Everyone has some one
to come home to.
The house is warm
and full of the sounds
of life when they
walk through the door.
Some one to kiss
and ask how was your day.
Some one to listen
whether it was good or bad.
Some one to discuss
dinner plans and then eat with,
snuggle up on the couch
and watch tv.
Maybe they have a cute baby
that gives purpose to
working 40+ hours a week,
a family to support,
and be supported by.

Tonight I drove home
in freezing rain,
and unlocked the door
to a quiet, cold house.
I forgot to grab salt for
the water softener again
because I don’t have
anyone to remind me.
Even the cat who lives here
doesn’t care about my
existence.
I sat in silence
on my bed for almost
an hour,
paralyzed in thought,
not knowing what to do
because nothing sounds good.
I turned on the ps5
and played Skyrim
for a total of 5 minutes
before turning it back off.
And I gave up on
listening to a podcast
soon after.
I thought about calling
a friend but there’s no one
to call.
I’m dying here I think.
Painfully slow,
but dying all the same.

I wonder if loneliness
could actually **** a person.

Get high before work,
hit penjamin and
cough,
smoke filling my car.
This isn’t a good idea
because **** makes me
forgetful
but **** it.
I realize that the louder
I set the music
the better I feel
so I’m treating this
cruise like it’s 8 hours later.

I’ve been feeling uncool,
unhappy and unlike
myself for the last few
months.
I think all I want for
Christmas this year,
is me.

I can’t escape it.
It follows me around
every corner,
down every alley.
I just want to turn
to him,
but he isn’t there.
Turns out loneliness
is the only thing
that will never leave me.

I want him to say
something.
I want to say
something.
But I don’t and neither does he.
Even though it
eats at me I decide
it’s probably best
to just be quiet today.
To not send another message.
I get angry at him
when I put some of
my emotions on a platter
and he doesn’t reciprocate.
It makes me embarrassed
and ashamed to
let any feelings out.
I don’t know when I
started to be like that,
and I know it’s
not healthy
but I don’t know
how to fix it.
I worry all the time that
he’s going to grow tired
of my inability to
speak when it’s
most needed.

I know I’m not easy
to deal with,
I know it might be
difficult to know
what to say,
or do.
But he knows.
He said,
I’m your boyfriend,
you can always talk to me.
Then he complimented
me from the
other night,
unable to stop thinking
about it, just like
how I’ve been getting
lost in day dreams lately.

I had a dream that
he finally said
I love you,
and even outside of
reality I hesitated before
I said it back.

I am that girl you see
sitting alone at the bar
on a Friday night.
I have no husband,
or man who cares for me.
No kids.
I just exist as the background
character or
side kick in everyone’s story.
I’m the girl
that gets called to come out
and party,
but never called to
come home.
I don’t have anyone to
turn to when my day
didn’t go very well,
or even if it was great.
I feel everything alone.

That’s why I’ve been
planning my escape.
Waiting impatiently
for a phone call
that says,
we want you!
Buy a plane ticket
there’s a bed and a
job waiting for you.

I would jump.