To some siblings are a gift from God
To some siblings are a curse from hell
But to me....
siblings are...
A shoulder to cry on when I overflow
An ear to listen when I need to clear mii head
A body to talk to when I'm not in the mood
Mii help me when I can't do it alone
Mii life preserver when I swim out to far
Mii buddy when I wanna play
Mii closest friend whom no one can replace
Mii guardian who has mii back when I'm too busy covering the front
Mii treasure box in which I confide all of mii precious secrets
Mii compass for when I've lost mii way
Mii salt for when mii food is tasteless
Mii hope when I'm backed up against the wall
Mii night light when I'm afraid to sleep
Mii....
I have no more words to describe mii siblings for no one can truly use words to say just what...
Mii siblings are to me...

I act like I do
because I act like you
i feel unloved
but you blame it all on me
instead of hugging me
telling me its okay

I was hurt many times
and scarred as well
but when i tried to tell you
you scarred me even more
and said that it was all my fault
for doing what i do

but the way i feel
it's all bcause of you
i feel unloved at home so i'll get it anywhere
thats offering it

they can't make me feel
any worser than i already do
so forget life
ive had my fun
i aint worth crap anyway

Creamy...
Smooth...
Sweet...
Melt in my mouth delicious
How I love your savory flavor
The way you sit on my tongue
Caressing my mouth
With love and care
.....
The carefully engraved tattoo
Sitting directly in your middle
Lets me know that its only you
That its the real you
And not some imposter
Always trying to be you
But never succeeding
....
Your fun-size ways
Never seems to fulfill
They can't seem to fill
Your king-sized shoes
But even your king-sized shoes
Look small compared to your
Giant perfections
.....
I like others
But no one else
Can come between me and you
The love we share is
Sweeter than honey
Better than money
Greater than him
Greater than her
This love just simply can't be compared
This love is so complex
I wouldn't wanna be without you
Ever... You are the best
My baby
My lover
My honey
My shooting star
My honey
My lover
My baby
My Hershey bar

Self-esteem to me
was always important
I was told to keep myself up
and believe in myself
to do the impossible
that's how I always climbed
that ladder to success
knowing in my heart
that I was the best
but on step 50
my life took a loop
as I stepped to the forbidden side
known as the ladder of doom
to me you were awesome
**** and then some
but I soon realized
that hanging with you
was slowly taking me
down to step one
I began to hold my head down
and started to carry myself
in a way that even you couldn't love
but I realized that life
it aint no crystal stair
and that's when I once again started to believe
so I picked my head up and tried again
starting with the one strand of hair
so on I climbed
knowing that I was great
and once again
I believed in myself
and now I'm at the top
of my ladder of self-esteem

I’m starting to believe that this nomadic lifestyle
Ain’t at all for the faint of heart
Thousands of places in so little time
Exhausted but I can’t stop yet as no one place holds extreme value to me
Footprints in the sand tell a story of where I’ve been
Darkness engulfs me and makes it harder to decide where to begin
Perhaps I should just ‘eeny meeny miny mo’ it
Since stopping isn’t nearly as important
Thoughts clutter my walkway like precious gems covered by a recent sandstorm
Disgruntled, I glance out over my shoulder
Listening for the whisper of the wind to call out to me
But wait… I’m getting a head of myself
That’s dangerous when you’re a nomad
Whatever is waiting around the next bend
A mystery waiting to be unveiled
Like a grieving widow, mourning her sanity
I run
Disjointed from reality
I feel no pain
Opinions stabbing me like shards of glass
Dripping with the blood of identity
I’m a fraud… and yet, on I run
The tears I’ve cried flow through this deserted land like the Nile
It’s ingenious
They nurture my steps
A suckling waiting to be fed
I travel the worn path
night and day day and night
Stopping only to mark my place
I’ve been here before
And I never even left the comfort of my bed
This journey of a thousand steps
Inside my ever restless mind

Salvation means different things to many people
Reared by a single mother
Abandoned by a deadbeat absentee dad
I am confused and angry
Now am I supposed to feel them
I have no mentors
Or anyone in my life
That cares enough to teach me
How to be a woman
My life didn't come equipped
With an automatic pilot
For a successful life

What I had growing up was
Religion
Not beliefs but principles
1Kings
2Kings
James
Ecclesiastics
From Genesis to Revelation
To the 1 and 2 Chronicles
Corinthians, Peter, John
From sunrise service
To afternoon fellowship
To young to realize
That mother's salvation
Isn't mine

Sitting in church
8 hours each Sunday
Praising the Lord
At the top of my lungs
To the top of my voice
Being baptized at the age of 5
Well before I even understood why
Didn't make me a saint
No amount of bible study
Ushering or participation in church
Could save me
Or the congregation
From sin and all evil

The chasing of the wind
Repentance
What was the point in asking
Seeking and praying
For forgiveness
Yet not changing ones ways
Or taking on bad habits
That were sinful
There was no point
Everything is meaningless

Mirror mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all

And the mirror replied
my dear my dear
why do you ask
for I've told you the truth
and yet you make this a task

Mirror mirror please tell me
why am I not as sweet
as the honey from the honeybee

And the mirror replied
why ask such complex things
when the answer I give
pain is all it brings

Mirror mirror
as genuine as can be
what exactly do you see
when you look at me

seeing the girl near tears
The mirror replied
why not turn around
and see with your own eyes

as the girl did so
a light so blinding
knocked her to her knees
with a big strong booming voice replying
what do you see

why my Lord
the girl replied
what do I see
I see such beauty, grace,
love beyond compare
why I see so much
its hard not to stare

Exactly my child
your heart is what you see
for your heart
is pure, like mine

but my mirror over here
tells me I'm worthy or beautiful
cant you see
I'm nothing like you
I'm just me

then she covered her ears
at the sound of a dreadful crash
then the voice returned and said
never mind what the mirror once said
for it only brought you dread

but I'm here to bring
great joy to every girl and boy
no one is perfect
as you can see
but you can be happy
if you just accept me

Aaah!!! No don't do that please.
Thunk!! Shut up you dumb *****
Aaahh!! Please don't do this
I said shut up before I slit your throat
That's it baby just relax and enjoy yourself okay...
Now get up and get dressed ya'hear
I said get dressed *****
No Awwh **** maine no
Awwh **** what have I done
**** maine ****

Sitting silently I unwillingly witness
the death of this woman
This beautiful innocent sweet woman
Sitting silently I witness
The death of this woman
This poor helpless creature
Being violently ripped to shreds
Ripped to shreds by the hands of the hands of this monster
Never even being giving the opportunity to live life to the fullest
Unbearable scars and permanent bruises
Will forever tattoo her once flawless skin
Skin the color of the earth's  blood red deserts after the gorgeous sunset
Tinted with blood and the slightest hint
Of him
Head hanging limply to the side
Clothes no longer clothes but rags
Discarded on the floor by their lifeless owner
Her body battered and bruised limply lays
Exposed to the world and all of their unsightly thoughts
Her neck is only but a piece of matted skin for the bones are as fragile as china in an earthquake
Breast at their finest peak
Almost ad if they're going to explode
Explode like an active volcanoe
Het treasure is almost disfigures
Its as if it was only a toy
A toy giving to a reckless little kid
Blood here sagging pieces there
blisters oozing with the deafening odor of him
Puddles of *** on the sheets and in between her legs
Het hair matted to the sheets, dried tears and blood stains her face
Body pale and limp
It looks so familiar and yet so strange
I know this woman bit I've never seen her before a day in my life
Wait the picture
Its getting blurry and fuzzy
Gasp....thump-thump thump-thump
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Please don't do this
No please don't, please
    DEJÀ VU

I see you
walking down the hall
Columbia blue shirt
khaki pants
my heart pitter-pats
as you walk by
you look my way
and I swoon
you smile
and I smile back
my insides jumping around
like magical jumping beans
I walk away
your eyes on my back
I smile to myself
sighing softly
sparks flying
I finally exist

I walk down the hall
you step out of the shadows
its just you and me
sparks flying
heart beating
excitement overload
I stop just before bumping you
you smile and say hey
I smile and say hi
you say you've noticed me
and that you like what you see
then give me a paper and a pen
can I call you sometimes
to ecstatic for speech
I nod my head
write it down
and hand it back
you walk away
leaving me with
a permanent smile
I think I'm in love

you text me
I respond overjoyed
we converse for a while
you don't text back
what did I do
message after message
no response
message
no response
message
tears
response
my bad I went to sleep
relief overload

you see me in the hall
you smile and I smile back
you walk off
I walk off
10 pounds lighter and in love
I think about you all day
check my phone minute upon minute
second upon second
I'm hooked

days later
after school
we met up
you hug my waist
stare in my eyes
you're so beautiful
I can't breathe
you kiss me
I kiss back
we're in love
you pull away
tugging me with you
I follow readily
we head to your car
lets go for a ride
we get in
you pull off
sigh, so in love

we pull up to a house
you get out
I get out
would you like the tour
sure why not
we go inside
you close the door
you kiss me
I kiss back
you raise my shirt
I object
you say its okay
all girlfriend and boyfriend do it
girlfriend and boyfriend??
you try again
again I object
I love you baby. please, I wont hurt you
all morals fly out the door
you take off my shirt
I take off your shirt
next, my bra
my shoes, pants, underwear
you scrip down
to your birthday suit
your suit, my suit
together in our birthday suits
we ******
we kiss
we ****
I bleed
we ****
we rest
we go again
we rest
we clean up
we leave

days after
message
no response
message
no response
in the halls
I spot you and smile
you look, laugh, and kiss miss lady
square on the lips
I walk on
tears in my eyes
people stare
tears on my cheeks
people laugh
I run
people point
I run faster
What have I done?

Some may say I'm a nerd
Some may say I'm a geek
Some may say I'm ugly
Some may say I'm a freak
But no matter what they say
and it never fails
They never say I'm me

Some may say I'm loud
Some may say I'm shy
Some may say I'm ghetto
And to be honest
I won't deny

They only call it
like they see it
I am shy, loud, ghetto
a geek, a freak, a nerd
ugly and anything else
that is said

But only because
I constantly live
in the shadows of everyone else
I live my life trying to be
you, you, you, and you
never before trying to be me

I live my life
trying to please everyone
and honestly
It's taking all of my energy

Before I knew you
my life was empty and incomplete
there was a hole, a void that seemed to forever go on

the day we met
I felt down and out
nowhere to go
no one to love me
I often cried myself to sleep thinking
I'll never be good enough, pretty enough
smart enough,
those things will never describe me in anyway
but out of nowhere
you lifted my head and said
none of those things were ever good enough to describe me
and good enough they never will be
the day we got together
you made me feel special, wanted, pretty and loved
however, there was still something missing
Then you left me
and I felt as if my whole world died that day
I went back to moping and doubting myself
until I lifted my head
and saw what you saw all along
you could fly the entire time
you just needed the support
although you may feel useless and down
always remember
I believed in you
even when you thought
that you couldn't fly
your wings were always there
you just needed help
finding the wind

Thump- thump thump- thump
Thump- thump thump- thump
Heart beating so hard
I check to see if it is leaving a print
Sweat pouring down mii face
Hands shaking with fear
I pray to myself hoping that somehow
This all works out in mii favor
......
I pick up the gun
And wait for my turn
The room is so quiet
I can hear his eyelashes hit his face
The face that's covered with a slightly confident smirk
The face that's smiling at my fear
The fear that's evident throughout my entire frame
......
He holds his gun up
Aiming directly at my chest
Fear has engulfed me as I sit ****** with fear
...click
.......
Nothing...
There was no bullet
I'm still here
Now it's my turn
I take a deep breath
Hoping that neither one of us had to die but knowing that one of us will be leaving this world tonight
...click
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
He's still here
He survived
....
Our chances are slimmer now
Only five chambers left
One of them holds our fate
One of them...
....
It's his turn again
Snickering with a glare in his eye
he aims the gun at my head
Is this the end of me
Am I about to die
No time to think
...click
.....
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Once again I dodged the grasp
The grasp of deaths cold hands
Once again I survived
Once again....
......
The chances now are slimmer than before
Only four chambers left
One holds the bullet
One holds our fate
One holds....
.......
Mii turn has come once again
Once again I have the power
Once again I can take his life
....
I aim
Slowly I curl my finger around the trigger
I pull, and...
......
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
He's still here
He survived once again
Once again my life is in his hands
....
He aims at my head
My life flashes before my eyes
Flashes at the speed of light
I see my childhood
My teenage years
My...
...click
......
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Chance of survival
I'm still here
....
Three down and three to go
I wait anxiously
Its my turn again
I pick up the gun
And I aim it at his chest
I pull the trigger and...
....
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Nothing
No smiles, no sweat,
Only anxiety  and fear
....
He picks his gun up
With two chambers left
I see the smirk on his face
I know that this just may be my end
......
He aims
He curls his finger around the trigger
He blows me a kiss
And pulls....
.....
Aaaahhh!!!
The pain searing through my body
Like fire, burning my insides
Its as if I've been tranquilized
The image before my eyes
Fades slowly and I know
I've been hit
......
I grab the bleeding patch
The blood seeping threw my shirt
I hold on as firmly as I can
Slowly I lose my balance
The gun clanking
Falling to the ground..
......
I see you walking away and I can't let you go
I reach out to the gun
Grab it
Call his name
And pull the trigger
Now on my last breath...
......
Seeing him fall
Head thudding against the floor
I sigh and fall back with my last thought being
What a bad game of Russian Roulette

Tuesday night
Wednesday night
Thursday, Friday, Saturday night
Wet pillow case
After pillow case
Tears streaming down my face
Like the river
Always flowing uncontrollably
Never wanting to show emotion
Always being the strong one
Always there to lend an ear
Always there to lend a shoulder
Always there to give a hu
Always there to provide a laugh
Always there for you
Whenever...
Wherever...
Doesn't matter to me
I'll be there
......
Sweep the floor
Wash the clothes
Wash the dishes
Clean your room
Fix your bed
Get the mail
Cook dinner
Play nice
Always do your best
Try harder
Succeed
Make me proud
Give me something to look back on and be proud
Do better than the others
Don't let me down
.......
Come prepared
Do your bellringer
Complete pages 1- 5
Read chapters 2 and 3
Complete this for homework
Study for your test
This project is worth...
This project is due...
This project is due...
This project is worth...
Follow this rubric...
Presentation guidelines are....
......
Tuck your shirt in
Where's your I.D...?
Wrong color jacket
Take off the shoes
Wrong shirt
Walk on the right
Major referral
I need to see...
Report to my office
Three day suspension
......
For you to go back and tell
We can't be cool anymore
You fake and I don't do fake
Yeahh girl haha
I can't stand that girl
That's why you my girl
Ion mess with her kind
She nerve-racking
......
Aye girl, what that is on yo arm
Boys like smooth skin
With them scales on your arms
Nice shoes... Stop laughing at that girl
I like yo hair... Hahaha
Don't bump into me girl
What's yo problem?
what that is in her head
That girl stank bruhh
There you go dee
Don't play wit me bruhh
.....
You a mistake
Why you in my face
I hate you
Get a life
You make me sick
Go crawl in a hole
Why you here
What you want
Go choke on yo blood and die
I wish you would just fall off the face of the earth
Go to hell
F* you bruhh
.....
Family
Friends
School
Home
Siblings
Emotional
Physical
Mentally...

I can only take so much
The weight of the world
Tons upon tons
Upon my tiny shoulders
Knees buckling
Underneath it all
I can hold on a little while longer
But what's the point
Is there even a point
Why bother
.......
Boxing ring
In the blue...
The heavyweight champion, LIFE
In the red,
Me
Boom, boom, bam, bam
One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six...
Nine... Ten
                TOTAL KNOCKOUT!!!

miles upon miles
years after years
lifeloads of drama
tears and more tears

heartbreak
confusion
depression
delusion

I've been there
I've done that
I've looked back
I'm from that

walking forward
falling back
slipping up
falling off track

long nights
wet pillowcases
drooping eyelids
frowning faces

fear
pain
scrapes
stains

I've been there
I've done that
I've looked back
I'm from that

aching backs
swollen feet
table for eight
food for six

crowded sidewalks
noisy streets
swaying rocking chairs
random treats

guns fired
people dying
babies crying
time to hide

gun shots
gun wounds
gun victims
no new news

I've been there
I've done that
I've looked back
I'm from that

I do not recall the day
When my hand stumbled upon his
Like a lost puzzle piece
Among countless others
I don't remember that sincere sensation
That filled my soul
As I looked into those cool brown eyes
That looked back at me with such passion
The infinite hours discussing our dreams our hopes
Till the morning hour light shines through the draperies
The dearest words of affection
Whispered sweetly
That made my cheeks scarlet with delight
I dont recall just exactly what went wrong
We were...picture perfect
I dont remember ever thinking that it was my fault
I don't remember that pointed dagger
Spearing my heart
To let it shatter against the floor into a million fragments of love
Scattered upon the ground like the fallen leaves
And like a wounded soldier
I fell
And cried soft tears of anguish
I dont remember ever finding another
All I remember now
Is just a shadow
This shadow of true love

Pieces,pieces everywhere
blood, lies, decet, despair
trust,love,care
shattered like a dream
loyalty,devotion,self-esteem
what does it all mean
cops everywhere at the crime scene
somebody plaese wake me from this horrid dream
why is this happening
to me to say the least
everything is broken now
when it was only just a piece
a piece of what might have been
had that elmer's glue stayed strong
but it didn't so I guess you were wrong
it took guts to destroy such an item
but once its done it cant be restored
I mean hey, I was becoming a little bored
so thanks for my way out
wish it could've been done differently
but when you broke my heart
you broke that barrier and now I'm free

Let me out of this cage
That man calls low self esteem
I will not travel down the road of
Down trodden dreams
I will lift my head up high
High up to the sky
Where only God presides
And there will I survive
I will praise the one who made me
And love the ones who hate me
I will not settle for less when I am truly greater than the best
I had this thing called life and then I dropped it
I had this this called love and let it slip through mii fingers
Burst into a stream of tears
The tears that wash my hurt down stream
And opened my cage of
Low self-esteem

5 ft. 8, 100 lbs
caramel skin, hazel eyes
size 6, back length hair
size b breast, size 5 feet
pearly white teeth
100% perfect 0% human

wait can that be right
is that really what I see
yes that's what I see
but it's not me, wouldn't you agree
No? well its true
because this is what I should see
and you should too

5 ft. 6, 190 lbs
walnut colored skin, dark brown eyes
size 9, shoulder length hair
size d breast, size 7 feet
nearly white teeth
100% human, 0% perfect

Now that's about right
that's what I should see
and you to, but you don't
and that's simply because
its not what you want to see

you want me to be
something that I'm not
but  I can't do that
you want me to be her
and her and her
you don't want me to be me

but I'm sorry because
me is all I can be
but I know why that's
not what you see

that's not what you see
because you've never looked
and you've never looked
because you know
that it won't be your reflection looking back
but it'll be me because I'm a mini you
you're my reflection
and my reflection is you

Please go away now
Please leave me alone!
I dont need you
I can make it on my own
So get out of my head
Dont haunt me...please
I won't go where I'm not wanted
I won't stay where I dont belong
I won't sing
When my song isn't wanted
I won't speak if I don't have to
I won't speak if I'd rather stand
Why walk when I could run
What part don't you understand
Please go away now
I'm walking out the door
I'm going to take my freedom
What else can I want more?

Drip,Drip,Drip
watch as the tears flow
the wetness of my pillow
even though youll never know
the nights I've cried myself to sleep
wanting you to talk
but you never said a peep

Sniff.sniff,sniff
as I try to stifle my brain
why not die
nobody cares
especially you
i mean, look at me
i'ma mess but talking to you
is like talking to my shoe
i mean what do you do

nothing
you never tried to comfort me
never tried to help
the way I see it
you're as useless as that doll on my shelf

so I wonder
why are you here
is it to see me suffer
see me whine and complain
because yon know that no matter
the time or place
I'll still be the same

No mater how much i cry
or want to die
I'll stay proud and strong
because one day you"ll realize
you were wrong

Why am I searching for love
When its apparent
That love has never started searching for me
Why am I searching for love
Is it because I want it
Or is it because that's what I think I want
Why am I searching for love
When as I look around
I see all of mii close family and friends
Being hurt by this this...thing called love
Love is supposed to be gentle
Love is supposed to be kind
Love is supposed to be sweet
But love is really just like...
A new video game
You see everybody else with it
So you want it to
You have to have it because its the latest trend
So you go out and you search all the stores
Finally when you're about to give up
You stumble upon the last store open that day
You go in and low and behold
They have exactly what you're looking for
So you buy it
You do a little more looking
And when you see nothing else that pleases the eye
You take your new game home
Once you get it home
You're so anxious to open it
You can barely contain yourself
You hook it up and plug in the t.v.
You've never had anything like this
So you're rather inexperienced
You cut it on and its like magic
Fills the entire room
The home screen appears with the words
"press start" blinking across the screen
You press start
Nothing happens
You press it again
Still nothing happens
You press every button on the controller and finally the screen goes black
Whew, finally you're in
But still nothing happens
The screen is frozen and you don't know why
You hit the t.v thinking that your problems lies there
Of course its the t.v.
The t.v. is old and rugged
But the game is new so I know that's not the case
You hit the t.v.
Shake the t.v.
Unplug and plug the t.v. back in
Still nothing happens
So you wait...
Still nothing happens
You're beginning to get upset
Why is this happening when this game is brand new??
I know this is mii first time but it shouldn't be to difficult.
It never appears this difficult for the others ...
Maybe I should read the directions
.......
There are no directions...
For no one knows the true outcome of this game we all call love.
Its the type of game where you just bluskidoo and jump in
You know where you're going but not what's going to happen
You predict you're situation by looking at others situation
But it doesn't work like that
For love...
Is not a game...

Standing here with mii paintbrush
With a blank easel staring me in the face
What to paint, what to paint
......
All of these thoughts running through mii head
The creative energy is flowing through me so strong its practically pouring through mii pores like the sweat of a hard worker in the hot beaming sun....
But none of it seems to make it to mii brain
I'm standing here not knowing what to do
Should I put this here, maybe if I put this there
.....
Ugh its so confusing
Why is this happening to me
I kno what I want to draw
But I can't
I dont know how
Maybe its the brush
Or is it the lack of experience
I slide to the floor
With tears sliding down mii face almost just as fast
Suddenly I begin to shake and I am lifted off of the floor
Scared but afraid to show it I stand still
The tears have eased up a little but just like the stream they forever flow
Suddenly black rings appear under mii eye for just like the panda my tears leave marks that even the biggest eraser can't rid of....
......
The paint brush begins to run across mii body
making me the easel
Everything from pain to punishment is being etched on mii body
Vicious thoughts, painful memories, my brutal past, my boring present, and even my discouraging future are all being sketched on mii limp body
I can't move, I can't stop it
Its as if......
I'm the easel of the world who has now become my creator

Hahaha look at her rolls hanging over the top of her pants
I know she looks disgusting.
Sitting in the silence...just looking at myself I try to figure out
Am i ugly? How am I ugly? Why am I ugly? Am I dumb? How am I dumb? How do I look disgusting? What makes me look disgusting? Am I disgusting?
I try so hard to answer these questions but the only reason that I can come up with is because you said so... Not because I'm genetically formed with such deformities. Not because I suffered a horrendous accident. Not even because that's how I feel.
The violent words tear at my skin like nails ridding of a great itch
Your opinions eat at my emotions like a hungry shark feeding on fresh prey
Are they opinions or are they facts. Are they meant to hurt me or to help me.
Its all so vague...unclear if you will nothing makes sense
In other words I'm imperfect
I'm imperfect in your eyes as well as others
And you may be right
But if I may I'd like to voice my opinion
I've nearly racked my brain
Trying to come up with answers to all of my many questions
And the only answer that I seem to come to come up with
Is that I'm like this because this this is how you see me
You see me as a disgusting fat slob...
But why is the million dollar question
Why do you see me like that
Is it because its true
Or is it because that's how you see yourself...
Is it because you see yourself as a pig but because you wanna fit in you blame it on the next vulnerable victim
You try and lower my self-esteem to raise yours
Only thinking of yourself
Never once thinking that I am a reflection of you
That just because I'm ugly on the outside means I'm ugly on the inside
But honestly I'm not
I'm actually beautiful inside
Come on take a look
It'll only take a second

I stared out the window
at the grey shroud
lapping against the glass
I didn't know what time it was
or how long I had been on the couch
I'd been held captive by the sharpness of tongues
that slit my veins with loathing and tainted blood
blood tainted with hatred... my blood
you're a worthless pathetic *****
I drank away from the disdain that haunted my soul
but I couldn't escape
escape the relentless barrage of maliciousness
no matter how hard I tried to shut them out
their voices were all I could hear now
the scars may have healed and the bruises faded
but the claws of hate and rejection dug deep within my flesh
and never let go
every spiteful sentiment struck
with more force than the most violent of blows
each degrading remark and estimation of worthless
broke me in half
you aren't important
there'd been a time
when I almost convinced myself
that my accomplishments and determination
would silence their malice
but I'd given up
I couldn't say the exact moment that it happened
perhaps it was the second that...
or maybe it was before then
but now, in my isolation, the whispers found me
you don't care about anyone other than yourself
I stared out into the distance
beckoned by the roaring of the waves
the only sound loud enough to mask
what were now sickening screams
I walked on
through the clouds that swept against my skin
you took him from me
I stood at the waters edge
enraptured by the fury rushing to shore
the rolling wave cresting before crashing in on itself
in a maddening tumble
sweeping under my feet
pulling me into the shifting sand
the rippling surface seduced with its curling fingers
tempting me
you should never have been born
I took a step
and began walking toward the grey horizon
that seamlessly melded with the dark water
my chin quivered as the tears washed over my face
turbulent waves pushed me back toward the shore
going farther and father out to sea
letting the water overtake me
all I had to do was breathe
and I would be gone...

Someone help me
I've fallen and I can't get up
I'm stuck and in pain
what's happening
everything's spinning
and getting darker
Noo!!!
As darkness engulfs me
I notice a strange thumping noise
thump-thump, thump-thump
thump-thump
Where am I?

as the sun sets
my dream awakens
my dream of being someone
my dream of being something
my dream comes alive
a thief in the night
coming to steal lives
the lives of all of my doubts
the lives of all of my fears
my doubts, my fears, no longer
death knocking at his own door
nothing can stop me
faster than the flash
I zoom past
right past the haters
right past the naysayers
right into arms
the arms of my promise
squeezing me tight
so tight I nearly break
break free from the boundaries
boundaries set by those beneath me
set by those who succeed
only succeed at failing
and failing to succeed
set by those who believe the sky's the limit
set by those too afraid to reach for the stars.
set by those beneath me
as the sun rises
my dreams settle into rest
my dreams of success
my dreams of being someone
my dreams that are yet dreams
until my reality sets in.

Crawling away for safety
Only to barely make it
Crawling away from the stares
The hateful,disgusted stares
That burns the victim
Burns through the thin layer of scarred skin
Burns through the littered flesh
Burns all the way to the soul
.......
Crawling away to safety
Ducking off just in time
In time to dodge the vicious stereotypes
So sharp they cut through the flesh
Through the flesh to the bare soul
The brutal beliefs
Of you and you
Of the world
Of you and you
And possibly me
Just barely dodging the painful swings
The painful punches of the tongue
Opinions being thrown
Thrown like a professional mad man
In a room with only his thoughts
Screams of pain
Wails of agony
The sag of defeat
The drag of limp esteem
The shortness of breathe
Due to the fingers of life
Closing in slowly but thoroughly
Tighter and tighter
Around my windpipe
My only source of survival
......
Crawling away to safety
Only to be pulled back
Pulled back by embarrassment
Pulled back by the past
The pain of yesterday
The pain that has seemingly closed the door
Closed the door to the joy of tomorrow
Pulled back by the mistakes
The foolish mistakes of a silly child
Pulled back by the thoughts
The thoughts that held me
Held me against my will
Hard against the wall
Fear slapping me around
The truth waiting for its turn
The past getting amped up for its chance
No help in sight
My future passed out to my left
My present knocked out at my right
No idea of what's next
No idea of what's to come
No idea...
Not a clue
Is there even gonna be a next
Or has life won round one

The world is the people
and the people are the world
but what the people fail to see
is that the world is filled with useless brutality
the world is dying
one by one
all because the people
fail to become one under the sun
all because we won't work together
as a team
a team that could pull off the dream
the dream of our father
when he sent his son to this earth
the dream that all will live eternally
the dream that we will all live in equality
the dream that all will succeed
the dream that is dying
all because of the people
we are the people
and the people are the world
a world that comes together
and makes the dream
a sweet reality

Another dimension
Filled with black
Black walls
Black bars
Black boys and girls
Black cars sitting on the corner
Waiting for their helpless victim
To exit the black drugstore
Black guns
Being held by the hands
Of a black kid
Aiming the barrel
At his innocent black victim

Another dimension
Filled with white
White clouds
White walls
White boys and girls
White women gathering
At the front of the beauty parlor
White men reading their newspaper
While getting their shoes polished
White children playing on the playground
Laughing and getting along

Another dimension
Filled with red
Red blood
Red stamps
Red fire
Red puddles
Created by the blood of an innocent person
Red fire in the black man's eyes
Bullets flying from his barrel
Red blood spewing from the hole
The hole that is now in the little boys head
A little boy on the porch playing
Playing with his action figures
For the first and last time
Red stamps on the file
The file that puts you in jail
Wait was the victim black
Oh well put him in a holding cell for a few hours until someone comes with bail.
Blood flowing from the superficial wound
The wound of an old man
The wound that was caused by a stray bullet
The fire in his eyes
The red of the stamp
The red of the blood that will never be cleaned
Was the victim white
Sentenced to life without parole

Another dimension
Where everything is grey
Grey smiles
Grey hands
Grey hearts
Black people
White people
Coming together as one
Black people
White people
Forming one race
Under the sun

I often sit and wonder
what made you go
was it my hair
the way I laughed, the way I joked

I often sit and think
why did our relationship sink
was it my weight, my skin
how I act, how I drink

I often sit and pray
that you would come back
and with me is where
you'd forever want to stay

I often sit and cry
how did our everlasting flame
just somehow up and die

I often sit and stare
was it because of me
not being worthy to give you a son
to become your heir

I often sit and wonder
why didn't you stay
because ever since you left
my life has been
and forever will be
a rainy day

I dont know what happened
One minute we were happy
The next minute we were fighting
We used to know each other
Now its like we are total strangers
With us it was like seeing double
Now its like 1+1-2
No one is ever around
If I'm here you're there
If you're here I'm there
And its like there's a force field
Around our hearts
No one gets in and no one gets out
And he isn't in
We don't sleep in the same bed
We don't sleep in the same room
We barely even sleep under the same roof
You're always in someone else 's bed
And I'm always home
You're always on the run
And all I ever run for is the phone
Thinking that maybe it's you on the other end
But it never is
Always going off to talk on the phone
And all I can do is stare
Because I know that I'm not making him happy
Leaving home early and either coming home the next day or not at all
It hurts but what can I say
Other than its a job that I'm failing at
Making you happy used to be a breeze but now its a chore
I can give it another shot
But what if it doesn't work
Then what
I can't bring myself to beg
And I refuse to change who I am for him
I should probably just give up
But what if I give up and he's only doing this to make me jealous
Then what
Why happens then
Maybe I will try
But I don't know him anymore
Its like he's a picture
That I can't grasp the concept of
Is that my problem
Is it because I'm unattractive to him
Or is it because he's fallen out of love
Could it be that he was never in love
No one can possibly fall out of love that quick can they
No...
I don't know
I feel non existent to him
I feel useless and he doesn't even notice
Its as if I am a beautiful bird
And he is the scientist
The one who studies my kind
The one who parades us around to other scientists
The one who makes sure that I won't get away
Simply by clipping
My pretty wings

If I were a number
and I got to choose
I would choose ten
simply because
one without the other
is incomplete
you would be the one
because without me
you aren't whole
I would be the zero
because without you
I am nothing

What would you say
if I told you
that I found you rather attractive?

Would you look at me
laugh and say
of course
why wouldn't you

What would you say
if I said that you
light up my world

Would you laugh and say
that's nice kid
now run along

What would you say
if I said
I think of you day and night

would you say
that I'm a creep
and yell get away

what would you say
if I said
that you give me reason to smile

would you say
that's good to know
now who are you exactly

what would you say
if I said that
I wanna be with you

would you laugh
and say highly unlikely
and high-five the boys

what would you say
if I told you
that I think I'm in love with you

would you sigh and say
it'll never happen

What would you say?

what do you know about me
nothing at all really
what do you think you know
you think you know
that I lie, steal, and cheat
but what you don't know
is that whenever I look at you
I think of a million ways to commit suicide
because you think you know
but you really don't
you don't know how
when you look at me
you basically **** me
you **** my pride
and hurt my mind
you steal my joy and dent my stride
you want me to be like everyone else
but I can't
because I'm me
I try to please but I can't
because you don't see
you don't see
exactly what you're doing to me
you're making me miserable
but no matter what I do
It's never enough
but that's only because
you judge me by my outside
thinking but not really
knowing the truth
I'm pure gold inside
but because of the rest
and what they've done
you figure
I can do no right
only wrong
so you hurt me thinking
that if you do me
then I can't do you
but that's not true
and since you've never given me a chance
you'll always only know
what you think you know
instead of...
The Real Me!!

Congratulations
You’re the first person I know
To break my heart by being here
By “loving” me or whatever you call it lol
I love you too... and that’s why I hate you
You found me and you spoke
water from the sweetest sea
Fell from your lips
And I was thirsty
So I drank it all up
now I’m full and yet still starving
I’m dehydrated from crying so much
I’m sick with worry
I’m leaping out of my sleep leaving anxiety filled puddles in my wake
This is all new
And already I’ve become familiar with it all
Holding on I can’t let go
If I don’t though
This could be my end
Why did you offer me this cup
Or better yet why did I take it
I knew it was filled with bittersweet nothings
And yet still I drank
I knew it was no good for me
But I took it anyway because
It looked so good coming from you
Now it’s falling apart and so am I trying to keep it together.
Why won’t I just give you back?
I don’t wanna believe that you’re bad for me
But in my heart I know
Intuition never lies
But you have twice
And so have I
More times than I care to count
Nearly every time I wake up
And of course every time I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Because this drink has me fading.
Wait... lemme take one more sip

~RichundaDavis®️

Wheewww
Walking through the grocery store and I see the prices have gone up again
Who knew life was so expensive for you’d have told me that milk would be 6 dollars a gallon I wouldn’t believe it
Or that gas would be nearly 3 bucks a gallon
Or that food would hit me for at least 150 every month I wouldn’t have believed it
I didn’t realize that everything that’s essential to survival costs so much
Everything that one needs to go on costs an arm and a leg
If you’d have told me that it took ten bucks just to make one, if have sworn you were crazy
But that’s the way of life I guess
I mean I see now, that’s the way of life
Everything you need, whatever you want
It’s gonna cost you
Even the things that shouldn’t cost you
If you’d have told me that I would have to pay for attention, if have never believed it
It’s so expensive and not really all that important but it’s necessary if you don’t wanna sink into a pit of depression
If you’d told me that affection prices were through the roof
I’d probably have stocks and bonds in it right now cuz boy that’s expensive
And to whoever said that love don’t cost a thing
Hah, you should be shot
That’s a lie if I ever heard one
Love costs the most.
If I’d have known just how expensive love is
I’d just as soon have chosen hate
Unfortunately I’m not set up like that and even if I was I couldn’t afford hate either
It’s costs way too much
But love.... it’s crazy how it works
It doesn’t just merely cost money
It’s costs so much more
It costs you a well rested night
A joyous occasion
It costs you smiles and confidence
It costs you.... it costs you
I never thought that I would have to pay with my blood, sweat and tears.
I thought for sure that it was all just a senseless metaphor that some old man came up with to make you afraid of hard work
It’s true though
Countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep
Trying to pay for a love that was all my own
Let’s not forget the life behind the mask
To weak to smile on my own so faking it was my next best choice.
Taking mental and emotional abuse because that’s the price you pay for love
Sanity.... yes in some cases it costs you sanity
But the price never fluctuates
A life for love
Love for a life

I have a question
And although you don’t have to answer
I wish you well, as honest as possible
....
The other night when I said that you friend zoned me
You said that’s not true
You said that I was much more but it’s just hard
....
Before I continue, I have another question
Going back to when you told me about you and her for the first time
You said that you didn’t know that I felt that way about you...
Why did you say that...
....
back to before, when you said that I was more than a best friend but it’s hard
What’s really going on.
How do you really feel.?

Yea... it wouldn’t be like this for me though if she would just be honest with me. She has me going in circles and I wanna question it but I know how that’s gonna go and I’d rather she just be cryptic than for me to catch her in lies every time because she refuses to tell me the truth. This isn’t one-sided and I know it isn’t but I just need to know the other side to the story because for the longest time now I’ve loved her in real life based off of a perfect life that I’ve created in my head and it only corresponds in my head. My heart genuinely loves her but once my head comes out of the clouds it’s heartbreaking to know that she doesn’t love me back. But can I really say that when I don’t really know. Her words say that she does and some of actions as well but not all of them so there’s no way I can truly be sure of her words can I...? I’d hate to think she’s playing with me because she knows what I want and she likes the attention

When you look at me
Do you see doubt in my eyes
She resides there
She isn’t always home but
Lately she’s been lazy
She actually resides in my heart
But the windows are her favorite place
She likes to look at all of things that I’m capable of
Even though they frighten her
She laughs because she knows
They’ll never happen
She doesn’t like company
And so lately she’s been on the edge
Confidence comes around once or twice every week or so
Knocks on her door but she never lets it in
She always pretends that nobody’s home
Until anxiety pills up
Then she fixes her face
Smiles the biggest smile possible
She doesn’t mind his company though
She thinks they’d make a lovely couple
Confidence is never far away though
For she resides in my mind
And she too sees all the things that I’m capable of
And she loves it
She’s always been the ambitious one
She wants to go and get everything she sees
But she can’t just yet
Until doubt is evicted
You see confidence has been eyeing my heart
For some time now
And she got in a time or two
Must be confidence’s key
She tries everyday
But anxiety hasn’t left yet
And she doesn’t want to chance it
But today I think she will.
She’s stronger than they think
And I think she just might make my heart her new home.

I let you go because I “knew” that I could do better
Because I “knew” that I deserved better
Well it’s been a year now
I haven’t found better
I haven’t found anyone else really
So now I’m second guessing my decision to do better
Because now I have no one
Even though I didn’t have you
I still “had” you
You were the closest I’ve ever gotten to the real thing
The closest I ever got to a fantasy come true
Even though we weren’t the real thing
You were the first lips I’ve ever kissed
My lips
Even if they weren’t really my lips
You were my first love
The first heart I’ve ever held
Even if I never held it
It was the only thing I knew
Even if we weren’t really a “thing”
And I “know” that I deserve better
But compared to everything else I’ve ever had
You were the best
Even if you were the worst
I cried myself to sleep countless times over you
And yet I enjoyed your company the most
Wrote a couple poems about you
Some real, some not so much
I always did my best to pleasure you
Never enjoyed myself but always enjoyed your touch
Fell head over heels in love with you
And even if I never had you
You were still mine
I wish you’d come back
You’re all I ever knew
And even if you weren’t really mine
You were mine to me
Because it hurts to much to be real with myself
It hurts to admit that it was all one sided
It hurts like hell to admit that you never wanted “this”
Whatever “this” is
Or whatever it was
Or whatever....
I don’t wanna seem crazy
So I won’t admit to totally creating the perfect relationship in my head.
I don’t wanna seem crazy
So I won’t admit that I feel for a fool
Or should I say fell like a fool
I knew you never meant to catch me
But it didn’t hurt that bad
Falling for you, that is... so I didn’t mind
You never said you’d love me
But in my mind was close enough
So it was always ok
You never said you wanted this
But it was either this or that
And I couldn’t choose that
When all I’ve ever wanted was this
You and me, in love
I mean I still never got it
But it’s always nice to pretend isn’t it
I mean honestly
Who doesn’t like being able to say, that’s all mine
If only you could see me like I’ve always seen you
If only you could feel about me like I feel about you