Why would he worry about me?
He doesn't know I broke my promise not to hurt myself.
He doesn't know about the scars.
He doesn't know about the bottle of pills beside my bed.
He doesn't know there's a collection of knives in my drawer.
He doesn't know that I write nasty letters to life.
He doesn't know about the reason I sit on the roof.
He doesn't know about how I can't sleep at night.
He doesn't know that even if I do, it's only after the tears.
He doesn't know I carry around a mental list of why I hate myself.
He doesn't know I can't concentrate at all.
He doesn't know I lie through my teeth about how I'm feeling.
He doesn't know that I'm avoiding church.
He doesn't know I'm pushing everyone away.
He doesn't know how lonely I am.
He doesn't know about these poems.
Why would he worry about me?

You said you wanted to
Know me better
So here I go:

I've got exactly 28 pens
I know because I counted

I've got too many notebooks
Yet I can't stop
Buying more and more

Sometimes when it's 4 am
And my mind is
Driving me to the brink
Of total insanity
I take 3 showers
to try and calm myself down
(It never works)

I like apple juice but I hate apples

I've never been good in math

There are too many
Cigarette burns
On the crook of my elbow
And scars on my thighs
and demons in my head

I love the smell of cinnamon

Once when I was 15
I drank blue paint
Because I think blue is beautiful
And I wanted to be beautiful too

That didn't work

So I drank a bottle of bleach
To clean my very core

It didn't work either

Now you know me better
I understand if you'd want
To run away now
It's okay
Save yourself
Run

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.

I finally saw you again after 34 days
and
in between those 34 days
I strongly believed I was over you
but then I saw you
                 I remembered
how all your imperfect flaws made me fall for you                        
                 I remembered
how you made my stomach fill with
little
      colorful
           meaningful
                    butterflies
                  I remembered
how your words made my heart melt like wax
and then
                  I remembered
that I'm not actually over you

j.f

There is a girl you will see at 8 a.m.
Drinking her morning coffee.
She will wear flowers in her hair
And never stop smiling.
Happy.
She will be happy.

Did you know,
Only one-tenth of an iceberg can be seen.
All the rest is under the water.
Hidden.

Did you know,
This is the girl
At 8 a.m.
Happy.
Only one-tenth.
Hidden.

Because
There is a girl you will not see at 1 a.m.
Choking down her sleeping pills.
She will hold a razor blade in her hand
And never stop crying.
Sad.
She will be sad.

But you will never see sad,
For sad hides in the dresser
With the razor blades and pills.

And she will struggle to be awake at 8 a.m.,
Dissolve her pills in her morning coffee.
She will pick daisies and put them behind her ear
Because they were her mother's favorites.
And she will smile
Because she does not know what else to do.
She will force the word into her mind,
Happy.
Happy.
You will be happy.

What a lovely heart you have inside
Beating so happy and free
What a shame it'd be to stomp it out
And leave you with an empty beat
And oh how I'll laugh as I watch you cry
Then whither up bitter and die
I'll tell my friends how crazy you are
Even though it's all a lie
I'll dance on your grave
Where you're buried alone
Then marry your ****** old ex
I'll make her a sinner and even more bitter
Bitter than all of the rest
So bring on the night
You're looking at me
Thinking that I am so sweet
Remember my dear
Just cause I'm queer
Doesn't mean you can use me.