i never believed in love
or believed it lasted
much less that it didn’t come without a cost
my mind can’t wrap around
meeting someone who upended my life in the best way
you taught me how love is supposed to feel
what love looks like in its purest form
i never thought i would be the one
i was always taught i was unlovable
and “god forbid, i feel sorry for who you end up with”
i am grateful every second of every day
that you proved myself and everyone wrong
i hope my love envelopes you
the way your love does for me
like a warm blanket on a rainy day
i look into your ethereal green eyes
and i see my forever and always
happy anniversary my love

your soul speaks of dark and light
the sun shined but you cast me in the dark
did you know i’m scared of it?
bad things happen there
between the hours of dusk and dawn
but i never wanted to tell you
i never wanted to add
to your growing list of burdens
for i was already one
maybe since birth
perhaps even before
“i did my best”
yes there was minimal food
a lack of love and care i didn’t realize i needed
there was light and a roof over my head
you left me there
and the light burned out
i sat in the dark scared and alone
did you ever care?
you just wanted someone to take care of you
even if the cost was my innocence
i don’t think you did it on purpose
and i don’t think you’re consciously
aware of the harm you caused
i’ve been screaming for years
even in whispers
please just hear me
please just understand me

do you think of me
when the world is quiet
and the silence is too loud
do you wonder what happened to me?
what i went through
when we didn’t talk for an entire year
did you wonder if if wanted to die
as much as you did
when the ones you loved the most
were taken from you
did you think about all the nights
you cried in my arms
did you think about how you starved yourself
when i was only seventeen
do you wonder if i did the same?
did you think about me at all?
did you think about how you “lost” me
when you were the one to leave me
what you look back on is not the truth
and due to you i will never be able
to recall exactly what happened
besides the fact that i am the person i am
due to the lack of love and compassion
a child deserved in their becoming years

i've been told i should write a book
that maybe that’s my purpose in this life
to share with others how painful this sickness can be
but who wants to write about all the pain they’ve been through and that’s why they are the person they are today
who wants to hear another sob story about not being loved
being abused in all the ways a human can be
i have no purpose in this life
i’ll never be a writer nor anything worth writing about
i’m just another statistic no one cares about
in my bones i know i’m just another walking tragedy
broken and betrayed by the system and their own parents
doomed to walk the same path
or die trying to fix what i never broke and no one cares to understand

i crawled over glass
the shards slicing but i didn’t feel it
cuts on my knees, hands, elbows
my body ****** and broken
my face unrecognizable
i didn’t want to
i’ve been used to walking on them
my feet used to the pain over the years
i dragged myself in front of you
lying there before you bare with flesh and soul
but i couldn’t let myself bleed for you anymore
at least that’s what i said
you can see the little cracks where my flesh no longer connects
or at least i hope you can see
i told you it’s okay
we can talk about it later
i just missed you and can no longer stand missing you
i don’t know you anymore
and you’ve never known me
i like to think this past year only put distance between us
but it’s been my whole life
and i have no idea where to start with you
other than the fact that i realized
this is not a life i can survive without you anymore
and when i walked in unexpected and saw you broken
i realized you felt how i feel
maybe not all of it, maybe only a minuscule of the agony
but even a fraction was enough for me
i’m used to living off of scraps
and there’s not much of me left

the silence is deafening
it howls in my ears
i lost a part of my innocence when they abandoned me
women i thought i would have forever in my life
my bad i believed when you said you love me
and would never leave me
we’re all broken now and we have no one
we don’t have each other anymore
you broke me when you left and took everything with you
do you like me now?
lying on the floor and curling in on myself
the world seems so big and i am so small
please come back i need you
what happened?

you say you don’t just want me for my body
but all i hear is you telling me to shut the **** up
so you can tell me how horrible of a relationship this is
how there is no intimacy or romance or love
that we are doomed
simply because you cannot understand
that i do not want to be touched
you tell me i’m right
you don’t understand
you don’t understand what it feels like
to have your choices taken from you
they were not taken from me
they were shredded from my soul
my body has not been mine for a very long time
i’m sorry my body feels safe with yours
my body feels safe enough to relive years of trauma
you’re yelling at me that you feel stupid when i tell you no
my stomach hurts, im too tired, not tonight i’m sorry
but i don’t want to admit that i can still feel their hands on me
that i can still feel their unwanted touch
that my skin remembers what my brain cannot
my body rejects your touch, your love
how can i admit to the control it still has over me
7 years later
you tell me it’s okay that it doesn’t matter
you tell me you’re sorry for making me cry
but all i can hear
is that i am failing you for not handing over my body

i never thought my life could get to this point
my reality has been shifted off its axis
my worst fears are coming true
but the sick part is that i never expected it
i’m programmed to be disappointed
but i thought i could count on you
i never imagined you could be this cruel
i tried so hard
i fought for you
i bled for you
i sacrificed myself for you
how are you able to throw me away
like yesterday’s trash
i think i am in shock
for i thought i could always count on you

my mistake

congratulations you win
i am nothing more than a ghost
haunting this body
a mere pile of skin and bones
it’s okay
i’ll die for you this one last time
as long as you are happy

in a different life
you never had me
you got to live your dreams
and you got your chance at happiness
you never had to marry that vile man
and submit to years of abuse yet again by the only one who is supposed to love you
that nastiness never invaded your heart
and you had children when you could love them the way they deserved
you got everything you were supposed to have
and you never had to suffer for it

i miss you at great lengths
an ocean between us
the unknown so scary i can’t confront it
i don’t know what you have been exposed to
i pray that some day you will forgive me
for the things i could not control
and i hope you know it killed me
but i would die a thousand deaths for you
if that is what made you happy and still children
oblivious and pure
ill be waiting
and i’ll still be here
no matter how many miles remain between us
for i will not give up the hope
that you will remember how much i love you
and how much i sacrificed for you
and i could never regret it

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse

i beat this addiction already
found myself on the sand
house of mirrors and whispers
you sent me into relapse
i sat there on my hands and knees ******, drip, drop, drip drop
pleading
what is this hell
was it for a reason
begging for an explanation
PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
you ripped the rug from under my feet
sent me down to rot into wonderland
it looks beautiful from the outside
the forty pounds lost are mostly hidden
i paint my hollow face to make it seem more lively
most days i wish i could add a smile to my mouth so it didn’t hurt from all the fake ones i plastered on
i can wear many masks now that im learning how to play
a game i never even tried to be a part of
wonderland isn’t like it used to be
losing weight was a fun addiction
ana helped me when no one else knew what to do
and then she spiraled when i wouldn’t die for her
and now she slips me little cups of tea
and i just drink
i no longer care what else she decides to do to me
it can’t get worse than what’s already happened is what they’ve told me
but down here, i’ve found that to be very untrue
it can always get worse
but it can also feel good sometimes

my eyes trace over the scissors you hold in your hand
and shear away all the places i resided within you
you don’t even notice when you snip away the life line
the last thread holding it all together
i unravel more and more
just scraps and strings
all lying in a lifeless pile

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

i don’t want to leave
the ones that stayed
will they also leave me to decay?
the pain is the dead animal on the highway
my guts hang out from my stomach
and i can’t seem to push them back in
i was a fawn
you ran me over without a second thought
crushing me
they are alive but i am a ghost to them
remember when we used laugh in the woods?
i wish i knew when
why why why?
parts of me have died in the process
have you seen me?
do you wonder?
do you think about me?
i can’t stop playing everything
over and over and over again
i live in a constant state of emotional agony
my brain is deteriorating my body
my heart is glasses
years of neglect have left them cracking, crumbling
i feel my soul spiraling into the void
down down down
it never ends and i am scared of the dark
please please please
make it stop.

i don’t want to die
but i don’t know
if i can pretend anymore

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

i have walked hand in hand with death all my life
i danced along the line of the living
i have met death three times in this short time
i begged death to take me
hands and knees pressed to the ground
tears streaming down my face
but death didn’t want me
you see, death enjoyed taking others from me
always taunting me
death has broke me many times
i’m not sure if all these shattered pieces of me
will ever fit back together again

if only i had reconnected with you four years ago
i was never mad you left me
i know you thought you were doing the right thing
four years of missing you
thinking about you
hearing about you
asking about you
i’m sorry i wasn’t there when the devil took hold of you
and spit you back out without remorse
i would have loved to watch you grow and heal
never changing, you never needed to
our souls are forever interwoven
there is no escape from the love i feel for you
and now i’m the one who has to say goodbye
for however fleeting our time was
it was more than worth it
and i will cherish you from afar

“you’ve lost weight”
what do you mean?
i haven’t been eating lunch anymore
my appetite is hard to find
the hunger pains have begun to feel familiar
i still look down and see the same thighs, the same stomach, feel the same nausea
i still avoid my reflection in the mirror after i get out of the shower
but then i really look at my face
for it is always the only thing i can study
and i see it
i see the gray pallor to my skin
my face has grown sharper
sadder
my skin looks tight, as if it can barely hold on
gripping to the contours of my bones
and i feel her lingering in the dark
her soft lulling voice tickles my ear
her fingers graze the skin of my collarbone
her touch is icy cold
and she sounds so kind, so loving, when she tells me
“more” “more”  “more”

the thoughts scrape and gnaw at my brain
incessantly telling me horrible things
to do to myself
to do to others
these vicious claws shredding my humanity to pieces
you’re worthless
how could ever think someone could love you
you?
i don’t believe this oily, slithering, hissing beast is my own
it wants to devour me
eating what little good memories i have
amplifying it’s horrid voice to feed me more atrocities
it’s never satisfied
i don’t think it’ll ever leave me alone
i think, i fear, this monster
is actually
my own thoughts

i tasted peace
it was sweeter than honey
a new clarity in my eyes
no longer just surviving
i was truly living
i stood at the edge
no longer scared of the what if’s
so i stepped off the ledge
i saw a bright blue sky
full of wondrous white clouds
i never thought i would see this day
as i plummeted blue turned to gray
thick as smoke wafting into my nostrils
gray suddenly turning into onyx
darker than anyone could think possible
my vision betraying me
i could no longer see where i was going
free falling for eternity
i knew it was too good to be true

i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

i know it’s not always easy
loving someone who doesn’t recognize themselves
and on other days they greet you with love
a love like no other
one that’s consuming
there is no in between
i know that is frustrating for you
but i want to thank you
you’re the only one who hasn’t left me
who hasn’t told me that i’m too much
i never would have imagined
i’d find someone who could love me
the way that i am
i know it isn’t fair to put this on you
but you have made me stronger
and for that
there isn’t enough thanks in the world

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

how could you leave me there
in a pile of my own *****
and an empty pill bottle next to me
how could you look at me
with my eyes barely open
screaming why would i take the whole bottle
and then disappear without a second thought
i was lost for hours
hallucinations taking over reality
and my friend discovering me in the closet
no one on the phone
talking to myself

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

there is an empty void where my heart used to beat
or there is every emotion you could possibly imagine
sadness
anger
despair
hate
admiration
obsession
love
it’s all or nothing when it comes to how i feel
i’m sorry you have to bear the overwhelming weight
that i put on you
an unreasonable amount of responsibility
that you never asked for
and here you are
but why

i want to have a poetic death
the one where you stand on the edge
while the sun is barely peaking into the night sky
feeling the breeze kiss my skin
an unnerving calmness
falling through the sky
silently into the black river

i had just finished writing to you
words cannot explain how much i still miss you
your death hit me hard
i didn’t believe i could live without you
i don’t know if you hear me anymore
at first i could feel you
but you’ve disappeared into radio silence
i still tell you i love you every day
i put a crystal on your ashes
i touch it almost everyday
making sure to rub in the love essential oil
hoping i get to feel you or see you
just one more time
i light incense for you every now and again
to show you that i’m still here
i had almost lost hope
thinking you had finally left me
but when i ignited that fire
i swear i could see something
in the gray smoke that came about from the flame
a tiny halo appeared and slowly flew upwards
oh how i’ve missed you

i couldn’t be more grateful to you
you gave me a place to escape
fleeing from the abuse from my family
the feeling of not having a home anymore
the emptiness that has been left behind
from the death of my most beloved companion
right into the loving arms of you and your family
change feels impossible to me
i am unable to adapt to new surroundings
i can’t shake these feelings
these overwhelming feelings i don’t belong here
it’s been months and still
this loneliness and feeling unwanted won’t shake
it clouds my brain
begging to explode and always managing to
i’m sorry i erupt and it all spills onto you
please forgive the fire inside me
that comes out frigid

i was on top of the world today
with the feeling of being unstoppable
mania coursing through my veins
childlike with no ounce of regret
i can face every fear i’ve ever had
until i stepped into the dark
only then i realized that happiness is temporary
i sat on the edge and watched myself plunder
remembering a blanket of gray washing over me
everything i own drained of color
lifeless
watching my younger self turn to dust
realizing it was only a dream
a dream i wish i could play in forever
my aspirations and goals gone
my sense of wonder obliterated
thrusted into deep feelings of regret and loneliness
why am i like this
why must my brain sabotage every ounce of happiness i can muster

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

becoming a writer is hard
finding the right words
hoping people support your art
trials and errors of past loves
inspiring your writing
sometimes i feel regret
i regret some of the people i dedicated my writing to
but i look back and realize
that was my journey
all of the love
all of the hurt
all of the dedication
i don’t regret it anymore
art stems from feelings
thank you for the fleeting moments
because you all have inspired me

it’s hard having a heavy heart
a heart full of love that always seems to be taken advantage of
no matter how hard you try, you feel everything
all of the good and all of the bad
weighing you down or lifting you up
mostly it’s the latter
although it is mostly pain that i feel
i would never want it to be any other way
this heavy heart found my way to you
only when i was ready to feel everything again
no more drinking the feelings away
or abusing drugs given to me
i was lost, but then i found myself
and then i was ready to find you
and this heavy heart, despite all the struggles
has the chance to feel all of your love
your pain is my pain
your happiness is also mine
and everything in between
and i have never been so grateful to carry this burden
of a heavy heart

the silence is deafening
it’s where lies my deepest fears
the traumas of my past
i sleep with noise to help drown the silence
and then i met you
i still sleep with noise
but in the early morning when we wake
i feel at peace with our silent affection
lying there completely vulnerable
to all of my forbidden thoughts
but all i think about and hear
is your peace
it resonates inside of me
and i am so grateful for you

she had vanished in to thin air
nobody had seemed to care about her disappearance
even shortly after the attempt of her own life
she had angelic white hair
ocean blue eyes that could stop someone dead in their tracks
a devilish white grin full of temptation
until she was found
crumpled up on a mattress on the floor
half smoked cigarettes and empty bottles of *****
hiding in greasy and clumped hair
her skin sickly and wan
awoken by a figure with terror in her hollow eyes
relief washed over her when she recognized safety
still in a drug induced state, she said
"please help me, I've been *****"

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time

it’s only been two days
my room feels cold and hollow
the space where you used to lay up on
remains empty
sometimes i think i catch glimpses of you
but that’s not rational
i held your paw as you took your last breaths
looked into your eyes
and told you how much i love you
i hope i gave you the best life i could
your undying unconditional love
helped me through my hardest times
it feels wrong without you here
but i find comfort
you no longer suffer
and maybe you’re in a better place
i will love you and miss you
to the day i die
thank you for endless cuddles
your screams of joy
whenever i would return home
and those precious moments
when you would give me the tiniest kisses on my nose
rest in peace my little angel baby

i love drugs
and i know that i may be hated
for this statement
if i could change i would
addiction is a monster
and it’s claws are around my throat
at all hours of the day
the saddest part of it all
i don’t even want to stop
my addiction will be here to catch me
when i feel myself falling through
the pits of despair