I wish I could say
I don't give a fuuck.
You all expect too much.
I'm still new to this,
I'm 19,
I failed out of college.
I don't know any of this stuff.
And sometimes when they
talk it turns into a
foreign language.
I just want to yell at
everybody to back off.
Give me a chance.
Fuuuuccckk
But their job is to hate
on me..
But today I really could care
less.. I'm flying.

I literally just
have to keep saying
good vibes right now,
otherwise I'm going
to scream.

I have to complain a little bit.

These below freezing
temperatures,
icy roads and snow
are the things I fear the most,
and I knew it was coming.
This is why I was pushing so
hard, and not letting it go
when we were fighting about
him getting a job.
Maybe we would have a place
together by now,
or maybe he would be the one
that has to drive every single day,
and run his car to the ground.
I mean, it's been over a year.
And we've only talked about it
a few times.
To be honest, I hate it.
I hate all of this.

I remember being told to,
watch out and
be careful with him.
He's crazy, he uses people,
He's dangerous, he's wrong.
He never was to me.
Even in his darkest moments
he never put hands on me,
he never tried to take anything
not even a cigarette.
I gave them to him because
sharing is one of my flirting
techniques.
He never tried to force me
to do anything I didn't want to.
He didn't scare me.
He was nothing like what
anyone said he was.
He was wonderful.

I loved you because
you are that little boy
in the picture frame
on the wall in your living room.
You are the only one
who didn't turn your back
on me when I needed someone most.
You are the guy
that just wants to take care
of his dad and doesn't
even think about his needs.
You are fearless and honest.
I loved you because you
were everything that everyone
thought you weren't.
I loved you because I
knew *you.

Yes,
I am devastated,
angry, and hopeless.
I am almost 20 years old.
I am almost 20 years old.
I say this about once a day,
not to brag,
but because I am terrified
about where my life is
at this age.
I am nothing.
And there's no nice way to say it.
And absolutely no answers
on how to change it.

It's as though someone
tied bricks to my feet,
and threw me into
a pool.
I can see everything
dissapearing in front
of my eyes,
but I can't stop the
water from filling
my lungs.

I'm going to try to be an adult.
I'm going to try to not freak out.
I'm going to try to be smart.
I'm going to try to not miss my mom so much.
I'm going to do this because I can.

He said he missed me
too..
He missed me.
That's all I ever needed
to hear.

I should be doing
homework,
but all I can think
about is you.
It makes me feel guilty,
but dangerously excited.
You are like tripping
without eating anything.
Falling,
even though I'm sitting down.
You are like dreaming
although I'm awake.
You are my sunshine
on this cloudy day.
And I can't wait
to spend my time
with you,
and escape into
the moment.

Recently I have been
able to forget about him
all day long.
Until I finally close my eyes
and fall into a deep sleep.
And then,
there he is.
The main character in all
of my dreams.
The other night we were on
his couch again,
and then he was kissing me.
I remember the way his
hair felt in my fingers.
And last night it was like
I was chasing him,
trying to get closer,
but all I got to see was his face.
I'm going to try to not
read into anything,
because they say when you dream
about someone else it
doesn't "mean" anything..
But I think it does mean
something.
I miss him.

I've been thinking about you
a lot lately.
Daisy day dreaming about what
our life could be like.
Long nights spent talking and laughing,
shared with good ****,
and drinks.
But most of all, happiness.
A n d
    Y     o  u.
a n   d
YOU!

I can't do this anymore.
I know you have problems
but I do too,
and Im not strong
enough to carry all
of this weight,
for you.
You say you love me,
but you don't show it.
You say I'm the best
thing in your life,
although I am never a
part of it.
How can you be
my shoulder to cry on
when you're the
reason I'm crying.
I have tried my best.
But that's all I have.
I have nothing left
to give,
nothing left for
you to take.
I am so sick of
feeling this way.

I'm having one of those
days where I spend
the hours reminiscing
in my head.
Probably because I have
nothing to do after work.
I miss the days where I
didn't have a boyfriend,
but I had friends.
I had people.
I didn't feel so lost when
I had to be alone.
And I'm kinda mad at myself,
because it's my own fault
for not having anyone in
my life.
And now that I can't see
my boyfriend as often,
I'm stuck in my own head
even more,
trying to escape by
smoking *** and watching
Orange is the new black.
But seasons end.
And then what will I do?

I really don't like that
I have to spend the rest
of my day around people.
I just want to be alone.
I don't wanna talk,
or pretend to smile.
I just want to sit on my
old bed in my old room,
watch Tv and smoke **** with
the window open.
But I can't.
Because none of my stuff
is at home.
Today is moving day.

So, maybe tomorrow.

Sometimes you
figure out why people
come into your life
and why they leave.
And then other times,
you never know.
We became toxic
to each other,
like a drug we couldn't
detox away,
no matter how hard
we try.
I still don't know why
he came into my life,
but I know why he left.
All I did was hurt him,
and all he did was hurt me.
Maybe it's better
this way.
Because when I hear
his name all I want
to do is throw up.

Sometimes when I think
about him it makes me sick
to my stomach.
Like I'm going throw up every
nice word he ever whispered
in my ear.
Sometimes when I think
about him, it makes tears fall
to my hands.
Like every time he touched me
is all being felt in this one moment.
Sometimes when I think
about him it lifts my soul.
Like every time he made me smile
just happened.

Sometimes I think about him.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about

me.

ha.
what kind of idiot am I?
I messaged him and asked,
Can we talk sometime?
And a little part of me
really expected him to answer.

But of course he isn't going to.
He has nothing left to say.
He is the one that said we shouldn't
be friends.

But god ******,
this isn't fair.
It's not what I wanted.

Why can't I get some closure?
Why does it have to end like this?
Why does it have to end at all..

I know it may seem like
nothing.
Or maybe I'm just
a ******.
But either way, he
wanted to see how I was.
How I am.
I knew I couldn't be the only one.
He misses me.
I knew I wasn't crazy.
It's been over 10 months since
we last spoke,
but I haven't forgotten.
And apparently he hasn't either.
This is seriously good news.
Everything works itself out.

Sorry,
I don't think drinking is cool.
In fact,
I know that it can be very
dangerous.
If done in moderation
and on special occasions
then I say go for it.
But if you drink to fit in
and do it often enough
that I know how much you
drink by Facebook posts,
then I will think that you must
be a dull, boring person
because you need alcohol to
have fun, or make people like you
or make guys interested in you.
I don't think anyone has ever
made a good decision under
the influence.
And if you must black out
and make an *** out of yourself
with every free second you get,
then at least keep it to yourself.
We're all adults now.
Who are you still trying to impress?

I think I am coming to
terms,
on my own,
that it is okay that I still
feel love for him, that I still care,
even if I never find out if he does too.
We were more than just a few months.
We were best friends,
we were all each other had at that time.
I loved him for exactly who he was,
and he loved me, for me.
My heart will always want him
to be happy, to have peace.
And that's okay.
It is okay to care about someone.
I need to remember this, so I can stop
wondering why why why.

I hate this town.
I hate that I still
******' live here.

And now that it's
summer time,
I am constantly reminded
of him.
A boy that I was
head over heels
obsessed about,
out of nowhere.

Everybody asked me
what I was doing
with him,
and I could never think
of what to say.
But the bottom
of my heart
could only think,
I love you.

We connected,
we just got each other,
never pretending to be
anyone else.

I know every dark secret,
heart break,
suicide attempt,
because he told me.
We really knew each other.

And it was the scariest
thing on earth,
so I ran away,
and he disappeared.

I never told
him
that I  l o v e d  h i m .

Yesterday I
took him to
the hospital.
When I showed up
at his house he
was shaking,
and I could tell
he was in pain.
We got lost on the
way there but it
turned into a
fun road trip.
I laid my head on
his shoulder in the
waiting room,
and we played
I spy,
as we waited for
the doctor.
They said that it
was nothing serious,
so we ran to the car
when we were released,
and pulled into
the Taco Bell next door.
When we got back to his
house we got
high with the clouds,
and landed in his bed.
We had a perfect day,
that I never wanted to end.
And I fell even more
in love with the boy
I took to the hospital.

If you don't understand
the calm that comes with driving
as the sun starts to peak over the edge
of the earth,
and watching the sky change
colors every minute,
than I suggest that on a day
off work,
wake up early and go get some
breakfast, or coffee.
Smoke a cigarette or a joint,
or both.
Meet the morning people,
they smile more.
See how much more time there
really is in a day.

You will not be disappointed.

I worry that he'll find
someone prettier,
who's got long blonde hair,
perfect nails
and a lot less issues.
Someone young and fun,
who doesn't stress about
life,
because things just happen
for her because she's beautiful
and smart.
And then here's me with
my short patchy hair,
and the definition of everything
a guy doesn't want.

When did my self esteem disappear?
I used to be so confident
in the body that I live in.
I used to know I was beautiful,
**** and mysteriously different
in all the best ways.
I used to joke about being a
man eater.
Well folks,
I'm not joking anymore.

This is all too much,
how can one week out of
an entire year feel so **** long.
My hands have hardly left
my hair alone,
and my smile has only made a
brief appearance.
Well what's wrong?
whatswrongwhatswrongwhatswrongwhatswrong
Nothing.
Everything.
me.
My whole entire life. Its not going as planned,
its not what I want.
I always need money, but I don't want it.
My job is everything I hate.
And I am stuck here.
I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

I just really need a break from life
for awhile.

I came home from work
and started watching
Louie,
and then I got a beer.
I drank and I watched.
And then I realized I
needed cigarettes
so I decided to take
a walk because I was
feeling a little tipsy.
On my way to the Village Pantry
it seemed like everyone
was looking at me.
I got my cigarettes
and walked back home.
I passed by a lake
and it was beautiful.
The world looks different
when you're walking.
Then I got home,
and took off my shirt
because the beer made me sweat.
So I took a shower.
I heard the neighbor's dog
barking and prayed that
no one was here,
for me.
The water felt good,
so I stood under the shower
head for awhile,
and debated messaging him,
and telling him how I feel.
Then of course I backed out,
so I grabbed another beer,
and sat back down on the couch,
and I was right back
where I started.

There's nothing like smoking
a blunt on the drive home.
It's fun to share,
but even better to have to
yourself.
Just the road,
music and it.

Oh yeah,
there's that moment of happiness
today.

I just smoked a bowl
and inhaled a pink piece
of cake past one a.m.
I don't even like cake.
I am sick sick sick.
Can't breathe.
It hurts to smoke but
I still do.
I have my favorite caramel
scented candle burning
on my desk,
and I'm about to lay down.
Try to fall asleep while
I still have a buzz.

I drive through the town
that helped us meet;
every day on my way to
work,
just hoping to catch a glimpse
of you.
I thought I saw your car at
the gas station that I didn't
need to go to,
so I pulled in and my heart was
pounding in my chest.
I walked in and knew instantly that
you weren't there.
But I just had to see.

Okay,
let's be a little real
for a second.
I know you didn't send me
that invite because you
wanted me to know,
or even go for that matter.
You did it for selfish reasons
in hopes that you'd win
a lap dance from one of those
strippers or something.
But, um,
how come I got the message
when we aren't even Facebook
friends?
So.. Thank you,
*******, for going out of your
way to remind me that you're
alive..
and that you have fingers.
Remember when you completely
blew me off,
and didn't say **** back to
that message?
The one I know you saw.
You could have skipped my name,
you could have some respect for
my ******* feelings,
you could have responded
and been a decent human being.

All I want to say to you is
Please ******* out of my life
forever.
And the funny thing is,
I'm sure you didn't even notice
that you just did something
really wrong.

I wrote him
a mess of run on sentences
in a message on Facebook,
one day after work when
the beer gave me false courage.
I haven't read it since
I released it from my grasp.
I never want to.
It's been days,
and he's had no reaction.
He probably doesn't care.
I feel like an idiot,
but my drunk words
were true words.

If you really
knew me,
then you would
know that
I'm a slob,
a tornado.
A lazy stoner who
can eat an entire
bag of Doritos in
one sitting.
And yet,
I'm a hard worker,
I get **** done.
You would know
that I'm shy,
until I fall in love
with you.
That I'm a little
slice of crazy,
wrapped up in
heaven.
If you really knew
me,
then maybe you'd
love me.

We were sitting on
the floor of his laundry
room,
in tears as I was
trying to end it.
But all I wanted
to do was kiss him.
So I scooched closer
and I did.
He asked me why
I did that and
the answer was easy.
I said,
I love you.
So we smoked a few
bowls and talked for
a few hours,
and we ended up
in his bed.
We spent the night
kissing, and
crying.
Making love and
making up.
It was all just
a mis-understanding.

Honestly I feel like
my life is falling apart.
Everything good I had
is gone.
I'm right back to where
I was a year ago
except this time I have
no Tv to fill my nights.
I'm gonna have to get used
to spending a lot of time
alone.
I'll just always be high
and continue this
shopping addiction
in hopes that new clothes
will make me feel important.

And do whatever I can
to enjoy constant solitude.

He said he wants
to marry me.

As a girl,
that is something
you never forget.

I've only thought
about spending the
rest of my life with
one other person,
it didn't happen,
but I haven't forgotten.

I'm in love though,
and it's wonderful.
Love l o v e love love
L O V E

My biggest fear is that
one day,
something will happen,
and then my fingers will go
to work and the next time
I look in the mirror
it will all be gone.

And I'll be left
standing in a
pile of my own
regrets.

I kept asking him,
"Why aren't you still mad?"
And he kept saying,
"Because I love you and I'm
not going to hold a grudge."

And for some reason that made
me less angry,
and more sad.