I get annoyed by your actions at times
Anxious by the way you word things
The way you act sometimes, as if you don't truly want me..
It *****. It hurts. I know it's just in my thoughts and that's what's worse.

You know I overthink, you know how I can act
I'm not someone you need to "fix"
I'm not someone you need to push past limits **** near every single day
I'm not a person that you need to walk on egg shells to talk to me, but just manage your delivery of statements.
I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone and you know that.

Lately I have been going through so much that I haven't even told you about
And nor do I want to.
I'm just tired and drained by everybody
I'm ready to leave, and be reunited with you.
Seems like that's the only cure I have to how I have been feeling.

I feel.. free.
Freedom that is abnormal and feels odd
This is an unknown reality to me
I am discerned yet joyous
I am moving past this destructive catastrophe

You want me to suffer, and you want me in pain
But.. you see..
I'm back to being me
I missed her and now I am she
You can sit here and disagree
Say that you had a bigger impact
That I'm still not let free

Deep down though..
We both know..
Even if you don't, I still adore me.

You read me, you read through me.
Sometimes I want to say that you don't understand me but
The truth is, that you do.
You understand me more than anyone else in my life has.
And it's only been two months.
You try for me.
You acknowledge my emotions.. my behavior.
You recognize my tone.. my style.
You appreciate my actions.. my words.
You read me, you read through me.
Sometimes I want to say that you don't care for my feelings but
The truth is, that you do.
You ask me what is wrong anytime I am acting different
You know how I am, what I'm feeling, and probably even my thoughts.
You prove it each and everyday.
And it's only been two months.
I know I say this all the time but
I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life, as mine.
It could be all the pain that I was dragged through, all the emotions I had pushed aside for the sake of others
It could be all the times that I was beaten and drained mentally by my peers.
Even though that may seem like a lot, if that was all that it took to have someone like you in my life as mine.. I would go through it all over again for you.

The most beautiful people I know are those that are humble, kind, understanding, loving..
Those that know how to balance before putting others before themselves..
That show appreciation to those around them, show loving concerns to those they care for..

Now read that again.. and think of who that pertains to in your life
For me, it's you.

You are one of the most beautiful people I know, and you are special to me.

Most times it is so difficult to try and understand myself
I feel like my mind is so complicated and my thoughts are complex
You enter my brain and you're stuck in this realm that is too difficult to escape
Time after time I continuously stop myself from thinking too much
Quit making up scenarios in my head
Quit revising old memories
Keep my past life from re-entering my mind negatively

I'm tired of being in this battle with myself daily
It's like time after time I burden my own self
How is that even possible?
Though you may already know..
The reason I am telling you this
Is because if you want to be with me
And if you want me..
Then you will also be stuck with this part of me.
Though I push myself further mentally everyday..
I still have this flaw of me overthinking the tiniest details
And bringing them up or keeping them quiet.
I am working on it, I promise you.
Just be patient.

I'm in love with the way you talk about your passion
How you are so invested in your music
Spending countless hours working on different songs
Adjusting them to perfection
I'm in love with the way you never doubt yourself
How you continuously say that you WILL be the best
I believe in you all the way
Supporting you alongside
I'm in love with you TJ
I'm in love with everything about you
How you constantly joke with things that should be taken serious
How you always put a smile to my face no matter what mood I'm in
I'm in love with you and I can't say it enough.

There's a stream that is flowing through my heart
With your blood running through instead of mine
And I don't mean this in a dependent way
I mean this in a way.. where.. you made life a whole lot better for me.

There's a stream that is flowing through my brain
With thoughts of you constantly running through
And I don't mean this in an odd manner
I mean.. where you're always on my mind, because you're mine.

There's a stream that is flowing through my soul
With your actions attached and running through
The way that you treat me is engraved into my body
Engraved to my soul.

From now on, whether we're together in the future or not,
I know how a man should treat me, and you've shown me that
You are an actual work of art
And I'm auctioning a part myself to you

I hope that you are mine for the rest of our lives
I was complete before I met you,
But you have filled my life with color
And to go on without you, would just be black and white
With shades of grey.

It's because we're so alike, like twin souls
Together in the past life, reunited in this one
You will carry my heart one day, and I trust you
Anytime I'm with you, I'm home.

Do you ever lay around and wonder how differently life would be if you and I never met?
Do you ever think that maybe things could have gone better or easier
Or even worse..
Do you ever see that maybe we were meant for each other at this point in time
Of both of our lives?
Maybe because we are both so self-attained to growth
Trying to become the best of the best
But also fulfill our own goals and make sure everyone around us is doing fine.
Do you ever realize how alike yet so different we are?
Maybe if we hadn't met
We wouldn't have known how we're supposed to feel
In a relationship like this
Or how we should be treated
And loved.. cared for.
But do you ever lay around and wonder.. if I'm the one made for you, for the future too?

Why am I always being doubted
Seems like for years I have been trying to redeem myself
Impress others by becoming my best self
Be proud of my own self, yet it seems like nothing works
To everyone I am a disappointment, a burden
And I am always going to be.
No matter how many times you may tell me that it's not true
Or that I'm a blessing, an angel.. I won't believe it.
I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of this cruelty of life
For years I have been searching for happiness, for years I was searching for my identity
I thought I found myself only to just lose myself again, like this is some cycle.
I'm writing this poem with tears in my eyes and pain devoted in my heart
I am hurting, and I've been hurting for a while
Yet I keep my feelings hidden for the satisfaction of others.
Why am I always living for others?
Is it so hard to just live and not worry about anything
It's like my anxiety finds the smallest reasons to feast through my mind
Nibble through my brain and leaving my heart torn
I am in pain, emotionally
I am in pain, physically
& I am in a lot of pain, mentally.

A day I wouldn't mind reliving, would be each consecutive weekend I would spend solely with my father
How each Saturday we would go watch the sunset and eat dinner at our favorite restaurants
How each Sunday would be our day where we would wake up early, and watch the sunrise together
Every single day that I had spent with my father, would be another day I want to relive
Every day that I've lived without, and continue to live without, is another day I want to dismiss.

My work is now published and being sold
I couldn't be more ecstatic
Buy it if you'd like
"Scarlet Rose and Growth" on Amazon

Love scares me
What's the point of it? The concept?
You love someone just for them to end up dead..
Or for them to leave you
Acting each day as if you were nothing for them

Or how about people putting on a show, acting like they care for your well-being
But all along, they just want to take your body
They want to destroy your peace just to use you
And the worst part of it all is..
Nobody understands.. because it's seen as a normality.
Toxic.

My mind is soaring like an airplane through the wanders of my thoughts like the clouds are in my arms.

My body is running through the marathon of the sea where I collect myself and try to fix everything that is wrong with me.

My soul is collectively draining tears and pulling bonds out of my skin and I am deeply in pain.

My heart is the centerpiece of my whole body, and I feel like I am at the end, like I'm crying for assistance through my emotions but my words are an example of unprovoked happiness.

I like to call the mind, body, soul, and heart, the four petals of the rose of growth.

Take care of yourself.

...If they took my voice

If they snatched my voice, my actions would speak
My heart would pull through, my body would express itself
They cannot cover my message,
Because my body asserts me too
And nobody can take that away
Even though some of these men try to.

You are my feather.
The soft, gentle heart that has been placed into my life
Only to help me grow and bring me relief
I feel calm, safe, loved when I'm around you
When I'm talking to you, when I'm thinking of you.
I believe that all our lives
We're subconsciously looking for home
And if we're really lucky..
We find it in someone's loving arms.
I guess I got lucky with you..

The things you do not share when you are dating someone new.

From my perspective.

When I begin dating someone new, my guard is built so high
You would need about 12 ladders just to grab the bottom
I may be transparent through my poetry, but with people that I am not completely comfortable with
It takes time.
You do not share true personal information.
You always begin to ask yourself and take notes on the little things, before you push deeper into your vulnerability.
You must always be cautious because we, as women, should expect the least out of most men.
We've been left, *****, sexually assaulted, and thrown in the dust from those we've cared for.
So when you begin dating someone new, make sure you understand them, and are aware of the intentions.

You want to know why I love poetry?
Because it is my escape.
My words will never get up and leave me
My thoughts will never mentally abuse me
My writing will never undermine me

You want to know why I love poetry?
Because it is my distraction.
My intrusion into reality
With the mindset that I have
And the personality that I carry
It's easy for anyone to overreach me

Sometimes I wish I didn't have my heart
Or my mind.. my thoughts
But how else would I have become a poet?

Your beauty amazes my mind.. your soul astounds my body
Everything about you.. is what I have been praying for this entire time
Where have you been my whole life?
I've been drowning in toxic relationships
Following the wrong paths
Searching above and below for someone to love me the way that you do
Without any complications or owed dues..
Listen, I don't know where you came from
Anyone who has loved you before me, I want to thank them
For helping shape you into the person you are today
But from here on out, you're mine to love.
I don't mean just for a few months.. I mean for as long as life keeps us together
I am going to bring plenty of joy into your world
Support you following your dreams, and hold you accountable
This right here.. will be a healthy relationship.
A rose being caressed by a feather.

The first time I felt my heart break.. I had disowned myself
Constantly facing towards the past to understand what I had done wrong
Was it me or something I did?
I felt so disappointed in my own self that I let her go
She didn't know her worth and relied on a man to show her
That was her first mistake
She gave him superiority to the point where
He was able to manipulate her emotions
Tossing her around, acting like she was a doll..
That was her second mistake
I could go on and on about how she threw herself into situations
That would only cause her more pain
But why should I do that, when I've let go?
I am not her anymore.. she is dead.
This new me.. will never rely on a man
Not just a man, she will never let another PERSON carry her upon this path of life
Because she is strong, she has been through too much
To look down at her own self and see failure.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself, and I easily begin to hate myself
Other times I believe deeply in my success, and I love myself
You always wonder why I constantly ask for your reassurance
Instead of waiting for you to provide it to me.
Well the truth is, my whole life I was never given these words
I've always had to ask for them, beg for them
I was never given a true "I'm proud"
Or a true "I love you"
It was always just a slap on the thigh to shut me up
Because no one has ever really appreciated me
So to those who give attention to me,
I need their words, I need their attention
I fall for reassurance, I fall for your words and your passion
It hurts me each time I feel proud of myself,
Yet no one around me is
For my whole life I was waiting for the approval of others to feel a way about myself
Yet you've showed me different.
You've showed me to be proud of myself regardless of whoever thinks,
And I just want to let you know that I'm still working on it.
I'm still trying to improve myself day by day.
I promise you I'm trying.

You make me calm when I'm angry
Make me joyous when I'm upset
Make me laugh when I want to cry
The moment you stepped foot into my life
It felt as if everything had just flipped upside down
You believed in me
And supported me when no one else did
Pushed me further when no one else did
When I'm with you it feels like time flies so fast
Yet when we're apart, time goes by painfully slow.
My favorite that you've taught me
Whether you realized it or not..
Is that I don't need you, but I do want you.
I'm good without you, and I will always be..
But you coming into my life was a blessing.

How do you find the energy, to do the things you do on the daily
As well as put up with me.
How do you find the energy, to push me further everyday, while pushing yourself?
How do you find the energy, to maintain your own emotions, as well as helping me with mine?
I'm going to be honest, I don't know how you do it all, but I am so happy that I found you
More than that, I'm happy that you are in my life
As my lover.

My thoughts are tired of themselves
The aching of my brain equates to the pain fixated into my body..
The softness in my soul..
The lack of empathy that everybody has around me
The voice that is caught in my throat
Is screaming for therapy
I am shivering but it isn't cold outside
I am sleeping from daylight to the night
I am losing my complete appetite
My body, mind, soul, and heart are all frozen
How am I supposed to grow when my petals are in captivity
Please help me..
Please come and get into my shoes.

I like to blame the reason of my despair on school
When in reality, it's you.
I sit here and reminisce old memories
And I feel pain.. like a blade cutting into my skin
People ask me if I'm okay
Each day it's the same reaction, the same response
"Yes I'm fine, just tired."
Or "My education is draining me."
But then I think is it really?
What I want to say is, "I'm hurt." "I'm in pain." and "I need help"
But the only words that come out of my mouth is..
"I'm just tired."

I am in this room full of people, yet I feel so alone.
It seems like there are high expectations and judgments placed all around me
To be in a place meant to be overflowed with happiness, flipped upside down and viewed in a negative state.
To be among the crowds and be able to face the fear of their power
The ability to be able to weigh you down with just a single touch.
I am in this room full of people, who claim they care for me
Who constantly remind me that they're here for me,
Yet I feel so alone.
I feel like I am swarmed by this constant presence of hatred and disgust
I feel like a monster among my peers, destroying peace as it comes to my touch
I feel like I do not even know myself, so how am I supposed to sit here
And feel joyful in a room cramped with hundreds of strangers...
Including myself.

I want you to know something -
I love the way you express your feelings
Even though it takes a while for you to get there
I don't know if it's because you're scared
Or maybe it's because you just don't express emotions
But when you do, it makes my heart warm
Hearing your soothing voice in my ear, telling me what you love about me
Makes me feel loved and safe.

Give me time.. I am in despair
I cannot breathe and my lungs are filled with affliction and discomfort
The disarray of my tears is the representation of my illness
My time is escaping me
My heart is pulsating faster than ever before
It's like I'm lumbered into this room with myself and 300 unknowns
But somehow I look around and still feel like I'm alone
I am in utter disappointment
My tears have fallen and I am completely shaken
Everyday it's like I'm fighting this balance with myself.. fighting for my identity
Even my tears are drowning in water
Even my lungs are finding it hard to breathe
And even my heart is pulling itself apart.

Love..
What is it?

My parents were deeply in 'love'
The smile they had on their faces
Each day..
The love was shown within their vitality
But then you look at the other side
Where the grass isn't so green and the sky isn't so blue
My friend was having affairs
My cousin was being abused

What is love?
Because if I'm going to risk my peace & stability
I need to know that he's ready for me
That I'm going to get the positive energy
Constantly

I don't know what love is but I'm scared of it

I lost all of my beliefs
Since the day that I lost my father
And only the Lord is helping with my grief
What if the world is hopeless
And I tell you that I am scared to be alone?
What if humanity is done for and we're all surviving solely?
It's just a story.. or a dream
But I see the message within the idea of truth
I know things are beautiful and there are good hearts
Despite this, I am still on my own
I've been ill-treated by most so I've come to that point
Where I'm not afraid to be alone anymore.. in fact..
Please leave me by myself and my thoughts.
I just want to be alone.

February 16th, 2020
This was the day we first met, the day that this all began
Though neither of us knew it at the time,
I had a feeling you were going to be someone special in my life.
The way you spoke, with such a soft tone
The feeling I had when I was next to you, like I was safe
The conversations we had, and not to mention the connection.
It was two days after Valentines, on a Sunday, around 10 at night.
I remember these details, because they are special to me.
I don't understand how I can recall these little things, but it is a blessing.
You are special to me.
I never knew I wanted you deeper than your **** inside of me.
I never knew I wanted your full heart instead of just your *****
I never knew I was starting to fall for you.
Things had become clearer the second night we had met
I was constantly forcing myself out of those thoughts
The thoughts like "what if we were together"
Or "**** I kinda like this man"
I was immediately pulling myself out of these discussions that were being placed back in forth in my mind
Because what if you hadn't felt the same
And I was just placing myself into a position..
Where I was going to get hurt?

Little did I know.. that me expressing my feelings towards you, to you..
Would bring me this joyous little relationship that we have going
Little did I know.. that meeting you on the 16th of February, would cause us to become closer
Little did I know.. that I would start falling in love with you.

Confusion surrounds my mind at all times
I'm constantly in thought, asking questions that nobody knows the answers to
Being curious about socially taboo topics.
Now let me ask you -

Why are we so cruel to one another?
Why do we look at one human being and expect one thing, yet face a whole other with lowered expectations?
Why is the bar set so high for certain people, yet for others it's **** near on the ground?
Why is the education system such a failure, especially for those who are needing to learn?
Why do the rich get more aid from the government, rather than those who are suffering in poverty?
Why are there men and women that cannot control their own hormones, placing themselves in human beings that do not want to be ****** with them.. out in the streets?
Why are there 'offenders' locked up for having psychedelics but there are known rapists roaming the streets with provided evidence?
Why are Caucasians not seen as criminals, being shown as having mental illnesses but African Americans are being shot for taking a stroll with a hoodie on?
Matter of fact why is racism so prominent in this age.. this generation, where we have been known to overcome our past differences?
Why are muslims being seen as terrorists when the biggest terrorist known to mankind is the white man?
Why are immigrants being spread apart from their families, just for trying to search for a better opportunity in a new country?

Let me make this clear with all of you..
But this isn't even half of what I'm confused about.

The things I have left behind, are the characteristics of my past self
The toxicity, the pain, the anger
The rage that was constantly staked into my heart
The despair of the baggage I had left upon my peers
The hate I had in my heart for my own self.
I never knew how terrible things were until I got to a better state mentally
So as soon as I was able to, I left my past self behind
And I grew into this new girl
With love in her heart towards everyone surrounding her
And even better..
Love for her own self.
The hate and anger was replaced by positivity and joy.

You put your ear to the ground and you listen to the suffering of the humans placed beneath us
How they are living in Hell.. warning us about the pain that is afflicted upon them
Telling us to fall onto the right path of life, so we do not end up in the same position
Warning us to get closer to God, and do right with your peers.

You put your ear to the ground and you hear the joy of the humans bestowed above us
How they are living in Heaven.. guiding us along the way
So we are not led astray by the nonbelievers, ending up exactly as them
Aiding us with our religion and spirituality.

You put your ear to the ground and you can vision the enjoyment and the beauty of life
How these moments are passing quickly, and we do not have enough
So quit worrying about the future
And live today.
In the present.

I feel like I've been the hardest to love
I have been drowning in tears
Surrounded by lust and manipulation
I've been placed into this mindset where all men act the same
That they are heartless creatures just searching for pleasure
Maybe it was because I'm just too difficult for a man to love me
Too many traumatic experiences and deep emotions..
They try to let me go and I can feel it
I am a burden upon them, a negative addiction placed onto their hearts
Maybe that's why men lust me
Because they still get a part of me.. without the constant anchor weighing them
Below the shores and strained into that depressive state
Who knows..
Maybe I'm just hard to love.

My soul is impatient
My body is shaken
Give me time for minutes is all I need.. but I don't have enough
I'm young but time is escaping me
My own self is generally disabling me
Wasted signs, wasted rhymes, wasted cries

All the time that was given and the pain that was forsaken towards you
Through all the emotional wounds and discomfort , I still forgive you
But the time.. that is something that I can never get back
All that while that has been misspent on you

Sadly now I'm just on my own.

"You'll be okay"

1. A phrase to minimize the stories told to those battling inner fights, distancing from the tales of being caught in between the pain and negativity.

2. Lies that have resurfaced to the face of the earth, repeated to each other over.. and over.. and over again.

3. The meanings of raw feelings being hidden inside the tombs of depression.. and anxiety.

4. Words that are constantly spoken, to each and every person, becoming desensitized as many more times as it is told.

5. What if everything is not going to be okay, and we all lay around in pools of white lies that we make up our own selves.

6. How hard is it to tell someone that if they do not feel mentally stable, that there are hearts surrounding the circles of heavy thoughts and burdening emotions, sources available to assist one another.

7. These are words spoken to one another in any event, any situation. Just so others can say they had tried to help those that are stuck in their tedious minds, unraveling as the seconds pass by.

8. How those around us only care for the show, and never actually purely from the heart.

9. The cold feeling you get inside of your heart because you are numb to these expressions, a persistent train of thought that lingers in the back of your mind as a weight instead of a benefit.

10. If you speak of the simple term of being "okay" or "fine," then why do you sit in the corner of your room, yelling into the pillows and drowning your tears in tissues every single night?

It's your heart that gets me every time
The way you are so soft spoken
Intelligent
Kind
Loving
Honest.
I could go on and on about your characteristics and what makes you, you.
But let's talk about the things I love the most about you.
Yes I love your personality, but even more than that..
I'm in love with your motivation
I'm in love with you having your own goals, and each present day you push yourself even just an inch closer
You are determined in being successful
I believe in you, I support you
But baby most of all, I'm so ******* proud of you.
I want to be surrounded by you.

It's come to the point where I have become practically obsessed with you
You're the only thing that stays running through my mind everyday
Your words are constantly being repeated into my ears with bliss
The image of you looking at me with love is engraved into the back of my eyes
Not to mention anytime I think about your ***** being inserted inside of me, I crave you
I want all of you, every little part.
From your head to your toes.
The beauties and the flaws, the hurt and the heal.
I don't know why I fell so hard for you
And why it happened so quickly.
I don't understand how something that was so simple
Ended up to be a complex series of happiness.
I need you in my life, and if we weren't to see this through..
Just like you said, I would definitely regret it too.

Trust is a beautiful thing when earned.
It is not given not is it easy to give.
Traumatic experiences from past years cause the both of us to doubt one another..
To be afraid and keep the wall guarded high between each other.
But I just want to tell you -
That this is something that we will get through together..
I understand I need to earn your trust and I am completely okay with that because I want you in my life.. as mine.
I want every part of you.. from your mind to your ***.
From your heart to your soul.
And my actions as well as my words will be the proof.
Same for me.. though you don't necessarily try too hard,
My trust is becoming open with you
Each day I get to becoming more transparent towards you
One day, you'll see through me completely clearly.
I'm learning to trust you, and get comfortable with you
And I know you are doing the same..
We're doing this together and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am in the fourth grade..
Excited for what joyous memories come ahead.
I'm ready for the traumatic experiences in my life.
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Though I'm in the fourth grade my mindset is well past those my age
I am excited for the nights out with my friends
I'm ready to be successful and rich
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Being in the fourth grade..my teachers have taught me to slow down
Take things day by day, step by step, minute by minute
Because once this time is gone, I can't go back
I'm learning to take their advice, and I'm loving the fourth grade.

You are the light to my tunnel, the sun to my darkness
You are the food to my body, the breath to my lungs
You are the art to my soul, the poetry to my mind
You are the rose to my beauty, the rose of my heart.
Anytime you need me, I will be here for you
Don't worry about me, more so be there for yourself
Don't ever doubt my words even in times that are blue
As you know, baby, bruises don't last forever
But when they arrive onto your skin, take your time and heal
I will always be here, supporting you from the sidelines, the crowds
But you need you more than I need you
Take care of yourself, beloved.

I want to thank your mother for giving birth to such a beautiful and kindhearted man
I want to thank your childhood for the growth into making you become the person you are today
But most importantly, I want to thank you.
The day you entered my life, was a time full of blessings
Who knew one little message could spark a light of joy between two humans?
Who knew that two people with no intentions of being together..ended with becoming a couple?
I am most gracious of having a man that is not only understanding and caring,
A man that not only supports and communicates, but pushes me to do better each and everyday
Your reassurance is the beauty I need within my mind
Your emotions became the connections of us, as a pair
You are such a blessing, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise
Either way, I'll still be here to give you the world
No matter whether it's in the dark or the day
I promise you, I'm here to stay.

When I look into your eyes I see your promises
The ones that you have kept in your mind, but have never said out loud.
I see you tell yourself that you never want to hurt me, and that you want to love me.
I see that you're afraid but deep down, you trust me.
Though it's something you might not want to admit, or maybe it's something you don't realize yourself -
I see through you
How do you think I fell for you?
How do you think I really trust you?
I know you -

When I look into your eyes I see a man that wants to give me all of his love
But is being held back by boundaries of distance
Guards held up, fears soaring through your mind
But I view that each day, you fall harder for me
I notice that each day, you want me more and more
Each and every single day, you'll be here to stay.
I look into your eyes and I see a soft feather caressing a bruised rose
I look into your eyes and I'm sure that a great artist has dipped her brush into your soul, and used it to bring us together
Lastly, when I look into your eyes, I see a million stars up in the sky, and I see your love for me peaking through.
I spent my days waiting for someone exactly like you.

An apology that I will never receive, but I wish I did.

This goes for many people..
The family members I had grown with who abused me mentally
The boys who thought it was okay to touch me, take me without my consent
The men that were in my past that would abuse me, manipulate me
Myself.. for hating me.

My mother would always call me a burden, a pain in the ***
The reason my father passed
Because I caused him too much stress
My brothers would beat me mentally over small issues, any instances where I hadn't fallen into their path

The boys that treated me so brutally
Beating me, ****** me, leaving me
The boys who thought it was just fine to get hard
While I'm suffering and hurting
While I was stuck in pain, trying to escape

The men that would fake attempt suicide, just to **** up with me another time
A fourth time.. a fifth time.. sixth time..
The men that would constantly push me further and further towards the edge
Yet when I was about to leave, they'd regret their actions and pull me back to them

Myself.. for my putting my own self into situations that would only cause me more pain
Myself.. for hurting my own self and disregarding my own emotions just for the satisfaction of others
Myself.. for not knowing my worth and disrespecting my own self by going back to everything that hurt me
Myself.. for not being there for me.

I write this with pain in my heart and my voice caught in my throat.
I often wonder why I never stand up for myself, why am I constantly pushed around?
By lovers, by family, by friends.
Am I the issue? I couldn't be.. I give my heart to everyone I meet
So maybe that's the problem.. I'm too kind
I'm too giving.. I'm too caring.
Why don't I put myself over others for once?
Why do I continously put myself into positions where I grieve over people who don't even think of me?
People who have never checked up on me, who don't care for me.
Why am I so kind and loving to the wrong people, yet afraid and nonchalant with those I should be treating with love?
I don't understand me, I don't understand why I do what I do
Why I am the way that I am
I wish that I was less loving to others, and there for myself more
Each day that passes, that I'm in this environment
Stuck with people who only care about me for the show of the community, rather than their own hearts
I feel like I am losing myself more and more
I feel like a disappointment, I feel like a burden
I feel like I'm in pain, I feel like I'm hurting
Sometimes I just feel that I could end it all
Be reunited with the only human that has ever loved me correctly,
My father. Of course he's dead though right.

Lately I haven't been able to comprehend how I feel. It's like I'm in this realm of tranquility but also disruption of peace. I thought I found myself a few months ago, I believed that I had regained self-identity. Recently I haven't been able to identify my own mind in the conscious of chaos. As the days pass by, as the rain pours down against my skin harder and faster, as the communities get sickly, it becomes more difficult to separate myself from the crowd. My visage has flipped from being joyous to depressive. One moment I'm in utter happiness and the next I suffer from constant panicking. Searching for  approval around me has caught me to realize that I was never enough nor will I ever be. God gives me this reminder, that I am needed as a glow, a radiance. Let me be your light.

Every single week, it's the same routine
I work all day, ready to come home
By the weekends I am drained, depleted, deprived of vitality
Sometimes I wonder why I am not like the others..
Why I don't take time for myself.. relax with myself
But most importantly..
Why am I not proud of myself?
It seems like everyday is a new battle against my emotions
But the results stay the same.. depression.
I tell myself that I would rather fight through the stress and vibrancy
Just to hear you say you're proud of me
Even just once.. but then I think deeper
I analyze my own actions and constantly ponder at the thought that..
I am never proud of myself.
I degrade my own capabilities.
I pray for my own downfalls.
Give me your time, space, and energy
You aren't my enemy.. my enemy is me.

2 years ago, November 5th, 2017.
I was beaten and ***** by a man that I did not even know.
A man that thought it was okay to take my body, without my consent.
A man that thought it was okay to drug my drink, so I would be unconscious while he gets his pleasure.
A man that thought it was just fine to punch me, scratch me, hit my head against hard surfaces every time I would attempt to get away from him.
I still have scars remaining.

A few months ago, October 3rd, 2019.
I was sexually assaulted by a man that claimed he cared for me.
A man that thought it was okay to feel on me, against my will.
A man that thought it was okay to pull me closer, as I'm moving away.
A man that thought it was just fine to get angry when I would yell "no" and "stop".
I still have scars remaining.

Yet time after time, we blame the victim
Maybe it was what she/he was wearing.
Maybe it was how she/he was acting.
Maybe she/he deserved it, and it taught them a lesson.
This mentality is so close-minded, so toxic for the environment
Not only that, but it is completely disrespectful. Morally wrong.

This cycle will not stop without help and support for each other.
& To anyone else who has experienced something similar,
You are strong. This does not define you.
I love you.

When I vision you holding me tight in between your arms
Being my shoulder when times may get difficult
My best friend, my lover
I get happy to know
That there is love out there for me
There is someone that sees my worth, and likes me for me.
I'm excited to form new memories with you
Go on dates with you, run errands with you, spend nights with you
Wake up next to you, love on you.
I'm excited to be together with my person, and show him the love that I've been holding inside, ready to burst upon you.
You are a true blessing to me, soon to be my boyfriend.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

In the wintertime I crave affection
In the summertime I crave being solo
In the fall and spring I go with the flow
Now how's that supposed to work
When I'm supposed to keep a lifelong partner
When I'm supposed to be in 'love'
When I'm supposed to devote the rest of my life to marry this person
But I grow out of my feelings so quickly
I hope to learn and understand my emotions deeper
So I can show the affection that I give myself..
To my partner. Because after all, that is my husband
For the rest of my life