If I could meet myself again when I was twenty five
I’d only check the part of me I thought was always right
I’d have a conversation with myself in such a way
that broke my heart completely so that it could be remade

I’d stay for every question I know now I should have asked
I’d offer up the answers that I wish I would’ve had
If I could meet myself again when I was twenty five
I think my heart would be the same, I’d only change my mind

I know what you meant when you said what you said
“she’s doing what’s Godly by breaking her bread”
but I’d rather eat all the crumbs on the floor
than feed my own body the things I abhor  

like inactive waters and fish that can’t swim
and people who lie about who they have been
I’d rather let Science and Numbers guide me
and put all my faith in the things I can’t see

things ever-evolving, that teach me and prove
I change as a person when I search for Truth
I know what you meant when you said you would help —
your plate is so full , I’ll take mine somewhere else

You molded a body to dress up my soul
when I began breathing, that’s when You let go
and not out of anger or doubt but in spite
of all of the ways I’d betray You in life

You made me a human but tethered my heart
to that which is True if I did fall apart
if I lost my senses or leaned into noise
I’d never lose faith or the strength to rejoice

You gave me a mind that could question away
the strife my whole body can feel in one day
You gave me the answers whenever I asked
tonight is no different — and this too, shall pass

the yoke that put its weight on me has never touched my neck
has never told a story I could easily recollect
the words were always simple but the difficulty was
the burden of the proof I had to carry with my tongue

I had to find a way to silence voices in my ear
and all the while pretend that I could make them disappear
so I became my burdens and I let them weigh me down
I put them on my neck and said, “I’ll let you have me now”

the yoke became the part of me I learned to live inside
a gentle sleight of hand that ushered peace into my mind
the burden said, “I’ll take it,” but the burden didn’t know
the weight of every part of me was hidden in the yoke

I found myself remembering the past and present days
and thought about my nature and the way that I was raised
I learned to seek a certain kind of solace in the depths
of where it was I came from ‘fore I ever took a breath

Consistencies were born in me before I ever was
I reveled in the pureness they poured out into my blood
I look for them to this day still, and fight the urge to say
the sea outside my body carries inconsistent waves

I studied every callus on the palms of both my hands
and they brought me to places that I longed to understand
where memories were blurred under the layers of the lies
I always heard you spreading when I opened up my eyes

If I remembered anything, I’d keep it to myself
for fear that if I spoke out loud, I’d never breathe again
I kept my thoughts as covered up and quiet as I could
and pressed my hands together through the bad and through the good

And so became the calluses that formed on both my palms
the ones I had to study every layer of because
I needed what was quiet not most ruinous in me
to keep my hands in motion and to put my mind at ease

I find myself between the walls of now and not quite yet
where memories have flooded every vein inside my chest
a moment here, a moment there — these moments feel the same
my heart is here, my body’s there — my mind is far away

I find myself held captive by a thought that makes me cry
a point of view I can’t accept but also can’t deny
I knew you then, I know you now — with Grace I’ll comprehend
the way I’ll always see you in the now and not quite yet

I cut off my bloodline and angled my prose
I wrote things in places where nobody goes
I fleshed out my thoughts with invisible ink
and anchored my Soul on a ship that can’t sink

I rode all the waves that I had in my head
and let my tomorrows be yesterdays’ bread
I thought of the future, I thought of the past
but stayed in a present I knew wouldn’t last

I smiled at sunrise and cried with the moon
I preyed on emotions I knew would leave soon
I let myself float like a fish in the sea
and gave my heart hope like a fond memory

I cut off my bloodline but had to go back
I left things behind too completely in tact
I wrote words in places for others to find
— if life is a book, it exists in my mind

I heard the conversations you would have inside your mind
with all these other people on the daily, all the time
it’s how I got to know you and the person that you are
a man who pays attention to the beating of a heart

you must’ve known I’d say this ‘cause you always used to say,
“I know what words are in your head on any given day”
I used to feel so bothered by the notion that you knew
but somehow feel empowered, like it’s always been us two

we have our conversations now and always keep them light
we talk about what matters in this journey we call life
it’s how I get to know me like I’ve never known before
a girl who pays attention to her heart and so much more

I knew the way I knew you and I liked to hear your thoughts
but now that someone else is you, the thinking needs to stop
you put your head on backwards, made your body fight your soul
you tried to hide the parts of you that I will always know

I know where you are going ‘cause I’ve been there and I learned
you have to manage all the pain where trauma is concerned
I’ll love you from a distance and I’ll stay until you burn
I’ll wait for you to heal and be right there when you return

I listened to the rhythms of my every single day
and learned that I throw daggers more than I could ever say
I keep my body grounded but I keep my mind afloat
still, every intercession comes from my own Spirit’s Hope

I listened to the words I kept on letting out of me
and learned that I can’t bury what I cannot not believe
You keep my body moving and You keep my mind intact
with every intercession, You make all of me come back

I’ve learned to keep my tongue to me in every kind of way
my body has a language but my mouth has more to say
as long as I am tethered to the mind You gave to me
I’ll give a second thought to every word I’ll ever speak

I’ve learned to let the tenderness You rooted in my soul
become the strength I fight to keep when I am in the throes
as long as I stay present, I won’t fall into the past
I’ll give my thoughts a listen and remain in You, steadfast

I’ve learned to let my senses claim as much of me as You
my eyes and ears and mouth and skin are sensitive to Truth
as long as I can find You, I will never talk away
Your body has a language that has so much more to say

sometimes I feel invisible, sometimes I feel so seen
but mostly I exist inside the subtle in-between
I tarry in the stillness, let it satisfy my soul
but carry all the pieces that You give to make me whole

on paper I am brighter than the sun on any day
but underneath my skin I am another kind of way
I give up all the energy I have inside of me  
and leave myself with nothing more than everything I need

today I feel as visible as every kind of Grace
I walked into this morning knowing I would see Your Face
the papers I’ve been reading made their way out of my hands
so here I am rewriting all the words I know I can

I talk to you in private, more than anybody knows
I tell you all my secrets and it satisfies my soul
you walk with me my daily route and always stop to ask
“I’m here to stay, I’ll always be, but where do your feet stand?”

I’m walking on the soil now, I’m testing out terrain
I’ve walked through some that bit me back and made me feel insane
I don’t know what to tell you now, but I know how to be
I know I am the part of you that I can always see

I talk to you in private, like I’m talking to myself
I tell you who I want to be, but I’m  somebody else
I am not you, your are not me, we are not black and white
I’ll meet you in the middle where the colors come alive

if I am unbecoming all the words you’ve never read
then I can take my time while I go walking through your head
you’ll never even see me and you’ll never even know
I’ll speak into your body, may it reap what it will sow

if I am unbecoming all the traits in me you knew
then I will be the mountain you will not know how to move
you’ll never even feel me and you’ll never even think
I’ll be with you forever, every single time you blink

but

if I am unbecoming all the words you’ve ever read
then I will pick my body up and bury it instead
you’ll find me in the in-betweens, in laughter and in sighs
I’ll be in every single breath, you never will know why

I felt my heart be still tonight, I focused on my breath
I rearranged my thoughts so I could get out of my head
I started building bridges and I crossed them every day
I learned about my body in a certain kind of way

I picked apart the memories I’d never written down
and realized carnality was always on the ground
to go below its surface took another kind of strength
I’d never be this human ever in my life again

I spoke my truth indelibly, with every cell in me
and fell apart in ways I didn’t know that I would need  
I felt my heart go still tonight, I focused on my life
I went to sleep with Hope that I would see another night

see, there is a moment, a speckle in Time
when you’re in the darkness before you see Light
you follow the patterns inside of your brain
and relive the memories that caused you such pain

but somehow your heart stirs the body it keeps
and offers perspectives you never could see
you choose to start living and breathing anew
you pick up the pieces, surrender to Truth

see, there is a moment, a second you get
to live in your body or die in your head
the latter comes easy, society says
the former is work for the rest of your breaths

it could have been through one of us that change was being made
it could have been through one of us that change was causing pain  
it could have been through one of us that change would make us fail
but change has moved through all of us, together we’ve set sail

inhaling waves of water I’ve been catching all my life
I realized my fisticuffs were never only mine
it’s never been just one of us, it’s always been us all
together we would rise or separated, we would fall

it could have been through one of us that change was never made
it could have been through all of us that change would choose to stay  
it could have been that none of us would ever learn to stand
but we are in the water now, together, hand in hand

if you could hear the dissonance between your mind and soul
would you put up a fight or would you let it take control?
would you give in to anger or be humbled in its midst?
would you consider dying to the things you can’t resist?

if you could hear the voices of the present, future, past
would you become a pillar or an ever-moving mass?
would you pack up your life entire for where you want to go?
or would you turn your head around to everything you’ve known?

if you were offered nothing but a Promise you can’t see  
would you surrender all the things that bring you to your knees?
would you call flesh your person or the part of you that is
a vessel for your Soul to carry out what you let in

if we bind our minds to violence, all the evil that can be
will infiltrate our bodies in a single breath with ease
if we bathe our Souls in terror, all our bones will see decay
and everything our eyes perceive will slowly rot away

if we rush into our anger, all our tongues will turn to ash
the sweetness of The Truth will taste like bitterness intact
if we supplement deficiencies with lies we tell ourselves
we’ll end up in the throes of what it’s like to be in Hell

if we follow our delusions, make them part of who we are
expel our own beliefs from every chamber of our hearts
we will walk away with nothing, even less than, to be sure
if we bind our minds to violence, we’ll be gone before we were

the Spring and Summer passed me by when I turned twenty four
and then the Autumn wind blew all its leaves upon my floor
I made a bed for napping on, I made a bed for sleep
I felt my Spirit hover just before I let it leave

I walked into a shadow of the person that I was
and watched myself uncover every stain inside my blood
I spent my waking moments in a way that wore me out
and settled for the lesser things I often thought about

I fought to disengage myself with all of what was past
I started waking up and being present, at long last
I’ve let the Spring and Summer pass me by this year, you see
and Autumn will be different this year, twenty twenty three

I will never be prepared enough for you to go away
you’re the Poet in my bloodstream who would never let me stray
you put Words into my fingertips and helped me write them down
you saw tears inside my eyelids when I couldn’t let them out

I will never be prepared enough for you to let me go
I’m a poet’s daughter’s child who forever seeks your sow
for you taught me how to battle every single doubt I have
to put every Word that’s Scripture through the process of the pass

I want to leave my senses on the side of every road
I want to be suspended like the clouds but in my soul
I want to be immeasurable like stars are, in the sky
Like every kind of pain that can exist in human eyes

But

I want to put my heart into the oceans and the seas
I want to be reminded of the Times I went too deep
I want to know The Spirit that would let me crash in waves
But take me back to shores where I could fully come awake

So

I want to leave my senses in the marrow of my bones
I want to walk in tandem with the people I will know
I want to be as human as my soul lets my flesh be
So I can feel your heartbeat in the only Place I seek

I’ve noticed how my memories come flooding back at once
The farther back I go the more intense that they become

I think about my formative and adolescent years
And realize the many things they taught me about fear
To feel it first, to face it, then, to minimize it all
To spread my heart so thin that I could barely even walk

I stepped into adulthood feeling strange and unprepared
To spend my time with people who were never really there
I leaned into forgiveness and I learned how to move on
And those who walked beside me knew about it all along

I’ll walk into today and all the days I hope to have
With every single sense in me — I will not live in lack
I’ve noticed how my memories have brought me back to You
The Only One Who’s ever been through what I’ve been through, too

is anything as deep as all the oceans in my Soul?
their waters carried gratitude that sanctified me whole
I swam into the waves and let them break upon my back
as joy began to cover all the feelings that I lacked

my longing turned to waiting and I thought about The Time
when life put me in places where your heart was only mine
I disappeared completely and it put my heart at ease
my Soul is in the ocean and I’m left with only Peace

I know I’ve walked the surface of the earth so many times
my feet have touched the mountains like a hills and valleys’ tithe
I wake up every morning to a Sun that has my back
but I look for the people in the shadow that it casts

for ten percent of nothing I give everything away
my thoughts, my cares, my purpose, for a body that decays
I think I walked the surface of the earth to try to find
The Light inside The Sun that is alive inside my mind

there are people who have endgames, I’m the very least of these
I flourish in the stillness, where l fall upon my knees
it is there my every human trait surrenders to Your Truth
and teaches me The Only Way to live because of You

there are people who have heard You, there are many who have not
but still You manage peace despite their all-intrusive thoughts
as they flounder in the darkness and they fall upon their face
I wonder if their broken bones will lead them to Your Grace

there are people who have endgames I will never understand
I’ll share my words regardless, leave each syllable at hand
may it matter where they came from, may it matter where they go
may words I speak be graceful unto everyone I’ll know

a tiny little flower made her way inside your womb
and grew her every petal so that you could watch her bloom
she knew her life would flourish when she got you as her mom
a woman to look up to who’s the strongest kind of strong

a tiny little stranger made her way into your heart
and now that you can feel hers beat, you’ll never be apart
you knew her life repurposed all the pain you felt before
and soon you’ll have a daughter who is everything and more

I’m living in a layer of my mind I never knew  
but I see other people in a way I haven’t, too
I find idiosyncrasies in everyone I meet
as I unlearn behaviors that were once a part of me

I’m living in a constant state of why and here and now
but I beg every question leads me back to You somehow
I carry conversations on with everyone I can
as I begin to share the Words I trust are in my hands

I’m living in tomorrows like I should be in todays
but I know that my future is not promised anyway
I bury my own body and my thoughts before I should
as I become a person who was never understood

I tend to feel it’s treason when my thoughts are not aligned
when I am disconnected at the corners of my mind
my memories run rampantly into my here and nows
unchecked as much as ever but still relevant somehow

I tend to run in circles but I always make a choice
and even when I’m shivering I still can hear Your Voice
my every single step becomes much easier to take
it’s checked by all the balance from which I can’t walk away

I tend to think it’s normal for my body to beget
another kind of language to describe what’s in my head
but I am not a novice to what Life is anymore
I’ve been around for long enough to know what I’m here for

I rode the train to yesterday and saw what I would see
I wiped my eyes so many times, my tears came back to me
I watched myself befuddle every single thought I had
and woke up in a room where all the energy was sad

I caught the train again to seek its solace one last time
to fall apart completely in the gallows of my mind
I rectified conditions in the best way that I could
let alternating currents go directly where they should

and so

I’ll catch the train tomorrow, when my eyes are made anew
when everything inside of me is not so black and blue
my heart will have a beat and my whole soul will hear its sound
and it will be the music that I always carry now

I put my thoughts on paper to remember where I am
to make the ink that’s running go right back into my hands
I’m privy to these words as much as anybody else
but they will do no justice if I keep them to myself

I put my thoughts on paper for another soul to read
to make the things that matter shed a Light for all to see
I’m just another human who needs love and grace and warmth
but somewhere deep inside me, I’m a  Poet’s perfect storm

I put my thoughts on paper to be closer to the sky
to wrap my heart around a faith that opens up my eyes
I know I have this body and it may not be a lot
but I can write a poem with its every single thought

go move and have a cry upon a shoulder you have known
a shoulder you’re attached to like the cortical of bone
let flow the conversation even if you speak in tears
for in their salty waters lie a pendulum of years

go put your best foot forward and don’t step it back away
the Spirit you depend on will renew you if you stay
let go your dispositions, all the tendencies you have
for in their barely breathing state, they’re nothing but a trap

go back to where you were when you had only peace of mind
the body you are living in will recognize The Time
let sown be every lesson, even ones you tried to fight
for in their Truth there is no lie, there’s nothing but a Light

I found the kind of Love in you that feeds my every part
the kind of Love that gathers all the pieces of my heart
the kind of Love that matters in the Only Way it can
: by flowing like a river to the very place I am

I found the kind of Love that keeps on going when I tire
the kind of Love that gives me strength and walks me through the fire  
the kind of Love that teaches me the Only Way I know
: by showing me the Fountain from which all of nature flows

I’ll slowly disappear in you until I am no more
no subtle synchronicity will bring me to your door
I’ll write of you in poems and I’ll miss you in my dreams
I’ll wake up every morning growing through our in betweens


I’ll slowly not forget you and the parts of me you touched
my heart will break a thousand times and for the both of us
I’ll think of you in passing as we go our separate ways
I’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, let swiftly go the days

I see You in the little things and everywhere I go
the every single in-between betwixt the reap and sow
You’re every conversation I could ever hope to have
The Words I keep inside of me because I live in lack

I feel You in the morning when I’m taking my first breath
when I am done my dreaming and I wake to live again
You are the reassurance I need every single day
The Strength I have at all in my own broken -hearted state

I know You like a Love that had the heart to bare it all
enough to be a witness to the hardest kind of fall
Our every interaction leaves me softer than a cloud
and dare I be so bold as to say all of this right now

The Time put clocks inside my skin to let my body know
I’d live inside an hourglass that spilled into my bones
I’d think about the beauty of just being here at all
and hold onto my ligaments until I knew they’d gone

The Time put locks outside my soul to let my Spirit know
I’d live outside the confines of the flesh to which I’m sown
I’d think about my duty and my calling in this life
and hold onto the parts of me that never weren’t mine

The Time put socks upon my feet to let me walk again
I’d put myself in places where I couldn’t play pretend
I’d think about the moments I decided I would live
and hold onto the memories I chose to not forget

I went to the ocean to swim in its waves
to take in the water, put salt on my veins
I laid in the sand to unravel within
and fed off The Sun like a freckle on skin

I went to the ocean to borrow some Time
to walk on the shore, put my toes on the line
I picked up the pieces I found on the way
and left them in places where I couldn’t stay

I went to the ocean to reap from its Peace
to wrap my whole heart in a Spirit I need
I gave up my senses to render my Soul
and understood Love like I understand Hope

if you give me a place to, my body will glow
my fingers will gather The Truth in the snow
and The Water will melt over parts of my soul
and I’ll be renewed and completely made whole

if you give me a place to, my Spirit will sing
I’ll float through my bones and come out of my skin
and The Light will consume all the darkness around
and there will be Life in the form of a Sound

if you give me a place to, I’ll be who I am
I’ll break through the silence and tell you, “I can”
and The Words that I speak will sow Love into you
and I will be stronger and you will be too

let not go of your tenderness, it keeps your heart a whole
it catches every breath you can’t when you lose all control
when every single part of you, your human and your mind
has made you feel so destitute, with nowhere left to hide

let not go of your tenderness, it remedies your thoughts
it gives you new perspective and untangles all your knots
when everyone surrounding you commiserates with fear
do not forget the heart you have still beats in you, my dear

I picked up both my arms because my brother lost his limbs
and I continued fighting on and on behalf of him
The ground was in my blood but I had hands enough to be
the backbone of a country that I wanted to be free

I picked up both my feet because my sister lost her head
but I continued fighting on and on because she bled
Her blood was of my blood, I know I buried her too soon
the breath that I have left in me will honor her by moon

when all the blood inside of you
gives rise to things that make you move
consider mindfulness your friend
and be as patient as you can

and think on words before you speak
your heart is strong, don’t let it leak
let go the notion you have time
you’re only here for seconds, child

the ghost of notes makes Time so worn  
it let’s you think you have much more
but Truth is sound and Time is now
you’ll always be and you’ll know how

I know too much, don’t know enough
my mind has grazed the skies above
and as my thoughts go up and down
I start to flee from higher ground

I put my focus on the earth
and as I walk, I learn my worth
my feet are small and so am I
but there is more than meets the eye

I felt as much as I could feel
enough to know that You are real
my soul depicts Your Majesty
Your Hands my hands, Your Feet my feet

you wrote me a poem that watered my eyes
and woke up my Spirit from dead to alive
I anchored my heart and I wandered its streets
and took all the Time to revisit each beat
I found you in moments that sounded far off
but when I drew closer, I saw you and thought

: you’ve never been farther than one word away
and now that I’m with you, I know what to say
your mind and your body were made for me, dear
The Son and The Father have made this so clear
I love you because of, I love you despite
I love you forever, yours always, goodnight

I see You in colors that do not exist
In gardens and rivers and Time as it is
I see You in Spirit, in thoughts we collide
You lead me to moments that keep me alive

I see You in ways that I never knew how
And You carry the weight of all that is now
I see you in corners, in clouds, in the rain
Reflecting the aura gone out of my pain

I see You aglow in the parts of myself
That I have neglected or thought were unwell
I see You because I know You see me too
And being beside You, I know, is The Truth

I feel like I’m holding my organs
and all of them want to collapse
I need to get back to my Father
Who keeps me completely intact

I feel like I’m losing my brain cells
and all of them stopped making sense
I need to get back to my Father
Who paid all of my recompense

I feel like I need to get closer
and all that I am is without
I need to get back to my Father
Who cancels out all of my doubt

It’s in the corners of our friendship where I feel most alive
where every single part of me can find no place to hide
and then every time I see you and you give me all your space
I find myself surrounded by a certain kind of Grace

it is with your hand in mine I walk a way I never could
and everything I do and say is just because I should
I have never known another who feels closer than my skin
who leads me out to waters and then teaches me to swim

that I have no closer friend than you has turned into a song
and in its very melody we’ve learned to sing along