sometimes suicide
is screaming
I hate you
To the mirror
And carrying on with your day.

you say you don’t just want me for my body
but all i hear is you telling me to shut the **** up
so you can tell me how horrible of a relationship this is
how there is no intimacy or romance or love
that we are doomed
simply because you cannot understand
that i do not want to be touched
you tell me i’m right
you don’t understand
you don’t understand what it feels like
to have your choices taken from you
they were not taken from me
they were shredded from my soul
my body has not been mine for a very long time
i’m sorry my body feels safe with yours
my body feels safe enough to relive years of trauma
you’re yelling at me that you feel stupid when i tell you no
my stomach hurts, im too tired, not tonight i’m sorry
but i don’t want to admit that i can still feel their hands on me
that i can still feel their unwanted touch
that my skin remembers what my brain cannot
my body rejects your touch, your love
how can i admit to the control it still has over me
7 years later
you tell me it’s okay that it doesn’t matter
you tell me you’re sorry for making me cry
but all i can hear
is that i am failing you for not handing over my body

i never thought my life could get to this point
my reality has been shifted off its axis
my worst fears are coming true
but the sick part is that i never expected it
i’m programmed to be disappointed
but i thought i could count on you
i never imagined you could be this cruel
i tried so hard
i fought for you
i bled for you
i sacrificed myself for you
how are you able to throw me away
like yesterday’s trash
i think i am in shock
for i thought i could always count on you

my mistake

congratulations you win
i am nothing more than a ghost
haunting this body
a mere pile of skin and bones
it’s okay
i’ll die for you this one last time
as long as you are happy

in a different life
you never had me
you got to live your dreams
and you got your chance at happiness
you never had to marry that vile man
and submit to years of abuse yet again by the only one who is supposed to love you
that nastiness never invaded your heart
and you had children when you could love them the way they deserved
you got everything you were supposed to have
and you never had to suffer for it

i miss you at great lengths
an ocean between us
the unknown so scary i can’t confront it
i don’t know what you have been exposed to
i pray that some day you will forgive me
for the things i could not control
and i hope you know it killed me
but i would die a thousand deaths for you
if that is what made you happy and still children
oblivious and pure
ill be waiting
and i’ll still be here
no matter how many miles remain between us
for i will not give up the hope
that you will remember how much i love you
and how much i sacrificed for you
and i could never regret it

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse