I studied every callus on the palms of both my hands
and they brought me to places that I longed to understand
where memories were blurred under the layers of the lies
I always heard you spreading when I opened up my eyes

If I remembered anything, I’d keep it to myself
for fear that if I spoke out loud, I’d never breathe again
I kept my thoughts as covered up and quiet as I could
and pressed my hands together through the bad and through the good

And so became the calluses that formed on both my palms
the ones I had to study every layer of because
I needed what was quiet not most ruinous in me
to keep my hands in motion and to put my mind at ease

I find myself between the walls of now and not quite yet
where memories have flooded every vein inside my chest
a moment here, a moment there — these moments feel the same
my heart is here, my body’s there — my mind is far away

I find myself held captive by a thought that makes me cry
a point of view I can’t accept but also can’t deny
I knew you then, I know you now — with Grace I’ll comprehend
the way I’ll always see you in the now and not quite yet

I cut off my bloodline and angled my prose
I wrote things in places where nobody goes
I fleshed out my thoughts with invisible ink
and anchored my Soul on a ship that can’t sink

I rode all the waves that I had in my head
and let my tomorrows be yesterdays’ bread
I thought of the future, I thought of the past
but stayed in a present I knew wouldn’t last

I smiled at sunrise and cried with the moon
I preyed on emotions I knew would leave soon
I let myself float like a fish in the sea
and gave my heart hope like a fond memory

I cut off my bloodline but had to go back
I left things behind too completely in tact
I wrote words in places for others to find
— if life is a book, it exists in my mind

I heard the conversations you would have inside your mind
with all these other people on the daily, all the time
it’s how I got to know you and the person that you are
a man who pays attention to the beating of a heart

you must’ve known I’d say this ‘cause you always used to say,
“I know what words are in your head on any given day”
I used to feel so bothered by the notion that you knew
but somehow feel empowered, like it’s always been us two

we have our conversations now and always keep them light
we talk about what matters in this journey we call life
it’s how I get to know me like I’ve never known before
a girl who pays attention to her heart and so much more

I knew the way I knew you and I liked to hear your thoughts
but now that someone else is you, the thinking needs to stop
you put your head on backwards, made your body fight your soul
you tried to hide the parts of you that I will always know

I know where you are going ‘cause I’ve been there and I learned
you have to manage all the pain where trauma is concerned
I’ll love you from a distance and I’ll stay until you burn
I’ll wait for you to heal and be right there when you return

I listened to the rhythms of my every single day
and learned that I throw daggers more than I could ever say
I keep my body grounded but I keep my mind afloat
still, every intercession comes from my own Spirit’s Hope

I listened to the words I kept on letting out of me
and learned that I can’t bury what I cannot not believe
You keep my body moving and You keep my mind intact
with every intercession, You make all of me come back

I’ve learned to keep my tongue to me in every kind of way
my body has a language but my mouth has more to say
as long as I am tethered to the mind You gave to me
I’ll give a second thought to every word I’ll ever speak

I’ve learned to let the tenderness You rooted in my soul
become the strength I fight to keep when I am in the throes
as long as I stay present, I won’t fall into the past
I’ll give my thoughts a listen and remain in You, steadfast

I’ve learned to let my senses claim as much of me as You
my eyes and ears and mouth and skin are sensitive to Truth
as long as I can find You, I will never talk away
Your body has a language that has so much more to say