and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it
Wheezing and tired, my will to breathe
Weakens with every bitter remark that
Leaves your pitiful mouth.
Why do I love a sister who
Tastes of poison and rose thorns if all
I ever pictured her to be was a rainbow.
They say I'm a citizen of heaven but you
Treat me like a prisoner of hell.
You are not allowed to tell
Me I am beautiful then pick off
All of my petals. I'd lie lifeless
On the floor and you'd still
Tell me to get over it. What
Have I done to make you hate
Me and all that I ever do. All
I ever asked for was an idol,
And all I got was you.
Please, shut the door.
I do not want to participate
In a world where beauty comes
Before brains, and people
I am having a hard time
Accepting I am painfully real
In a harshly fake world
And I can't sleep without
The security of the next day
Being better; I haven't slept in
Two years. You can hang
Your clothes to dry on the bags
Under my eyes because they
Nearly touch the ground.
The fluoride I swish around
In my mouth isn't ridding your
Taste from my body and I
Can't stop having anxiety attacks
Every time I smell peppermint.
I am afraid of you; I know you can
Crush my soul like an empty soda can
And leave me out in the street.
I have been trampled too many times
I can no longer trust sidewalks.
I walk in the middle of the road,
Because I know being hit by a truck
Could not possibly hurt worse
Than watching you leave.
My heart is pounding.
Dizziness is just a side effect of yelling.
The shower drain swallowed the saltiness
Bleeding from my eyes and while trying
To recover the words I screamed at the
Shower walls- I still feel nothing.
My heart is pounding.
One part because of the pain
And two parts because my life is a self
Confessed mess filled with majorly ******* up
Minds and severely suicidal teenagers.
I think I am still dreaming but if my dream
Were to come true, I wouldn't be breathing.
My heart is pounding.
The moon serenades the sun to sleep and
The stars listen to my sob stories.
Maybe if they were to flicker away I wouldn't
Notice because they are merely background
Noise in another one of your haunting lullabies.
My heart is still pounding.
Your fragile arm lies inches from my fingertips,
Hairs lining the back of my neck stand guard
Against the battle of my body and my brain.
If I laid my hand atop your fingers,
Would you melt into them like a plastic spoon within flames?
Or would you yank them away and send glares of
Embarrassment through my veins?
I'm afraid to touch you; your delicate skin
Causes a full-system shut down if your arm merely brushes mine
Without a simple sorry.
I've fallen in love with hands I've never held,
And sculptured skin I'll never touch.
You are such a masterpiece- my touch
Would simply shatter you.
A destruction of self-confidence,
A wicked collection of rules.
Never has my fragile heart
Wished disaster quite this cruel.
They lecture you to be yourself-
More like inject it in your veins.
It doesn't help; for we are different
People with different brains.
Wake-up early, slave for hours,
Come home late, and cry.
This isn't how it's supposed to be-
School makes me want to die.
Change? It won't. So here I stay,
Always exhausted and annoyed.
The little girl who laughed and smiled
Has been replaced by me, destroyed.
Penny for my thoughts?
You never asked me for a dime or a quarter.
Maybe my thoughts aren't worth just a penny.
How dare you underestimate my thoughts' worth.
They aren't worthy of a single one of your
Thoughts thinking of what mine could possibly be.
They have ceased to be about you
And have become worth something.
Something better than you ever would have been.
I don't mean to degrade you,
But you asked me for my thoughts.
Take back the penny,
I don't want anything more from you.