This land I have been in,
I ache for it
My heart has never ached for something like this.. that terrifies me
Being there will be some of confirmation that I have made it
Maybe just maybe I could be a human there
Affected by nothing and everything all at the same time
That in-between state always eludes me

I am back
Once more into the cage
Everything is the same as it was when I left
My old tracksuit on my bed, the shiny porcelain tiles, white curtains, polka dot duvet
Something about this familiarity is overwhelming
I clean up the mess I made before I left... try to convince myself that it isn't so bad all the while crossing my fingers tightly for that trap door to appear from nowhere

I felt like I was somebody when I was there
I felt significant
I was somebody else, someone I should be
I was a person among people
I belonged

Now I feel completely depleted, even more so than before.

I am in a state again
I cannot decide whether I want to press the blade against my skin for old times sake... Catharsis... I can almost taste that feeling again
Or whether I want to grab my chest and rip myself apart for the contents in this heart of mine to spill so I can expose my actual self

My head is filled with a plethora of incessant thoughts of impending doom
Something is brewing inside of me
The visceral part of me knows it will surface
It will happen, I have resigned myself to the fact
The collapse, the one that will be the end of me.

I can't function as a normal person and I don't know how or when that happened
I am fueled by nothing
It's a miracle I am still breathing
This was never my intention
I did not sign up for this, like everybody else

I feel a part of myself morphing into  that person I never thought I would ever be and now I can't even recognize who I actually am
I am afraid to face myself... face my reality
How much more of myself will I shed before I become someone else completely
Or maybe I'm shedding it all to become what is authentically me
However it is, I just want to feel comfortable in this skin that's apparently, mine.

I am afraid of ambitions becoming a memory
Time is moving fast... Much faster these days
I am scratching away relentlessly from sheer impatience
Waiting for that opportunity to reveal itself.

Reaching out for something bigger than me
I don't believe in who I am
I believe in the person I am trying to be
I want to be the person I deserve to be
Altering the self, who am I again

I can't understand how some people are so alive within such a small existence they can't think of anything more than living in it or creating
something outside of it.
Have they grown so complacent so much so they delude themselves into thinking they have everything they could ever want.
This constant state of want and longing has left me a stranger to myself
Perhaps if I wasn't so ambitious I'd happy
I am "happy"....  sometimes... that person is a  heightened version of me I can never keep.
Forever ricocheting from extreme ecstasy to extreme sorrow
It is imperative I find an in-between lest I rattle myself apart... Again

Just because I have air in my lungs does not mean I am alive
Mere existence, nothing more
My eyes reflect what's underneath, I am dead
No amount of fire could make this heart of mine come alive
My head aches
My hopes... Old
Dreams... Frail
And yet I still hold on

Shedding parts of myself in the hope of being someone other than who I am..what I am... If I am someone or something at all

The hand that I have been dealt is the toughest of them all
Some breeze through life
I don't...
Did I have a choice?
Predisposed to be disordered
I didn't have a choice

My head is infested with relentless demons I did not create
They are running the show
They keep multiplying
I can't do this anymore
I have tipped over the edge
I am falling down into nothing