what’s wrong
I say I don’t know.
So I spent another beautiful
Friday crying into my
bed asking why am I not enough
until I fell asleep.

It’s easy for me to say
oh I’m off my medication
so this thought is just
that.
A thought,
a fabrication
a lie
that my mind is playing.

But what if it’s just
intuition.
It has always been right
in the past,
but also people are so see through.
It’s obvious to me when
someone is lying or
being deceitful
and that’s why I am
so *******.

I am not blind

All the windows are open,
and the lights are off.
The only sounds are
the crickets and
a box fan.
It’s an unusually cool
night for the first of
August but no one is
complaining.
July was a heatwave.

I love when he naps
in my lap.
His arms folded across
his chest,
long legs almost hanging
off the side of the couch.
There is a painting of
him sleeping that hangs on
the wall of his bedroom,
and it is very accurate.
He’s so sweet,
and sleepy when he
smiles at me and mumbles
“You’re so pretty”
before falling back into
a quiet snore.
I’m more or less trapped here
but that’s okay.
I’ve got my **** and redbull
and him.

I should have
put in the work
instead of looking
for an easy out.
I don’t want any more
chemicals in my brain
or my body.
I want to know that what
I’m feeling is real,
and it’s me.
I genuinely can’t say that
I’m happier now,
in fact I was sent into
a manic episode which
hasn’t occurred in years.
I want to sleep,
eat, drink and be merry.

I lay in bed on my side
frozen in place.
Eyes wide open,
no blinking.
Quick shallow quiet
breaths,
hoping that if I’m small
enough and I don’t move
I will be safe.

I wake up at 5:20
after snoozing the alarm
and the lamp clicks on.
I grab a Redbull from the fridge
and get dressed.
Do my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat.
I get to work early enough
to sit in my car for abit
and then clock in.
I build all of my units
and then go home in the
sweltering heat.
Take a shower,
check on Cat.
Make dinner and watch
my favorite podcast.
Then for dessert I take
3 of my anxiety/sleep meds
and wait for them to
do their job,
so I don’t feel this heart break
and instead go to sleep.