eli: Poems

#143

eli Apr 2020

#143

"are you okay?"

"no."

#144

eli Apr 2020

#144

12 x 12

also for my 6th grade math teachee

#145

eli Apr 2020

#145

she found out about my suicidal tendencies, do i lie to her?

#146

eli Apr 2020

#146

went through our old messages, our old memories and realised we had something that lasted for a month until you ****** everything over. i stayed with you for an additional 3 months and then you dumped me for being mad at SOMEONE ELSE. by the 2 month mark i realised you were ******* up my friendships too, did you want to ruin my life too?

*******.

sh

#147

eli Apr 2020

#147

our everything was really nothing.

it was a game you played to keep yourself entertained,

now my friendships are strained,

you haunt me with every **** thing you did,

my trust issues arose,

and now im a broken ******* whos name is toxic.

sh

#148

eli May 2020

#148

reading your poems,

noticing how they connected with mine.

we really liked each other,

i just wasn't enough to keep you hanging on

so now our friendship is strained

im being pushed away

because

"im not replacing you, she was just there for me when you weren't."

i was there for you,

i guess you couldn't see that.

im sorry.

im not enough

#149

eli May 2020

#149

eat more.

the whole cycle is coming back to attack me

i thought i got rid of you

i thought i burned you

i thought you disappeared from my life

god i tried so hard to stop you but you keep coming back

#15

eli Nov 2019

#15

She kissed me.

So I kissed her back.

I wanna do it again.

Would she let me?

Would she like it?

Would she push me away?

I love you.

So.

Much.

#150

eli Jun 2020

#150

yknow what? i think i genuinely hate you. we don’t have anything anymore.

#151

eli Jun 2020

#151

so when’re you gonna stop stalking my accounts? they don’t concern you :/

#152

eli Jun 2020

#152

how come you get to stalk me but i don’t? when i do, i’m just a nosy ******* who can’t mind their business? tell me

#153

eli Jun 2020

#153

so when you told me you were cutting you went STRAIGHT TO THE BATHROOM TO TALK TO A GIRL?

#154

eli Jun 2020

#154

even your mom replaced mine

#155

eli Jun 2020

#155

she’s so much happier without you, why can’t you see the ******* signs? YOURE A ****** PERSON SOMETIMES. YOU RUINED HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARENTS, HER FRIENDS, EVERYONE?.

#156

eli Jun 2020

#156

i want to feel your body against mine.

touch me

talk to me

kiss me.

just be with me, please.

i want you.

#157

eli Oct 2020

#157

making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling them
making plans and then canceling themmaking plans and then canceling them

#158

eli Jul 2021

#158

eli
is
a
nice name.

perhaps
i
should
go
back
to
it

#159

eli Jul 2021

#159

love me

love me

love me ?

please.

before
i
give
up.

#16

eli Nov 2019

#16

I love you too.

#160

eli Jul 2021

#160

i remember
when i broke

because she took you away
from me.

now
you're mine,

it worked out anyway,

didn't it?

you're
my
boyfriend

but
im
still
scared
that
you'll
leave
me
like
everyone
else

#161

eli Jul 2021

#161

i
read
through
all
of
the
poems
here

and
i
feel
sick.

sorry
me
but
things
only
got worse

#162

eli Jul 2021

#162

oh
how
i
wish

i
could
say
goodbye
one
last
time

this
is
the
end

#163

eli Aug 2021

#163

live
past
16.

my only goal.

#164

eli Nov 2022

#164

i live in fear

#165

eli Dec 2022

#165

you make me sick to my stomach,
saying those things.

i have never done anything to you,
a few hurtful words,
maybe,

but god i never took
that
away from
you

like how you did to me.

i still feel your hands on my body,
i still hear your booming voice
telling me its all my fault,
i still hear you telling me
that you'd leave
if i didn't do something you wanted.
so sure,
i said a few mean things,
but you
ruined me
my life
everything.

so sure,
i said a few mean things,

but i had to get
OUT.

out of your home,
out of your arms,
out of your head,
out of your heart.

you make me sick to my stomach,
so sick
that i shake and i cry and i *****

over just the thought of you
and your ***** hands on my body.

i wish
we just never
met

but i am grateful
for now
i know what
is not okay

because what you did
wasn't.

and as i
defended you
for all these years,

i realize i was blinded,
manipulated,

i didn't want you to leave.

so i left first.

#166

eli Dec 2022

#166

some days

i can't even look at my body.

is it even my body?

once iwas violated
by you
and now
i feel *****
and disgusting
and i just think
there is no way this is my body

i need to get out

#167

eli Dec 2022

#167

i read and i read and i read
until there is no more to read

am i punishing myself?
reading every word you wrote,
just to remember,
to reminisce.

you make me scared,
sick,
anxious.

please get off of me.

#168

eli Sep 2023

#168

I DONT NEED YOU ANYMORE.

i truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope you die.

#169

eli Oct 2023

#169

once again
i start to feel your
*****
hands
on my body

and

i feel

digusting.

#17

eli Nov 2019

#17

Moaning,

Screaming,

Yelping,

Nasty words,

Nasty comments,

Do people really get paid to do this?

#18

eli Nov 2019

#18

Aching,

Pain,

Why does this hurt so much?

Am I okay?

Am I dying?

Bleh.

It's the milk again.

#19

eli Nov 2019

#19

No, I don't have control over who comes out.
We act similarly.
We're different.

But we're the same person.

You won't know who you're talking to.

It could be Evan.

Or Leanne,

Alexander.

You wouldn't know the difference.

Just know that we can hear you.

#2

eli Sep 2019

#2

I may be young,
but
I've gone through things you avoid.

Yes,
I am 13.

What possibly have I gone through?

"What? Your parents yelled at you?"

Worse.

"Grounded?"

You really don't want to know.

#20

eli Nov 2019

#20

When will I be able to see you again?

                                                                                                      Soon.

Oh okay!

                                                  And then she left.
                                                                            Forever.

#21

eli Nov 2019

#21

Sometimes I don't have control.

                                        And then he comes out.

                                    I know what he's doing.

                                I can see it.

                             Hear his thoughts.

                       Hear the clicking on the keyboard.

                  I know he shouldn't be doing that.

"Hey, that's mean."
                                                                               Pfft. So what?

                  And then I try.
                      To stop him
                            Before he hurts someone.

                                Sent.

                                      I'm too late.

"Hey! Why'd you send that.."
                                                                    Your friend, your problem.
"He's gonna hate me!"
                                                    Shut the **** up. You're so annoying.

                                          Blocked.

#22

eli Nov 2019

#22

I miss you.
                                                                                          I miss you too.

                           "Loser. She's ******* lying to you!"
                                   "No one would want to date you. Pathetic"

                      Alex, leave me alone.

                           "Pffft- you'd really think I'd do that?"
    "I'm surprised she hasn't left you yet. It's almost been 3 months"
                           "She has a bad taste in 'women' "
                        "******!"
                                  "I bet she wouldn't like you- hell. I bet no one would like you if they knew that you're actually a trans male!"
                      "Genderfluid? What a joke."

#23

eli Nov 2019

#23

Hi! I'm Olivia!

Oh, I see.

He never mentioned me.

Well, I'm Olivia, the... awkward? part of "Leanne"

I'm normally out when we're in an awkward situation or when someone reminds us of a triggering part of our past.

I'm normally never out but hey, sometimes I am.

#24

eli Nov 2019

#24

Who the hell let Olivia take over

#25

eli Nov 2019

#25

"Or am I just sick in the head?"

#26

eli Nov 2019

#26

They've always taken you away.

You used to be mine.

Without any interruptions,

Without any people to scoop you and take you,

I miss having you to myself.

Without you leaving me for someone else.

Without you having someone taking my spot.

Now, I just sit in the background.

Finding someone new,

Someone who won't run away like that.

Someone who won't replace me.

But I can't leave you all the way, can I?

I'm still here.

Open arms.

Waiting,

For you to come back to me.

Until there's no one left.

#27

eli Nov 2019

#27

I'm a ******' joke to you, aren't I?

#28

eli Nov 2019

#28

I miss you.

I want to hug you.

Cuddle with you.

Kiss you.

I want you.

You might not be perfect in your eyes,

But you're perfect to me.

I love you.

Every "imperfection' you complain about.

Beautiful.

Perfect to me.

I love you.

So much.

But hey, you probably don't want me anymore.

I'm annoying, stubborn, refusing to do things.

Sorry.

#29

eli Nov 2019

#29

Yes, go for it, complain about her!

Complain about the person who took you away from me!

You care about her way more than me anyway.

She cares about you "way more" than I do!

It's not like I've known you for a while now!

We've been through everything together!

But-

Here we are.

#3

eli Sep 2019

#3

What if I told you that almost everything that I have written on this website is fake?

I would be a faker.
Attention *****.

Eh?

I mean,

Thanks, I guess.

#30

eli Nov 2019

#30

NOTHING.

I'm nothing.

*******. Nothing.

#31

eli Nov 2019

#31

toxic.
tired.
stress.

will someone save me from this mess?

the mess i created.

#32

eli Nov 2019

#32

I changed the password to my account.

#33

eli Nov 2019

#33

Spray
Spray
Spray
Spray
Wipe
Wipe
Crumple
Crumple
Sigh
Scrub
Scrub
Spray
Spray
Sigh
Wipe
Wipe
Wipe
Throw
Bonk
Bonk
Bonk
Bonk
Bonk
Throw
Plonk
Mumble
Plonk
Spray
Spray
Spray
Wipe
Wipe

#34

eli Nov 2019

#34

Sick.

Is it fun to be sick?

Headache,

Cold,

Vomiting,

Crying,

Coughing,

Gagging.

Yes.

It is very fun.

I want to suffer.

#35

eli Dec 2019

#35

Unfortunately, you, in fact, do not need to know everything about me.

Yes, I'm dating her.

Yes, I've kissed her.

Does it really make a difference?

You rejected me anyway.

You don't want me anyway.

You'd rather be with them anyway.

You'd rather ditch me to be with them anyway.

YOU'D RATHER LEAVE ME TO DIE THAN TO DATE ME YOU ******* ******* I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND YOU PUSHED ME AWAY LIKE THAT. I LOVED YOU FOR 2 YEARS AND YOU JUST **** ON ME LIKE THAT. YOU LIKE ME TOO? YEAH, RIGHT ******* NO YOU DON'T YOU ******* LIAR YOU PLAYED WITH MY FEELINGS YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU??

YOU ******* PLAYED WITH MY FEELINGS. I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS. I TOLD YOU. I ******* TOLD YOU AND YOU SAID "oh cool." WHAT NOW?! YOU'RE FAKING BEING MY FRIEND BECAUSE YOUR MOM SAYS I NEED YOUR ATTENTION?! I'LL ******* TELL YOU RIGHT NOW; MY THERAPIST THINKS SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS' **** AND SHE THINKS I'VE BEEN LACKING ATTENTION FROM THEM AND I'VE ONLY GOTTEN THE NEGATIVE ****. AT LEAST YOUR MOM LOVES YOU. AT LEAST YOUR DAD LEFT SO HE WOULDN'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.

NO NO NO NON ON ONO. MY PARENTS NEVER DID THAT ****. THEY JUST LOADED IT RIGHT ON TO ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO BE CALLED A ******* ***** WHEN YOU'RE 7?! WHEN YOU'RE STILL IN A ******* BABY SEAT IN THE CAR?! C A R . S E A T . I WAS SITTING IN THE ******* BACK SEAT WITH MY TEDDY BEAR. AND HE CALLED ME NASTY NAMES. AT LEAST YOUR PARENTS DON'T DO THAT. AT LEASE THEY ******* LOVE YOU. AT LEAST THEY TRY AND NOT HURT YOU. AT LEAST THEY CARE. they're there for you. unlike mine.

i ******* hate you on the outside but i still want to be your friend.

you're all i have left.

and you make me feel like ****.