The Noose

The Noose Oct 2013

I remember how the  sensations inside my head would get too much
It felt like acid was eating the inside of my brain
How I felt like I had reached the end of my road
You felt so helpless seeing me in that state
A medical mystery
This disease was having it's way with me
Science had failed me
All we could do was  kneel and pray

I remember the nights when all I could do was cry
You would check if I was still breathing as I slept
How you would literally hold my arm throughout the night
Not wanting to let me go
Facing the other side, I could sense your fear of losing me
Your daughter
I was slipping away

Mum, do you remember the drives we took to take my mind off it all?
Lazy afternoons, the sun burning and us feeling completely deleted by it
Playing the song "Conspiracy" on a loop
The line “explain to me this conspiracy against me” spoke volumes to me
What had I done to deserve such an illness
You hated that song but it grew on you and it became our song
well... at least I'd like to make myself believe

Closure I never got
There was never a diagnosis, it went away on it's own
The cruelty of it
Now I live in the confines of fear
what if it comes back again?
I fear I would not have the strength to fight it

I can still smell the inside of the hospital, which had become my second home
I can still taste the  medication on my tongue
The pills I got fed, do you remember?
How they sent me off the rails
How I grew dependent

It has been 2 years since I "healed"
Convinced I left a piece of myself back there
I'll never get that part of me back.
I am not even supposed to be here
Saved by grace.

The Noose Oct 2013

Devoured

You dance with wolves and wonder why you’re hurting
Life plans you have made,
How are you going to accomplish them when you can’t even face a meal
Stuck in your permanent temporary
Closing your mind to the possibility that you might not get more
Much like denial, wrapped around your psyche….
So it doesn’t freeze to the death in the night
Afraid to face yourself, what you have become
This lifeless girl with an aura drenched in blood
You perpetuate this shell of a person

Confined in darkness, that offers you contentment, no more
Alone at night alone with your own mind you slip into the darkness like a blanket to shield your dying heart
The illusion, this is no shield
You are being devoured
Tuck yourself in, this is all you'll ever know

The road you took alone led you here,
And here is nowhere

The Noose Oct 2013

Everything has to go

The walls of my own world are collapsing
I can only look on and beg for it to end soon
This is what I now want
A celebration
To move forward what I have must be destroyed

These walls are no longer a refuge
They keep me hidden
Melodies echoing in the background keeping me afloat
Trouble will start when the music stops
Brick by brick the walls are tumbling, rapidly now
Quickly! I take the parts of myself I desire to leave with me.. to leave those versions of myself I despise behind... Leave the disorder behind, Leave the delusions behind.
For how long must I collect my own tears, Everything has to go

Not reinvention no, merely stepping inside of myself.

The Noose Oct 2013

Among gods

Remains of who I was are splattered back down the long winding road
Breadcrumbs I subconsciously left to follow back to myself are long gone
Blown away by the wind

Feet stuck in the grit
Soon I will be in motion
Motivated by what maybe a delusion

One hurdle crossed
A thousand more to go
Miles to go before I can breath
Many many miles to go
My spirit is waiting for me on the other side
The beginning of a whole new life
Body will meet soul
I will be whole
I will find glory
So I can move among gods.

The Noose Oct 2013

No words

It is not with words I can express what I am feeling
I can't splatter my anger all over the page
Heaving out my anger face to face
Settling the final score
This beast is ugly

Filled and driven by hate for one person, I would gladly dance to the sound of a rock song on this person's grave
Murdered my soul
The air is too thick, I can't breath when they are around
I despise them
I wish one could erase one's blood

I want to scream but nobody will hear me and if they do, I can't be helped
Everything is dark again, that tiny spark of light that was once within my reach is gone

All of my hopes and dreams pull me back down onto the ground
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life,
The prime of my youth
so ******* tired
It feels as though I have lived for a thousand years.

The Noose Oct 2013

Will it?

If I place a wish in my heart and believe in it with all of my heart, will it come true?

If I reach out my hand farther and farther, will I get what I deserve... Will it not slip from my fingers?

If I step out of the dark, will the light completely delete me?

If I promise to breath will all of this disappear?
If I let go of all the troubles that weigh me down, will the wind carry me away to a better place?

The Noose Oct 2013

I still

The result seems so far removed from all of my efforts to get here
The chase has been accomplished, but....
The void is still unfilled
My head still full of thoughts
The darkness still drips in through the holes
Unsatisfaction
Sorrow still lingers
Why is it so
It's as though I have forgotten all that I put myself through, all my efforts

Weary of standing on the edge of this tight rope, it's getting old
I'm getting old(er)
At some point I have to let go of my conflictions but some things never fall away

My life at present is doing the exact opposite of falling apart
but I still am.