I wanted to write something powerful about the time i was *****
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.
I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb
And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.
i've never loved and hated someone so much in my life
sometimes i wonder how we ever got together,
feel the break up in each word we hiss out
for our beliefs will never be aligned.
i wonder how i never saw it,
his contempt for love and life
he tells me i’m a good person -
but he doesn't know i want to sleep with his best friend,
that sometimes i can't stand the sight of him
but know i have no where else to go.
he doesn't know how i dream of leaving,
taking off without a word
and hope it will break him to pieces.
he doesn't see the way my eyes glaze over,
purposefully tuning him out when he speaks
because i can't be bothered to listen
he thinks my kind words hold deeper meanings,
doesn't see my shallow promises
when i say i'll never leave.
if you fail once,
stop trying altogether;
distance yourself from those who care
never get close
or let anyone in
that way you'll never feel pain again-
for a soul can only break so much before it shatters.
fill yourself up with the sins of the world
they'll give you an illusion of happiness,
enough to keep going into your next dismal day.
let each breath feel like a knife to your heart -
know only pain in a world full of suffering.
let the darkness overwhelm
until it begins to feel like home
and make your bed
in a pit of despair.
cry yourself to sleep,
and smile during the day -
but let no one know.
it does not matter how many times you tell me you love me
because that time when you wouldn't look me in the eyes is my most resounding memory
and no number of "you are beautiful"s
could ever undo the harm caused by my mother's spiteful eye
so instead i'll slip into another man's bed -
using their lust for me to fill my need to be wanted
and the distance of a one night stand
to avoid any further disappointment caused by my inevitable failure
if I could trade places with him I would.
if I had to give him up forever;
never see his face
or hear his voice
just to have him back in this world -
I could do it.
stab me through the chest and give my heart to him
let the beat run through his body and bring him back to life.
I will stand cut wide open and barely feel a thing
because just the knowledge that he is back
is better than any drug that he has ever done.
and I will give up my life,
dedicate it to him;
spend forever making sure he never feels anymore pain -
make sure he knows his worth.
I will carve his name into my skin and my soul;
let everyone know that I am his
and his alone.
living without him is not an option,
I will give him my last breath if that is what it takes.
give me one more day with him,
one more hour to say goodbye -
let me fill up his heart with love
so he can rest knowing how much he will be missed in this world
or let me go with him
and feel the everlasting fires in hell
or the peace of heaven
just let me never have to say goodbye to the one who gives me life.
I didn’t know a world with him in it
and now I cannot see one without.
in a place filled with darkness he gave me light,
a deluminator whose switch was crafted to turn on with words of love and understanding,
turn off by loneliness and desperation.
that white picket fence, it drove him insane;
wanted to get married at sixteen to a wild child who just wanted to fly
I didn’t know where I was going
or where I would end up
but I wanted him there when i got there
and I didn’t know how to convey that,
broke his spirit and his heart,
he went mad with his need for a family and my resistance to comply,
so young and in love
yet so confused we spun a fairytale into a nightmare
and turned our dreams into dust.