how do you mourn someone
who is still alive
watching them live their life
without a mere thought
of them leaving you in ruins
it's funny how you can love someone
with your whole being
thinking they really cared about you
but can cut you out of their life
without a second thought

whenever i am at my happiest
i can't help but feel
an impending doom weighing down my whole being
it starts as an uneasy feeling
and panic and anxiety starts to consume me
it lasts for weeks
and to no avail
it never goes away
the only thing that has ever seemed
to bring me comfort
is the self-destruction that spirals
into my pain killer addiction
pills are the only thing to bring me out of this rut
that i always seem to be stuck in
week after week
month after month
year after year
i am so tired
i am so high
i am so done
it'll never go away, i've accepted that
the only way to make it better forever
is maybe the end of myself

looking up at the stars
admiring their ethereal beauty
wondering how i got here
i feel so empty
lonely
and lost
take me away
put me up in the sky
to live with the stars
admired from afar
so i don't have to feel this way anymore

a soft spoken voice always appears
when i’m at my breaking point
she whispers in my head
“take one more, it’ll be worth it”
i try to ignore her but she only gets louder
more aggressive
“you know you want this”
“you don’t want to feel”
“let me help you”
“i can take the pain away”
so i’ll take three more
in the hopes of you disappearing

soft brown hair
kind hazel eyes
warm ethereal soul

she always thought i was her angel
but maybe she is mine

conversations on the couch
have never felt the same
since you left me that day
we spent countless hours
talking
smoking
drinking
on that little beaten up couch
almost as frail and torn as our souls were
laughing and kissing for hours
burning ourselves with cigarettes
so we would have these memories forever
it seems so ****** up, but so are we
and i wouldn't have it any other way
i wish we could go back to those two weeks
not giving a **** what we put into our bodies
only focused on the now
never worried about what was to come
i miss you and i miss that small, broken couch
and those endless nights where everything made sense

i look into her pale blue grey eyes
they are lifeless
empty
hollow
vacant
nothingness
when did the passion and meaning
leave her to defend for herself
before when you would look into
those beautiful blue eyes
they would light up whenever she
smiled
laughed
joked
or even just existed
now it's like she's fallen off the face of the earth
leaving behind a fragile shaking body
with no remnants of the girl i used to know

she looks in the mirror
and no longer recognizes
who's staring back at her
her soul wanders the black abyss
it searches for her
but she is nowhere to be found

she walks down the hallway
she is invisible
but if you take the time
to look into her eyes
you just might notice
the fiery sparks in her
sky blue eyes have faded
into nothing

she is nothing but a shell
of who she once was

it’ll always be he said she said
he says
he’ll always be there for you
but when she says
your friend sexually assaulted me
all of a sudden it’s
“he would never do that”
“he’s so against that ****”
“he’s not like that”
guess i was wrong
when i belived you were my friend

before you i never knew
how it felt to be truly loved
unapologetically myself
you accept me for who i am
and i love you for all of your flaws
and all of your perfections

i crave you
like i crave this cigarette
hooked to you like nicotine
take a few drags off of your lips
i never want to quit

my mind is full of things
that will never reach the surface
all piled up
in the bottomless pit of my brain
memories that shake my core
feelings that will make me crumble
into a million little pieces
the feeling of nothingness
can be quite lovely
when i feel everything so deeply
once in awhile
everything comes flooding back
like waves
crashing violently onto a rocky shore

i dream about the way your lips feel on mine
i dream about those stars you talk about
i dream of walking in the desert with you
you’re so far away
but still so close in my heart
i can’t wait
until my dreams come true

i saw Sina today
"hop on the scale;
if i remember correctly,
you're the skinny one."
hearing that made my heart soar
it's the one thing i've always wanted to hear
as i stepped on the scale
i waited impatiently to see
109.6  .  .  .
my heart dropped
i knew i had gained
but i had hoped i hadn't
i've come a long way
but i have so much further to go
i just want to be
weightless.

i didn't know life could be this comfortable
it's like the calm before the storm
but the storm never comes

i wish you were here
to feel your lips against mine
i know we have all the time in the world
but all i can think about is now
drinking whiskey and making bad decisions
indescribable feelings i can actually make sense of
it feels like everything has fallen into place
and i am worthy of a love like ours

my little blonde girl
smokes cowboy killers
she looks as innocent
as all ******* hell
but she has more
secrets than me.
in less than a week
she blessed me with
the unhappiness of
caring about someone again.
its easier to be lonely
and be happy with
your own unhappiness-
as insane as that ******* sounds
i feel like i can't go back to my little bubble of
"******* and **** me and **** everyone"
because pretty soon i'll
just be lonely and
unhappy about it.
i didn't have time to
love her enough,
and she'll be back home,
smoking cowboy killers
to **** up her pretty little lungs
with someone else.

i feel so incredibly isolated
looking at all those stars
wondering if you can see them too
i so badly wish you were here
looking at them with me

i want to be skin and bone
i want to float away into nothingness
like the clouds do in the sky
they look so weightless and lovely
that's exactly how i want to be
beautiful, light, and airy
like you can't even hear my footsteps
beautifully sculpted
hollowed cheekbones
fragile, breakable body
i want people to look at me
and see the worried looks in their eyes
only then will i know
i made it

you were always too busy
i was always too sad
i told you i wanted to die
no reply
so i took one two three
fifty sleeping pills
i told you i was scared
no reply
i told you i was becoming numb
no reply
then i fell asleep
with no hope of waking up

i know my brother loves his family
but he can't let go
of his teenage years
i know he's only scared
but it's taken a toll
on himself
on his two girls
on his girlfriend
he abuses pills
like he abuses his family
emotionally withdrawn
if he doesn't stop soon
he'll lose us all
along with himself

restless in a hospital bed
she sat next to me
stayed up all night
writing reasons to stay alive
crying while i cry in my sleep
from the pain of overdosing
i don't deserve her
but she loves me unconditionally

when we learned about you
we had no clue how much you would mean to us
you saved us
your laugh
your smile
your sass
your everything
you are my whole world and more
you were there when i tried to **** myself
you were there in my darkest moments
you were there when i did wrong
and you loved me unconditionally
when my whole family turned against me

smoke fills her lungs
alcohol drowns her stomach
pills cloud her head
heartbreak numbs her heart

his hands touch her body
his tongue fills her mouth
his voice lights up her soul
his love warms her heart

she is whole

when i met you
you peaked my interest
you didn't care about anything
i admired that
i was drawn to you
but i never expected anything
i was numb and heartbroken
i never wanted to feel anything again
after only a week i fell for you
you fell for me too
we only had days left
on our last day together
you asked me to be yours
now we have forever

why did you leave me all alone?
was my love not enough
to keep you around
i look for you in every man i meet
maybe that's why i stick around
when men abuse me
they yell
they manipulate
they lie
and then they apologize
i forgive them
like i keep forgiving you

my therapist told me today
"you seem lighter this session than all the rest"
maybe that means i'm getting better
or i'm getting better at hiding it

i failed her when she needed me the most
but when i needed her
she dropped everything for me
she brought the light back into my life
when everything had been a black cloud over my head
she is my soulmate
she made me feel alive again
when i had been dead for years

i don't remember much from that night
i was told that i vomited in your hat
we had a good time getting wasted
but i do remember the way your hand touched me uninvitingly
on that drive home
i remember i was too drunk to talk or move
i remember screaming "no" and "stop" in my head
but my tongue couldn't cooperate with my mouth
i guess that made you think that i liked it
but you left scars deep inside of me
that will never heal

he's dark and twisted
but he brings out the light within my soul
something inside him is not quite right
but he's perfect to me

he inspires me
to be me
all the ugly and all the beautiful
parts of myself
that i thought i had lost forever
i had almost forgotten what it felt like
now i can never let it go
i can never let him go

you need to eat
they say
but i do eat
little blue pills
soft white powder
warm brown liquor
inhale
exhale
gray toxic smoke
a well balanced meal i'd say
i'll keep eating
until i am nothing