i see you struggling with your demons
you cry for help thinking no one notices
but i do
i see you
you put on a fake smile
you say you’re fine
sometimes that mask cracks
even if only for a split second
i wish you believed me
when i tell you that you are strong
you can fight them
but i also know how hard it is
to constantly fight your inner self
i haven’t been doing it as long as you have
and i am truly in awe
of what a beautiful mess you are
i need you to know that i am here
i will pick up all of your pieces
when the walls within your mind crumble

the image of you is slowly
disappearing from my subconscious
the way your mouth would curve
when you would get that devilish grin
the way your eyes would explore my body
the way your hands felt against my skin
how your lips felt against mine
i wish you had meant all the words you told me
i think we both believed them at the time
but like a light switches on and off
our light switch turned off
leaving my world dark
i got lost in the cold abyss
missing every second you weren’t around
to help guide me with your light
but i am slowly feeling my way
back to my switch
and the light will flood in and you
will be completely gone
the thought of that scares me
but spending my eternity in darkness
scares me even more

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

you can’t force them to change
you can beg and plead for them to listen
but they will not put in the same effort
no matter how much you push it
with tears streaming down your face
and the hardest part of it all
is finding the will to accept it
and the strength to let go

people ask
“why do you hurt yourself?
why do you feel the need to
cut your own body open?”
i don’t do it for the attention
i do it because it makes me
feel alive
seeing the blood run
it reminds me
that this body is real
the scars don’t bother me
they tell a story
i don’t believe i am weak
because i feel the need to
open my flesh with a razor
emotional pain is just as real
as the physical pain i put myself through
it makes it easier to process
no one will understand
until they feel enough pain
to put their body through it
physically
maybe i am just drunk
or you’ll understand
exactly what i mean
there are others
i know i am not alone
but until then
my emotional pain will become
physical until i can make sense
of this everyday life i am supposed
to be okay with

i reached out
but no one answered
one two three
you know the rest
so i opened
four red lines
on the side of my hip
hoping and praying
that it would cure
the empty loneliness

“this is going to sound so stupid
i could feel it deep down
the second time i saw you
but i think i love you
and we won’t need to talk about it
please just forget about it”
i know it was hard for you
to speak those words into existence
make those feelings you’ve kept locked up
inside your unreachable mind
come out of those beautiful lips
i think you were drunk
which is why i couldn’t bring myself
to say those three words back to you
i just hope that i have shown you
that you have consumed my heart
i know you’re not ready to hear
those whispering words in your ear
not quite yet
but i do love you too

i don’t know why i jumped at the idea
when a stranger asked me for a drink
and i don’t know why i’m sitting here
three in the morning writing about you
all i know is that my time here is short
and you have showed me more love
in the past three weeks than some
ever experience in a lifetime
i don’t know what this future holds
but i am forever grateful that
we’ve explored many of our firsts
together hand in hand
even if it’s for one minuscule moment
in this journey we call our lives
i will never forget the way you made me feel

she sells her body to men
who will truly never respect her
she does it for the money
for the fleeting feelings
of the need to be

my favorite season
the beginning is so beautiful
waves of orange, red, and yellow
float softly to the flowing green grass
and then the wind picks up
light sweaters turn into heavy jackets
the leaves start turning to gray
grass that was once green is dying
i try to prepare myself every time
you drift back into my life
it's just like the seasons
it starts off so beautiful and warm
like the sun shining in your face
until something in you switches
and the wind sweeps me off my feet
all of a sudden you're gone
disappearing without a trace
leaving me confused and hurt
and winter sets in and the snow flakes fall
masking everything in darkness

it started as an itch
driving on the highway
thinking about how sweet
it would feel to have your
smooth, cold touch
panicked but calm all at once
i quit you years ago
but all i can think of
is the burning pain you gave me
and how so badly i craved it
to feel you dragging across my skin
is it sick of me to miss you?
is it even more sick
that i gave in

you knew what he did to me
how he used me up
until i was nothing
you watched me drown my sorrows
and how he made me hallow
you saw me break down in tears
confused as to what i was doing wrong
you watched him break me
and you withered your way into my heart
only to do the same

boys tell me all the time
how much they’ve fallen for me
and i care for them
fall in love with the idea
of us living our happily ever after
but then i see your face
and i smell you on everything i own
and i look in to their eyes
brown hazel or green
but they’re never blue
not like yours
their hair doesn’t fall the way yours does
and their smile doesn’t sit quite the same
and their laugh doesn’t sound like you
and i realize
you are gone
you’re still alive in my heart
but your presence is fading
and you slip out of my fingertips
although they mean well
and they want to love me better than you have
i still find myself craving your touch
will i ever stop missing you
i don’t know but i’m trying
and i will try every day
until i stop comparing them
to you

“come home to me”
but that’s not my reality anymore

home was in your arms
it was in that goofy smile of yours
it was in that husky voice saying “i love you”

but now she is in yours
and i no longer get to long for that precious grin
and i only get to dream of those lost words

so here i’ll lay
waiting for the day
that i’ll get to tell you i’m here
i’m home

i was so naive to think he could be different
i sat there on that patio staring
trying to make sense of my surroundings
you reached for my hand and stared deeply into my eyes
your skin was soft to the touch and your pupils dilated
your words calmed me and i couldn't look away
you told me i am charge of what i feel
if i let myself succumb to the fear
that's all i will feel
i stared into those big blue eyes and listened to your honey voice
and willed myself to let go of the panic
you saved me from what could have been
and to you i am forever grateful

maybe if i keep writing you into existence
it’ll be like you never actually left me

every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

its been 52 days since i’ve last seen you
it’s been 1,248 hours since you’ve last touched me
it’s been 17,880 minutes since you’ve last kissed me
it’s been 4,492,800 seconds since you’ve last told me “i love you.”
now you’re just a ghost
lingering in the shadows
invading my dreams
why am i still here
hoping
wishing
praying
you’ll crawl back into my life like you always do
why am i still here
missing you

staring into the stars
smoking a blunt with you
after i had thought i’d
never see you again
here you are sitting next to me
same smell
same voice
same soft touch
just a little sadder
hiding it behind humor
i played along
because i know how you felt
but i wanted to be strong for you
but deep inside i am drowning
unsure of where i’m at
and what tragedy is going
to run me over next
i just hope
you’ll be by my side
when the world comes crashing
down yet again

i have found another
he is nothing like you
he is safe and kind
but you still linger in the background
with some delusion that this will all
work itself out
we’ll be married in 3 years you said
but i don’t have the patience
to wait for you to love me again
if you ever did
you always left me when
i would fall into months of despair
using your back ups until i was okay again
or maybe i was your back up
whenever you were home from college
or tired of the girls not loving you the way i did
i found a new love
a love that radiates my being
but for me to be truly happy
i had to ask you to leave
it was the right thing to do right?
even though in the pit of my stomach
i knew i had to do it, it filled me with panic
it broke my heart to say goodbye to you
and ask you to never come back
and after i asked that of you, you never did
and i know that’s what i wanted
why did it hurt so much when you listened

i laid down in my bed
with demons swimming around in my brain
i thought i could bury them away
in a six foot grave
my best friend lied next to me asleep
her peace radiating throughout her body
i thought with a bottle of pills
i could quiet my pain
and so i swallowed my demons
and laid down for my final rest
i woke up the next morning
as she held the empty bottle in her hand
she asked me “why didn’t you wake me”
i replied “i didn’t want to disturb you”

funny how all the girls you find
all have the same blonde hair as i do
you’re venturing out
saying you’re not ready
yet you’re dating girls
who look like me
i am the void in your heart
you are trying so hard to fill
you tell me i’m the one you’re going to marry
but you’re not looking for forever right now
you expect me to wait around for you
and though i so dearly miss you
i cannot be your last option anymore
so this is my goodbye to you
i won’t love anyone like i love you
but maybe that’s the point
i’ll find a new love
one that will consume me
and i’ll consume him
and i will finally be enough
and he won’t have to venture
to figure out if i am his

the thing about depending on people
for motivation to produce your art
is that they can leave
and every time you try to write or draw
memories of them come flooding back
ripping your heart into shreds all over again
so you return to the real world
bottling up the pain in the hopes
that the next one stays

the world around me is spinning
it seems like the ground is out of reach
and i start to drown in anxiety
my life has turned upside down
though i should have expected it
because nothing ever lasts
then i feel your hands softly grab mine
slowly pulling me down to reality
i see your kind blue eyes
and suddenly the flutters of hope
engulf me and i pray
that this will be my forever

So you can make plans
But just not with me
Making plans with these other girls
With your friends
But I’m left without
I thought I was your one
Because you are mine
Guess I was selfish
Asking you to stay for me
Watching you party with some girl
I realized I was not important
To you anymore

I’ll be your secret muse
But no more
Because tomorrow
You will be gone
Back in her embrace
Memories of me
Fleeting
And I’ll sit here
Waiting for that call
Your honey suckle voice
Inviting me to play
If only for today

You’re here laying next to me
But yet so far away
Your body is with me
But your mind is wandering
Are you thinking about her
Do you picture my face with hers
When you ****** in to me
Do you love her
The way in which you love me
Do you let her see your most
Vulnerable, disgusting self
Or am I the only one who sees
Because you fear she will not love
Who you truly are the way I do

My whole being is gray
My hair, my body, my eyes
Lifeless and empty
And drowning in grays
Weighing down my lifeless soul
Gray waves crash against me
Pulling me farther down
Until there is no more
I lay there feeling the comfort
Of the water holding me down
Just so gently
Caressing my cold naked skin
Inviting me to give in
And I let go

i am beginning to find myself again
i am in control of my future
as i sit out in the rain
with the wind blowing in my face
i realize everything will be
okay

she strokes my long blonde hair
puts her soft pink lips up to my ear
and whispers

her words taste like the sweetest honey
her fingertips tracing the bones of my spine
her hands running along my protruding hips

“i will never leave you”

if i asked you to
would you steal my last breath
would you do me a favor
send me six feet under
even if it’s for nothing more
than one final kiss

so i’ll keep writing about you
praying that these words
will speak you back into existence
and everything will be as it was

she was heartbroken
and we cried over our losses
but he was there to mend
we all took a trip to the city
and downed whiskey the whole way
before i knew it he kissed me
and i thought "oh ****"
"he's going to change everything"

i need to breathe you in
fill up my lungs
like the cigarettes i smoke
you taste so much sweeter
than any candy i’ve tasted

you were raised to not let anyone
steal your independence from you
if he truly loved you
he would not expect you
to be less than yourself

i love seeing my body bruised and broken
i know that sounds morbid
but they tell their own story in a way
just like the scars on my arms and thighs
i have been through hell and back
but somehow i’ve survived it all
and i’ll keep fighting until i am at peace

you never truly realize
how much you've missed someone
until you hear the sound of their voice
like it's the first time again

they tell me that you're no good
but they don't know you like i do
when they took me away
i knew the sound of your voice
would make me feel safe again
i know we hadn't talked in awhile
but hearing you tell me that
you didn't mind brought me back
to our middle school love
so young and innocent and pure
i wished so badly we could go back
and i could do things differently
maybe i wouldn't have lost you
i wish they could take away
the memories of you because i know
i'll never love anyone like i love you

just when you thought
that things might have
started to turn into the
fairy tale you’ve always
dreamed of

the walls of the castle
shatter like glass
the rose garden
bursts into flames
and you start to realize

life is not a fairy tale
and there is no happy ending

you get one day to cry
but tomorrow
it’s time to fix your crown

i hope i pass on
long before you do
i don’t think i could
learn to live a life
without you
our endless laughs
laughing so hard
our tummies begin to ache
crying on each other’s shoulders
longing for the pain to pass
even when you shout at me
and say awful things
you wish you could take back
i wouldn’t be here without you
and i can’t be here without you

though i miss my old friends
they were always toxic to my life
i spent many months alone
with only my family
to keep me company
now i have lifelong friends
friends who truly know me
and accept for who i am
they will never know
how much i truly love them
they are mine and they always will be
they can go far and
i promise you
they will still feel my love
i owe you everything
you saved me even
though you didn't realize
thank you so much

the ocean blue waves
pull on my feet
begging me to come in
if just for a little bit
i'm afraid if i give in
my body will never
wash to shore

whenever i'm not eating
she whispers softly in my ear
sweet encouragements
when i'm finally happy
eating and starting to look healthy
i can see my bones starting
to be covered with soft fat
her screams start to get louder
i try hard to ignore her
"you look disgusting"
"look at all that extra skin
hanging off of you"
"you're so fat lose it all again"
you can tell me i'm beautiful
but i can't hear you over
her deafening shrieks
convincing me that i've lost again

i looked into those
beautiful hazel eyes
mesmerized by their untold story
i could look into them
for eternity wandering
in the depths of
browns, golds, and greens
i’ll drown in them
until your voice
brings me up from the sea

i watched you as you stroked
your dog’s soft black fur
and my small inner thigh
when you looked at me
i saw your past inside of
those wounded hazel eyes
you’ve been hurt
and so have i
but for a reason i do not know
i trust in you completely
not to rip out my
already bleeding heart
i just hope you trust me too

you kiss me like you’re about
to take your last breath
stroke and caress my body
and whisper ***** things in my ear
you lust me with such a passion
like your being is about to combust
take a bite out of me
and **** life as we know it

they say that someone else
cannot mend your broken heart
i found that to be quite untrue
when i met you