So we sat there
Pipe in hands
Singing our favorite songs
Listening to our favorite bands
And those few minutes
Sitting close on those rocks
Made quite the difference
To the order of my thoughts

11:45
Sitting on the beach staring up at my
"High School" friends,
Isn't that weird, having to put the word
High School before so you know I'm not talking about
All the other people I've met since college

It may not seem like it matters but it does
Because these are the people I grew up with and now
Everything feels so different

11:50
They're lighting another joint, I watch their eyes
Go from open and alert to smiling and red
I don't join them and they look at me like I've changed
Into an entirely different person
But it's not just that which makes me feel
So out of place

11:55
A white lie of feeling sick puts me back in my car
To send me back to the "comfort" of my home
But the only sickness I'm feeling is the
Depression deep in my stomach

11:59
I pull up to a red light and stare
Absent minded at the car in front of me

12:00
Happy Birthday to me. Green light.
I turn left and seriously contemplate
Driving my car head first into the stone wall ahead of me

12:03
Another red light
I tell myself I can't think like that
But am so surprised that college didn't make me
More normal. I expected it to change me
In so many more ways than it has

12:10
Pull into the drive way and
Carry myself up the same stairs I've been
Climbing since I was born
I don't think anyone should live in the same house
For nineteen years
There are memories hiding in the walls and
Secrets behind every closed door that can't escape me

Present Time
I'm in bed writing this meaningless poem
Thinking about him, and it's giving me this
Weird feeling in my fingertips

My computer has had this virus for the past two months
That I keep ignoring, too lazy to fix, too busy to find out
What exactly is wrong
I think my computer and I have a lot in common

So Happy Birthday to me
Nineteen seems like such a hollow age to be

I'm trying to forget but
Every creak of a
Door
Is the sound
of your apartment's
Stairs and
When I step into the
February night
The only coldness I
Feel comes from the
Chills
Going down my
Spine as your hand
Rests on my
Neck
Gently tapping at my
Collar bone

I've never felt so
Poisoned, My senses
Never so robbed

I look to God,
Because it's all I can do.

Today before I left for school
I went through the old photo albums in my house
I took out two pictures
My mom and dad at their wedding
And my dad dancing with me when I was still a little girl
On my walk to school I started crying
So I took out the pictures
My mom looked beautiful in her dress
More importantly she looked happy.
My dad stared at her in a way I've never seen before
He was happy too
He looked proud to have me
I could tell
And for a few seconds I felt better
But then I thought of them now
I thought about how my dad is always gone
And how my mom doesn't talk much anymore
And the sadness rushed back.
It still hasn't left

You can say you fell in the bathroom
Or you ran into the door
But the thing is
Your excuses are so transparent
No one is mad at you for lying
And no one blames you for the way things turned out
Yet you refuse to let anyone in
Not even your closest friends
Who want nothing more but to help
Sometimes I don't think you're hiding from them
I think you're hiding from yourself
Because the second reality hits you
It can only get worse
You convince yourself that life is okay
And that it's not a big deal
But that's just another lie you're telling yourself
To get by one more day

Scraped knees and burnt lungs
Hair pulling and touching tongues
Study hard, fail a class
Makeup on, the perfect mask
Scales and ***, you have no power
One night stand, take a shower
Class at eight, get up at nine
Lie to your parents, "I'm doing fine"
Black lace bra, **** dress
Frat house party, look your best
Pills and smokes, just one more
Boy comes over, shut the door
Greedy hands and spoken words
Words he says he never heard
Sink running, your eyes are too
Look in the mirror, someone new
Black circles, white washed skin
"How the hell did I get so thin"
Another pill, another chapter
The college life everyone's after

Little girl so loved by her number one fan
A proud father, he does what he can

A women who has a world of support
Her dad to talk to, a man in her court

Too many drinks deep, he should have learned
His wrath untamed, her world has turned

Hurtful words are just a game
But coming from him, her body shakes

Slurred speech, bloodshot eyes
Dissapointed girl, a man of lies

Once so wise and once so kind
Has nothing left to hide behind

She knows he's wrong, shouldn't drink 'till sleep
But this is her secret, an embarrassment she'll keep  

A role model ruined by self destructive paths
A girl too scared to take off his mask

So she lives to believe he is the one
To look up to so blindly, staring straight into the sun

She convinces herself its okay
Until the point he drives his little girl away

So he left,
Which is okay

Music is playing,
The Velvet Underground

I'm alone,
But not lonely

I look at you like
You put the stars in the sky

When you drink its as if
You tear them all down and
Right before my eyes

You change

Some people have
Only heard of the ocean

I stood there imagining being
Brought under, the feeling of
Panic for those few short
Moments as you are tossed around
With no way to tell which way is
Up, wishing to be brought back
To the safer depths of the ocean, but
You are spit back up
To the beach, as both the sand and the
Wave that just carried your
Panicked body slowly recede back
To the ocean where you are no longer wanted

Some people have
Only heard of love

But I don't think it is much different

How do you forgive someone
For taking three years of
Trust, and
Throwing it back in your
Face

Regret

How can you stay mad
At someone who once was your
Whole world, it was just one
Mistake

Right?

I wonder
Where my life would be
If you never touched my
Neck, or
If I never had to
Hear the creak
Of your apartment
Door as I watched you close it
Gently, just quiet
Enough to leave me Silent
Six years later

I wonder
Where my life would be

Have you ever felt
So afraid to leave home
Not because of the temporary comfort
But the pain of knowing
He could end his life at the
Drop of a
Pin
Being an adult is terrifying

Someone please let me out

The biggest mistake
Was living a life to prove
Happiness for someone else

How I wish I could turn back
The time

My mother tells me I have no
Compassion because of all the
Nice Boys
I have broken, the ones who really cared

My father asks if I will ever find a
Man, one good enough to
Keep around, as if it is my
Standards that are impossible

But there are so many memories I'm afraid to tell
And so much weighing on the truth
I've been hiding

Last summer I felt real pain in my heart
For the first time in my short life
Because she made me feel
Normal,
And then she left

I've spent a long time hiding in shame, but
Something has got to
Give because
It is only a matter of time until
I finally break