to this day,
your name still hurts my tongue,
but i say it anyways,
because i like the sting
of knowing you're gone

all those years
dedicated to you,
now i lie here alone,
wondering
why didn't i leave earlier?

i never believed people
when they said they put on a mask
to hide their pain
but i do it without noticing

i am confident
i am secure

but that's not true
because i do not show the real me
i don't think people would like that side

confidence is key,
right?

as i look into the mirror,
i start to notice all of the things
i despise about myself

i notice my pale body
and the veins that protrude through my skin

my fingernails are chipped
from the black and red polish
and the skin around it is peeled
from my teeth

the beauty marks trail down my cheeks
and onto my arms
leaving traces of dark spots everywhere

my green eyes speak of sorrow
and they darken within every night
that i stay awake with my insomnia

i hold my body, without ever looking at, it too closely
and the tears within cry out
in shame

it asks me why i cannot love it,
why i dig into it,
why it's not beautiful enough
and i cannot tell it a good enough reason

i blame the world,
i say it maddens me
and i crave the look of impossible

to my body,
i am terribly sorry for picking apart too many things that you cannot fix

i wish i could be kinder
though it is hard to be
in such a difficult society

i will preach self-love
until it comes to myself

ans

i have been fighting for so long:
pushing my way through the inevitability of life.

but my knuckles are red,
my legs are bruised,
and my heart rate continues to slow.

there's still so much left in the race,
but the thought of making it to the finish line
just isn't enough for my weak bones anymore.

isn't it so strange
that we carve into our skin,
we let drugs course through our veins,
because we don't love ourselves.

we make wishes upon our blood,
hoping maybe tomorrow
we'll be dead.

we are all so painfully tired
that we cannot bear to live in our bodies
for one more day

and i am afraid that the alcohol i drink
is filling up my body so much
to the point where i am starting to choke
on my last words

i am already six feet underground,
rehearsing my goodbyes i never got to say

i am getting drowned in the tears of those
who never showed love to me when i was alive
but are showing it now that i am dead

the drugs coursing through my veins
are decaying my body
and i am nothing more
than a skeleton in the ground

at least if i am dead i will no longer receive
the pain i know i did not deserve
when i was alive

you were stiff,
talking monotone,
soulless.

where did my brother go?

your smile would brighten my day,
and you were so playful.
i miss that.

i don't know who this new person is.

it was barely a person;
i couldn't maintain eye contact
because i didn't know who i was looking at.

i'm sorry your brain doesn't work like others

i regret treating you poorly;
you did not deserve that,
for you cannot control what your head tells you.

will i ever meet the old you again?

god i hope i can look back
at how dramatic i am

i hope i will be here to reflect on my mistakes,
on my regrets

tears blur my vision;
i cannot see far enough into my future

every wound, every mark,
i become less hopeful

maybe things do change,
but this feels like rock bottom.

someone could tell me every day
that they love me,
but i will always remember
that one time
when they forgot to say it back.

why do we think back
to the negatives
when the positives
are right in front of us?

if only she knew
how effortlessly beautiful
she can be.

when i look into her eyes,
i see no darkness;
no uncertainty.

she gives me hope,
and that's all i ever needed
from another being.

if only she knew
how much my love for her
grows each day.

no matter what she does,
or how imperfect she looks,
i still admire every aspect of her.

she has her own special way
of expressing her love,
but i know she does.

i am hard to handle,
and i can be a lot,
but i pray she sticks with me

because it is almost certain
that i like her more than my last.
(and i'm still getting to know her)

dear sophia,
i love you.

we were infinite

you are alive

we accept the love we think we deserve

write about us

life doesn't stop for anybody

everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other

this moment will just be another story someday

enjoy it because it's happening

everything is lined up perfectly, except my mind.
the urge to fix that blanket consumes me
because if i don't clean,
something bad will happen.

obsessive: unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in my mind

compulsive: repetitive activities that i do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession

i am constantly submerged
in an overwhelming amount of anxiety
caused by little things normal people
would never notice.

i don't want to ruin your days
because i struggle to get out of bed.
i'm terribly sorry for being this way;
i tried to be different than them,
but it's harder than you think.

i wish i could change me
for you.

i am a forgetful person:
i don't know your shoe size
or your favorite food,
but the face you make
before we kiss
is engraved in my mind.

i probably won't remember what your plans are for tomorrow,
yet i still notice the way
you twirl your hair to put it in a bun.

i've memorized the feeling of your warm hands intertwined with mine.
i am a writer:
i notice small things about everyone,
but it's different for you,
because you're my muse;
my inspiration.
i create artwork
simply from observing.

i need to accomplish more
before it's my time to go.

i don't want to sleep,
but i don't want to be awake.
i don't want to eat,
but i don't want to be hungry.
i don't want people around me,
but i don't want to be alone.

i want to stop existing,
but i don't want to die.

how the ****
do i get out
of my head?

you say all these things;
the things i want to hear.
but why don't i believe you?

because she ****** me up;
she lied,
and now i don't believe you.