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 May 2014 Olivia Mercado
nivek
I carry the eternal
who in turn
carries me
My heart is beating fast
My chest feels like it's being crushed
The need to do something is overwhelming.

To beat the walls with my fists
Tear things apart with my teeth
Scream until I have no voice.

Crush things beneath my feet
Rip my hair out
Cry until it hurts enough to forget.

Forget the world
All the problems
And the people.

Smash my most prized possessions
Curse in a never ending string
Hate everything and everyone near me.

Run until my legs give out
Beating the ground with my open hands
Laughing at how badly it hurts still.

I can't write, I only rip the pages.
I can't sing, I have no voice.
I can't sleep, I'm to afraid of what I'll see.

I can't tell you,
I don't know how to
Phrase my pain so you will care.

My hands shake
My vision blurs
Losing sight of everything that matters.

I want to let go of it all
Just to fly
Away from this feeling.

But it holds tight to my neck
Assuring me it is here to stay.
Nothing I can do will work.
Sometimes I feel insane.
Like mother like daughter they always say,
But is it possible there could be another way?
A mother's sins past down to her child,
The two of them both free and wild.
For what she did her daughter must pay the price.
It's more than fate, destiny, or a roll of the dice.
The way it is, the way it will will always be,
But maybe quite possibly it could end with me.
The love filled with the curse,
Not completely sure what could be worse.
Always out of reach, just out of hand,
To both of us the perfect man.
But she cheated, and he put out the hit
The family secret no one knows the final bit.
Pushed away in hushs and whispers,
Nothing he could do except kiss her.
The relationship can't break, be fixed, or bend
So here is where the story must end.
Sometimes our hearts want to sing
But our brains are tone deaf
 May 2014 Olivia Mercado
Vivian
City bus
My ******* pulling
from the rumble and rattle
on top of the potholed pavement

Sideways moving
like a roll of film
Panorama life
yet only a picture
since it doesn't feel real

Detached
devoid
But the rattle pulls me back
I'm intact
I'm alive
The bus makes a crack

Am I an audience member in my own life?
Or is this dysphoria impermanent?
 May 2014 Olivia Mercado
nivek
if I ripped off these clothes
stood naked in silence
my head bowed
would you join me there
 May 2014 Olivia Mercado
Daan
I wish I did not have to tell you what to do.
I need someone who does those things without asking.
I wish I had someone like you, who loved me.
I need someone to actually love me.
Appreciate me, please.
I'm breaking down on the inside.
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