I have a problem
with falling
in love with things
that don't last.
Like this cigar
that kisses my lips.
It's already
half-smoked and
I'm already disappointed.
It's kind of like
my relationships.
Delicious and satisfying
at first,
until I inhaled
too fast and it's
almost gone.

I woke up to my alarm;
I had forgotten what time it was
going to go off.
6:10 am.
Oh yeah,
it was time to get ready for work.
So I did just that,
but in under ten minutes.
I'd like to start this day off
in a good way,
with my coffee that is now cold,
listening to music
and smoking a little ****.
I am hoping that good vibes
on this Saturday morning
will help my mind forget how
early it is.

I changed my major today.
The one I quickly picked
a year ago,
English.
After experiencing my
first year of college,
I discovered that what I
really want to do,
is help people.
So now I am a social work major.
I am never as hopeful
and excited for my future
as I am when I know I'm
going in the right direction.
It will take some time,
and loads of hard work,
but one day I will achieve
all of my dreams.

The other night
as we both lay in bed,
him in his underwear
and socks
reading quietly,
me, in *******
and his t-shirt,
I tried imagining
what it was like,
back when he was just
the cute boy who
worked with me at
Burger King.
And I almost couldn't,
because I've called him
mine for so long.
It made me smile.
Even though it's been
less than a year,
somehow we have already
formed a routine
that creates true happiness.

I was watching
a special on Joan Rivers
on Netflix.
I like to change my own mind
on a person.. And I did.
In one scene she was crying
because she missed a friend
that had been there since the
beginning.
She said,
I miss having someone to say
do you remember to?!
and he was the last link to
my old life, my memories.
Now, it's as though all of that
means nothing.
Personally,
I have only connected to
words like that while reading
Bukowski,
but I wanted to cry with her
because that is exactly how I
feel.
I have no one left to
reminisce with,
who has been through the same
things with me.

And it makes me sad to know that Joan Rivers died without a single friend to reminisce her life.
And it makes me even more sad to know that I will die the exact same way.

Sitting in the car,
in the parking lot of the local
doctor's office.
Where the odds of you seeing someone
you know, are a sure thing.
I saw my ex-boyfriend's parents
while in the lobby with my current
boyfriend.
The nurse finally called his name
and I went out to my car
because I am impatient and I
know it;
so I avoid that situation.
Slow ride is on the radio,
I've got a cigarette between my
fingers and I have time to waste.
I've already been to work,
and I plan on hitting the bowl
once we're out in the country.
I am content.

I'm getting lost in my
thoughts and my eyes
want to close.
My fault.
I smoked a bowl before
work this morning:
I also cut the palm of my hand
with a knife;
and I hadn't even been at work
an hour.
I didn't say anything.
I don't think it needs stitches.
I need to wake up somehow
before I accidentally **** myself.

I just remembered what
it feels like to be in your world
again.
What it's like to
laugh with you again.

Sometimes you
learn the most when
you stop paying attention
and start listening.
My professor said
something in the middle
of her lecture that caught
my attention so much,
I wrote it down.
the cause of all suffering
is desire.
If only I could
stop my heart from
beating, every time
he says my name.

Happy spots are rare to find,
but when you do,
claim them as your own.

Maybe I do it
on purpose.
But it's for a good reason.
I believe the saying that
goes something like,
distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I can't wait to live with him
someday;
But it's nice to have someone miss you.

One of the hardest things
in the world
is sitting across from
some one you once
exchanged I love you
with.
Catching up and
pretending not to
remember what it felt
like to kiss them.
Every time I fall
in love again,
each time leaving
is harder
than it was before.
I never really remember
why these people left
my life,
or why they even entered
in the first place.
But it's always bittersweet,
when you walk away
with your heart
in your throat.
So, smoke a cigarette
and try to convince
yourself that you don't
love them anymore.

And it'll be okay.
For now.

I hate just sitting in
this body.
Wasting all that I could be.
I don't want to try anymore.
I haven't dyed my hair in
months,
I haven't felt joy in weeks.
The harder I try,
the more I fail.
I feel so unwanted
and unappreciated.
Each day gets worse,
before I can even try to
make it better.

I'm just kind of done.

I've been thinking too
much this morning.
I am surprised that I even
still believe in love.
Believe that it really exists
and that I could be happy
with one person for
the rest of my life.
Look at my past relationships.
I have been used,
taken advantage of,
neglected,
and left heart broken at the bottom.
I am beginning to believe
that I'm getting what I deserve.
I used to think I
deserved romance and
constant happiness,
but now I think I'm stuck in
this pattern of bad relationships.
And it scares the **** out of me.
Because I don't want to live
like this for the rest of my time
awake on earth.

It isn't okay to leave me where
you left me.
Act like I didn't care.
To disappear without a word,
leave me in the dark,
and stranded in a town full of people that always leaves me feeling lonely.
That was the last time I will ever get my heart broken by you again.
The last time I let you impact me.
Shake me. Change me.
If you don't want to talk,
then let's never talk again.
I want these to be the last words I ever write about your miserable existence.
You weren't the same anyways.
I didn't change. You did.
It's easy to hate you,
so that's what I'll do.
Because loving you is a waste of a dreamer's time.

I saw him in my dreams
again.
It happens all the time.
But in this one,
he was standing close behind me
and I turned around to
face him,
unaware of how close we were.
I can remember the thought
that went through my head
as I kissed him.
Even though it's wrong
you'll never get another chance.
He kissed me back but then
turned away.
I think he said something
like, I'm over you.

But I said,
I miss you
anyway.

I have always been the earth.

There's soil in my veins.

Okay.
I'll admit it.
I miss my friends
and I miss being
young, and care free.
I miss cruising to
Nicki Minaj
and chilling at the park.
Watching the boys
fight in the back yard.
Smoking *** for hours,
and laughing together.
Those boys and girls
were the closest thing
to a family I ever had.
I miss the late night
parties in Joey's room,
all of us,
either drunk;
******,
or tripping,
but happy.
You can't buy happiness
like that.

I miss sitting in
a room with
my family.

I think about that conversation
we had so long ago now.
When you told me that you
wanted to apologize and that
I was one of the few people you
wanted to make right with.
You told me you wanted to
start a family,
start a life.
So why didn't you ask me to join you?
When things could've happened.
When I would have said yes.
I don't think I've ever had
someone say to me,
I want to start my life with you.
and mean it.
And the funny thing is,
he was so close.
But it was still not close
enough.

It's the moments
when we are
holding hands
in the store,
as I help him
pick stuff out.
When we're dancing
in the car to the radio,
and kissing at every
stop sign.
When we're making love,
and when he gets me high.
That's when I'm happy.
I love this boy who works
with me at Burger King.
In so many ways we are
very different,
and he makes me crazy.
But when he says,
I love you baby
I melt once again
and everything is okay.
We are okay.

If I told him how much
I actually truly miss him he
wouldn't believe me.
I could message him and pour my
heart out all over his arms,
and he wouldn't believe me.
If I told him I miss the smell of
his room,
watching his meticulous, yet ***** hands work.
All of the answers and the knowledge
that he contained in that absolutely
beautiful misunderstood brain.
He wouldn't believe me,
because he believes that I discarded him
like a cigarette **** out of my window.
Hell, he may not believe me,
even if I mailed every poem I've ever
written about him to his address.
It would be a book by now.
He doesn't know how much I miss
the friend that cared for me when nobody else did.

I have never missed anybody for this amount of time.
But he was never just anybody to me,
he became everything.

I was never your valentine,
and you were never mine.
We didn't make it past
October.

I wonder who you think of
on that fourteenth day of
February,
when you see the words,
*I love you.

It felt good to lay down
next to him and know
that I didn't have to
get up.

To fall asleep with him there.

He calms me down and
makes me smile
and tells me I look so cute
when I'm mad.

He doesn't even have to tell me
he loves me,
because he shows me every day.

Sitting in my room in the
dark,
listening to Ween,
and checking my phone
every few seconds,
is familar to me.
I know they say,
you shouldn't go back,
you should move forward,
but then how come it feels
so good to sit
and just let yourself believe
for a second that it's all true again.
It was good wasn't it?
I'm afraid of what might
happen if I ever actually
asked him that question.

You know you're grown up
when a family vacation
sounds like heaven,
because you haven't been
on one since four years ago
when you were a sophomore in
High school and your mom
got remarried.
Somewhere along the way
spending time with your
family doesn't matter anymore,
and everyone becomes obsessed
with bills and work and
relationships.
And somewhere along the
way everyone has their own
problems,
and no time to help with
anyone else's problems.
Somewhere along the way
you're family became people too,
and suddenly youre not so
alone anymore.

Every time I hear
Tom Petty's song about
Mary-Jane,
a memory shoves it's way
through the lyrics.
I flash back to last summer at
the height of the good times.
I'm in my best friend's car
in the passenger seat,
turned around watching
her friend play last dance on his
guitar and listening
to him sing.
And I must've been really
happy that day because
it's one of my most vivid memories.
We pulled into some race
track that I didn't even know
existed,
and I got out and sat on
the hood.
You're going to think
I'm an idiot,
but I swear this is how it
played out.
He rode up on his
dirt bike and stopped right in
front of me..
took off his helmet,
grabbed the cigarette
from my fingers,
and smiled at me.
He never looked better, and
I could still hear that song
in my head.
We all ended up back at his house
sitting in a circle,
smoking **** and getting
his dog high.

Because of that one memory,
I had a new favorite song.
Although now,
it just makes me sad,
and I wish I never tied
Iowa to those lyrics.

I think I'm finally
ready to move on.
It was so easy to be
wanderlust when I didn't
know where you are.
But I do now.
It would never be the same again,
even if we both wanted it to be.
Our lives have moved in
two opposite directions,
and I can see clearer now
that we will never be an us.
It's sad but true.
I'm letting go of you.

I got a little too high
before work today.
So I'm sitting here,
in my car in the parking lot
trying to sober up my
eye ***** as quickly as I can.
But I'm excited to get back to
work, that weekend was too
looooonnggg.
And there's something comforting
about routine.
Besides my outfit
I look terrible today.
I shoulda washed my hair,
and I shouldn't have gotten
high.
But,

It's a Monday.

I rang in the new year
with you all over
my dreams.
I guess,
the boy that I spent
a year wishing I could
forget,
is coming with me
in this one.

I saw my breath in the air
for the first time this year.
How appropriate that as
the season changes so
does my life.
He is talking to me again.
But I can tell there's a lot he's
not saying.
There's a lot I'm not saying.
I knew this day would come.
We have a relationship
like magnets.
It doesn't matter how far
apart you put them,
a force you can't control
will always bring them
back together.

I still have the need
to text you at 2:53
in the morning
just to see if you'll answer.
I still miss the way you
always had the smell
of alcohol on your breath.
That incredibly sweet,
real, sad smile that you
only let me see a few times.
I still miss the way it
felt when you're arms
were around me,
and your breath was on
my neck.
The sound of a motorcycle
makes my heart stop,
and the taste of beer
and cigars make me
miss your lips.

All 5 of my senses
miss him..

I was listening to the radio
this morning and someone repeated
a quote
they'd heard,
You can't make old friends.
So, call someone you love
they said.
Even for five minutes.
Funny, that I've tried to do this
very thing with him before.
Just calling to say I'm sorry.
But it's too late.
That's probably what he'd
say anyways.
Although, is it ever really too late
to make things right?

At this point,
I am just waiting for the
night that can go by
without him even taking up
one second of my dreams.
I know I'm romanticizing
what we had,
but it's hard to forget
when I can't stop mentally
interacting with him.
And it's really
messing me up.

If that wasn't meant for me,
than he had the same experience with
someone else.

I should just delete my Facebook

I always knew that 4/20
was a special day.
I woke up two minutes after
he said,
I miss you too.
I have nothing to smoke on
today,
but those words take me higher
than any **** I've ever tried.
Or maybe it's because my
20th birthday is a week from today.
Like an early present I've
been waiting for.

I have spent so much time
dreaming
about the day I saw you again.
What I would say,
what I would look like,
what you'd look like.
And it was nothing like the
romantic gestures my mind
created.
But my heart did stop
for a second,
and then start beating
uncontrollably.
I lost all words and just
stood there looking at you,
speechless.
Oh my god,
so handsome..
even more than I remember.
And then you were looking at
me,
but I couldn't tell if you
liked what you saw.
This girl that you've talked to
for years..
is she everything you thought?
Does it matter?
It does to me,
because I felt my face
catch on fire,
and my hands started sweating.

I mean, I was a mess.
And I still am.

You were so
Frankenstein
for me
in the way
that it felt
like I was slowly
piecing together
parts of myself
that I never would've
found if it hadn't
been for you.
Because being
with you wasn't
human.
It was a diabolical plan
for heartbreak
that had been set into
motion on the day
that each of us had been
born.

Isn't it nice how at the time
when heart break takes place,
we can just sit there playing
Edward 40 hands,
while attempting to give
the world the *******,
because **** it,
we don't need love,
we don't need that person.

But oh, just wait.
In about a month you will
be writhing on the floor in
agony,
crying over the last bottle
of wine,
because alcohol doesn't even
numb the pain anymore.
That strong, independent
single woman walked out
of the room awhile ago and now
all that's left is this shell
of a person who can't find a reason
not to call and beg for them back.

And in case you haven't been
to both sides of the table,
there is no winner.
Whether it was your choice
or not, you'll still end up
on the floor, in some random room
in your house,
where nobody ever sits.

But enjoy the "freedom"
while it lasts,
because you'll never be free
from who you are.

Sometimes I can't tell if
I like the way my life is
going or,
if I hate it.
And no matter how much
the hopeless romantic
inside me wants to
see what could be,
I can't get over how it feels
to lay next to him.
And I'm not exactly ready to
let go of the boy who
looks so cute with his hood
up,
and when he is laying there
asleep.
Lately I have began thinking
that comfortable isn't what
I wanted,
but he's not just a boyfriend,
he's my friend,
and I don't have enough of
those here lately.