Putting iron stints in my sides to stand up alone

Sometimes it’s so okay
It’s in the past
Others I remember sitting with you
Feeling not so alone

The complexities sit in my stomach like a poison my body doesn’t know how to digest
A puddle of multiple strains
Just sitting like a lump that I want to throw up

For being raised by a misogynist I have some really ******* large claws

Im so happy to remove you from everything
To pick you out of every piece of my life
I hope you know I won’t find you between my toes
I hope you know that in a years time you’ll only be a name on paper

I’ll braid your hair and kiss your cheek
Smile at you and tell you that you’re doing just fine and you always have
I think you’re amazing and capable

I wish you gave me enough space to be proud of you

You knew **** well how I felt.. but you still said you wished I’d told you

Poke, ****, and scrape
The world doesn’t happen to me I happen to the world

As long as I judge my fellow man
And fear his path
I’ll find myself waking up one day wearing his image

Precarity blinks open its sleepy eye
A reminder of the things in the dark
Death, destruction,
A rug pulled from beneath your feet

One minute
In love and excited for the future
The next
Hand broken from punching the granite counter
A casket lowered into the ground
The smell of your old lovers sweater entwined with a hundred stale lies

there's nothing wrong
my heart is beating normally
my body isn't heavy
i feel normal, fine even- which is where i'm confused
there is something wrong
but i cant find the source

It's my fault in a way
I showed people
and expected them to see it the way I did
but no one has the same heart as me

When I ground myself in reality sometimes it’s jarring
I’m talking to myself, I’m alone in my own head
Sometimes it feels like everyone I’ve ever known is in there

Nothing is going to change the fact that you’ve stabbed me
But I’m taking away the knife.

Pack up your things
Fold your heart neatly into a cloth
Nurse it
Keep it warm
And keep walking
Everything else is just beyond the horizon of your perception

Though it will ******* me still
sooner or later I'll begin to know
what to give and what to leave to life

Two people,
Two energies
Two different paths
Two different points of connection

So much anger. So. Much. Anger. It burns. It boils over and spills all over everything. It breaks like a whiskey bottle. Glass flying everywhere. It lives in my brain and it eats there. It eats at my heart until it bleeds.

Before you reconsider:
Remember how it feels when he comes home when the sun is up
How it feels when hours go by and he says nothing to you
When he tells you he’ll try so hard to be better and then takes you to buy cigarettes
How the smell of liquor on his breath brings you dread

And now you're gone
Not an empty void
No
Just a blank space

you don't know it, but the fire i pull
out of your stomach
is a talent of mine
your passion mirrors mine
you respond
to me

I hold the knife,
I always hold the knife
Ready to cut

Fleeing
Eyes closed
chased by a philosophy
Rather than a lion
I think I’d prefer the lion

******* for making me choose myself

You thought that I’d forgive you
When you slipped through the night like a black handkerchief in the wind
When you held your lips tight

But I didn’t

I've let my body get so used I don't even want to touch myself anymore
My skin is not mine it is for anyone who wants it
My thighs are not the miraculous limbs that I owe my many great travels to, they are only miles of skin that begs to be touched.
My hair is not silk to cascade over my ears and frame my face, it's purpose is to be wrapped around your fingers and yanked.
Every ripple of pleasure
is a disguise for my disgust, the worthless feeling of being nothing more than a pretty new toy.
You do not worship me but you worship my ability to rip an ****** from your body.
You leave me used and abused in more ways than one
and just like a pretty new toy,
after you play with me
I become as worthless to you
as I have become to myself.

carefully unlace the leather punctured into my lips, undo the intricate patterns steady hands spent years knotting
  stitch by painful stitch
   these years have taught my body to ward against the idea of letting anything slip, the quiet of my own mind is the safest place for anything I have to say for it to reside, for it to eat me up and make me rot from the inside out
   i am in pain, my voice is a tormentor from within
willing it to rumble will be as difficult as using my tight throat
   i need to be ripped away from the comfort of silence
there is much to be said

This book seems to be devoted to you
your mention graces almost every page
but it isn't
it's devoted to me
to my growth
and to my feelings

i hope that you don't hold a grudge against my selfish heart
we all have our self-sustaining behaviors
i hope you can eventually see it the way i saw it even if you also see all of the err, the same err i drown myself in when i feel low

but in order to get to the places you want, sometimes you have to pull some strings
you were just another person that i ran over in my unclear path of (de)construction
i didnt mean to treat you like a marionette -even if im sure thats what it feels like in your heart
i guess behind my own eyes i am a demanding puppet master that uses real human beings as her toys