i don’t want to die
but i don’t know
if i can pretend anymore

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

i have walked hand in hand with death all my life
i danced along the line of the living
i have met death three times in this short time
i begged death to take me
hands and knees pressed to the ground
tears streaming down my face
but death didn’t want me
you see, death enjoyed taking others from me
always taunting me
death has broke me many times
i’m not sure if all these shattered pieces of me
will ever fit back together again

Twenty five the angel will be
I remember when she’d just gotten her wings
The white hair cascading around
my sadness
Filling me with light

The Angel wanted to die but she gave me life
Isn’t it funny
A decade goes by and the wings became pink like a sunset on a November night . Fifteen to twenty five .oh my how high she has flown,
She offers her hand and I take it
we embrace above the clouds
Pink and orange and blue and colors no one else will ever be able to see .

if only i had reconnected with you four years ago
i was never mad you left me
i know you thought you were doing the right thing
four years of missing you
thinking about you
hearing about you
asking about you
i’m sorry i wasn’t there when the devil took hold of you
and spit you back out without remorse
i would have loved to watch you grow and heal
never changing, you never needed to
our souls are forever interwoven
there is no escape from the love i feel for you
and now i’m the one who has to say goodbye
for however fleeting our time was
it was more than worth it
and i will cherish you from afar