the image of you is slowly
disappearing from my subconscious
the way your mouth would curve
when you would get that devilish grin
the way your eyes would explore my body
the way your hands felt against my skin
how your lips felt against mine
i wish you had meant all the words you told me
i think we both believed them at the time
but like a light switches on and off
our light switch turned off
leaving my world dark
i got lost in the cold abyss
missing every second you weren’t around
to help guide me with your light
but i am slowly feeling my way
back to my switch
and the light will flood in and you
will be completely gone
the thought of that scares me
but spending my eternity in darkness
scares me even more

you get one day to cry
but tomorrow
it’s time to fix your crown

they tell me that you're no good
but they don't know you like i do
when they took me away
i knew the sound of your voice
would make me feel safe again
i know we hadn't talked in awhile
but hearing you tell me that
you didn't mind brought me back
to our middle school love
so young and innocent and pure
i wished so badly we could go back
and i could do things differently
maybe i wouldn't have lost you
i wish they could take away
the memories of you because i know
i'll never love anyone like i love you

i am beginning to find myself again
i am in control of my future
as i sit out in the rain
with the wind blowing in my face
i realize everything will be
okay

i miss the way your fingers felt in between mine
on our spontaneous seven hour car ride to another city
i miss being loved by you even though it made me completely blind
our love was toxic i know but it was ours

they say that someone else
cannot mend your broken heart
i found that to be quite untrue
when i met you

“you’ve lost weight”
what do you mean?
i haven’t been eating lunch anymore
my appetite is hard to find
the hunger pains have begun to feel familiar
i still look down and see the same thighs, the same stomach, feel the same nausea
i still avoid my reflection in the mirror after i get out of the shower
but then i really look at my face
for it is always the only thing i can study
and i see it
i see the gray pallor to my skin
my face has grown sharper
sadder
my skin looks tight, as if it can barely hold on
gripping to the contours of my bones
and i feel her lingering in the dark
her soft lulling voice tickles my ear
her fingers graze the skin of my collarbone
her touch is icy cold
and she sounds so kind, so loving, when she tells me
“more” “more”  “more”

I’ll be your secret muse
But no more
Because tomorrow
You will be gone
Back in her embrace
Memories of me
Fleeting
And I’ll sit here
Waiting for that call
Your honey suckle voice
Inviting me to play
If only for today

you can’t force them to change
you can beg and plead for them to listen
but they will not put in the same effort
no matter how much you push it
with tears streaming down your face
and the hardest part of it all
is finding the will to accept it
and the strength to let go

people ask
“why do you hurt yourself?
why do you feel the need to
cut your own body open?”
i don’t do it for the attention
i do it because it makes me
feel alive
seeing the blood run
it reminds me
that this body is real
the scars don’t bother me
they tell a story
i don’t believe i am weak
because i feel the need to
open my flesh with a razor
emotional pain is just as real
as the physical pain i put myself through
it makes it easier to process
no one will understand
until they feel enough pain
to put their body through it
physically
maybe i am just drunk
or you’ll understand
exactly what i mean
there are others
i know i am not alone
but until then
my emotional pain will become
physical until i can make sense
of this everyday life i am supposed
to be okay with

So you can make plans
But just not with me
Making plans with these other girls
With your friends
But I’m left without
I thought I was your one
Because you are mine
Guess I was selfish
Asking you to stay for me
Watching you party with some girl
I realized I was not important
To you anymore

they say karma is a *****
and i’ve seen her work her magic
i try to project love and positivity
i try my hardest to make my loved ones
feel important and safe
maybe our world is too bitter
or maybe i am too kind
but i am getting tired
the same energy i so hardly
push onto the world
i keep getting knocked down
and not even by ****** situations
but being put down by my own family
maybe i should just stop being so soft
and turn everything off

it’s only been two days
my room feels cold and hollow
the space where you used to lay up on
remains empty
sometimes i think i catch glimpses of you
but that’s not rational
i held your paw as you took your last breaths
looked into your eyes
and told you how much i love you
i hope i gave you the best life i could
your undying unconditional love
helped me through my hardest times
it feels wrong without you here
but i find comfort
you no longer suffer
and maybe you’re in a better place
i will love you and miss you
to the day i die
thank you for endless cuddles
your screams of joy
whenever i would return home
and those precious moments
when you would give me the tiniest kisses on my nose
rest in peace my little angel baby

she looks in the mirror
and no longer recognizes
who's staring back at her
her soul wanders the black abyss
it searches for her
but she is nowhere to be found

“this is going to sound so stupid
i could feel it deep down
the second time i saw you
but i think i love you
and we won’t need to talk about it
please just forget about it”
i know it was hard for you
to speak those words into existence
make those feelings you’ve kept locked up
inside your unreachable mind
come out of those beautiful lips
i think you were drunk
which is why i couldn’t bring myself
to say those three words back to you
i just hope that i have shown you
that you have consumed my heart
i know you’re not ready to hear
those whispering words in your ear
not quite yet
but i do love you too

the world around me is spinning
it seems like the ground is out of reach
and i start to drown in anxiety
my life has turned upside down
though i should have expected it
because nothing ever lasts
then i feel your hands softly grab mine
slowly pulling me down to reality
i see your kind blue eyes
and suddenly the flutters of hope
engulf me and i pray
that this will be my forever

i crave you
like i crave this cigarette
hooked to you like nicotine
take a few drags off of your lips
i never want to quit

i want to have a poetic death
the one where you stand on the edge
while the sun is barely peaking into the night sky
feeling the breeze kiss my skin
an unnerving calmness
falling through the sky
silently into the black river

i love drugs
and i know that i may be hated
for this statement
if i could change i would
addiction is a monster
and it’s claws are around my throat
at all hours of the day
the saddest part of it all
i don’t even want to stop
my addiction will be here to catch me
when i feel myself falling through
the pits of despair

i was so naive to think he could be different
i sat there on that patio staring
trying to make sense of my surroundings
you reached for my hand and stared deeply into my eyes
your skin was soft to the touch and your pupils dilated
your words calmed me and i couldn't look away
you told me i am charge of what i feel
if i let myself succumb to the fear
that's all i will feel
i stared into those big blue eyes and listened to your honey voice
and willed myself to let go of the panic
you saved me from what could have been
and to you i am forever grateful

“come home to me”
but that’s not my reality anymore

home was in your arms
it was in that goofy smile of yours
it was in that husky voice saying “i love you”

but now she is in yours
and i no longer get to long for that precious grin
and i only get to dream of those lost words

so here i’ll lay
waiting for the day
that i’ll get to tell you i’m here
i’m home

the thoughts scrape and gnaw at my brain
incessantly telling me horrible things
to do to myself
to do to others
these vicious claws shredding my humanity to pieces
you’re worthless
how could ever think someone could love you
you?
i don’t believe this oily, slithering, hissing beast is my own
it wants to devour me
eating what little good memories i have
amplifying it’s horrid voice to feed me more atrocities
it’s never satisfied
i don’t think it’ll ever leave me alone
i think, i fear, this monster
is actually
my own thoughts

you promised to build me a house of roses
well my dear
roses eventually wilt and die
and so bound was our love

when we had our first sleep
you warned me that you snored
at first i dreaded it
i thought of my uncles loud snores
how much they annoyed me
don’t get me wrong love
yours could be deafening
but after years without hearing it
it faded from my mind
i never realized i could miss someone’s snore
until i heard yours again

she had vanished in to thin air
nobody had seemed to care about her disappearance
even shortly after the attempt of her own life
she had angelic white hair
ocean blue eyes that could stop someone dead in their tracks
a devilish white grin full of temptation
until she was found
crumpled up on a mattress on the floor
half smoked cigarettes and empty bottles of *****
hiding in greasy and clumped hair
her skin sickly and wan
awoken by a figure with terror in her hollow eyes
relief washed over her when she recognized safety
still in a drug induced state, she said
"please help me, I've been *****"

conversations on the couch
have never felt the same
since you left me that day
we spent countless hours
talking
smoking
drinking
on that little beaten up couch
almost as frail and torn as our souls were
laughing and kissing for hours
burning ourselves with cigarettes
so we would have these memories forever
it seems so ****** up, but so are we
and i wouldn't have it any other way
i wish we could go back to those two weeks
not giving a **** what we put into our bodies
only focused on the now
never worried about what was to come
i miss you and i miss that small, broken couch
and those endless nights where everything made sense

maybe if i keep writing you into existence
it’ll be like you never actually left me

my therapist told me today
"you seem lighter this session than all the rest"
maybe that means i'm getting better
or i'm getting better at hiding it

it started as an itch
driving on the highway
thinking about how sweet
it would feel to have your
smooth, cold touch
panicked but calm all at once
i quit you years ago
but all i can think of
is the burning pain you gave me
and how so badly i craved it
to feel you dragging across my skin
is it sick of me to miss you?
is it even more sick
that i gave in

soft brown hair
kind hazel eyes
warm ethereal soul

she always thought i was her angel
but maybe she is mine

staring into the stars
smoking a blunt with you
after i had thought i’d
never see you again
here you are sitting next to me
same smell
same voice
same soft touch
just a little sadder
hiding it behind humor
i played along
because i know how you felt
but i wanted to be strong for you
but deep inside i am drowning
unsure of where i’m at
and what tragedy is going
to run me over next
i just hope
you’ll be by my side
when the world comes crashing
down yet again

i failed her when she needed me the most
but when i needed her
she dropped everything for me
she brought the light back into my life
when everything had been a black cloud over my head
she is my soulmate
she made me feel alive again
when i had been dead for years

i need to breathe you in
fill up my lungs
like the cigarettes i smoke
you taste so much sweeter
than any candy i’ve tasted

restless in a hospital bed
she sat next to me
stayed up all night
writing reasons to stay alive
crying while i cry in my sleep
from the pain of overdosing
i don't deserve her
but she loves me unconditionally

though i miss my old friends
they were always toxic to my life
i spent many months alone
with only my family
to keep me company
now i have lifelong friends
friends who truly know me
and accept for who i am
they will never know
how much i truly love them
they are mine and they always will be
they can go far and
i promise you
they will still feel my love
i owe you everything
you saved me even
though you didn't realize
thank you so much

i love seeing my body bruised and broken
i know that sounds morbid
but they tell their own story in a way
just like the scars on my arms and thighs
i have been through hell and back
but somehow i’ve survived it all
and i’ll keep fighting until i am at peace

it’s hard having a heavy heart
a heart full of love that always seems to be taken advantage of
no matter how hard you try, you feel everything
all of the good and all of the bad
weighing you down or lifting you up
mostly it’s the latter
although it is mostly pain that i feel
i would never want it to be any other way
this heavy heart found my way to you
only when i was ready to feel everything again
no more drinking the feelings away
or abusing drugs given to me
i was lost, but then i found myself
and then i was ready to find you
and this heavy heart, despite all the struggles
has the chance to feel all of your love
your pain is my pain
your happiness is also mine
and everything in between
and i have never been so grateful to carry this burden
of a heavy heart

a soft spoken voice always appears
when i’m at my breaking point
she whispers in my head
“take one more, it’ll be worth it”
i try to ignore her but she only gets louder
more aggressive
“you know you want this”
“you don’t want to feel”
“let me help you”
“i can take the pain away”
so i’ll take three more
in the hopes of you disappearing

it's not that nobody loved me
my mom always stuck around
when my life would spiral into addiction
she loved me unconditionally
when my father abandoned me
i have the best family i could ask for
my brothers, my sisters, my friends
they all love me
they've given me the best life they could
but why is that not enough for me?
i can't bring myself to put in the same effort
it's almost like my life is on repeat
every. single. day.
i am so tired of fighting my demons
i am ready to let them win
and drag my soul to hell

there is an empty void where my heart used to beat
or there is every emotion you could possibly imagine
sadness
anger
despair
hate
admiration
obsession
love
it’s all or nothing when it comes to how i feel
i’m sorry you have to bear the overwhelming weight
that i put on you
an unreasonable amount of responsibility
that you never asked for
and here you are
but why

the silence is deafening
it’s where lies my deepest fears
the traumas of my past
i sleep with noise to help drown the silence
and then i met you
i still sleep with noise
but in the early morning when we wake
i feel at peace with our silent affection
lying there completely vulnerable
to all of my forbidden thoughts
but all i think about and hear
is your peace
it resonates inside of me
and i am so grateful for you

becoming a writer is hard
finding the right words
hoping people support your art
trials and errors of past loves
inspiring your writing
sometimes i feel regret
i regret some of the people i dedicated my writing to
but i look back and realize
that was my journey
all of the love
all of the hurt
all of the dedication
i don’t regret it anymore
art stems from feelings
thank you for the fleeting moments
because you all have inspired me

i have found another
he is nothing like you
he is safe and kind
but you still linger in the background
with some delusion that this will all
work itself out
we’ll be married in 3 years you said
but i don’t have the patience
to wait for you to love me again
if you ever did
you always left me when
i would fall into months of despair
using your back ups until i was okay again
or maybe i was your back up
whenever you were home from college
or tired of the girls not loving you the way i did
i found a new love
a love that radiates my being
but for me to be truly happy
i had to ask you to leave
it was the right thing to do right?
even though in the pit of my stomach
i knew i had to do it, it filled me with panic
it broke my heart to say goodbye to you
and ask you to never come back
and after i asked that of you, you never did
and i know that’s what i wanted
why did it hurt so much when you listened

i laid down in my bed
with demons swimming around in my brain
i thought i could bury them away
in a six foot grave
my best friend lied next to me asleep
her peace radiating throughout her body
i thought with a bottle of pills
i could quiet my pain
and so i swallowed my demons
and laid down for my final rest
i woke up the next morning
as she held the empty bottle in her hand
she asked me “why didn’t you wake me”
i replied “i didn’t want to disturb you”

i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

i hope i pass on
long before you do
i don’t think i could
learn to live a life
without you
our endless laughs
laughing so hard
our tummies begin to ache
crying on each other’s shoulders
longing for the pain to pass
even when you shout at me
and say awful things
you wish you could take back
i wouldn’t be here without you
and i can’t be here without you

you were raised to not let anyone
steal your independence from you
if he truly loved you
he would not expect you
to be less than yourself