i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

i know it’s not always easy
loving someone who doesn’t recognize themselves
and on other days they greet you with love
a love like no other
one that’s consuming
there is no in between
i know that is frustrating for you
but i want to thank you
you’re the only one who hasn’t left me
who hasn’t told me that i’m too much
i never would have imagined
i’d find someone who could love me
the way that i am
i know it isn’t fair to put this on you
but you have made me stronger
and for that
there isn’t enough thanks in the world

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

how could you leave me there
in a pile of my own *****
and an empty pill bottle next to me
how could you look at me
with my eyes barely open
screaming why would i take the whole bottle
and then disappear without a second thought
i was lost for hours
hallucinations taking over reality
and my friend discovering me in the closet
no one on the phone
talking to myself

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under