every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

its been 52 days since i’ve last seen you
it’s been 1,248 hours since you’ve last touched me
it’s been 17,880 minutes since you’ve last kissed me
it’s been 4,492,800 seconds since you’ve last told me “i love you.”
now you’re just a ghost
lingering in the shadows
invading my dreams
why am i still here
hoping
wishing
praying
you’ll crawl back into my life like you always do
why am i still here
missing you

staring into the stars
smoking a blunt with you
after i had thought i’d
never see you again
here you are sitting next to me
same smell
same voice
same soft touch
just a little sadder
hiding it behind humor
i played along
because i know how you felt
but i wanted to be strong for you
but deep inside i am drowning
unsure of where i’m at
and what tragedy is going
to run me over next
i just hope
you’ll be by my side
when the world comes crashing
down yet again

i have found another
he is nothing like you
he is safe and kind
but you still linger in the background
with some delusion that this will all
work itself out
we’ll be married in 3 years you said
but i don’t have the patience
to wait for you to love me again
if you ever did
you always left me when
i would fall into months of despair
using your back ups until i was okay again
or maybe i was your back up
whenever you were home from college
or tired of the girls not loving you the way i did
i found a new love
a love that radiates my being
but for me to be truly happy
i had to ask you to leave
it was the right thing to do right?
even though in the pit of my stomach
i knew i had to do it, it filled me with panic
it broke my heart to say goodbye to you
and ask you to never come back
and after i asked that of you, you never did
and i know that’s what i wanted
why did it hurt so much when you listened

i laid down in my bed
with demons swimming around in my brain
i thought i could bury them away
in a six foot grave
my best friend lied next to me asleep
her peace radiating throughout her body
i thought with a bottle of pills
i could quiet my pain
and so i swallowed my demons
and laid down for my final rest
i woke up the next morning
as she held the empty bottle in her hand
she asked me “why didn’t you wake me”
i replied “i didn’t want to disturb you”

funny how all the girls you find
all have the same blonde hair as i do
you’re venturing out
saying you’re not ready
yet you’re dating girls
who look like me
i am the void in your heart
you are trying so hard to fill
you tell me i’m the one you’re going to marry
but you’re not looking for forever right now
you expect me to wait around for you
and though i so dearly miss you
i cannot be your last option anymore
so this is my goodbye to you
i won’t love anyone like i love you
but maybe that’s the point
i’ll find a new love
one that will consume me
and i’ll consume him
and i will finally be enough
and he won’t have to venture
to figure out if i am his

the thing about depending on people
for motivation to produce your art
is that they can leave
and every time you try to write or draw
memories of them come flooding back
ripping your heart into shreds all over again
so you return to the real world
bottling up the pain in the hopes
that the next one stays