nuggz: Poems

7.8k · Oct 2018

i’m proud of you.

nuggz Oct 2018

i’m proud of you.

you get one day to cry
but tomorrow
it’s time to fix your crown

1.5k · Oct 2018

untitled.

nuggz Oct 2018

untitled.

“what are you going to do with your life?”
they all ask me
teachers
parents
peers
coworkers
my answer is simple
i don’t know
because i didn’t think
i would still be here

962 · May 2019

please come back.

nuggz May 2019

please come back.

maybe if i keep writing you into existence
it’ll be like you never actually left me

781 · Oct 2018

ana.

nuggz Oct 2018

ana.

whenever i'm not eating
she whispers softly in my ear
sweet encouragements
when i'm finally happy
eating and starting to look healthy
i can see my bones starting
to be covered with soft fat
her screams start to get louder
i try hard to ignore her
"you look disgusting"
"look at all that extra skin
hanging off of you"
"you're so fat lose it all again"
you can tell me i'm beautiful
but i can't hear you over
her deafening shrieks
convincing me that i've lost again

455 · Aug 23

i can’t trust myself.

nuggz Aug 23

i can’t trust myself.

i don’t want to die
but i don’t know
if i can pretend anymore

416 · Nov 2018

death of me.

nuggz Nov 2018

death of me.

if i asked you to
would you steal my last breath
would you do me a favor
send me six feet under
even if it’s for nothing more
than one final kiss

334 · Dec 2018

inner peace.

nuggz Dec 2018

inner peace.

i am beginning to find myself again
i am in control of my future
as i sit out in the rain
with the wind blowing in my face
i realize everything will be
okay

313 · Sep 2018

subconscious.

nuggz Sep 2018

subconscious.

a soft spoken voice always appears
when i’m at my breaking point
she whispers in my head
“take one more, it’ll be worth it”
i try to ignore her but she only gets louder
more aggressive
“you know you want this”
“you don’t want to feel”
“let me help you”
“i can take the pain away”
so i’ll take three more
in the hopes of you disappearing

304 · Sep 2018

control.

nuggz Sep 2018

control.

you need to eat
they say
but i do eat
little blue pills
soft white powder
warm brown liquor
inhale
exhale
gray toxic smoke
a well balanced meal i'd say
i'll keep eating
until i am nothing

279 · Sep 2018

august 16.

nuggz Sep 2018

august 16.

he's dark and twisted
but he brings out the light within my soul
something inside him is not quite right
but he's perfect to me

261 · Sep 2018

wish you were here.

nuggz Sep 2018

wish you were here.

i know you are right for me
i feel it deep within my soul
all it takes is your voice
to bring me back up to earth
from the hell within my mind

257 · Sep 2018

deceived.

nuggz Sep 2018

deceived.

how do you mourn someone
who is still alive
watching them live their life
without a mere thought
of them leaving you in ruins
it's funny how you can love someone
with your whole being
thinking they really cared about you
but can cut you out of their life
without a second thought

254 · Sep 2018

sister.

nuggz Sep 2018

sister.

restless in a hospital bed
she sat next to me
stayed up all night
writing reasons to stay alive
crying while i cry in my sleep
from the pain of overdosing
i don't deserve her
but she loves me unconditionally

252 · Nov 2019

i can’t blame you.

nuggz Nov 2019

i can’t blame you.

i reached out
but no one answered
one two three
you know the rest
so i opened
four red lines
on the side of my hip
hoping and praying
that it would cure
the empty loneliness

247 · Sep 2018

suicidal thoughts.

nuggz Sep 2018

suicidal thoughts.

everything you told me
promised me
was it all a lie?

i guess our love was so full of
passion and fire
that it exploded right in front of my face
with no warning

how do you wake up one morning
and decide that you don't love someone anymore

i put all of myself into you
planned an entire life with you
you made it seem like you wanted that too

and then the next day its
"it wouldn't work out in the long run"
"we can't be together"

why couldn't you have told me that?
now I feel betrayed and used
did you ever love me?
or was i just another distraction

now i'm back to nothing
unsure of what i'm supposed to do next
this happens every time

i wish i could find someone to love me
the way that i love them
i'm ready to give up

i feel like once i finally have a plan
i eventually end up with nothing
and i am so ready to let it all go
i am so ready to let myself go

230 · Sep 2018

aligned.

nuggz Sep 2018

aligned.

i wish you were here
to feel your lips against mine
i know we have all the time in the world
but all i can think about is now
drinking whiskey and making bad decisions
indescribable feelings i can actually make sense of
it feels like everything has fallen into place
and i am worthy of a love like ours

210 · Sep 2018

cherophobia.

nuggz Sep 2018

cherophobia.

whenever i am at my happiest
i can't help but feel
an impending doom weighing down my whole being
it starts as an uneasy feeling
and panic and anxiety starts to consume me
it lasts for weeks
and to no avail
it never goes away
the only thing that has ever seemed
to bring me comfort
is the self-destruction that spirals
into my pain killer addiction
pills are the only thing to bring me out of this rut
that i always seem to be stuck in
week after week
month after month
year after year
i am so tired
i am so high
i am so done
it'll never go away, i've accepted that
the only way to make it better forever
is maybe the end of myself

196 · Sep 2018

a poem you wrote for me.

nuggz Sep 2018

a poem you wrote for me.

i feel so incredibly isolated
looking at all those stars
wondering if you can see them too
i so badly wish you were here
looking at them with me

195 · May 2019

untitled.

nuggz May 2019

untitled.

every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

191 · Sep 2018

"friend".

nuggz Sep 2018

"friend".

i don't remember much from that night
i was told that i vomited in your hat
we had a good time getting wasted
but i do remember the way your hand touched me uninvitingly
on that drive home
i remember i was too drunk to talk or move
i remember screaming "no" and "stop" in my head
but my tongue couldn't cooperate with my mouth
i guess that made you think that i liked it
but you left scars deep inside of me
that will never heal

191 · Feb 2021

don’t blame yourself.

nuggz Feb 2021

don’t blame yourself.

i couldn’t be more grateful to you
you gave me a place to escape
fleeing from the abuse from my family
the feeling of not having a home anymore
the emptiness that has been left behind
from the death of my most beloved companion
right into the loving arms of you and your family
change feels impossible to me
i am unable to adapt to new surroundings
i can’t shake these feelings
these overwhelming feelings i don’t belong here
it’s been months and still
this loneliness and feeling unwanted won’t shake
it clouds my brain
begging to explode and always managing to
i’m sorry i erupt and it all spills onto you
please forgive the fire inside me
that comes out frigid

188 · Oct 2018

battles.

nuggz Oct 2018

battles.

the ocean blue waves
pull on my feet
begging me to come in
if just for a little bit
i'm afraid if i give in
my body will never
wash to shore

185 · Sep 2018

abandonment.

nuggz Sep 2018

abandonment.

all my life
i've watched many leave me
my first love
my father
the guy who i thought
was the love of my life
what is it about me that is so
unlovable
why am i so easily
forgotten
do you think they will finally miss me
when i am gone

184 · Sep 2018

void.

nuggz Sep 2018

void.

i look into her pale blue grey eyes
they are lifeless
empty
hollow
vacant
nothingness
when did the passion and meaning
leave her to defend for herself
before when you would look into
those beautiful blue eyes
they would light up whenever she
smiled
laughed
joked
or even just existed
now it's like she's fallen off the face of the earth
leaving behind a fragile shaking body
with no remnants of the girl i used to know

183 · Sep 2018

surrender.

nuggz Sep 2018

surrender.

it's not that nobody loved me
my mom always stuck around
when my life would spiral into addiction
she loved me unconditionally
when my father abandoned me
i have the best family i could ask for
my brothers, my sisters, my friends
they all love me
they've given me the best life they could
but why is that not enough for me?
i can't bring myself to put in the same effort
it's almost like my life is on repeat
every. single. day.
i am so tired of fighting my demons
i am ready to let them win
and drag my soul to hell

174 · Sep 2018

reversed.

nuggz Sep 2018

reversed.

soft brown hair
kind hazel eyes
warm ethereal soul

she always thought i was her angel
but maybe she is mine

174 · Oct 2018

forbidden fruit.

nuggz Oct 2018

forbidden fruit.

you kiss me like you’re about
to take your last breath
stroke and caress my body
and whisper ***** things in my ear
you lust me with such a passion
like your being is about to combust
take a bite out of me
and **** life as we know it

174 · Nov 2018

no more happy endings.

nuggz Nov 2018

no more happy endings.

as we laid there
with my head on your chest
our breaths synchronized
and i realized
how much i truly missed this
our lives were so simple
so long ago when we were just kids
our souls became tortured
and we started to ruin each other
i know it would not last
and in the end i had to leave
all these feelings came rushing back
and though i felt lucky
i knew it would eventually be ripped away
it’s too late to go back
and now we’ve grown apart
living different lives
and you’ve found someone new
i just hope she loves you
as much as i do

166 · Feb 2021

fleeting feelings.

nuggz Feb 2021

fleeting feelings.

i was on top of the world today
with the feeling of being unstoppable
mania coursing through my veins
childlike with no ounce of regret
i can face every fear i’ve ever had
until i stepped into the dark
only then i realized that happiness is temporary
i sat on the edge and watched myself plunder
remembering a blanket of gray washing over me
everything i own drained of color
lifeless
watching my younger self turn to dust
realizing it was only a dream
a dream i wish i could play in forever
my aspirations and goals gone
my sense of wonder obliterated
thrusted into deep feelings of regret and loneliness
why am i like this
why must my brain sabotage every ounce of happiness i can muster

163 · Jan 2019

Ellie.

nuggz Jan 2019

Ellie.

You’re here laying next to me
But yet so far away
Your body is with me
But your mind is wandering
Are you thinking about her
Do you picture my face with hers
When you ****** in to me
Do you love her
The way in which you love me
Do you let her see your most
Vulnerable, disgusting self
Or am I the only one who sees
Because you fear she will not love
Who you truly are the way I do

161 · Nov 2018

to self.

nuggz Nov 2018

to self.

you were raised to not let anyone
steal your independence from you
if he truly loved you
he would not expect you
to be less than yourself

158 · Sep 2018

savior.

nuggz Sep 2018

savior.

i failed her when she needed me the most
but when i needed her
she dropped everything for me
she brought the light back into my life
when everything had been a black cloud over my head
she is my soulmate
she made me feel alive again
when i had been dead for years

158 · Jun 2019

forbidden thoughts.

nuggz Jun 2019

forbidden thoughts.

can i be selfish for a minute?

can i tell you that i still love you

and she doesn’t deserve to share the very air you breathe

that i wish you would hold me in your arms once more

just kiss me and you’ll realize that it’s always been me

that you’ll never be able to replace me no matter how hard you try

i need you to know that i know you still love me

you still want me

you still need me

but your stubborn soul forbids the thought from crossing your mind

let me caress your skin

put my lips to your ear

and tell you everything you’ve been waiting to hear

157 · Oct 2018

i think i love you.

nuggz Oct 2018

i think i love you.

they say that someone else
cannot mend your broken heart
i found that to be quite untrue
when i met you

156 · Sep 2018

nostalgia.

nuggz Sep 2018

nostalgia.

you promised to build me a house of roses
well my dear
roses eventually wilt and die
and so bound was our love

155 · Jan 2019

I wish I was her.

nuggz Jan 2019

I wish I was her.

I’ll be your secret muse
But no more
Because tomorrow
You will be gone
Back in her embrace
Memories of me
Fleeting
And I’ll sit here
Waiting for that call
Your honey suckle voice
Inviting me to play
If only for today

153 · Feb 2019

artist’s curse.

nuggz Feb 2019

artist’s curse.

the thing about depending on people
for motivation to produce your art
is that they can leave
and every time you try to write or draw
memories of them come flooding back
ripping your heart into shreds all over again
so you return to the real world
bottling up the pain in the hopes
that the next one stays

153 · Sep 2018

personal heaven.

nuggz Sep 2018

personal heaven.

conversations on the couch
have never felt the same
since you left me that day
we spent countless hours
talking
smoking
drinking
on that little beaten up couch
almost as frail and torn as our souls were
laughing and kissing for hours
burning ourselves with cigarettes
so we would have these memories forever
it seems so ****** up, but so are we
and i wouldn't have it any other way
i wish we could go back to those two weeks
not giving a **** what we put into our bodies
only focused on the now
never worried about what was to come
i miss you and i miss that small, broken couch
and those endless nights where everything made sense

151 · Jul 2019

my favorite place.

nuggz Jul 2019

my favorite place.

“come home to me”
but that’s not my reality anymore

home was in your arms
it was in that goofy smile of yours
it was in that husky voice saying “i love you”

but now she is in yours
and i no longer get to long for that precious grin
and i only get to dream of those lost words

so here i’ll lay
waiting for the day
that i’ll get to tell you i’m here
i’m home

150 · Dec 2018

toxic love.

nuggz Dec 2018

toxic love.

she strokes my long blonde hair
puts her soft pink lips up to my ear
and whispers

her words taste like the sweetest honey
her fingertips tracing the bones of my spine
her hands running along my protruding hips

“i will never leave you”

149 · Sep 2018

i am not okay.

nuggz Sep 2018

i am not okay.

my mind is full of things
that will never reach the surface
all piled up
in the bottomless pit of my brain
memories that shake my core
feelings that will make me crumble
into a million little pieces
the feeling of nothingness
can be quite lovely
when i feel everything so deeply
once in awhile
everything comes flooding back
like waves
crashing violently onto a rocky shore

147 · Sep 2018

home.

nuggz Sep 2018

home.

looking up at the stars
admiring their ethereal beauty
wondering how i got here
i feel so empty
lonely
and lost
take me away
put me up in the sky
to live with the stars
admired from afar
so i don't have to feel this way anymore

141 · Sep 2018

hunger.

nuggz Sep 2018

hunger.

i saw Sina today
"hop on the scale;
if i remember correctly,
you're the skinny one."
hearing that made my heart soar
it's the one thing i've always wanted to hear
as i stepped on the scale
i waited impatiently to see
109.6 . . .
my heart dropped
i knew i had gained
but i had hoped i hadn't
i've come a long way
but i have so much further to go
i just want to be
weightless.

141 · Apr 2019

safety net.

nuggz Apr 2019

safety net.

staring into the stars
smoking a blunt with you
after i had thought i’d
never see you again
here you are sitting next to me
same smell
same voice
same soft touch
just a little sadder
hiding it behind humor
i played along
because i know how you felt
but i wanted to be strong for you
but deep inside i am drowning
unsure of where i’m at
and what tragedy is going
to run me over next
i just hope
you’ll be by my side
when the world comes crashing
down yet again

140 · Oct 2018

new beginnings.

nuggz Oct 2018

new beginnings.

i saw the sun strike your face
and saw your hazel eyes for what they truly are
kind

don't try and scare me away
because it won't work

i know the hell within your mind
worries you that i'll abandon you

my dear
you have already planted yourself
within my heart
your roots have already grown throughout my body

so when you say
you've warned me

i promise you
that i do not scare easily

139 · Feb 2019

untitled.

nuggz Feb 2019

untitled.

funny how all the girls you find
all have the same blonde hair as i do
you’re venturing out
saying you’re not ready
yet you’re dating girls
who look like me
i am the void in your heart
you are trying so hard to fill
you tell me i’m the one you’re going to marry
but you’re not looking for forever right now
you expect me to wait around for you
and though i so dearly miss you
i cannot be your last option anymore
so this is my goodbye to you
i won’t love anyone like i love you
but maybe that’s the point
i’ll find a new love
one that will consume me
and i’ll consume him
and i will finally be enough
and he won’t have to venture
to figure out if i am his

138 · Dec 2021

happy birthday my love.

nuggz Dec 2021

happy birthday my love.

i know it’s not always easy
loving someone who doesn’t recognize themselves
and on other days they greet you with love
a love like no other
one that’s consuming
there is no in between
i know that is frustrating for you
but i want to thank you
you’re the only one who hasn’t left me
who hasn’t told me that i’m too much
i never would have imagined
i’d find someone who could love me
the way that i am
i know it isn’t fair to put this on you
but you have made me stronger
and for that
there isn’t enough thanks in the world

138 · Sep 2018

malboro reds.

nuggz Sep 2018

malboro reds.

i crave you
like i crave this cigarette
hooked to you like nicotine
take a few drags off of your lips
i never want to quit

138 · Sep 2018

lost soul.

nuggz Sep 2018

lost soul.

she looks in the mirror
and no longer recognizes
who's staring back at her
her soul wanders the black abyss
it searches for her
but she is nowhere to be found

133 · Sep 2018

adderall.

nuggz Sep 2018

adderall.

i know my brother loves his family
but he can't let go
of his teenage years
i know he's only scared
but it's taken a toll
on himself
on his two girls
on his girlfriend
he abuses pills
like he abuses his family
emotionally withdrawn
if he doesn't stop soon
he'll lose us all
along with himself