i tasted peace
it was sweeter than honey
a new clarity in my eyes
no longer just surviving
i was truly living
i stood at the edge
no longer scared of the what if’s
so i stepped off the ledge
i saw a bright blue sky
full of wondrous white clouds
i never thought i would see this day
as i plummeted blue turned to gray
thick as smoke wafting into my nostrils
gray suddenly turning into onyx
darker than anyone could think possible
my vision betraying me
i could no longer see where i was going
free falling for eternity
i knew it was too good to be true

So you can make plans
But just not with me
Making plans with these other girls
With your friends
But I’m left without
I thought I was your one
Because you are mine
Guess I was selfish
Asking you to stay for me
Watching you party with some girl
I realized I was not important
To you anymore

its been 52 days since i’ve last seen you
it’s been 1,248 hours since you’ve last touched me
it’s been 17,880 minutes since you’ve last kissed me
it’s been 4,492,800 seconds since you’ve last told me “i love you.”
now you’re just a ghost
lingering in the shadows
invading my dreams
why am i still here
hoping
wishing
praying
you’ll crawl back into my life like you always do
why am i still here
missing you

becoming a writer is hard
finding the right words
hoping people support your art
trials and errors of past loves
inspiring your writing
sometimes i feel regret
i regret some of the people i dedicated my writing to
but i look back and realize
that was my journey
all of the love
all of the hurt
all of the dedication
i don’t regret it anymore
art stems from feelings
thank you for the fleeting moments
because you all have inspired me

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

he inspires me
to be me
all the ugly and all the beautiful
parts of myself
that i thought i had lost forever
i had almost forgotten what it felt like
now i can never let it go
i can never let him go

why did you leave me all alone?
was my love not enough
to keep you around
i look for you in every man i meet
maybe that's why i stick around
when men abuse me
they yell
they manipulate
they lie
and then they apologize
i forgive them
like i keep forgiving you

“this is going to sound so stupid
i could feel it deep down
the second time i saw you
but i think i love you
and we won’t need to talk about it
please just forget about it”
i know it was hard for you
to speak those words into existence
make those feelings you’ve kept locked up
inside your unreachable mind
come out of those beautiful lips
i think you were drunk
which is why i couldn’t bring myself
to say those three words back to you
i just hope that i have shown you
that you have consumed my heart
i know you’re not ready to hear
those whispering words in your ear
not quite yet
but i do love you too

the silence is deafening
it’s where lies my deepest fears
the traumas of my past
i sleep with noise to help drown the silence
and then i met you
i still sleep with noise
but in the early morning when we wake
i feel at peace with our silent affection
lying there completely vulnerable
to all of my forbidden thoughts
but all i think about and hear
is your peace
it resonates inside of me
and i am so grateful for you

my therapist told me today
"you seem lighter this session than all the rest"
maybe that means i'm getting better
or i'm getting better at hiding it

she was heartbroken
and we cried over our losses
but he was there to mend
we all took a trip to the city
and downed whiskey the whole way
before i knew it he kissed me
and i thought "oh ****"
"he's going to change everything"

boys tell me all the time
how much they’ve fallen for me
and i care for them
fall in love with the idea
of us living our happily ever after
but then i see your face
and i smell you on everything i own
and i look in to their eyes
brown hazel or green
but they’re never blue
not like yours
their hair doesn’t fall the way yours does
and their smile doesn’t sit quite the same
and their laugh doesn’t sound like you
and i realize
you are gone
you’re still alive in my heart
but your presence is fading
and you slip out of my fingertips
although they mean well
and they want to love me better than you have
i still find myself craving your touch
will i ever stop missing you
i don’t know but i’m trying
and i will try every day
until i stop comparing them
to you

i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

i laid down in my bed
with demons swimming around in my brain
i thought i could bury them away
in a six foot grave
my best friend lied next to me asleep
her peace radiating throughout her body
i thought with a bottle of pills
i could quiet my pain
and so i swallowed my demons
and laid down for my final rest
i woke up the next morning
as she held the empty bottle in her hand
she asked me “why didn’t you wake me”
i replied “i didn’t want to disturb you”

smoke fills her lungs
alcohol drowns her stomach
pills cloud her head
heartbreak numbs her heart

his hands touch her body
his tongue fills her mouth
his voice lights up her soul
his love warms her heart

she is whole

you knew what he did to me
how he used me up
until i was nothing
you watched me drown my sorrows
and how he made me hallow
you saw me break down in tears
confused as to what i was doing wrong
you watched him break me
and you withered your way into my heart
only to do the same

i have walked hand in hand with death all my life
i danced along the line of the living
i have met death three times in this short time
i begged death to take me
hands and knees pressed to the ground
tears streaming down my face
but death didn’t want me
you see, death enjoyed taking others from me
always taunting me
death has broke me many times
i’m not sure if all these shattered pieces of me
will ever fit back together again

My whole being is gray
My hair, my body, my eyes
Lifeless and empty
And drowning in grays
Weighing down my lifeless soul
Gray waves crash against me
Pulling me farther down
Until there is no more
I lay there feeling the comfort
Of the water holding me down
Just so gently
Caressing my cold naked skin
Inviting me to give in
And I let go

people ask
“why do you hurt yourself?
why do you feel the need to
cut your own body open?”
i don’t do it for the attention
i do it because it makes me
feel alive
seeing the blood run
it reminds me
that this body is real
the scars don’t bother me
they tell a story
i don’t believe i am weak
because i feel the need to
open my flesh with a razor
emotional pain is just as real
as the physical pain i put myself through
it makes it easier to process
no one will understand
until they feel enough pain
to put their body through it
physically
maybe i am just drunk
or you’ll understand
exactly what i mean
there are others
i know i am not alone
but until then
my emotional pain will become
physical until i can make sense
of this everyday life i am supposed
to be okay with

she sells her body to men
who will truly never respect her
she does it for the money
for the fleeting feelings
of the need to be

it’s hard having a heavy heart
a heart full of love that always seems to be taken advantage of
no matter how hard you try, you feel everything
all of the good and all of the bad
weighing you down or lifting you up
mostly it’s the latter
although it is mostly pain that i feel
i would never want it to be any other way
this heavy heart found my way to you
only when i was ready to feel everything again
no more drinking the feelings away
or abusing drugs given to me
i was lost, but then i found myself
and then i was ready to find you
and this heavy heart, despite all the struggles
has the chance to feel all of your love
your pain is my pain
your happiness is also mine
and everything in between
and i have never been so grateful to carry this burden
of a heavy heart

i don’t know why i jumped at the idea
when a stranger asked me for a drink
and i don’t know why i’m sitting here
three in the morning writing about you
all i know is that my time here is short
and you have showed me more love
in the past three weeks than some
ever experience in a lifetime
i don’t know what this future holds
but i am forever grateful that
we’ve explored many of our firsts
together hand in hand
even if it’s for one minuscule moment
in this journey we call our lives
i will never forget the way you made me feel

she walks down the hallway
she is invisible
but if you take the time
to look into her eyes
you just might notice
the fiery sparks in her
sky blue eyes have faded
into nothing

she is nothing but a shell
of who she once was

i have found another
he is nothing like you
he is safe and kind
but you still linger in the background
with some delusion that this will all
work itself out
we’ll be married in 3 years you said
but i don’t have the patience
to wait for you to love me again
if you ever did
you always left me when
i would fall into months of despair
using your back ups until i was okay again
or maybe i was your back up
whenever you were home from college
or tired of the girls not loving you the way i did
i found a new love
a love that radiates my being
but for me to be truly happy
i had to ask you to leave
it was the right thing to do right?
even though in the pit of my stomach
i knew i had to do it, it filled me with panic
it broke my heart to say goodbye to you
and ask you to never come back
and after i asked that of you, you never did
and i know that’s what i wanted
why did it hurt so much when you listened

i looked into those
beautiful hazel eyes
mesmerized by their untold story
i could look into them
for eternity wandering
in the depths of
browns, golds, and greens
i’ll drown in them
until your voice
brings me up from the sea

you can’t force them to change
you can beg and plead for them to listen
but they will not put in the same effort
no matter how much you push it
with tears streaming down your face
and the hardest part of it all
is finding the will to accept it
and the strength to let go

how could you leave me there
in a pile of my own *****
and an empty pill bottle next to me
how could you look at me
with my eyes barely open
screaming why would i take the whole bottle
and then disappear without a second thought
i was lost for hours
hallucinations taking over reality
and my friend discovering me in the closet
no one on the phone
talking to myself

i want to be skin and bone
i want to float away into nothingness
like the clouds do in the sky
they look so weightless and lovely
that's exactly how i want to be
beautiful, light, and airy
like you can't even hear my footsteps
beautifully sculpted
hollowed cheekbones
fragile, breakable body
i want people to look at me
and see the worried looks in their eyes
only then will i know
i made it

when we learned about you
we had no clue how much you would mean to us
you saved us
your laugh
your smile
your sass
your everything
you are my whole world and more
you were there when i tried to **** myself
you were there in my darkest moments
you were there when i did wrong
and you loved me unconditionally
when my whole family turned against me

you told me that you love me
you told me you wanted a life with me
we made so many promises
we made so many plans
i saw you drifting away
i watched you board that ship
that never came back
and now i am left in broken little pieces
unsure how to pick up the mess
that you left behind

she had vanished in to thin air
nobody had seemed to care about her disappearance
even shortly after the attempt of her own life
she had angelic white hair
ocean blue eyes that could stop someone dead in their tracks
a devilish white grin full of temptation
until she was found
crumpled up on a mattress on the floor
half smoked cigarettes and empty bottles of *****
hiding in greasy and clumped hair
her skin sickly and wan
awoken by a figure with terror in her hollow eyes
relief washed over her when she recognized safety
still in a drug induced state, she said
"please help me, I've been *****"

it started as an itch
driving on the highway
thinking about how sweet
it would feel to have your
smooth, cold touch
panicked but calm all at once
i quit you years ago
but all i can think of
is the burning pain you gave me
and how so badly i craved it
to feel you dragging across my skin
is it sick of me to miss you?
is it even more sick
that i gave in

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

the world around me is spinning
it seems like the ground is out of reach
and i start to drown in anxiety
my life has turned upside down
though i should have expected it
because nothing ever lasts
then i feel your hands softly grab mine
slowly pulling me down to reality
i see your kind blue eyes
and suddenly the flutters of hope
engulf me and i pray
that this will be my forever

my favorite season
the beginning is so beautiful
waves of orange, red, and yellow
float softly to the flowing green grass
and then the wind picks up
light sweaters turn into heavy jackets
the leaves start turning to gray
grass that was once green is dying
i try to prepare myself every time
you drift back into my life
it's just like the seasons
it starts off so beautiful and warm
like the sun shining in your face
until something in you switches
and the wind sweeps me off my feet
all of a sudden you're gone
disappearing without a trace
leaving me confused and hurt
and winter sets in and the snow flakes fall
masking everything in darkness

i watched you as you stroked
your dog’s soft black fur
and my small inner thigh
when you looked at me
i saw your past inside of
those wounded hazel eyes
you’ve been hurt
and so have i
but for a reason i do not know
i trust in you completely
not to rip out my
already bleeding heart
i just hope you trust me too

the image of you is slowly
disappearing from my subconscious
the way your mouth would curve
when you would get that devilish grin
the way your eyes would explore my body
the way your hands felt against my skin
how your lips felt against mine
i wish you had meant all the words you told me
i think we both believed them at the time
but like a light switches on and off
our light switch turned off
leaving my world dark
i got lost in the cold abyss
missing every second you weren’t around
to help guide me with your light
but i am slowly feeling my way
back to my switch
and the light will flood in and you
will be completely gone
the thought of that scares me
but spending my eternity in darkness
scares me even more

my little blonde girl
smokes cowboy killers
she looks as innocent
as all ******* hell
but she has more
secrets than me.
in less than a week
she blessed me with
the unhappiness of
caring about someone again.
its easier to be lonely
and be happy with
your own unhappiness-
as insane as that ******* sounds
i feel like i can't go back to my little bubble of
"******* and **** me and **** everyone"
because pretty soon i'll
just be lonely and
unhappy about it.
i didn't have time to
love her enough,
and she'll be back home,
smoking cowboy killers
to **** up her pretty little lungs
with someone else.

i dream about the way your lips feel on mine
i dream about those stars you talk about
i dream of walking in the desert with you
you’re so far away
but still so close in my heart
i can’t wait
until my dreams come true

i miss the way your fingers felt in between mine
on our spontaneous seven hour car ride to another city
i miss being loved by you even though it made me completely blind
our love was toxic i know but it was ours

when i met you
you peaked my interest
you didn't care about anything
i admired that
i was drawn to you
but i never expected anything
i was numb and heartbroken
i never wanted to feel anything again
after only a week i fell for you
you fell for me too
we only had days left
on our last day together
you asked me to be yours
now we have forever

i didn't know life could be this comfortable
it's like the calm before the storm
but the storm never comes

it’ll always be he said she said
he says
he’ll always be there for you
but when she says
your friend sexually assaulted me
all of a sudden it’s
“he would never do that”
“he’s so against that ****”
“he’s not like that”
guess i was wrong
when i belived you were my friend

there is an empty void where my heart used to beat
or there is every emotion you could possibly imagine
sadness
anger
despair
hate
admiration
obsession
love
it’s all or nothing when it comes to how i feel
i’m sorry you have to bear the overwhelming weight
that i put on you
an unreasonable amount of responsibility
that you never asked for
and here you are
but why

“you’ve lost weight”
what do you mean?
i haven’t been eating lunch anymore
my appetite is hard to find
the hunger pains have begun to feel familiar
i still look down and see the same thighs, the same stomach, feel the same nausea
i still avoid my reflection in the mirror after i get out of the shower
but then i really look at my face
for it is always the only thing i can study
and i see it
i see the gray pallor to my skin
my face has grown sharper
sadder
my skin looks tight, as if it can barely hold on
gripping to the contours of my bones
and i feel her lingering in the dark
her soft lulling voice tickles my ear
her fingers graze the skin of my collarbone
her touch is icy cold
and she sounds so kind, so loving, when she tells me
“more” “more”  “more”

before you i never knew
how it felt to be truly loved
unapologetically myself
you accept me for who i am
and i love you for all of your flaws
and all of your perfections

i want to have a poetic death
the one where you stand on the edge
while the sun is barely peaking into the night sky
feeling the breeze kiss my skin
an unnerving calmness
falling through the sky
silently into the black river

it’s only been two days
my room feels cold and hollow
the space where you used to lay up on
remains empty
sometimes i think i catch glimpses of you
but that’s not rational
i held your paw as you took your last breaths
looked into your eyes
and told you how much i love you
i hope i gave you the best life i could
your undying unconditional love
helped me through my hardest times
it feels wrong without you here
but i find comfort
you no longer suffer
and maybe you’re in a better place
i will love you and miss you
to the day i die
thank you for endless cuddles
your screams of joy
whenever i would return home
and those precious moments
when you would give me the tiniest kisses on my nose
rest in peace my little angel baby

i hope i pass on
long before you do
i don’t think i could
learn to live a life
without you
our endless laughs
laughing so hard
our tummies begin to ache
crying on each other’s shoulders
longing for the pain to pass
even when you shout at me
and say awful things
you wish you could take back
i wouldn’t be here without you
and i can’t be here without you

i love drugs
and i know that i may be hated
for this statement
if i could change i would
addiction is a monster
and it’s claws are around my throat
at all hours of the day
the saddest part of it all
i don’t even want to stop
my addiction will be here to catch me
when i feel myself falling through
the pits of despair