it’s hard having a heavy heart
a heart full of love that always seems to be taken advantage of
no matter how hard you try, you feel everything
all of the good and all of the bad
weighing you down or lifting you up
mostly it’s the latter
although it is mostly pain that i feel
i would never want it to be any other way
this heavy heart found my way to you
only when i was ready to feel everything again
no more drinking the feelings away
or abusing drugs given to me
i was lost, but then i found myself
and then i was ready to find you
and this heavy heart, despite all the struggles
has the chance to feel all of your love
your pain is my pain
your happiness is also mine
and everything in between
and i have never been so grateful to carry this burden
of a heavy heart

a soft spoken voice always appears
when i’m at my breaking point
she whispers in my head
“take one more, it’ll be worth it”
i try to ignore her but she only gets louder
more aggressive
“you know you want this”
“you don’t want to feel”
“let me help you”
“i can take the pain away”
so i’ll take three more
in the hopes of you disappearing

it's not that nobody loved me
my mom always stuck around
when my life would spiral into addiction
she loved me unconditionally
when my father abandoned me
i have the best family i could ask for
my brothers, my sisters, my friends
they all love me
they've given me the best life they could
but why is that not enough for me?
i can't bring myself to put in the same effort
it's almost like my life is on repeat
every. single. day.
i am so tired of fighting my demons
i am ready to let them win
and drag my soul to hell

there is an empty void where my heart used to beat
or there is every emotion you could possibly imagine
sadness
anger
despair
hate
admiration
obsession
love
it’s all or nothing when it comes to how i feel
i’m sorry you have to bear the overwhelming weight
that i put on you
an unreasonable amount of responsibility
that you never asked for
and here you are
but why

the silence is deafening
it’s where lies my deepest fears
the traumas of my past
i sleep with noise to help drown the silence
and then i met you
i still sleep with noise
but in the early morning when we wake
i feel at peace with our silent affection
lying there completely vulnerable
to all of my forbidden thoughts
but all i think about and hear
is your peace
it resonates inside of me
and i am so grateful for you

becoming a writer is hard
finding the right words
hoping people support your art
trials and errors of past loves
inspiring your writing
sometimes i feel regret
i regret some of the people i dedicated my writing to
but i look back and realize
that was my journey
all of the love
all of the hurt
all of the dedication
i don’t regret it anymore
art stems from feelings
thank you for the fleeting moments
because you all have inspired me

i have found another
he is nothing like you
he is safe and kind
but you still linger in the background
with some delusion that this will all
work itself out
we’ll be married in 3 years you said
but i don’t have the patience
to wait for you to love me again
if you ever did
you always left me when
i would fall into months of despair
using your back ups until i was okay again
or maybe i was your back up
whenever you were home from college
or tired of the girls not loving you the way i did
i found a new love
a love that radiates my being
but for me to be truly happy
i had to ask you to leave
it was the right thing to do right?
even though in the pit of my stomach
i knew i had to do it, it filled me with panic
it broke my heart to say goodbye to you
and ask you to never come back
and after i asked that of you, you never did
and i know that’s what i wanted
why did it hurt so much when you listened

i laid down in my bed
with demons swimming around in my brain
i thought i could bury them away
in a six foot grave
my best friend lied next to me asleep
her peace radiating throughout her body
i thought with a bottle of pills
i could quiet my pain
and so i swallowed my demons
and laid down for my final rest
i woke up the next morning
as she held the empty bottle in her hand
she asked me “why didn’t you wake me”
i replied “i didn’t want to disturb you”

i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

i hope i pass on
long before you do
i don’t think i could
learn to live a life
without you
our endless laughs
laughing so hard
our tummies begin to ache
crying on each other’s shoulders
longing for the pain to pass
even when you shout at me
and say awful things
you wish you could take back
i wouldn’t be here without you
and i can’t be here without you

you were raised to not let anyone
steal your independence from you
if he truly loved you
he would not expect you
to be less than yourself

she strokes my long blonde hair
puts her soft pink lips up to my ear
and whispers

her words taste like the sweetest honey
her fingertips tracing the bones of my spine
her hands running along my protruding hips

“i will never leave you”

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

before you i never knew
how it felt to be truly loved
unapologetically myself
you accept me for who i am
and i love you for all of your flaws
and all of your perfections

you never truly realize
how much you've missed someone
until you hear the sound of their voice
like it's the first time again

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

funny how all the girls you find
all have the same blonde hair as i do
you’re venturing out
saying you’re not ready
yet you’re dating girls
who look like me
i am the void in your heart
you are trying so hard to fill
you tell me i’m the one you’re going to marry
but you’re not looking for forever right now
you expect me to wait around for you
and though i so dearly miss you
i cannot be your last option anymore
so this is my goodbye to you
i won’t love anyone like i love you
but maybe that’s the point
i’ll find a new love
one that will consume me
and i’ll consume him
and i will finally be enough
and he won’t have to venture
to figure out if i am his

my racing thoughts have come to a halt
i can't feel anything
nor can i process anything
i've come accustomed to the numbness
so much that my mind
has joined my feelings
in the pit of nothingness that consumes
my entire being

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity

so i’ll keep writing about you
praying that these words
will speak you back into existence
and everything will be as it was

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

just when you thought
that things might have
started to turn into the
fairy tale you’ve always
dreamed of

the walls of the castle
shatter like glass
the rose garden
bursts into flames
and you start to realize

life is not a fairy tale
and there is no happy ending

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

she sells her body to men
who will truly never respect her
she does it for the money
for the fleeting feelings
of the need to be

i miss you at great lengths
an ocean between us
the unknown so scary i can’t confront it
i don’t know what you have been exposed to
i pray that some day you will forgive me
for the things i could not control
and i hope you know it killed me
but i would die a thousand deaths for you
if that is what made you happy and still children
oblivious and pure
ill be waiting
and i’ll still be here
no matter how many miles remain between us
for i will not give up the hope
that you will remember how much i love you
and how much i sacrificed for you
and i could never regret it

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

i look into her pale blue grey eyes
they are lifeless
empty
hollow
vacant
nothingness
when did the passion and meaning
leave her to defend for herself
before when you would look into
those beautiful blue eyes
they would light up whenever she
smiled
laughed
joked
or even just existed
now it's like she's fallen off the face of the earth
leaving behind a fragile shaking body
with no remnants of the girl i used to know

she walks down the hallway
she is invisible
but if you take the time
to look into her eyes
you just might notice
the fiery sparks in her
sky blue eyes have faded
into nothing

she is nothing but a shell
of who she once was

My whole being is gray
My hair, my body, my eyes
Lifeless and empty
And drowning in grays
Weighing down my lifeless soul
Gray waves crash against me
Pulling me farther down
Until there is no more
I lay there feeling the comfort
Of the water holding me down
Just so gently
Caressing my cold naked skin
Inviting me to give in
And I let go

i tasted peace
it was sweeter than honey
a new clarity in my eyes
no longer just surviving
i was truly living
i stood at the edge
no longer scared of the what if’s
so i stepped off the ledge
i saw a bright blue sky
full of wondrous white clouds
i never thought i would see this day
as i plummeted blue turned to gray
thick as smoke wafting into my nostrils
gray suddenly turning into onyx
darker than anyone could think possible
my vision betraying me
i could no longer see where i was going
free falling for eternity
i knew it was too good to be true

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse

i've been told i should write a book
that maybe that’s my purpose in this life
to share with others how painful this sickness can be
but who wants to write about all the pain they’ve been through and that’s why they are the person they are today
who wants to hear another sob story about not being loved
being abused in all the ways a human can be
i have no purpose in this life
i’ll never be a writer nor anything worth writing about
i’m just another statistic no one cares about
in my bones i know i’m just another walking tragedy
broken and betrayed by the system and their own parents
doomed to walk the same path
or die trying to fix what i never broke and no one cares to understand

i died
in a less permanent way than you
but i’ll keep living in hell
if that what it takes
to give them a better life
i’ll swallow all of it
still being labeled as the bad guy
and you still a hero
i’ll do my best to protect them
to show them unconditional love
and pretend i’m not still dying
your death is permanent and you can’t help
but i’ll do it for them
they have already been through hell
but i’ll try to make it less painful
even if it rips me apart
because despite what they say
i know you’d be proud of me
the sacrifices
all to try to protect them
from the life we never wanted them to have
there is only so much i can do
but ill do it for us, and for them
and i know in my being
you’d be proud
even if they hate me
i’ll swallow it all
for them like you would have
because who else is so selfless
you are dead and i’m still here by some miracle
so i’ll use this chance
to try my best to give them a better life
than we ever had the chance to have

you watched me deteriorate
for an entire year
watched me as i slowly became a ghost
all skin and bone
barely here in the now
“don’t worry it’s in the past now”
maybe for you
but not for me
i was never given an explanation
or boundaries set in place
i thought i could trust you
i never thought you could turn
your back on me
i carried all that weight
the weight i didn’t understand
why i was carrying
it wore me down to the bone
no one checked up on me
no one apologized
except me
when i didn’t even know that i did anything wrong
i was a living corpse on borrowed time
the betrayal cut deeply
i never thought you would turn on me
and then pretend like it never happened
it may be in the past for you
but i am still living in it

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

i know you are right for me
i feel it deep within my soul
all it takes is your voice
to bring me back up to earth
from the hell within my mind

i crawled over glass
the shards slicing but i didn’t feel it
cuts on my knees, hands, elbows
my body ****** and broken
my face unrecognizable
i didn’t want to
i’ve been used to walking on them
my feet used to the pain over the years
i dragged myself in front of you
lying there before you bare with flesh and soul
but i couldn’t let myself bleed for you anymore
at least that’s what i said
you can see the little cracks where my flesh no longer connects
or at least i hope you can see
i told you it’s okay
we can talk about it later
i just missed you and can no longer stand missing you
i don’t know you anymore
and you’ve never known me
i like to think this past year only put distance between us
but it’s been my whole life
and i have no idea where to start with you
other than the fact that i realized
this is not a life i can survive without you anymore
and when i walked in unexpected and saw you broken
i realized you felt how i feel
maybe not all of it, maybe only a minuscule of the agony
but even a fraction was enough for me
i’m used to living off of scraps
and there’s not much of me left

i dream about the way your lips feel on mine
i dream about those stars you talk about
i dream of walking in the desert with you
you’re so far away
but still so close in my heart
i can’t wait
until my dreams come true

you knew what he did to me
how he used me up
until i was nothing
you watched me drown my sorrows
and how he made me hallow
you saw me break down in tears
confused as to what i was doing wrong
you watched him break me
and you withered your way into my heart
only to do the same

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time