I have some questions for you -

How would you feel if I did the same **** to you?
How would you feel if I destroyed your peace and left you?
How would you feel if I wasted not only your time, but your energy just with my presence?

When you're ready to give me a response for the deeds you've done, I'm right here willing to listen

Because after all..
I'm still praying for your well-being.

2 years ago, November 5th, 2017.
I was beaten and ***** by a man that I did not even know.
A man that thought it was okay to take my body, without my consent.
A man that thought it was okay to drug my drink, so I would be unconscious while he gets his pleasure.
A man that thought it was just fine to punch me, scratch me, hit my head against hard surfaces every time I would attempt to get away from him.
I still have scars remaining.

A few months ago, October 3rd, 2019.
I was sexually assaulted by a man that claimed he cared for me.
A man that thought it was okay to feel on me, against my will.
A man that thought it was okay to pull me closer, as I'm moving away.
A man that thought it was just fine to get angry when I would yell "no" and "stop".
I still have scars remaining.

Yet time after time, we blame the victim
Maybe it was what she/he was wearing.
Maybe it was how she/he was acting.
Maybe she/he deserved it, and it taught them a lesson.
This mentality is so close-minded, so toxic for the environment
Not only that, but it is completely disrespectful. Morally wrong.

This cycle will not stop without help and support for each other.
& To anyone else who has experienced something similar,
You are strong. This does not define you.
I love you.

I write this with pain in my heart and my voice caught in my throat.
I often wonder why I never stand up for myself, why am I constantly pushed around?
By lovers, by family, by friends.
Am I the issue? I couldn't be.. I give my heart to everyone I meet
So maybe that's the problem.. I'm too kind
I'm too giving.. I'm too caring.
Why don't I put myself over others for once?
Why do I continously put myself into positions where I grieve over people who don't even think of me?
People who have never checked up on me, who don't care for me.
Why am I so kind and loving to the wrong people, yet afraid and nonchalant with those I should be treating with love?
I don't understand me, I don't understand why I do what I do
Why I am the way that I am
I wish that I was less loving to others, and there for myself more
Each day that passes, that I'm in this environment
Stuck with people who only care about me for the show of the community, rather than their own hearts
I feel like I am losing myself more and more
I feel like a disappointment, I feel like a burden
I feel like I'm in pain, I feel like I'm hurting
Sometimes I just feel that I could end it all
Be reunited with the only human that has ever loved me correctly,
My father. Of course he's dead though right.

Put your whole faith into me
I am worth it but more importantly I am determined
Fixated on your pleasure and satisfaction
I am earnest and idyllic
I don't need to prove it to you, I just need an hour
Just like my peers, you'll see right through me
But if only you had the time..
I mean.. If only you took the time.

You put your ear to the ground and you listen to the suffering of the humans placed beneath us
How they are living in Hell.. warning us about the pain that is afflicted upon them
Telling us to fall onto the right path of life, so we do not end up in the same position
Warning us to get closer to God, and do right with your peers.

You put your ear to the ground and you hear the joy of the humans bestowed above us
How they are living in Heaven.. guiding us along the way
So we are not led astray by the nonbelievers, ending up exactly as them
Aiding us with our religion and spirituality.

You put your ear to the ground and you can vision the enjoyment and the beauty of life
How these moments are passing quickly, and we do not have enough
So quit worrying about the future
And live today.
In the present.

I feel like my thoughts are turning against me
Sometimes I feel like I am not able to control them
My fears have become so rooted that I..
I became afraid of myself.

Every year, every day, every minute, every second
Is a whole new battle with myself and with my tears
I am tired of constantly dealing with the pain
The hurt that is lingering around the bottom of my waist trickling all the way up to the edge of my ears

My heart is in pain, and it has been like this for a while
But nobody really cares until it's the end of time
Nobody understands until you are a hashtag, or just a photo
Maybe even an unsolved case, like this is some sort of a game
A joystick ride for media to gain advantage of you

I am in pain, surprising to tell, but lately everything has been so blue
But who the hell is going to sit with me
And help me with what I need to get through
Yeah.. that's right.. nobody.

I am so afraid of messing up with you
I feel like one wrong step could drop everything between us
I am scared of pain, of getting hurt
Yet over the month and a half that we have been getting to know one another
That fear is slowly fading away, and my wall towards you has been broken down completely
Though I still have small instances here and there
Where I constantly worry about the wrong things
Rather than listen to your words of reassurance
I am glad that you understand me, because you **** near read me
I am blessed to have someone that I can actually trust with just about anything
And though I may still doubt myself, your words of reassurance is what catches me
You are my biggest supporter, and I am yours.
I am so proud of you TJ.

The day you told me that I will be safe with you
That you will make me blossom into a beautiful woman
An artist with support for his lover
I had this feeling in the core of my heart
That has been pushing to be released
Yet I keep these emotions hidden deep inside of me
Because what if I'm mistaking myself.. and I don't feel that way?
Or even worse.. what if you don't?
I am stuck in this reality trying to figure out how this relationship will begin.. and continue
Right person, wrong time
But we're still going to make it work.. time doesn't control us
And I promise you..
The day that I say those three words to you
Is going to be a special moment between us
Because the amount of times I've been aching to tell you
Yet I force myself not to..
You'll know I mean it.

In the wintertime I crave affection
In the summertime I crave being solo
In the fall and spring I go with the flow
Now how's that supposed to work
When I'm supposed to keep a lifelong partner
When I'm supposed to be in 'love'
When I'm supposed to devote the rest of my life to marry this person
But I grow out of my feelings so quickly
I hope to learn and understand my emotions deeper
So I can show the affection that I give myself..
To my partner. Because after all, that is my husband
For the rest of my life

The only thing in between me and this degree,
Is the tears, the diligence, the frustration.
But then I envision the future
While reminiscing about the past..
Would it really be so shallow,  day by day..
If I ceased and made today be my last?
Or should I continue to pursue.. and become viable to the economy
Sometimes it feels like a challenge of eternity
But obtaining energy to make it to the end..
Is the accomplishment of a lifetime.
I'm proud of me, and I hope you are too.

I hope I make it out of here
This feels like a dungeon of disbelief
An anomaly, a disparity..from what I'm used to
Isn't it lovely?
How the sky can be so sunny
And the oceans can be so blue
Yet the mind can be in tormented agony
And the heart fails to fall through

I remember the first time we had met.
The first time we laid eyes on each other as you were on the way to my home
How I had felt so nervous, but excited
I remember I didn't want more than a small fling
Couple of pleasure runs then we're both on our way to a different path
..Well that was before

When you came, sitting right in front of me
Talking about all sorts of creative topics that we were both passionate about
Music, poetry, art, trauma, etc.
It felt as if I've told you before
It felt.. natural
Normally I don't express any vulnerability but with you..it was like I was calling home.
Later that night, we had gotten our pleasure and you spent the night
Even then, it felt beautiful, and I was safe in your arms.

In the morning I had awaken to you getting out of the bed, and you took a shower in my home
Something so simple yet.. it felt natural.. like home.
I remember the vision of you in the shower while I was brushing my teeth and how we were so comfortable with one another, just after the first day we had met.
You had waited for me to get ready, so we could both leave around the same time
And I knew you were special.

From that day on, I knew you were the person I wanted
Though I hesitated, I was catching feelings for you more and more as we kept spending time together
Just being in your presence made me instantly joyous.
I wish we could relive that day all over again, but I'm more than excited for the future.
You are my person.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who gave me the time of his day
Visualized me of the thoughts going through his mind
Things started off well
What I had expected in the beginning turned out to be the unexpected
To this day.. things are going very well
I feel like the girl who is the most loved
I feel like the princess that is being circled around by the prince
I feel like I am surrounded by an angel
That angel is you
You are a dream
A dream that I never want to wake up from
You are perfection.. I am in heaven
And the only thing I want around me
Is your presence filled with your love.
For you to be by my side forever, I am grateful.

- 01/18/2020

Lately I've been overjoyed
It's like I got out of this box
Of depression and helplessness
I overcome my biggest enemy
Which was myself
Now I'm my own best friend
And it makes me feel .. worried
Consciously I am afraid of myself
Unconsciously I am afraid of the world
I am afraid of people and their power
To destroy my mental health
My abilities, my thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am taken advantage of
For my words, for my talents
When I am in need there is no one around
I am uncared for
Maybe it's time for me to not be around
Now how do you think I feel?

- 01/18/2020

When we're together, I feel like I'm at home
As you've probably heard and you will continue to.
The connection we've had since the beginning
Is something I've never stumbled upon
That is why I call you such a blessing
The time I needed someone like you the most.. you came
When I was needing to be pushed with my poetic talent
When I was needing someone who understands me
Someone who listens to me.. doesn't give up on me.. you came.
You are truly a big blessing in my life and I am never going to deny it
God placed you into my life while I was searching for someone like you subconsciously
And each and every day I'm more thankful.
I've grown more within these past two months than I've grown in some years
And that's only because I got everything I had been begging for, for years.
So I'll say this over and over again
Until it gets engraved into your brain.
Thank you.

If healing made a home in my body.. it'd be living inside of my heart.
The love I infuse into different souls
The process of healing would be a fool to surround itself anywhere else
You see.. healing is like a rose
Look closer, you see the agony, discomfort
Look from afar, you vision through the pain
When it is given attention to.. watered..
It blooms with grace, with elegance, in awe.
So if healing made a home inside of my body
Its first resort would be to reach an area that can be in the greatest deal of pain
Yet hold the most beauty
And that is my heart.

I want to start this off by saying thank you
I want to begin with kind words and heartful emotions
Do you know the impact you have on my life?
It's only been such little time
But even then
I feel so strongly
My heart is aching.. but it is aching with joy
Which is.. new to me
I've always been accustomed to pain
I guess now I feel more pain with the joy
But each day we communicate
Every minute we are with each other
On the phone
Through the phone
I feel your warmth
The safety with your arms around me
A blessing.

- 01/18/2020

I don't understand how these universities
Can sit around on their ***** acting like they care about issues
About racism, discrimination, ****** assault, etc.
But when you are hit by these things as a student
And you go file reports.. you go talk to people who may help
You wait.. keep waiting
..and keep waiting
For nothing to happen.. for no things to change
It makes absolutely no sense
Why would you want to go to a school that shows as if they care
As if you matter to them.. like you aren't some atm
But then you realize
This is college
A representation of the real world
Where people are only money-hungry and don't care.

-01/18/2020