It's been a strange week.
It's strange to feel every emotion
that human beings feel,
all at once.
I've decided to slow down,
smile,
and enjoy all of the great
things coming my way,
and all of the great things
that are coming to an end.

I'm anxious to see what life
has in store for me.

I think I saw you
looking at me,
as I hopped out of
my car to pump gas.
I didn't actually think
it was you.
My heart was beating
a million miles an hour.
I wonder if yours was too.

He thinks she is
**** when her eyes
are red and his t-shirt
hangs off her shoulders.
When her hair is messy,
from hours of smoking
and making love
under the sheets.
She is so beautiful
when she doesn't know.

Tonight I am miss
Mary Jane.

Wh o a r e y  o    u u u

I just had to stop and delete
everything I had written
because when I read back over it,
I realized I was about to
try and put garbage out
and hopefully get a like.
I apologize anyway.
I just feel different these
days, like something's got
ahold of my spirit.
I feel like I'm a few more
bad weeks away from
having a mental breakdown.
Caution: keep the ***** away from me, otherwise you'll have a
sobbing nineteen year old
wreck in your lap.
I don't know how to end
this poem because I haven't
come to a conclusion.

It doesn't bother me
anymore that there
have been people who
left my life
without saying good-bye.
The beauty of age, time and space,
is that it can erase all
the pain and worry you
once carried.
I am comfortable with
who I am,
and I'm done apologizing
for being just that.
It's just not worth it
to try and make others happy,
while forgetting about yourself,
to be criticized or drug down
by people who don't
understand what you want
out of life.
So I can count my friends
on one hand,
but at least I'm happy.

I'm not afraid of what
you think anymore.

I shouldn't have
pried on something
that I didn't want
to know the answer to.

But now all of my questions
have conclusions
and I wish they
were still up in the
      a i r

The holidays always make
me feel lonely.
I wish he was with me.
I wish I was with him.
I'm thankful for the love
I have,
because there is no one else
like him.

Today I found out
that my boyfriend
has cancer.
Well, it's forming
in his body.
Stomach.
They gave him a
few pills and sent him
on his way.
He didn't even want
me to know.
Said he didn't want me
to freak out.
But I didn't.
He keeps saying
he's going to be fine.
It's fine, it's fine,
it's okay.
And what happens
if it's not?

I am not good at being alone.
Probably because,
growing up I always had someone
there with me.
I'm an identical twin.
So it's no wonder i feel
empty when I'm by myself.
I like to think that I'm
independent,
but I'm beginning to think
that's not true.
I need someone sitting beside
me in the passenger seat,
and at the movies,
and someone there
to watch shows with me and
help finish bowls.
I need a constant friend.

Hello Sunshine.
I saw you again today.
I was driving by the
Speedway and you
were wearing a
blue bandana.
I hope it was the one
you got from Bonaroo.
I remember how happy
it made you.
:)

I feel so anxious.
My heart is racing,
my mind is overflowing.
I don't know why
because everything is
fine.
I should have drank
a beer.
I am smoking
to prevent myself
from pulling out my hair.
Literally.

I wish I could call
my boyfriend,
but it's 2:27 a.m.

I just felt like I needed
to write.
I know that this
isn't anything profound.

Day 9,999 of working
without a day off,
with no appreciation from
my **** job that I haven't called off,
and doing the things no one
else wants to.
I went a whole 13 hours without
pulling out any hair,
but most of that time was when
I was asleep.
I'm amazed I'm not bald
by now.
Sunday will be here soon enough.
Only 4 more days.
But for me,
the hardest part of working
is getting out of the car.
It's been raining non-stop
and there's still a whole week
of it ahead.
And my birthday is in less
than 20 days.
I don't care and no one else will
either.
I will be 20 years old.
That means I've been pulling hair
out of my head for 4 years.
I can't believe it's been that long.

I'm sorry I got high
and my fingers can't
stop writing sentences
about him.
But he is my muse.
The perfect amount
of true insanity,
in this corrupt universe.
And I just wanna tell him
everything.

The forecast calls for high
humidity and another long,
hot day.
I woke up last night and
forgot where I was,
because he wasn't sleeping
next to me.
I woke up really early and
got ready relatively fast.
My friend's dad who works
at Speedway offered me a job.
Probably because I'm their
most consistent shopper.
I politely declined and told him
I already work 40 hours a week.
I got high before work,
so I feel good.
Just not looking forward
to the humidity,
again.

I dream a lot about
being taken away from here,
from this 9-5 job,
from car trouble,
and struggling to pay the rent.
I dream a lot about
a boy with tattoos on
his wrist,
and how his fingers used to
hold me so tightly
after he had one too many
drinks, and he tasted like
beer.
I dream a lot about a man
who showed me what real love
is like,
and helped me realize
that breakfast is my favorite
meal of the day.
And that coffee fixes everything.

So I guess you could say I
dream a lot about the past,
and I keep hoping that somehow
if I wish hard enough
that I can get it all back..

I just still don't know how I'm
ever supposed to get over last summer.

On my way to work
I stopped by the Speedway to
get gas.
I pulled up to the pump next
to a pick up truck,
that was missing the back completely.
On my way out of the gas station
I recognized the guys who were waiting on their friend.
After walking around the back
of my car after pumping gas,
the guy on the passenger side
had the window down.
He smiled and said,
"We're going wheelin'"
I laughed and said, "Have fun."
He said, "you too."
I told him I'm going to work,
and he laughed a little.
He waved at me as I pulled away,
and I did too.
I left feeling happy,
to have such a nice, positive
interaction with someone I
once sat in high school classes with.
Good vibes.

At first I liked you
because you were nice to me,
but not in the
clingy and desperate way.
And because you would sit
there quietly sometimes,
and look lost in thought.
And then I got to know you.
And realized that I liked everything.
I can remember the first time
I missed you.
You were going away to Iowa
for most of the summer to see your mom.
I sat up half the night
crying, waiting, awake,
hoping to hear you ride
by my house.

I couldn't even hear the crickets.

The fan is luring
me to sleep.
My sister and her
boyfriend are in
the bathroom getting
ready for bed.
I'm already in bed,
in my new room,
that's still looks
like no one lives in it.
I still haven't finished
unpacking.
I'm distracted,
thinking about my mom,
a cigarette, Sleep.

Sometimes I feel
ten thousand different
feelings all at once..

He makes me feel
hopeful that one day
everything will be better.
And I love him for it.

Maybe I secretly
end up setting my
expectations too
high,
because I always
wake up on
my birthday feeling
lonely and disappointed.
I just wish I could
feel special and important
for just one day.

Oh the memories.
They hurt like
some one just jabbed
me in the heart.
I am longing for
last summer,
all those long nights
spent with you,
listening to Alt-J,
looking at the stars.
Ow.
I wish that the memories
could come like a laugh,
easy and good.
But usually I just
feel out of control.
Because I know that
all we will ever be,
is a beautiful memory.

I think I just found
the new title of our movie
-xo

Isn't it funny that I spent
all those months chasing down
every old black BMW
that crossed my path,
hoping to get just a glimpse.
Even though,
I knew where to find you.
But that's because up until
almost a month ago now,
I thought I would never
be able to see you face to face
again.
And maybe at the time,
that was true.
But I'm glad it isn't now.

I had a conversation that
really opened my eyes to something
I didn't realize I was missing.
Maybe I really can't forget you
because you never told me
to move on.
The type of connection
I had with you wasn't one
that could just be left unanswered.
You never said to go ahead,
and give up.
So maybe that's why I still have
this question locked away in a box
that I don't open, because it's
too dusty.

Do you still want to be with me?

I don't know what got
into me.
Maybe it's because I was
thinking life is too short.
So I clicked on your name
in my contacts and hit call,
just to see what would happen.
I was directed to an operators voice
I'd never heard before.
You blocked me.
I guess I understand why..
That's what I deserve for
waiting until now to try and
be brave.

I can't sleep.
I've been laying in bed
in the dark
tugging ferociously
at my hair.
I would be terrified
if I looked in a mirror
right now.
Once everything else
is turned off
and all I can hear is the sound
of my fan,
my mind turns on.
Endless thoughts,
and even the cherry on the
end of my cigarette can't
burn them out.

Maybe I should smoke
another bowl,
and tie my fingers together.

He asked me to buy some
**** edibles from him.
I meant to do it last night,
but I didn't.
But I was going to tonight.
I imagined how it would all
happen.
If he was there I would go to
the ATM,
walk up the steps to the door
and then ask if he was there.
I would probably go inside,
and say hello to everyone
and then tell him I wanted to buy some.
He would sell to me and we would
make small talk,
and everything would be cool.
But I would have done it.
I would have talked to him
face to face for the first time in
a year.
I just wonder how it would feel.
But he wasn't there and that
didn't happen.

I read something somewhere
that said; God takes unnecessary
people out of your life,
so as not to hinder your path.
But I don't think he was the one
that made us the way we are today.
In fact, if anything he gave me so
many chances.
I made mistakes, and so did he.
But God was definitely not involved.

He wouldn't have been able
to keep up with us.

Today I took my boyfriend
to apply for jobs,
and while he huddled over
his phone,
tediously filling out his full name
and other important info
about 18 times,
I read.
We were sitting in my car
at the park,
the wind was blowing too cold,
so I didn't get out.
I was glad to see that there
wasn't another person anywhere.
I was happy to be with
Bukowski.

I don't think I will ever
lose that wil e coyote feeling.
Always on the chase for things
that I want,
a spontaneous urge to run away,
or live in destruction.
I blame this on my age,
but sometimes I wonder if
it's just who I am.

There are some things that
I would like to change.
About myself.
To become a happier, healthier me.

Eat healthier. Cut fast food from
my diet.
Stop biting my nails,
stop feeling guilty, and
stop trying to make things okay with people from my past who don't deserve my effort.
I want to start dressing the way I want to without worrying about being judged by someone.
Do something good for someone at least once a day.
Work harder,
study harder,
sleep more.
Spend more time with my family, and my mom.
Find a way to start saving money.
Get Health insurance.
Write something every day on here.

And finally,
get my trichotillomania under control. I want to start keeping a diary, and keeping track of when and what causes me to pull. Learn ways to stop, or substitute the pulling with something else.. like reading, drawing, writing, painting, SOMETHING!

Oh, and to smile, every

  day.

:)