i love drugs
and i know that i may be hated
for this statement
if i could change i would
addiction is a monster
and it’s claws are around my throat
at all hours of the day
the saddest part of it all
i don’t even want to stop
my addiction will be here to catch me
when i feel myself falling through
the pits of despair

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

i see you struggling with your demons
you cry for help thinking no one notices
but i do
i see you
you put on a fake smile
you say you’re fine
sometimes that mask cracks
even if only for a split second
i wish you believed me
when i tell you that you are strong
you can fight them
but i also know how hard it is
to constantly fight your inner self
i haven’t been doing it as long as you have
and i am truly in awe
of what a beautiful mess you are
i need you to know that i am here
i will pick up all of your pieces
when the walls within your mind crumble

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time

you were always too busy
i was always too sad
i told you i wanted to die
no reply
so i took one two three
fifty sleeping pills
i told you i was scared
no reply
i told you i was becoming numb
no reply
then i fell asleep
with no hope of waking up

so i’ll keep writing about you
praying that these words
will speak you back into existence
and everything will be as it was

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

the thoughts scrape and gnaw at my brain
incessantly telling me horrible things
to do to myself
to do to others
these vicious claws shredding my humanity to pieces
you’re worthless
how could ever think someone could love you
you?
i don’t believe this oily, slithering, hissing beast is my own
it wants to devour me
eating what little good memories i have
amplifying it’s horrid voice to feed me more atrocities
it’s never satisfied
i don’t think it’ll ever leave me alone
i think, i fear, this monster
is actually
my own thoughts

my racing thoughts have come to a halt
i can't feel anything
nor can i process anything
i've come accustomed to the numbness
so much that my mind
has joined my feelings
in the pit of nothingness that consumes
my entire being

i was so naive to think he could be different
i sat there on that patio staring
trying to make sense of my surroundings
you reached for my hand and stared deeply into my eyes
your skin was soft to the touch and your pupils dilated
your words calmed me and i couldn't look away
you told me i am charge of what i feel
if i let myself succumb to the fear
that's all i will feel
i stared into those big blue eyes and listened to your honey voice
and willed myself to let go of the panic
you saved me from what could have been
and to you i am forever grateful

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

if only i had reconnected with you four years ago
i was never mad you left me
i know you thought you were doing the right thing
four years of missing you
thinking about you
hearing about you
asking about you
i’m sorry i wasn’t there when the devil took hold of you
and spit you back out without remorse
i would have loved to watch you grow and heal
never changing, you never needed to
our souls are forever interwoven
there is no escape from the love i feel for you
and now i’m the one who has to say goodbye
for however fleeting our time was
it was more than worth it
and i will cherish you from afar

they tell me that you're no good
but they don't know you like i do
when they took me away
i knew the sound of your voice
would make me feel safe again
i know we hadn't talked in awhile
but hearing you tell me that
you didn't mind brought me back
to our middle school love
so young and innocent and pure
i wished so badly we could go back
and i could do things differently
maybe i wouldn't have lost you
i wish they could take away
the memories of you because i know
i'll never love anyone like i love you

just when you thought
that things might have
started to turn into the
fairy tale you’ve always
dreamed of

the walls of the castle
shatter like glass
the rose garden
bursts into flames
and you start to realize

life is not a fairy tale
and there is no happy ending

though i miss my old friends
they were always toxic to my life
i spent many months alone
with only my family
to keep me company
now i have lifelong friends
friends who truly know me
and accept for who i am
they will never know
how much i truly love them
they are mine and they always will be
they can go far and
i promise you
they will still feel my love
i owe you everything
you saved me even
though you didn't realize
thank you so much

you never truly realize
how much you've missed someone
until you hear the sound of their voice
like it's the first time again

i need to breathe you in
fill up my lungs
like the cigarettes i smoke
you taste so much sweeter
than any candy i’ve tasted

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

they say karma is a *****
and i’ve seen her work her magic
i try to project love and positivity
i try my hardest to make my loved ones
feel important and safe
maybe our world is too bitter
or maybe i am too kind
but i am getting tired
the same energy i so hardly
push onto the world
i keep getting knocked down
and not even by ****** situations
but being put down by my own family
maybe i should just stop being so soft
and turn everything off

i love seeing my body bruised and broken
i know that sounds morbid
but they tell their own story in a way
just like the scars on my arms and thighs
i have been through hell and back
but somehow i’ve survived it all
and i’ll keep fighting until i am at peace

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

i don’t want to leave
the ones that stayed
will they also leave me to decay?
the pain is the dead animal on the highway
my guts hang out from my stomach
and i can’t seem to push them back in
i was a fawn
you ran me over without a second thought
crushing me
they are alive but i am a ghost to them
remember when we used laugh in the woods?
i wish i knew when
why why why?
parts of me have died in the process
have you seen me?
do you wonder?
do you think about me?
i can’t stop playing everything
over and over and over again
i live in a constant state of emotional agony
my brain is deteriorating my body
my heart is glasses
years of neglect have left them cracking, crumbling
i feel my soul spiraling into the void
down down down
it never ends and i am scared of the dark
please please please
make it stop.

my eyes trace over the scissors you hold in your hand
and shear away all the places i resided within you
you don’t even notice when you snip away the life line
the last thread holding it all together
i unravel more and more
just scraps and strings
all lying in a lifeless pile

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

when we had our first sleep
you warned me that you snored
at first i dreaded it
i thought of my uncles loud snores
how much they annoyed me
don’t get me wrong love
yours could be deafening
but after years without hearing it
it faded from my mind
i never realized i could miss someone’s snore
until i heard yours again

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity