you were always too busy
i was always too sad
i told you i wanted to die
no reply
so i took one two three
fifty sleeping pills
i told you i was scared
no reply
i told you i was becoming numb
no reply
then i fell asleep
with no hope of waking up

all my life
i've watched many leave me
my first love
my father
the guy who i thought
was the love of my life
what is it about me that is so
unlovable
why am i so easily
forgotten
do you think they will finally miss me
when i am gone

i know my brother loves his family
but he can't let go
of his teenage years
i know he's only scared
but it's taken a toll
on himself
on his two girls
on his girlfriend
he abuses pills
like he abuses his family
emotionally withdrawn
if he doesn't stop soon
he'll lose us all
along with himself

i wish you were here
to feel your lips against mine
i know we have all the time in the world
but all i can think about is now
drinking whiskey and making bad decisions
indescribable feelings i can actually make sense of
it feels like everything has fallen into place
and i am worthy of a love like ours

he inspires me
to be me
all the ugly and all the beautiful
parts of myself
that i thought i had lost forever
i had almost forgotten what it felt like
now i can never let it go
i can never let him go

when i met you
you peaked my interest
you didn't care about anything
i admired that
i was drawn to you
but i never expected anything
i was numb and heartbroken
i never wanted to feel anything again
after only a week i fell for you
you fell for me too
we only had days left
on our last day together
you asked me to be yours
now we have forever

how could you leave me there
in a pile of my own *****
and an empty pill bottle next to me
how could you look at me
with my eyes barely open
screaming why would i take the whole bottle
and then disappear without a second thought
i was lost for hours
hallucinations taking over reality
and my friend discovering me in the closet
no one on the phone
talking to myself

whenever i'm not eating
she whispers softly in my ear
sweet encouragements
when i'm finally happy
eating and starting to look healthy
i can see my bones starting
to be covered with soft fat
her screams start to get louder
i try hard to ignore her
"you look disgusting"
"look at all that extra skin
hanging off of you"
"you're so fat lose it all again"
you can tell me i'm beautiful
but i can't hear you over
her deafening shrieks
convincing me that i've lost again

i had just finished writing to you
words cannot explain how much i still miss you
your death hit me hard
i didn’t believe i could live without you
i don’t know if you hear me anymore
at first i could feel you
but you’ve disappeared into radio silence
i still tell you i love you every day
i put a crystal on your ashes
i touch it almost everyday
making sure to rub in the love essential oil
hoping i get to feel you or see you
just one more time
i light incense for you every now and again
to show you that i’m still here
i had almost lost hope
thinking you had finally left me
but when i ignited that fire
i swear i could see something
in the gray smoke that came about from the flame
a tiny halo appeared and slowly flew upwards
oh how i’ve missed you

i feel so incredibly isolated
looking at all those stars
wondering if you can see them too
i so badly wish you were here
looking at them with me

my little blonde girl
smokes cowboy killers
she looks as innocent
as all ******* hell
but she has more
secrets than me.
in less than a week
she blessed me with
the unhappiness of
caring about someone again.
its easier to be lonely
and be happy with
your own unhappiness-
as insane as that ******* sounds
i feel like i can't go back to my little bubble of
"******* and **** me and **** everyone"
because pretty soon i'll
just be lonely and
unhappy about it.
i didn't have time to
love her enough,
and she'll be back home,
smoking cowboy killers
to **** up her pretty little lungs
with someone else.

its been 52 days since i’ve last seen you
it’s been 1,248 hours since you’ve last touched me
it’s been 17,880 minutes since you’ve last kissed me
it’s been 4,492,800 seconds since you’ve last told me “i love you.”
now you’re just a ghost
lingering in the shadows
invading my dreams
why am i still here
hoping
wishing
praying
you’ll crawl back into my life like you always do
why am i still here
missing you

the thing about depending on people
for motivation to produce your art
is that they can leave
and every time you try to write or draw
memories of them come flooding back
ripping your heart into shreds all over again
so you return to the real world
bottling up the pain in the hopes
that the next one stays

he's dark and twisted
but he brings out the light within my soul
something inside him is not quite right
but he's perfect to me

my favorite season
the beginning is so beautiful
waves of orange, red, and yellow
float softly to the flowing green grass
and then the wind picks up
light sweaters turn into heavy jackets
the leaves start turning to gray
grass that was once green is dying
i try to prepare myself every time
you drift back into my life
it's just like the seasons
it starts off so beautiful and warm
like the sun shining in your face
until something in you switches
and the wind sweeps me off my feet
all of a sudden you're gone
disappearing without a trace
leaving me confused and hurt
and winter sets in and the snow flakes fall
masking everything in darkness

the ocean blue waves
pull on my feet
begging me to come in
if just for a little bit
i'm afraid if i give in
my body will never
wash to shore

she was heartbroken
and we cried over our losses
but he was there to mend
we all took a trip to the city
and downed whiskey the whole way
before i knew it he kissed me
and i thought "oh ****"
"he's going to change everything"

i didn't know life could be this comfortable
it's like the calm before the storm
but the storm never comes

it’ll always be he said she said
he says
he’ll always be there for you
but when she says
your friend sexually assaulted me
all of a sudden it’s
“he would never do that”
“he’s so against that ****”
“he’s not like that”
guess i was wrong
when i belived you were my friend

you told me that you love me
you told me you wanted a life with me
we made so many promises
we made so many plans
i saw you drifting away
i watched you board that ship
that never came back
and now i am left in broken little pieces
unsure how to pick up the mess
that you left behind

whenever i am at my happiest
i can't help but feel
an impending doom weighing down my whole being
it starts as an uneasy feeling
and panic and anxiety starts to consume me
it lasts for weeks
and to no avail
it never goes away
the only thing that has ever seemed
to bring me comfort
is the self-destruction that spirals
into my pain killer addiction
pills are the only thing to bring me out of this rut
that i always seem to be stuck in
week after week
month after month
year after year
i am so tired
i am so high
i am so done
it'll never go away, i've accepted that
the only way to make it better forever
is maybe the end of myself

i don’t know why i jumped at the idea
when a stranger asked me for a drink
and i don’t know why i’m sitting here
three in the morning writing about you
all i know is that my time here is short
and you have showed me more love
in the past three weeks than some
ever experience in a lifetime
i don’t know what this future holds
but i am forever grateful that
we’ve explored many of our firsts
together hand in hand
even if it’s for one minuscule moment
in this journey we call our lives
i will never forget the way you made me feel

you need to eat
they say
but i do eat
little blue pills
soft white powder
warm brown liquor
inhale
exhale
gray toxic smoke
a well balanced meal i'd say
i'll keep eating
until i am nothing

why did you leave me all alone?
was my love not enough
to keep you around
i look for you in every man i meet
maybe that's why i stick around
when men abuse me
they yell
they manipulate
they lie
and then they apologize
i forgive them
like i keep forgiving you

if i asked you to
would you steal my last breath
would you do me a favor
send me six feet under
even if it’s for nothing more
than one final kiss

how do you mourn someone
who is still alive
watching them live their life
without a mere thought
of them leaving you in ruins
it's funny how you can love someone
with your whole being
thinking they really cared about you
but can cut you out of their life
without a second thought

i don’t want to leave
the ones that stayed
will they also leave me to decay?
the pain is the dead animal on the highway
my guts hang out from my stomach
and i can’t seem to push them back in
i was a fawn
you ran me over without a second thought
crushing me
they are alive but i am a ghost to them
remember when we used laugh in the woods?
i wish i knew when
why why why?
parts of me have died in the process
have you seen me?
do you wonder?
do you think about me?
i can’t stop playing everything
over and over and over again
i live in a constant state of emotional agony
my brain is deteriorating my body
my heart is glasses
years of neglect have left them cracking, crumbling
i feel my soul spiraling into the void
down down down
it never ends and i am scared of the dark
please please please
make it stop.

my eyes trace over the scissors you hold in your hand
and shear away all the places i resided within you
you don’t even notice when you snip away the life line
the last thread holding it all together
i unravel more and more
just scraps and strings
all lying in a lifeless pile

i couldn’t be more grateful to you
you gave me a place to escape
fleeing from the abuse from my family
the feeling of not having a home anymore
the emptiness that has been left behind
from the death of my most beloved companion
right into the loving arms of you and your family
change feels impossible to me
i am unable to adapt to new surroundings
i can’t shake these feelings
these overwhelming feelings i don’t belong here
it’s been months and still
this loneliness and feeling unwanted won’t shake
it clouds my brain
begging to explode and always managing to
i’m sorry i erupt and it all spills onto you
please forgive the fire inside me
that comes out frigid

i want to be skin and bone
i want to float away into nothingness
like the clouds do in the sky
they look so weightless and lovely
that's exactly how i want to be
beautiful, light, and airy
like you can't even hear my footsteps
beautifully sculpted
hollowed cheekbones
fragile, breakable body
i want people to look at me
and see the worried looks in their eyes
only then will i know
i made it

boys tell me all the time
how much they’ve fallen for me
and i care for them
fall in love with the idea
of us living our happily ever after
but then i see your face
and i smell you on everything i own
and i look in to their eyes
brown hazel or green
but they’re never blue
not like yours
their hair doesn’t fall the way yours does
and their smile doesn’t sit quite the same
and their laugh doesn’t sound like you
and i realize
you are gone
you’re still alive in my heart
but your presence is fading
and you slip out of my fingertips
although they mean well
and they want to love me better than you have
i still find myself craving your touch
will i ever stop missing you
i don’t know but i’m trying
and i will try every day
until i stop comparing them
to you

You’re here laying next to me
But yet so far away
Your body is with me
But your mind is wandering
Are you thinking about her
Do you picture my face with hers
When you ****** in to me
Do you love her
The way in which you love me
Do you let her see your most
Vulnerable, disgusting self
Or am I the only one who sees
Because you fear she will not love
Who you truly are the way I do

i watched you as you stroked
your dog’s soft black fur
and my small inner thigh
when you looked at me
i saw your past inside of
those wounded hazel eyes
you’ve been hurt
and so have i
but for a reason i do not know
i trust in you completely
not to rip out my
already bleeding heart
i just hope you trust me too

i was on top of the world today
with the feeling of being unstoppable
mania coursing through my veins
childlike with no ounce of regret
i can face every fear i’ve ever had
until i stepped into the dark
only then i realized that happiness is temporary
i sat on the edge and watched myself plunder
remembering a blanket of gray washing over me
everything i own drained of color
lifeless
watching my younger self turn to dust
realizing it was only a dream
a dream i wish i could play in forever
my aspirations and goals gone
my sense of wonder obliterated
thrusted into deep feelings of regret and loneliness
why am i like this
why must my brain sabotage every ounce of happiness i can muster

you kiss me like you’re about
to take your last breath
stroke and caress my body
and whisper ***** things in my ear
you lust me with such a passion
like your being is about to combust
take a bite out of me
and **** life as we know it

i don't remember much from that night
i was told that i vomited in your hat
we had a good time getting wasted
but i do remember the way your hand touched me uninvitingly
on that drive home
i remember i was too drunk to talk or move
i remember screaming "no" and "stop" in my head
but my tongue couldn't cooperate with my mouth
i guess that made you think that i liked it
but you left scars deep inside of me
that will never heal

i have walked hand in hand with death all my life
i danced along the line of the living
i have met death three times in this short time
i begged death to take me
hands and knees pressed to the ground
tears streaming down my face
but death didn’t want me
you see, death enjoyed taking others from me
always taunting me
death has broke me many times
i’m not sure if all these shattered pieces of me
will ever fit back together again

when we learned about you
we had no clue how much you would mean to us
you saved us
your laugh
your smile
your sass
your everything
you are my whole world and more
you were there when i tried to **** myself
you were there in my darkest moments
you were there when i did wrong
and you loved me unconditionally
when my whole family turned against me

i know it’s not always easy
loving someone who doesn’t recognize themselves
and on other days they greet you with love
a love like no other
one that’s consuming
there is no in between
i know that is frustrating for you
but i want to thank you
you’re the only one who hasn’t left me
who hasn’t told me that i’m too much
i never would have imagined
i’d find someone who could love me
the way that i am
i know it isn’t fair to put this on you
but you have made me stronger
and for that
there isn’t enough thanks in the world

i looked into those
beautiful hazel eyes
mesmerized by their untold story
i could look into them
for eternity wandering
in the depths of
browns, golds, and greens
i’ll drown in them
until your voice
brings me up from the sea

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under

looking up at the stars
admiring their ethereal beauty
wondering how i got here
i feel so empty
lonely
and lost
take me away
put me up in the sky
to live with the stars
admired from afar
so i don't have to feel this way anymore

smoke fills her lungs
alcohol drowns her stomach
pills cloud her head
heartbreak numbs her heart

his hands touch her body
his tongue fills her mouth
his voice lights up her soul
his love warms her heart

she is whole

i saw Sina today
"hop on the scale;
if i remember correctly,
you're the skinny one."
hearing that made my heart soar
it's the one thing i've always wanted to hear
as i stepped on the scale
i waited impatiently to see
109.6  .  .  .
my heart dropped
i knew i had gained
but i had hoped i hadn't
i've come a long way
but i have so much further to go
i just want to be
weightless.

i see you struggling with your demons
you cry for help thinking no one notices
but i do
i see you
you put on a fake smile
you say you’re fine
sometimes that mask cracks
even if only for a split second
i wish you believed me
when i tell you that you are strong
you can fight them
but i also know how hard it is
to constantly fight your inner self
i haven’t been doing it as long as you have
and i am truly in awe
of what a beautiful mess you are
i need you to know that i am here
i will pick up all of your pieces
when the walls within your mind crumble

my mind is full of things
that will never reach the surface
all piled up
in the bottomless pit of my brain
memories that shake my core
feelings that will make me crumble
into a million little pieces
the feeling of nothingness
can be quite lovely
when i feel everything so deeply
once in awhile
everything comes flooding back
like waves
crashing violently onto a rocky shore

i reached out
but no one answered
one two three
you know the rest
so i opened
four red lines
on the side of my hip
hoping and praying
that it would cure
the empty loneliness

i don’t want to die
but i don’t know
if i can pretend anymore

if only i had reconnected with you four years ago
i was never mad you left me
i know you thought you were doing the right thing
four years of missing you
thinking about you
hearing about you
asking about you
i’m sorry i wasn’t there when the devil took hold of you
and spit you back out without remorse
i would have loved to watch you grow and heal
never changing, you never needed to
our souls are forever interwoven
there is no escape from the love i feel for you
and now i’m the one who has to say goodbye
for however fleeting our time was
it was more than worth it
and i will cherish you from afar