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Dog
The last few nights I’ve had dreams
about a little black and white dog
that almost looks like a stuffed animal
it’s so cute and small.
Holding its little warm body
in my arms filled me with so much
happiness.
It left me feeling empty when I woke up.
Chameleon 15h
Growing up
our dad was always
very excited to
see a rainbow.
It was almost mandatory
that you come
outside and oo
and ah at the glory
of nature.

This afternoon we
had a summer storm
that brought wind
and lots of rain.
But to my surprise
the sun came out.
So I got out of bed
and walked out the front
door and sure enough
one was forming almost
like a painting behind
the windmill.
I was excited,
I knew from the angle
of the sun that this one
was going to really shine.
I knew my dad
would be proud as I
moved around the porch
trying to get a
good photo.

It felt like a show at
the end of the day;
watching it form,
show off,
and then fade into
the air.
Chameleon 21h
Being alive is
making me
nauseous
He claims he doesn’t
want me to suffer
or punish myself
but it’s clear to me
that he does.
Refusing to speak me
unless it’s on his terms.
Setting up even more
rules and boundaries
even though there are
currently a maze of those.
And bringing up my
horrible mistake every
chance he can.

He thinks he’s the one
with control,
but he’s not.
I am.
I don’t want to
punish myself anymore.
I’m not even saying
I’m innocent but
I don’t want to lock
myself up.

I don’t want to do this
anymore.
-no, I didn’t cheat. It’s actually worse if you can believe it
Bad
I’ve been asking myself
all weekend
if I’m a bad person,
and I think the answer
is yes.
I keep asking myself,
Why is he doing this to me?
He knows this kills me.
He knows I’m lonely and
heart broken for him.
He claims he loves me
but he doesn’t show it,
at all.
I’ve seen him and
have only spoken to him
for one hour this week.

I don’t understand why
I’m never enough.
I don’t understand why
he treats me like this
Chameleon Jun 10
I peeked around the corner
to see if the bartender
was there and we made
eye contact so I
blurted out,
I’ll have another.

I probably shouldn’t
have another
because it’s 6:30 pm
on a Tuesday
that went completely
wrong.

Now I have to decide
if being completely
alone
is better than
being “in love”
with someone who
doesn’t see me
in their future.

I keep thinking that
maybe I can change
my mindset.
Be okay with a weekend
boyfriend,
just a guy that I care
about but not that much.
But I keep proving
to myself that
I can’t change.

I want someone
who wants me there.
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