she strokes my long blonde hair
puts her soft pink lips up to my ear
and whispers

her words taste like the sweetest honey
her fingertips tracing the bones of my spine
her hands running along my protruding hips

“i will never leave you”

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

before you i never knew
how it felt to be truly loved
unapologetically myself
you accept me for who i am
and i love you for all of your flaws
and all of your perfections

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity

funny how all the girls you find
all have the same blonde hair as i do
you’re venturing out
saying you’re not ready
yet you’re dating girls
who look like me
i am the void in your heart
you are trying so hard to fill
you tell me i’m the one you’re going to marry
but you’re not looking for forever right now
you expect me to wait around for you
and though i so dearly miss you
i cannot be your last option anymore
so this is my goodbye to you
i won’t love anyone like i love you
but maybe that’s the point
i’ll find a new love
one that will consume me
and i’ll consume him
and i will finally be enough
and he won’t have to venture
to figure out if i am his

every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

my racing thoughts have come to a halt
i can't feel anything
nor can i process anything
i've come accustomed to the numbness
so much that my mind
has joined my feelings
in the pit of nothingness that consumes
my entire being

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

she sells her body to men
who will truly never respect her
she does it for the money
for the fleeting feelings
of the need to be

so i’ll keep writing about you
praying that these words
will speak you back into existence
and everything will be as it was

you never truly realize
how much you've missed someone
until you hear the sound of their voice
like it's the first time again

just when you thought
that things might have
started to turn into the
fairy tale you’ve always
dreamed of

the walls of the castle
shatter like glass
the rose garden
bursts into flames
and you start to realize

life is not a fairy tale
and there is no happy ending

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

i look into her pale blue grey eyes
they are lifeless
empty
hollow
vacant
nothingness
when did the passion and meaning
leave her to defend for herself
before when you would look into
those beautiful blue eyes
they would light up whenever she
smiled
laughed
joked
or even just existed
now it's like she's fallen off the face of the earth
leaving behind a fragile shaking body
with no remnants of the girl i used to know

she walks down the hallway
she is invisible
but if you take the time
to look into her eyes
you just might notice
the fiery sparks in her
sky blue eyes have faded
into nothing

she is nothing but a shell
of who she once was

My whole being is gray
My hair, my body, my eyes
Lifeless and empty
And drowning in grays
Weighing down my lifeless soul
Gray waves crash against me
Pulling me farther down
Until there is no more
I lay there feeling the comfort
Of the water holding me down
Just so gently
Caressing my cold naked skin
Inviting me to give in
And I let go

i tasted peace
it was sweeter than honey
a new clarity in my eyes
no longer just surviving
i was truly living
i stood at the edge
no longer scared of the what if’s
so i stepped off the ledge
i saw a bright blue sky
full of wondrous white clouds
i never thought i would see this day
as i plummeted blue turned to gray
thick as smoke wafting into my nostrils
gray suddenly turning into onyx
darker than anyone could think possible
my vision betraying me
i could no longer see where i was going
free falling for eternity
i knew it was too good to be true

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

i know you are right for me
i feel it deep within my soul
all it takes is your voice
to bring me back up to earth
from the hell within my mind

i dream about the way your lips feel on mine
i dream about those stars you talk about
i dream of walking in the desert with you
you’re so far away
but still so close in my heart
i can’t wait
until my dreams come true

you knew what he did to me
how he used me up
until i was nothing
you watched me drown my sorrows
and how he made me hallow
you saw me break down in tears
confused as to what i was doing wrong
you watched him break me
and you withered your way into my heart
only to do the same

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time