i want to have a poetic death
the one where you stand on the edge
while the sun is barely peaking into the night sky
feeling the breeze kiss my skin
an unnerving calmness
falling through the sky
silently into the black river

i had just finished writing to you
words cannot explain how much i still miss you
your death hit me hard
i didn’t believe i could live without you
i don’t know if you hear me anymore
at first i could feel you
but you’ve disappeared into radio silence
i still tell you i love you every day
i put a crystal on your ashes
i touch it almost everyday
making sure to rub in the love essential oil
hoping i get to feel you or see you
just one more time
i light incense for you every now and again
to show you that i’m still here
i had almost lost hope
thinking you had finally left me
but when i ignited that fire
i swear i could see something
in the gray smoke that came about from the flame
a tiny halo appeared and slowly flew upwards
oh how i’ve missed you

i couldn’t be more grateful to you
you gave me a place to escape
fleeing from the abuse from my family
the feeling of not having a home anymore
the emptiness that has been left behind
from the death of my most beloved companion
right into the loving arms of you and your family
change feels impossible to me
i am unable to adapt to new surroundings
i can’t shake these feelings
these overwhelming feelings i don’t belong here
it’s been months and still
this loneliness and feeling unwanted won’t shake
it clouds my brain
begging to explode and always managing to
i’m sorry i erupt and it all spills onto you
please forgive the fire inside me
that comes out frigid

i was on top of the world today
with the feeling of being unstoppable
mania coursing through my veins
childlike with no ounce of regret
i can face every fear i’ve ever had
until i stepped into the dark
only then i realized that happiness is temporary
i sat on the edge and watched myself plunder
remembering a blanket of gray washing over me
everything i own drained of color
lifeless
watching my younger self turn to dust
realizing it was only a dream
a dream i wish i could play in forever
my aspirations and goals gone
my sense of wonder obliterated
thrusted into deep feelings of regret and loneliness
why am i like this
why must my brain sabotage every ounce of happiness i can muster

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

There's the high,
And there's the low
Oh, but the numbness in the middle,
Feels most like home to me.

He, being the sun,
He stole the blue sky.
He left me nothing but
the storm clouds

And storm clouds cry.